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Right. RIGHT. So, the X Factor is still on.
Here are the opening titles. Here’s Dermot O Leary’s voice hurriedly aired in from Skype. It’s time to face the music. No, not time to face the music and dance. You are mistaken. Just time to face the music. Just maintain eye contact with the music until you start feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed and just want to go home.
Look, there’s an X Factor helicopter. Okay, so let’s talk about X Factor helicopters.
Jesse James is still talking about how he cheated on Sandra Bullock a year ago. It behooves him to talk about betraying his ex-wife for the sake of his book sales. So, his current book tour includes belated apologies and indignant admissions of guilt. However, you may be interested to know, any wrongdoing on his part is in the eye of the beholder and Jesse is only sorry that you’re so sensitive.
There are probably no innocent parties here and we don’t know the full story. There were two people in that relationship.
Until there were suddenly seven more people and Jesse was having sex with all of them. It took two of them to break-up the relationship. Which is, incidentally, roughly how many strippers with whom he cheated.
Imagine the fun you could have standing over Renee Zellweger and Sandra Bullock while they both sit before each other, taking it in turns to cry and do their best impression of melancholy. Just imagine!
Well, that’s what has been happening as Renee took her peculiar face to Bullock’s house and let all the water fall out of it.
They probably said things like “men are so not worth it”, before toying with the idea of some sorrow induced mock-lesbianism, but never actually getting round to it because neither actress has any sort of sexual allure or prowess. As such, they probably watched a film and ate cheap Chinese food from those cartons you’ve seen in films.
Celebrities are brilliant aren’t they? They’re always doing really stupid things and, in the event that they’re not, we can just make stuff up about them because they’ve got this misguided notion that all publicity is good publicity. You try telling that to John Leslie that.
Anyway, because they’re both on the rebound, everyone has decided that Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are now swapping bodily fluids in some kind of depressing sex-based grief triste.
Naturally, there are those that think this is the chance for these two sobbing celebrities to start afresh, after Reynolds got dumped by Scarlett Johansson and Bullock’s marriage to Jesse James collapsed under the sheer weight of mediocrity.
When Sandra Bullock comes to look back on 2010, it’s likely that all she see is a slate of total misery.
There’s been divorce. There’s been public exile. There’s been heartbreak so profound and all-encompassing that only the adoption of a baby could heal it. It hasn’t been a good year for Sandra Bullock at all. Until now, that is, because last night Sandra Bullock won a Teen Choice Award. You know who else won a Teen Choice Award? Justin Bieber.
So, you see, it doesn’t matter how many tattooed Nazi fetishists her husband slept with, or how emotionally vulnerable she’s become, or how freakishly rigid all that cosmetic surgery has left her face, according to the teenagers of America Sandra Bullock is still as popular as a stupid-haired infant with a girl’s voice and 400 different songs about Bebo. That’s something, isn’t it? No?
In a week where regular editor Stuart Heritage has gone missing, it is interesting to note that Sandra Bullock has obtained a temporary restraining order against a man accused of stalking her since 2003.
Heritage, who has the real name of Thomas James Weldon according to various reports and sources, has been ordered not to contact the actress at any of her homes or on movie sets. Weldon will have to attend a further hearing 6th August. Read More >>>
Who’s the most dangerous celebrity? Which fiend of myth wields the most power?
Cheryl Cole/Tweedy/Whatever? She’s only beaten up one toilet attendant, and that’s nothing for a Northern Girl, Cheryl Weedy more like. Russell Crowe? Well, there’s his terrible band with the terrible name and he can throw a mean phone, but that’s nothing new. Just ask Naomi Campbell.
No, it’s none of these monsters of legend – it’s Oprah. Oprah has just won the title of ‘officially the most powerful celebrity it the world’. And she won it with an elbow takedown in the fifth round, apparently.
See, Jesse James? See? You’re not the only one who parade around like a gigantic strumpet.
Your estranged wife Sandra Bullock is just as capable. In fact, she’s even better at it than you are. Why? Because you only managed to hook up with a Nazi fetishist who was covered in so many tattoos that she looked like she’d fallen asleep under a pile of damp newspapers. But Sandra Bullock? She just kissed Scarlett Johansson. On the lips. On television. Really briefly.
The Sandra Bullock/ Scarlett Johansson kiss happened at the MTV Movie Awards, and it was largely the sexiest thing to happen all night. But, hey, when hasn’t the sight of a 45-year-old woman kissing a 25-year-old woman to make up for her husband’s multiple heartbreaking infidelities been sexy? No? Just us?
