By now the haze of Christmas parties is bound to have worn off and you’ll be sitting there with nothing to show from the festive period but a photocopy of your genitals and an unplanned pregnancy; you’re probably looking back on the month or so preceding this and thinking, “Where did it all go wrong?”
That’s simple. You’re one of these people who gets so excited about the concept of Christmas that you vomit all over your facebook with excitement the first time you see that terrible Coca Cola advert.
SO YOU’VE PROBABLY ALREADY GUESSED THAT I’M GOING TO RUB IT IN YOUR FACE WHILE YOU RUB YOURSELF AND WONDER IF YOU MIGHT HAVE CRABS.
Over at the hecklerspray bedsit, we’ve been getting a little bit worried about our favourite singing foetus, Justin Bieber. We genuinely thought that the little runt had burnt himself out after constant album promotion, touring and trying to work out how Selena Gomez’s vagina works.
Apparently not though: Justin has still found the time to record a new, undoubtedly woeful, track with buck-toothed punching enthusiast Chris Brown.
Instead of recording rubbish new songs, it seems that Justin Bieber has been working to exploit other gaps in the market. Basics such as posters, cutlery and blenders have probably been covered. So now he’s taking the plunge into perfume (not literally, you understand).
Two of the biggest fictional characters we’re meant to believe in are Santa Claus and Jesus. And it’s coming up to their time of year again.
For 364 days a year, we’re meant to believe that an aging old man is whipping thousands of elves to death in his sweatshop in the North Pole so spoilt children everywhere can get Guitar Hero on December 25th.
As we grow up, we all realise that Santa isn’t real and the man whose lap we sat on in the local shopping centre possibly gets his kicks like Gary Glitter. But how do we all discover Santa isn’t real? Is it because we hear our dads knocking over the Christmas tree at 4am when depositing gifts or because an older child told us?
Neither. It’s because Coca Cola actually own Santa. We’re not sure if he was made in a laboratory deep under the ground, but the jolly fat man we know and love is literally the spokesman of a fizzy drinks company. When he blurts out ho ho ho this is actually a subliminal message that registers in your mind as “DRINK ALL THE SUGAR WATER YOU CAN RIGHT NOW ,YOU LITTLE BASTARD”.
Well it’s that time of year again, so this week’s weird news starts on a slightly festive note…
Children in Ottawa got a rude surprise when opening letters from Father Christmas as part of the Write To Santa programme. Rather than praising them for being good children all year round distraught children instead found Santa screaming abuse at them. The hand-written messages are supposedly from a rogue elf, and the organisers can only hope there aren’t too many, as last year over one million children got these letters…
By now the haze of Christmas parties is bound to have worn off and you’ll be sitting there with nothing to show from the festive period but a photocopy of your genitals and an unplanned pregnancy; you’re probably looking back on the month or so preceding this and thinking, “Where did it all go wrong?”
