Samuel L Jackson is, once again, going to be teaming up with Quentin Tarantino. It has been confirmed and everything. This is fine, fine news.

Jackson’s publicist has told Variety that the actor has signed up for the film Django Unchained.

What’s Django Unchained? We like to think of it as Slave Japes. We also really hope Arnold Schwarzenegger gets a role in it. Let us explain.

Jackson (the hardest working man in Hollywood, c/o absolutely everybody) has been tipped to play Stephen.

Stephen is a house slave and the right-hand man of a sadistic slavemaster.

This is where Arnie comes in. See, since he went and had a secret love-child with a maid, he’s exactly the kind of actor that needs his career reviving with a curve ball penned by Tarantino.

With a Nazish accent, some dialogue that would be appalling and poor taste in anyone else’s hands, Arnold would be a brilliant sadistic slave-driver.

Elsewhere, Jamie Foxx strongly rumoured to be appearing in the movie’s title role in the movie while, sadly, everyone else is making eyes at Leonardo DiCaprio for the role of the evil plantation owner.

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There’s been a lot of buzz surrounding the release of the new Captain America film, despite the fact that, as superheroes go, Captain America is pretty lame. He’s called Captain America for starters – how lame is that?

Anyway, the first full movie trailer for Paramount/Marvel flick has arrived online, much to everyone’s initial thrill.

Captain America: The First Avenger has been directed by Joe Johston (who did… uh… Jurassic Park III and Jumanji… Christ, this is going to be awful isn’t it?) and stars (no, not that one) Chris Evans, Hayley Atwell, Hugo Weaving, Stanley Tucci, Sebastian Stan, Toby Jones, Samuel L. Jackson, Dominic Cooper, Tommy Lee Jones, Derek Luke and Neal McDonough. For the most part: Who? Whatever. Trailer is over the jump.

Captain America: The First Avenger will be landing on conventional and 3D screens across the US and UK from July 22nd, 2011.

Which is aaages away.

In this flick, we’ll see sickly Steve Rogers getting ramped up to something like human perfection in an experiment by the United States army in World War II during the 1940s.

Then, he’ll sport the most excellent camouflage of a bright blue suit and a red and white shield that is just aching to be aimed at.

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The tabloids were given a week off from having to rely on stoking anger and intolerance, and got to devote half of their pages to the new Coalition Party Announcement that Wills and Kate are planning to marry in a symbolic act to support unpopular economic policies.

Yes, David Cameron is hoping that Prince William’s marriage will give him a head-of-state makeover, a look pioneered by Tony Blair following the death of Diana.

Cameron quickly announced that the wedding date will be a bank holiday, which means that millions of people will still be able to not give a shit about people they don’t know, but in their own time. Which is jolly nice. It certainly puts all that icky stuff like war and poverty into perspective.

Thursday’s Sun featured John Lydon explaining that although he used to dislike what the the Royals stood for, Wills and Kate seemed terribly nice and that Diana was the embodiment of anti-establishment rebellion. What with Germaine Greer passionately endorsing Page 3, there was a clear message in the paper that it turned out the mainstream had been right all the time and any previous counter-culture was just silly youthful bleating that could now be safely ignored.

Oh well, tits and weddings are better than bread and circuses by our reckoning.

It wasn’t all punky smells and wedding bells. Last week’s ‘thing that we are supposed to be getting all angry about’ was poppy burning. Grrrr, those poppy burners made us so angry, with their lighting of small pieces of paper that they’ve had to make a charitable donation for.

In fact per square inch they’re an incredibly expensive protest device. No wonder the country is so embittered when the Royal Family, extremists and student rioters are so wasteful during these financially difficult times. The Lib Dem headquarters would have contained far cheaper furniture for the university-fees protesters.

Of course it was the symbolism of poppy-burning rather than expense that inspired the public ire. There’s something amusing about people getting ineffectively infuriated about a non-event that would only end if the same people stopped giving a damn about it. It is proof that stopping a tasteless act that offends you is not as much fun as being a bit cross about it. The whole thing is probably ironic. We’d have to check with some kind of impartial irony expert. Stephen Fry would know.

What was certainly ironic was a childrens’ retailer offending people as a direct result of a business decision made purely to limit offence. The Early Learning Centre were on the end of the tabloid-reading public’s insatiable appetite for ‘political correctness’ stories when they removed the pig from their farmyard sets in case it upset the religions that took their teachings from Samuel L Jackson’s non-swine digging character in Pulp Fiction.

The person interviewed by Thursday’s Sun upped the political-correctness-gone-mad danger rating from mad to ‘loopy’. This was the most mad political correctness had gone since someone, somewhere heard that you couldn’t call them man-holes anymore for fear of offending hermaphrodites. Right we’re off to the hairdressers to get that must-have haircut of the season- the ‘naughty protestor’.

This article has been approved by feminist intellectuals.

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With Sly Stallone’s bizarre announcement that he’d like Bruce Willis to appear as a villain in The Expendables 2 (because apparently flogging a dead horse once just isn’t enough) we here at Hecklerspray decided to man up and have ourselves a good, ol’ fashioned Die Hard marathon, to re-acquaint ourselves with one of our favourite action movie icons.

But something troubled us deeply, Die Hard, Die Hard 2: Die Harder, Die Hard 3: Die Hard With a Vengeance and Die Hard 4.0: Life Free or Die Hard, the scenes seemed to be a lot more ridiculous than we remembered. Happily this meant that we can bring you the top 10 most ridiculous scenes from the Die Hard series.

10. Kevin Smith – Die Hard 4.0

Maths isn’t my strongpoint, truth be told it isn’t a lot of people’s strongpoint, so how a cop who’s too stupid to wear anything other than a vest at Christmas and a middle aged man who still works as a shop assistant manage to solve this puzzle is beyond me.

8. Jumping off the Nakatomi plaza – Die Hard

In one of the most iconic scenes from the Die Hard quadrilogy our favourite New York Cop jumps from the exploding roof of the Nakatomi Plaza skyscraper whilst using a fire hose as a safety line, inadvertently giving some nut-cases the idea for BASE jumping. Miraculously the weight of a fully grown man falling doesn’t result in the hose simply breaking off and letting him fall to his death, it holds on for just long enough to give him time to get back inside… typical.

7. The Military Go AWOL – Die Hard 2

6. John Mclane vs Water Pressure – Die Hard With A Vengeance

5. Blowing Up A Jumbo Jet – Die Hard 2

At the end of Die Hard 2: Die-Harder-than-you-would-have-died-originally-even-though-that-doesn’t-make-sense-because-you’d-have-died-the-first-time it appears as if the bad guys have managed to escape. Until McClane turns up with his trusty Zippo to make them explode in the most over the top way possible. Out of all the weapons he had access too, he chose a zippo to destroy a plane filled with evil soldiers.

There are certain places that you’re allowed to swear: in the bedroom of a loved one during some sort of steamy romp, a rum-fuelled pool party round Samuel L. Jackson’s house, a Derek & Clive record.

But there are other places where it’s not so cool to swear: in the bedroom of a dying relative during some sort of last rites, a fundraiser for a Pentecostal Church-sponsored under-eight’s netball team, ON AMERICAN TELEVISION AT ANY TIME AT ALL.

What happens when sweary movies are shown on some of the more sensitive US networks? I mean, the best films feature those dastardly curse-words, don’t they? Whether it’s Joe Pesci telling some ‘C-word’ to go ‘eff his Mother’, Jason Statham telling you to ‘suck his so and so’ or Clark Gable telling Olivia de Havilland in Gone With The Wind that, “Quite frankly, you fucking slag, I couldn’t give a fisherman’s piss!”

So how can television combat this evil, evil language? Awful editing that’s how! They take the offending words, cut them and replace them with re-recorded, inoffensive but audibly similar dialogue. Sometimes they do it well, so that if you’d not seen the movie before and didn’t look at the actor’s face when he says the formerly naughty thing, you just about might not notice. Other times, they’re balls-out-of-the-bath brazen about it. No sync-ing, nothing!

Let’s have a look at the ten funniest examples. C’mon, don’t be shy. LOOK SEE!

Die Hard 2

An extravaganza of cutting-room antics here. The highlight being John McClane’s reaction to a plane about to run him over, “Aaah, shoot!”

Robocop

“So, Mr. TV Exec, can we use the word ‘asshole’? No? How about ‘boner’? Not even that? Blimey. Can we leave in all the people getting their heads kicked in and gunned down in a vicious hail of machine-gun bullets? We can? Oh right.”

Weird Science

Words censored here include: nuts, tongue, studs, whips, bang and nipples. Tee hee hee! Nipples!!!

Casino

I hope the editor here was on commission – Casino had over 750,00 swear words! Fuck!

Scarface

If only it tasted like pineapple, eh lads? Eh? Who’s with me? Yeah! No?

The Usual Suspects

Now this is the kind of thing that should bag you Best Film Editing Oscar. Truly, a thing of beauty…

Big Lebowski

What happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass? Same thing that happens when you fight a stranger in the Alps apparently (your car gets smashed up by the fat bloke from Roseanne).

Pulp Fiction

Those fuckers in the editing suite cut every fucking line out of Tarantino’s brilliant fucking screenplay. With what’s left, you may as well just not bother and watch a couple of old episodes on Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper or something. A Travesty.

Ghostbusters

Not even an innocuous film like Ghostbusters can get past Ol’ Editing Edward Scissorhands.

Snakes on a Plane

This is the classic of the genre. It doesn’t get any better than Big Sam’s “I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!” If only all hatchet jobs were this good, we could do away with swear words…

Had enough, you fudgin’ Margaret-flippers? Well, you better had ‘cause that’s it. Go on, scram, you fork-lift cake-sniffers…!

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If all the Virgin Media TV adverts haven’t already made you utterly sick of Samuel L Jackson’s face, we’ve got good news.

You’ll be seeing more of it. A lot more. In fact, if you plan on seeing any Marvel movie over the next decade, chances are that at some point Samuel L Jackson is going to walk on as Nick Fury, waggle his good eye around and bugger off again.

Because Marvel has just signed Samuel L Jackson up for nine movies – including Iron Man 2, Thor, Thor 2, Captain America and the long-awaited Nick Fury Sings The Hits Of Genesis.

Depending on how much of a geek you are, Samuel L Jackson’s surprise post-credits cameo as Nick Fury in Iron Man probably sparked one of the following reactions:

1 - “Oh cool, this means that S.H.I.E.L.D is going to play an important role in the tapestry of all future Marvel films!”

2 - “That’s not Nick Fury. He doesn’t even look anything like David Hasselhoff.”

3 - “What’s going on? I don’t know why I even bothered sitting through the poxy credits. I need a wee and one of my legs has gone to sleep. Oh, I hate this life.”

We won’t tell you which one of these was our reaction (Clue: the third one), but Samuel L Jackson went down so well as Nick Fury in Iron Man that Marvel has signed him up to do more of them. Nine more of them, in fact. Reuters reports:

The actor, who just weeks ago was seemingly on the outs with the studio over reprising his role as Nick Fury, agent of spy outfit S.H.I.E.L.D., in the “Iron Man” sequel, has signed an unprecedented nine-picture deal to play the character in a series of Marvel movies. In addition to “Iron Man 2,” scheduled for release next year, the movies include “Thor,” “Captain America,” “The Avengers” and its sequels.

We don’t know whether to be happy or sad for Samuel L Jackson. Given Marvel’s taste for cannibalistic incest, there’s a chance that he’ll end up in more than nine films – getting to star in far-off gems such as Thor 2, Thor 3, Captain America 2, Captain America 3, Thor Vs Captain America, Thor And Captain America Vs Iron Man, Iron Man Vs The Avengers, The Avengers Vs The Bavengers and Thor Gives Iron Man A Sneaky Hand-Job While Iron Man Is Away At A Conference.

Plus there’s a chance that, if all goes well, Samuel L Jackson will end up being given his own S.H.I.E.L.D movie, and that’s bound to excite everyone interested in seeing the day-to-day administrative chores of a large organisation thrillingly played out on the big screen.

But, on the other hand, we don’t think Samuel L Jackson should get his feet too far under the table just yet. It might be an uninformed hunch, but we do have a ‘Samuel L Jackson To Be Replaced By Don Cheadle‘ post loitering around that we don’t think will stay unpublished for very long, if you know what we mean.

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Comedian Bernie Mac died on Saturday after complications arose from his pneumonia.

And we’ll be the first to hold our hands up and say: we ‘effed up. Both in printing a story with contradictory information, entitled ‘See – We Told You Bernie Mac Was Going to be Okay’, then going on to delete said story from the site when news of Bernie’s death broke – it was a kneejerk reaction that, in hindsight, probably wasn’t the best of ideas.

In frantically trying to minimise the offence caused by the post, we ended up going against what hecklerspray is all about – so for both of these reasons above we say sorry.

Just as it was not our intention to say anything truly offensive, it was also not our intention to print misinformation concerning Mac’s health. Unfortunately, this is the way it sometimes goes with the Hollywood lark, and relying on the statements of a publicist who is saying the actor was getting better is something we will probably do less of in future, as it’s ended up with us looking like a right bunch of idiots.

Bernie Mac was a popular and respected comedian in his hometown of Chicago, as well as around the US. His profile had extended throughout the world with his burgeoning movie career, though his success and popularity were mainly centred in his native America.

Needless to say though – people knew who he was. The name, the face, those eyes – he may not have been the A-lister everyone talks about, but people certainly recognised the man and his accomplishments.

But what set Bernie apart from the crowd – from the legions of stand-ups turned actors, sitcom fodder and everything in-between – was his attitude towards life. Talking to the AP in 2001, Mac said:

“I came from a place where there wasn’t a lot of joy. I decided to try to make other people laugh when there wasn’t a lot of things to laugh about.”

There isn’t much more you can offer a man with an attitude like that than your respect, and we want to offer up ours through this somewhat insignificant tribute and apology to the man, his family, his friends and his fans.

In fact, there is incontrovertible evidence that Bernie Mac was a good guy – evidence that goes beyond the usual gushing praise the passing of an entertainer usually produces.

The simple fact that the man was very, very rarely featured on the pages of hecklerspray as anything more than a name mentioned.

This isn’t saying the man wasn’t famous enough, or that we didn’t think he was good enough to cover – it just shows that in his personal life, off the screen and away from the cameras, he was a normal, everyday family man. Not a pathetic, attention-seeking, money-grabbing waste of skin like so many of those that adorn these very pages.

So for that at the very least, Bernie Mac, we salute you.

It has been drawn to our attention, however, that a picture exists on another recently deceased entertainer’s website. The late Isaac Hayes, ex-Chef and Shaft singist who passed away yesterday, has a photograph of three celebrity personas who are, from left to right, Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes and Samuel L Jackson.

Is this a huge coincidence, or is it some kind of warning? Not that we’d want to pick up on any of this mumbo-jumbo, but the fact that the actors are in the correct order of their deaths… well… we’re a bit scared for Sam right now.

Have a look for yourselves. (Note that the site doesn’t seem to have been updated since Isaac’s sudden death, so this picture will probably be removed later today and replaced with a tribute to the soul giant)

Or just check it out here.