Joy Division once grimly said that love will tear us apart.

It’s almost like Ian Curtis was the Nostradamus of predicting how long couples will last. Sitting in a specially adapted room, he’d glance at a pair of lovebirds before uttering “six months”, “forever” or “half an hour”.

One person who could have benefited from this genius prediction system is born-again popstar Lee Ryan. Our favourite taxi driver beater and failed chef has appeared to have a very public tiff with his lover Samantha Miller. Ladies, dust off your seductive lingerie – the clueless moron could be back on the market!

From the beginning, we never had high hopes for this relationship. The pair didn’t exchange glances across a crowded Wetherspoons pub or hilariously clash trolleys in the George section of Asda. It was much more romantic than that. For some unknown reason, Samantha Miller was a fan of the processed garbage otherwise known as Blue, the group Lee Ryan partly whines with.

She sent him revealing pictures via MySpace, and from there the rest is history. After a year of sending badly-spelt messages back and forth, the two became a couple and later had a baby. When we tried sending sexy snaps of ourselves to people like Megan Fox and Cheryl Cole, we just got court orders. Bloody typical.

In the past, we admit that we may have been slightly cruel to the person we now regard as our favourite popstar. However, this gem only cements our theory that Lee Ryan is a bit of tit and has quite frankly sentenced his own child to a life of misery. Until now, we were unaware but the Daily Mail reports:

“In December, Miller gave birth to their son Rayn Lee Amethyst, just a year after they first met. They wanted to use the letters in the name Ryan to make a new name for their son.”

Have you seen what they’ve done? Look very closely at the name of their offspring and you should see it! Lee’s surname is Ryan and their child’s name is Rayn. They either let a dyslexic name him, or they didn’t have the creative energy to call him Yar, Ay, Nar, Yan, Nr, Ran, Lee Ryan Jr or My Dad Is A Massive Bell-End.

While that’s an issue that can be fixed via deed poll when Rayn is old enough to run away from home and live in the forest with the woodland creatures, it doesn’t solve the current problem. The Daily Mail again reports that Lee and Samantha had a bit of a tiff. And not the sort where he bought Diet Coke instead of the full-on sugary kind. Instead, it was a very public outing which quite likely got people to stop what they were doing, point and laugh:

“The former Blue singer was seen storming out of a Mayfair hotel yesterday, followed by Miller, 26.When she managed to get him to stop Ryan, 26, appeared to shout at his wife-to-be. He was seen thrusting a fist full of bank notes at Samantha – signalling the row may have been over money. She was seen leaving a short time later looking shaken.”

Oh dear. We hope this isn’t going to hurt their upcoming wedding. Every day we hound the postman and ask him where our invite for the big event is. We also want to be the first place to bid for the wedding photos. We’ll start at £50 and a case of cherry lambrini.

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However, we were proven wrong when we were told that a couple can prove their love for each other by ‘creating a baby’. This literally knocked us back, throwing into disarray our previous notion that a child is created using flour, the tears of an orphan, vanilla extract, nail clippings and the sweat from a man/woman depending on what sex you wanted the child to be.

In days gone by, people would takes months to even kiss each other – never mind engage in any sexual goings on. Having a baby would only happen a good few years after marriage, under the eyes of God and surrounded by an approving society. However, we now live in a culture where a girl will flash her tits for half a pint of lager or for a couple of cold chips.

So just imagine our disgust when we found out our number one celebrity fan and all round grasper of swear words Lee Ryan has left his pregnant fiancée of eight months.

Ages ago, Lee Ryan called hecklerspray scribbler Chris Laverty a “cunt” after reading a story about pop-demigods Blue being mime artists on stage. A pop band not singing live? That’s like saying they don’t write their own songs. When will the lies stop?

We decided to stick by our Lee despite his misspelt messages to the hecklerspray Myspace page and sometimes our personal accounts. From the lows of walking out of Hell’s Kitchen and lamping a taxi driver, we’ve been there for our bruv. Granted, there haven’t been any highs for him yet like a Mercury Prize nomination, but we still have expectations of him.

It’s only recently come to our attention that Lee did indeed find love – hooray! We were just about to crack open some Superbrew to celebrate, but then we found out a few things. His girlfriend Samantha Miller didn’t meet him in a fancy restaurant or nightclub. No, she got her tits out and sent him the pictures through Myspace. Who says romance is dead? Not our Lee of course, who fell head over heels for Samantha. Likely because he didn’t have to pay 35p to see a pair of boobs in The Sun.

More than likely this story will be sold to a tacky women’s magazine, but a source told the Daily Star:

“She is distraught and doesn’t know what to do – it is horrible enough to be dumped any time, but with her pregnancy, and all her hopes they would build a future as a family, it has left her in tears.”

In the interests of fairness, a friend of the elephant man – possibly Laverty – said:

“They’ve only been dating a few months and we didn’t expect him to settle down any time soon.”

Samantha was a fan of Blue in her youth and was said to have pictures of Lee all over her room. These days she’s five months pregnant and all alone in the world. It looks like she may have to sell those much-loved wall coverings to afford clothing for the child now.

We believe this proves that Lee is not actually sexually attracted to humans, but actually elephants. No-one with any sort of morals would do such a thing to a lady who’s up the duff. Remember everyone; this is the bloke who thought 9/11 was a drop in the ocean compared to the plight of the elephants.

Reports that he has moulded his penis to resemble an elephant’s trunk are unconfirmed and we aren’t volunteering to find out. Maybe a fan from Myspace can confirm or deny things for us in a few months. Though, to be honest, everyone knows Facebook is where it’s at these days.