Do you remember a time when it was okay to be named ‘Osama’? When you wouldn’t get looked at funny, or referred to as ‘that one that is probably a terrorist, just because he shares the name with a bad man’?

We just ask as it’s quite funny, seeing as Britney Spears’ one-time sidekick is named Osama and all the popular press and the like refer to him as ‘Sam’. If it weren’t for some events in September of 2001 then maybe hecklerspray would accept that this were simply a nickname, or shortened version of his given name. As it is, however, Osama Lutfi is clearly referred to as Sam for fear of being likened to a terrorist.

Silly as that may be, he doesn’t exactly help his cause when he gets the master of mental – that’s Britney, fact fans – to put out a restraining order on him. Which is exactly what happened. But fret not, as Britney no longer wishes for it to be law that he can’t come near her! Thank the almighty for that.

Osama Lutfi was at Britney’s side during a fair bit of her much-publicised spiral of insanity earlier this year, with Britney’s own mother accusing ‘he with the safely Americanised shortened name’ of holding her daughter hostage, drugging her and controlling her finances.

The obvious solution to that problem was, of course, to put Britney’s father, James, in charge of her personal life, keeping control on her movements as well as controlling her finances. This was all on top of – just to be on the safe side – putting out a restraining order on Osama.

Lutfi, that is – not bin Laden. That would be a bit daft.

For once it would seem like Britney had done something pretty sane – a man apparently contributed in an incredibly negative fashion to her life, so she got the law to tell him he can’t come within 250 yards of her. Fair play. Then she decides that she doesn’t want to renew the restraining order, but still doesn’t want him to come anywhere near hear… whu?

Ahhh – it all makes sense. Britney’s papa will just stand in the way of the door, telling Osama something like ‘she’s practising her VMA routine’, ‘she’s gone to see the kids‘ or ‘she’s going a bit mad for the TV cameras again’. It will all work out perfectly, we’re sure.

The attorney who must be earning a warehouse full of of cash by dealing with Britney said these words:

“Britney has made clear to everyone that she does not want to be further harassed or contacted in any way by Osama ‘Sam’ Lutfi, now or at anytime in the future.”

Take that, Osama! Hecklerspray hasn’t even had a pointless restraining order off Britney Spears in the first place, and we follow her even more than you apparently do. We even have the shape of her face burned onto our skin, and we don’t have to change our names for fear of idiotic reactions. The system works!

Whereas it would be nice to get an irate, aggressive and downright shocking reaction from Osama Lutfi, threatening to pursue Miss Spears to the ends of the earth (or just push her dad out of the way), we have to settle with what he told the AP:

“Mr. Lutfi and Mr. Spears have mutually agreed in private that no hearing or order is necessary at this time.”

And how are we meant to sensationalise that? Bugger it – he probably still has a crap beard anyway.

The Big Brother ‘Where Are They Now?’ file is giant and largely pointless, full of Nuts covershoots and hamfisted stabs at TV presenting.

And then there’s Samanda. You know – Samanda. They were twins from last year’s Big Brother. One of them was called Sam and one of them was called Amanda. They were shit, but they almost won. Remember? The only thing either of them said from beginning to end for the entire length of the series was the word ‘pink’. Ah, now you remember.

Since leaving Big Brother, Samanda released a cover version of Barbie Girl that couldn’t have been any more terrible if it was a Finnish death metal song called Rape The Young. The song rightfully failed, which is why Samanda have implemented Plan B.

And Plan B, believe it or not, is a fashion column on the internet. We know, we’re as staggered as you are. As far as we were aware, neither Sam or Amanda could even speak a coherent sentence, let alone write one. And yet here they are blabbing away about clothes like they’re bloody experts.

Want to know what Samanda thinks about floral prints? About Agyness Deyn? About the French first lady? Oh you bloody do. Which is why you should probably click the link below.

Read more:

Samanda – Osoyou