Say what you like about Samatha Janus – actually, no, don't say what you like about Samantha Janus, especially if it's about how much Samantha Janus likes having lesbian orgies on drugs, because she'll just end up suing you.

And more than that, she'll end up winning – because Samantha Janus definitely, officially, legally doesn't like to have massive lesbian orgies on drugs, because that's what The Sunday Sport said about her and she's just won a giant load of damages for it. And let's hope that Samantha Janus' disinterest in having massive sweaty lesbian orgies on drugs also stretches to the rest of her EastEnders TV family, because that way we know that the frankly rather sickening mental images we've been having of Phil Mitchell all red-faced in the middle of a three-hour massive sweaty lesbian sex orgy on drugs will never manifest themselves physically.

As the recent scandal over the nonexistant '2 hecklerspray writers 1 cup' internet video has taught us, it's not nice when people make up lies about your sexual preferences. For the record, there were six of us present and it wasn't a cup, it was a bucket. Really, when will these lies stop?

In the past Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher had to deal with sexual lies being printed about her when media outlets claimed she shagged a load of men in a camper van – something so untrue that Teri Hatcher won a stack of compensatory damages from whoever published it. And now it's the turn of Samantha Janus, the actress famous for acting like a bit of a slapper in woefully-dated mid-nineties sitcom Game On, acting like a bit of a slapper in the woefully-dated late-nineties sitcom Babes In The Wood and prancing about in her bra in all sorts of lad's mags when they were still popular.

But recently Samantha Janus was handed a golden lifeline to save her from a future of Where The Heart Is and Judge John Deed guest-spots when she was given a job on EastEnders as Ronnie Mitchell – niece of Peggy Mitchell, cousin of Phil Mitchell and sister to a woman who looks like an Alan Sugar Terrahawk puppet. But with renewed success came renewed unwanted media attention for Samantha Janus, and it wasn't long before newspapers were banging on about all the three-hour massive sweaty dirty lesbian sex orgies on drugs that she has.

Or doesn't have, should we say. In the summer, The Sunday Sport printed an article claiming that Samantha Janus had a three-hour drug-fuelled lesbian sex orgy with her boyfriend and one of her female friends, while also claiming that she had unprotected sex with a male model in his car on a public street once – and all of it was so untrue that Samantha Janus has taken the newspaper to court for libel and won all sorts of undisclosed damages.

The article was also accompanied by two topless pictures of Samantha Janus taken by her old boyfriend that were not intended for publication. In court it was argued that the photos should have never been published, possibly because anyone who wants to see Samantha Janus topless that much can rent either bad rugby movie Up 'N Under or bad generic drama Different Strokes instead of going through the humiliating process of buying The Sunday Sport.

Anyway, all this goes to prove is that you'd better not tell lies about Samantha Janus' sex life; just like other EastEnders faces Stacey Slater, Dirty Den and Sean Slater. But that's only because they've respectively had sex on CCTV in a hotel corridor, dressed up as Captain Hook and wanked off on the internet and apparently sent a model a photo message of a pig with a penis for head, and it be hard to come up with lies that are funnier than those.