Poor Lindsay Lohan. She doesn’t seem to have a friend in the world apart from that bottle of beer that constantly encourages her to take of its lid and slurp down its tasty goodness.

Of course, a pending spell in prison will seriously throw anyone’s career into doubt. Still, at least she didn’t pick the incriminating threat route like Mel Gibson.

However, having a career is a necessity to prolonging your ability to stay in the limelight. Somehow, Lindsay Lohan has done this by having such mega hits as Mean Girls behind her. Surely becoming an overnight lesbian and modern day Laurel and Hardy with girlfriend Samantha Ronson wouldn’t end in tears? Oh, wait it did. But that hasn’t stopped Samantha Ronson from defending poor Lindsay against all the haters, especially nasty Joan Rivers.

After the news of Lohan’s 90-day prison sentence, where she’ll share a cell with cross-eyed Brenda and one-boobed Margaret, everyone pretty much reacted the same. Did we sob for Lindsay Lohan because she wouldn’t be able to sleep in her bed with pillows made from beaver fur? No, we all had a giggle and wondered how any lawyer would get out of the mess she drunkenly drove herself into.

The online community took well to the news, with everyone voicing their opinions on Lohan’s situation. A quick flick through Twitter indicated that people still weren’t feeling sorry for her. Of course, people connected to Lindsay Lohan will have felt some sorrow about her plight. There’ll now be a distinct rise in the number of socialists who can’t leach onto Lindsay Lohan in order to get in a club for free.

Mark Ronson’s sister Sam is one of the few people who was actually upset by the imminent departure of Lohan. Now her career will focus solely on her DJing and not reports of rows/splits/rekindlements with her on and off girlfriend. Randomly taking to Twitter, Sam Ronson took particular dislike at multiple tweets from Joan Rivers, which included:

“Lindsay Lohan is so dumb. Her idea of being sworn in is cursing at the judge.”

“Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn’t mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.”

“I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 Proof.”

As a comedian whose been performing for decades, Joan Rivers has probably never had an easier time when it comes to writing material. On the other hand, Sam Ronson hasn’t quite perfected her craft at making snipey remarks that are funny and make sense. She replied by tweeting:

“You have collagen older than Lindsay, pick on someone your own age, oh wait I guess people that old can’t hear.”

Erm… yeah! You go Sam Ronson; show everyone who’s boss with retorts that a twelve-year-old girl would shriek. How did Joan Rivers ever sleep that night knowing that she’d just been given a verbal slap? Not very well probably, she’d be choking on laughter from Ronson’s tweet.

Just remember kids, there’s another Lohan to potentially come. And if history repeats itself with the Spears Sisters, it could all get very messy.

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Lindsay Lohan is rather attached to her Twitter account. Attached in a way one should never become attached to a social network. Attached like a chocoholic to their very last Rolo, if you will.

The star can often be found on Twitter taking utter leave of her senses. That is to assume that she had any senses to begin with, but there are only so many hours in a day and we have to start somewhere.

She tells Twitter her intimate secrets. She shares her hopes and fears. She uses ellipses and exclamation marks in a manner that suggests she fears a shortage of both. She goes on 140-character rants in a manner that makes you glad she doesn’t have over 100,000 people reading her lunacy. Oh dear, hang on a minute.

Lindsay has been ranting a whole lot on her Twitter lately. Damn near daily. In fact we can assume she’s going on a rant right now. Listen. If you prick up your ears you can probably hear her mobile phone screaming in pain at having the snot beaten out of it with the constant updating.

Lindsay has been using the site as a means to reach out to longtime love Samantha Ronson. That is an oddity. We’re quite sure that at some point while dating someone you might be allowed to have their phone number. Better yet, you may even be privy to their home address. As such you could harass them on their doorstep, rather than making a fool of yourself online. Then there’s the saga with her own father, Michael Lohan, a man whom she labelled “a lunatic”.

The former actress turned total non-druggy – who has probably never tried drugs at all because they’re dangerous and yucky – is getting a bit of a reputation. She is becoming known for going on rants about her loved ones and then deleting the evidence. Thankfully Lindsay doesn’t seem to know about fancy-schmancy things like Print Screen and Copy and Paste. She has no idea her messages live on, even after she hits the delete button.

People reported on some of the messages Lindsay wrote about her father:

“My father is a lunatic & doesn’t even deserve such a title since he’s never been around in my life other than when he’d threaten me & my family,” Tweeted Lindsay, who just finished shooting the thriller Machete opposite Robert DeNiro. “He should be where he has always put himself after verbally abusing and physically abusing people all my life-behind bars.”

There’s no getting away from how Lindsay feels about her father. He is seeking conservatorship of her giant mountain of money, which is bound to cause friction. No – he wants conservatorship to stop her accidentally poking herself in the eye with sharp objects. No – he wants control over her so he can stop her from going on Twitter all the bloody time.

From Radar Online:

“As far as Lindsay is concerned, if she goes into a rehab, I will stop,” he told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “But if the lies continue and the prescription drug use doesn’t stop, neither will I.”

Whatever he wants, he is refusing to stop going to the press until Lindsay caves in. He’s been in the press almost every day for the last week. Taking that into account, we think Lindsay should cave in and stop kissing Gerard Butler or whatever she’s doing right this second and do as her dad says.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who we all heart very much

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When the list is finally produced covering the ‘Things We Absolutely Do Not Want To Ever Know About, Ever’, this will be right up there at the top.

Nobody needs to know that Sam Ronson has apparently bought Lindsay Lohan a big pile of sex toys for her birthday.

We didn’t need to know, we didn’t want to know and we feel a bit sick now. Which is why we had to tell you lot, so you can feel as ill as we do.

Yep – sick as a dog.

When looking through what there is in the world to report on we went through many reasonable stories – the ever-stunning Mickey Rourke fighting roadworks, the ongoing saga of Jordan and Peter Andre which we all care so deeply about or even the court appearance of the now-less-frightening Amy Winehouse.

But even though they were the better things to report on, we had let out eyes rest for too long on the news that Sam Ronson had allegedly bought her on-off-in-out-on-through-again girlfriend Lindsay Lohan a basket of dildos.

Sometimes we wish our eyes would just piss off and stop relaying information to our brain, just so we didn’t know anything about this ever happening.

Even if it isn’t true – it is from the reputed journal that is the National Enquirer, after all – it’s still a sick enough thought to make us actually want to die. Or go on a killing spree. Probably more the second one, as hecklerspray values its own life over that of others.

As the Enquirer said with its evil, evil, eye-poisoning words:

“Samantha presented her with a gift guaranteed to create lots of buzz – a big, brightly gift-wrapped basket of sex toys selected by herself. She spent hours shopping Hollywood’s erotic emporiums for the items.”

Going so far as to throw in a “buzz” pun makes it more sickening than we ever thought possible. We thought it was bad that the video of Michael Jackson‘s head exploding was released about thirty seconds after he’d died, but this is a new low.

We hope you’re all happy now. In our pursuit for excellence, we’ve had to learn this information. To consider this thought. To think about Sam Ronson, Lindsay Lohan and a big pile of rubber tallywhackers.

We blame you, and only you for this.

In a news nugget sure to change the very way we think about humanity itself, Lindsay Lohan has arrived in London to do some stuff.

Hold us back, this could be epoch-making.

Speculation has been mounting that the star of Herbie and, umm… hecklerspray has timed her arrival to coincide with that of former/current were-they-weren’t-they lover/pal/fanny chum Sam Ronson, who is in town to get paid to play a couple of records.

It’s called “DJing”, apparently. Ah well, at least it involves more talent than standing still and managing not to die while being photographed. For money. Which exactly what Lindsay is doing.

The conspiracy theorists don’t normally go to town on celebrity news, instead focusing on more important things like why the pyramids exist, how aviation fuel “doesn’t burn like that!!!?” or why Piers Morgan is allowed to carry on living.

This time, however, the paranoia is flying in from all angles with a plethora of conflicting reports, hearsay and general anarchy on the presses. It’s sure to be the end of the world as we know it.

It is possible people have just got a bit bored of talking about Robert Pattinson, they realised they don’t like Susan Boyle anymore and they discovered that (as we said) the Eminem/Bruno skit was indeed set up, so they have to fall back to some more generic celebrity news.

Either that or there’s been an attack of nostalgia on the part of all of those celebrity news outlets and they have collectively felt the need to report on a true classic of the gossip columns.

Why all the speculation? Well probably because there isn’t a whole lot to go on with regards to this story – Lindsay Lohan has arrived in the UK a day or two after her possibly-though-maybe-not-anymore-if-she-ever-was-to-begin-with girlfriend Sam Ronson, and is scheduled to make appearances in similar places at similar times.

The most astonishing facts from the story popped up in The Mirror though, with the paper reporting:

“While she was on the Eurostar, LiLo took pictures on her mobile phone of her with her fingers in her mouth, looking all worried.”

Truly mind-blowing stuff.

But hey, it’s not like people haven’t always followed their other halves around – we managed to alienate one whole girl from our lives by relentlessly following her for three years solid. It would have been fine, but we’re not one person, we’re an amalgamated form of writers and critics, so it’s sure to spook anyone out.

Lindsay is only human though, and not an amorphous blob of biting cynicism, so she’s more than welcome to stalk her (possible) ex. Yes, human, and – if she is a bit of a mental stalker – definitely creepy with it.

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We have good news and bad news. The good news? Lindsay Lohan won’t be concentrating on her career like she promised.

The bad news? It’s because Lindsay Lohan might very well be back together with Sam Ronson. Nothing’s confirmed yet, but a series of meetings and a suspicious Facebook update certainly seem to point in that direction. So the question is this – are Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson back together?

To which the only appropriate response is to murmur “Oh God, I don’t CARE!” before repeatedly slamming your head on a desk. We trust that’s what you’re all doing now.

Boys, you had a brief window but now it’s closed. If you wanted to sleep with a chainsmoking, prematurely haggard recovering alcoholic with a voice that sounds like The Vengeful Ghost Of Bea Arthur, then you’re just going to have to pay a ridiculously cheap prostitute or a homeless glue-sniffer. Your chance with Lindsay Lohan has gone.

Possibly. You see, there’s a very strong chance that The Greatest Love Story The World Has Ever Known (Featuring An Attention-Seeking Flimbox And A Woman Who Looks Like Some Butch Celery) is back on. You see, a love like Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson’s love can’t be kept apart by anything, not even Sam Ronson becoming so infuriated with Lindsay Lohan that she changed the locks to their house and got a restraining order against her and stuff.

We’ll let the New York Post explain exactly what’s going on:

The former couple reunited on Thursday afternoon, when Lohan stopped by the DJ’s Hollywood Hills home and they spent several hours together… Shortly after the meeting, Ronson reportedly changed her Facebook profile to “It’s complicated,” prompting speculation that the stars are working out their problems to rekindle their love.

Oh, the old ‘It’s complicated’ Facebook conundrum. It’s a relationship status that never quite explains the full story. If only Facebook could add new relationship statuses – for example ‘It’s tedious’ or ‘I’m scared that my bonkers ex-girlfriend will knife me in my sleep if I keep the status set to single’ – then all would be explained in a jiffy.

But forget about all that, because if Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson really have got back together, then it’s bound to be bittersweet for the both of them. It’s hard to go back to a relationship once you’ve pulled a sad face for a magazine and told everyone how alone you are. Plus, you know, it means that we’ve all got to go through all this again when Lindsy Lohan and Sam Ronson split up again in about a fortnight. And that’s not going to be pretty.

But, hey, let’s focus on the positives here. If Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson really are back together, then it means they can pick up their tradition of fighting in public during major calendar events. And let’s not forget that next Monday is a bank holiday – fingers crossed they’ll wrestle each other with power tools!

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say LohanWe’re thrilled that Ellen DeGeneres gave Lindsay Lohan a platform to air her views on her break-up yesterday.

Because where else has Lindsay Lohan had the opportunity to discuss her life since the Sam Ronson split? You know, apart from her Twitter account. And her MySpace blog. And that magazine she’s on the front cover of. And all the other magazines she’s not on the front cover of. And that Funny Or Die video. And TMZ approximately every six or seven seconds. Nowhere, that’s where.

So what did Lindsay Lohan have to say to Ellen yesterday? Oh, like anybody cares.

Did you know that Lindsay Lohan recently split up with Sam Ronson? You didn’t? Well, we’ve got some shocking news for you, so you’d better sit down on the floor of your prehistoric cave – Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have split up. We know. We imagine that the one or two people on the planet who actually a) care about either Lindsay Lohan or Sam Ronson and b) approved of their relationship are probably quite cut up about it.

Since the split, both parties have tried to move on as best they can. Sam Ronson has presumably thrown herself into looking like a tooth-gnarled novelty pencil full-time, while Lindsay Lohan has adopted a more two-pronged approach – firstly she’s reminded the world that she’s got tits, and secondly she hasn’t shut up about the split, not once, not even for a second, since the bastard actually happened.

There was the real-time commentary on the split itself via Lindsay’s Twitter account, of course, and the stunned aftermath played out in Lindsay’s ‘I’m So Alone’ magazine story. So yesterday it was time for the next logical step – Lindsay Lohan went on the Ellen show to babble on obliviously about herself some more despite the fact that there can’t honestly be anyone anywhere who gives even the embryonic stages of a hoot about it any more. People reports:

“I had no idea what was going on. I just hadn’t seen her in, like, a week. She, like, disappeared,” Lohan says. Lohan denied infidelity was the cause: “I don’t believe in cheating on someone.” And Lohan still holds hope that the split won’t be permanent. “I really care about Samantha… Maybe when we’re fully in the right place. And I love her.”

Lindsay Lohan’s refusal to believe that it’s over is beautiful, really. Romantic. You know, like how keeping your dead mother’s body in your freezer and spending every night waltzing around your house in her underwear to the soundtrack of The Wicker Man is romantic. Like we said, romantic.

But maybe enough is enough. maybe now Lindsay Lohan should forget about Sam Ronson and try to focus on her career. Whatever that is. It’s been so long since Lindsay Lohan has been paid to do anything that we’ve forgotten what it is that she actually does. We want to say window cleaner…

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Admit it, you were sad when Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson split up. We were, but only because we knew the consequences.

And what consequences they are. Now that she’s split with Sam Ronson, it means that we’ll have to put up with Lindsay Lohan bleating on relentlessly about how sad she is until the end of time. That’s not an exaggeration – we’ll all have to listen to Lindsay Lohan’s self-pity until the literal end of actual time.

Because Lindsay Lohan hasn’t just split up with Sam Ronson – a woman from The Sopranos was also slightly rude to her. Sad.

Here’s a friendly warning, kids – make yourselves comfortable. If you thought that the Rihanna/Chris Brown thing dragged on, or that the Phil Spector trial got a bit boring after the first three months, you’re in for a nasty surprise. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have split up and we don’t think that we’re going to hear the end of it. Ever.

It’s true. Remember that Lindsay Lohan is the sort of girl who, if she thought that a goat gave her a funny look at a petting zoo, would rattle off thousands of interminable blog posts detailing precisely how that goat had destroyed her hard-won self-esteem even though she’s a good person deep down.

So something a little more serious – like splitting up with her long-term partner – can only result in Lindsay Lohan staggering around bellowing about how sad she is like a moose in a maze until the earth is swallowed up by the sun.

It’s already started – just days after Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson ended it, Lindsay has already elbowed her way onto the front cover of Us Weekly to wail “I AM SO ALONE” in gigantic bright yellow letters. And if you thought that was melodramatic, just wait until you hear what Lindsay said in the accompanying story:

“It’s absolute hell… The worst night of my life… I’m not a bad person and this is what happens. I was raised to treat people well, and I’m so tired of this drama. Everyone’s turned on me,” says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said “Uck,” and Drea De Matteo said, “Come at me, bitch.”

That’s terrible. It’s bad enough being dumped, but you know you’ve hit rock bottom when Nicole Richie and the woman who used to be in Joey turn on you. They’re like the Greek choir of crap that nobody could possibly ever bring themselves to care about.

Actually, we do feel a little bit sorry for Lindsay Lohan here. We’ve all been in a similar situation at one point or another in our lives, and the feeling that you’ll never meet another funny-looking mannish lesbian with bad teeth and a shit hat can be overbearing. But it gets better, Lindsay, we promise.

There’s a whole world of people out there, Lindsay, and you can have your pick of any of them. Just make sure it isn’t Calum Best again, OK? Because, although you probably are that stupid, it’d be nice if you chose not to be for once.

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You’ve done a lot of stupid things in the past, Lindsay Lohan – *coughHerbiecough* – but this takes the cake.

Lindsay Lohan has split with Sam Ronson. And it’s meant that Sam Ronson had to change the locks to her apartment, and that Lindsay Lohan has spent most of her time thumping out all kinds of illegible fury on her Twitter page. But why so stupid?

Because it’s Easter, and Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are supposed to mark all major holidays with a public brawl. We were looking forward to that brawl, Lindsay Lohan. You won’t be forgiven in a hurry.

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson shared the love that dare not speak its name. True, the main reason that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson’s love dare not speak its name is because if it did then Lindsay and Sam would start punching each other in public, then Lindsay Lohan’s dad would write a blog telling everyone that he hated Sam Ronson, then Lindsay and Sam would both blog furious retaliations and Lindsay Lohan’s mother would make a tedious reality show about it all – but the point still holds firm.

Anyway, it’s not like any of us should worry about it any more, because Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have taken the train to splitsville, upsetting approximately nobody in the process.

Nobody can really say for sure why Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson split up – some say it’s because Sam cheated on Lindsay, some say it’s because Lindsay cheated on Sam, some think that it’s because both Lindsay and Sam came to a mutual understanding that they were both pretty dreadful human beings and split up for the benefit of mankind – but whatever the reason, the aftermath sure was amusing. The New York Daily News reports:

A locksmith was spotted changing the front door bolts at Ronson’s house on Saturday… Though Ronson, did not retaliate on her own Twitter page, Lohan continued to address comments to her former flame writing, “look, i’m doing this publicly because u & ur friends call[ed] people mag … so – you win, you broke my heart. now go away. i loved you.”

As we’ve said, the split is a little bit disappointing – following the New Year’s fight and the Valentine’s Day fight, we were expecting a four-day punching extravaganza between Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson to take place in the middle of Times Square replete with backing dancers and fireworks and the musical stylings of Lionel Richie to mark the Easter weekend – but is it a good or a bad thing?

Well, obviously the relationship was getting a little bit destructive towards the end, so in that respect it’s good that it’s over. But it also means that Lindsay Lohan no longer has a girlfriend to listlessly trail around after night after night, so how is she going to spend her time now? Making films? Don’t be silly. Getting naked again? But she’s already done that.

No, we need to hire a transitional decoy who Lindsay Lohan can hang around with until she’s over the split. Someone who looks identical to Sam Ronson. Does anyone have the number of this beauty?

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Speculation over Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson’s relationship has been running wild over recent months.

But let’s give credit where it’s due. It doesn’t matter how bad things seem to be between them, Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are at least limiting their embarrassing public spats to major calendar events. Following their New Year’s Eve blow-up, Lindsay and Sam have decided to have a Valentine’s Day fight as well.

Fans of hearing the same old nonsense should read on – everyone else should wait for Pancake Day, when Lindsay Lohan plans to set fire to Sam Ronson’s feet.

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have never enjoyed what you might call a conventional relationship. That’s not a poke at their lesbianism, you understand. It’s a poke at the fact that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson look, to all intents and purposes, like they constantly want to bludgeon each other’s face in with the nearest massive rock.

We can’t remember the last time we saw Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson together looking anything other than vaguely murderous. In fact, the only times that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are seen together, they tend to be on the cusp of some sort of gigantic catfight that would normally be considered sexy were it not for the fact that one of them looks like a 45-year-old transvestite with a tracheotomy and the other one looks like a bloke that was kicked out of The Specials for being too malnourished.

Those with medium-sized memories of this rubbish will remember that Lindsay and Sam spent their New Year’s Eve shrieking at each other in a hotel, something that went down so well they decided to reprise it for Valentine’s Day. The NY Post reports:

“Samantha Judith Ronson, why are you doing this to me?” cried Lindsay Lohan as she chased her lover down East First Street in the wee hours of Valentine’s Day…. Jogging along as fast as her high heels would allow, Lindsay kept up a steady stream of pleas and wails. At one point Samantha stopped and said something in a whisper. “What are you talking about?” shrieked Lindsay in response, “I’ve been with you all night!”

And to think, you probably spent your Valentine’s Day reaffirming your love for your partner. Idiot.

The problem here seems to be that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are trapped in their relationship. Any guidance counsellor worth their salt would take one look at Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson, listen to about a millisecond of their furious attention-seeking honks and squeals and decide that they probably shouldn’t even share a continent, let alone a bed.

But Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson can’t split up – if they do then people will stop booking Sam Ronson to DJ for them because they know that Lindsay Lohan won’t turn up with her. Also, splitting up would ultimately mean that Lindsay Lohan’s dad was right, and it’s a fundamental rule of the universe that Lindsay Lohan’s dad has never been right about a single thing in his entire life.

So they’re damned if they do and damned if they don’t. See you back here on Mother’s Day, then. We hear that Sam Ronson is going to celebrate it by trying to push an anvil off a cliff onto Lindsay Lohan’s head.

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Lindsay Lohan and her dad Michael have a complex relationship – you never know who the biggest twonk is.

Obviously your first instinct is Lindsay Lohan. She’s not just a twonk these days – she’s a professional twonk, with her every move painstakingly calibrated for maximum twonkiness. But look closer and you’ll see that Michael Lohan comprehensively out-twonks his daughter.

Why? Because Michael Lohan has written a blog post urging the public to help him split Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson up, that’s why. Oh, but he does consistently refer to Sam Ronson as SaMANtha, so at least wit’s on his side, eh?

Sometimes – and we swear to God we’ll hunt you down and kill you if you tell this to anyone – we feel a little bit sorry for Lindsay Lohan. As if it’s not bad enough being one of the most awful people on the face of the Earth, the poor girl’s saddled with one of the worst families, too. Lindsay Lohan’s mother is happy to sell her family out to reality TV without losing any sleep. Lindsay Lohan’s sister seems to have inherited the singing voice of Lee Marvin. And then there’s Lindsay Lohan’s dad.

Michael Lohan deserves special attention because he can never seem to make up his mind about whether he loves Lindsay Lohan or whether he wants to suffocate her in her sleep so that he can wear her skin like a suit and dance around fooling people into thinking that he is actually her.

Lindsay and Michael have had their good moments, but they pale into insignificance when compared to all their crappy moments, like when Michael Lohan told the world that Lindsay Lohan was hooked on painkillers, or when he publicly declared that Barack Obama was a wanker for not liking his daughter very much. Or when he knocked a woman up with Lindsay Lohan’s half-sister when his wife wasn’t looking.

Or that time he wrote a blog pleading with members of the public to try and split Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson up. Which just happens to be now. Here’s just some of what Michael Lohan wrote:

I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life. Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn’t used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha. Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren’t just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

This isn’t the first time that Michael Lohan has voiced his dissent about Sam Ronson, of course – he recently had to apologise for calling her ‘dark and hideous’ – but this is much clearly worse, because not only is he directly asking the public to end her relationship with Lindsay, but it’s also the first time that Michael Lohan has written a blog post about Sam Ronson in the style of a paranoid 9/11 conspiracy theorist.

But what Michael Lohan wants, Michael Lohan gets. We’re now determined to split Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson up, and we’re going to do it by dressing up as a lady and strutting seductively up and down in front of Sam to make Lindsay jealous. It worked for Bugs Bunny so, damnit, it’s going to work for us.

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Sam Ronson isn’t just the sourfaced, hat-wearing lesbian who’s subjected to the sight of Lindsay Lohan’s pubes more than anyone else, you know.

No, Sam Ronson is also the sister of producer Mark Ronson. They both share quite a dominant ‘terrible haircut’ gene. And they’re both DJs too, which leads us to believe that their family is so rich that neither of them to ever have to worry about getting a proper job.

But, anyway, Mark Ronson is apparently trying to end Sam Ronson’s relationship with Lindsay Lohan because he wants to be the famous one again he really cares for her and whatever.

Mark Ronson and Sam Ronson – aside from the crap hair and silly job thing – really do share a lot in common, you know. They both have stepfathers from the band that inadvertently performed the soundtrack to the Gene Simmons sex tape. They’re both related to Malcolm Rifkind. And they both, for whatever reason, enjoy hanging out with wildly problematic women.

Mark Ronson, of course, is Amy Winehouse‘s producer – a job that seems to consist of three parts developing an authentic soul sound, two parts shaping melody and lyrics, and 500 parts screaming at Amy Winehouse not to eat all the drugs in the world and then slash about herself with the nearest sharpest object.

And, presumably because she’s playing the wrongest game of catch-up known to man, Sam Ronson responded to this by convincing Lindsay Lohan that she was a lesbian and embarking on a romantic voyage that seems to involve nothing but grimacing at a succession of vaguely pikey nightclubs together.

However, over the last couple of week it has seemed as if there might be trouble in paradise. On New Year’s Day, it was reported that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson had a screaming punch-up in a hotel that had to be broken up by security, prompting Lindsay Lohan to  jump on her blog and declare that they weren’t splitting up.

But that’s apparently not good enough for Mark Ronson who, in a bout of concern for his little sister, is reportedly trying to break Lindsay and Sam up for good. The News Of The World reports:

Well said DJ MARK RONSON, who has ordered his skinny little sis to end things with “actress” LINDSAY Yes-I-Really-Am-A-Lesbian (I-Think) LOHAN. “Mark doesn’t think Lindsay is right for his little sister,” said an insider. “He’s really protective and is pressing to end it for good.”

Of course, Mark has every reason to be worried – not so long ago Sam was hospitalised with exhaustion, and that has to be related to Lindsay Lohan somehow because the only way her job could be any less exhausting is if she had an armchair surgically grafted on to her bottom or something.

But we shouldn’t rush to conclusions here – the only way to tell if Mark Ronson is a serious threat to Sam and Lindsay’s relationship is to sit it out for a couple of days and see if Lindsay Lohan blogs about it. Because, as we all know, Lindsay Lohan only blogs about the most important things in her life, like parental betrayal and politics and how Facebook are like being total douches and shit. Time will tell.

Read more:

Leave Her A-Lohan – News Of The World

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OK, we were wrong. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson haven’t split up – they’re just so miserable that they look like they should split up.

Outraged by all the Sam Ronson split talk, Lindsay Lohan has told the world via her MySpace blog that she and Sam absolutely haven’t split up – which we think is code for ‘let’s give it a fortnight, eh?’

Still, though, they’re still together and that’s good. Now if you feel something clawing wildly at your skin at night you’ll know it’s either a murderer or a feral raccoon, and not Lindsay Lohan trying to get her rocks off. Phew.

We’re sorry to have to tell you this, but the tears you shed yesterday upon hearing that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson had split up were all for nothing.

You see, that thing that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson apparently did on New Year’s Day – having an argument in a hotel that quickly escalated into a vicious WWE-style brawl that had to be broken up by security – was simply how lesbians express their love for one another. Or something. We don’t know. Look, the important thing is that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson haven’t split up, OK? Good.

How do we know that Lindsay and Sam are still together? Because Lindsay Lohan told us, that’s how. Well, not us specifically – in fact Lindsay Lohan chose to tell the legions of hooting all-caps remedial-level ninnies that make up the MySpace community via a post on her ever hilarious blog. Lindsay wrote:

little piece of TRUE information: we did NOT break up! access hollywood, extra, et, every tabloid, page six… AND every GOSSIP website. Get your stories straight please. It’s really annoying to have all of your friends emailing you saying, i saw i read etc… NOT TRUE xoxox Lindsay

That last bit, by the way, is pronounced ‘zokzoz’, and denotes a kind of high-level ranking in the church of Scientology. This is definitely true. Tom Cruise is three ranks up from Lindsay and signs off his paranoid MySpace blogs with ‘xarknoxxle Tom’. We may have made this entire paragraph up.

Anyway, the important thing is that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson haven’t split up. They’re still completely an item, and the New Year’s fight – if it happened at all – was just a one-off. After all, both Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have been under a lot of pressure lately – Lindsay Lohan is still looking to find a job that she won’t immediately be fired from and Sam Ronson has a specific type of exhaustion that arises when you don’t have a proper job and your girlfriend’s an idiot.

So the panic’s over. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson still love each other as much as ever, and they’re planning to spend 2009 doing what they do best – trudging around various cities together pulling glum faces that make them look like they’re both breathing in concentrated animal farts.

And if we have to write another story this week about how Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have really split up for good, we’re shooting someone.

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Probably our favourite thing about Lindsay Lohan is that even her soulmates find her utterly intolerable and borderline repellent.

Just ask Sam Ronson. Reports are emerging suggesting that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have split up after a series of arguments and frenzied punch-attacks on New Year’s Day.

Whether Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson really have split up remains to be seen, but we hope so. That’d mean that Lindsay Lohan has now exhausted her supply of both men and women, and we’d be keen to see who she tries to have sex with next. Our guess? A bookish owl.

Well, Lindsay Lohan’s year of sex didn’t turn out to be much cop, did it? Looking back, Lindsay Lohan’s year of glumly traipsing around with a lesbian who looks like a ska-themed knitting needle seems more appropriate. Or Lindsay Lohan’s year of humiliating unemployment. Either one’s fine.

But at least Lindsay looks ready to make amends. Which is why, in the early hours of 2009, Lindsay Lohan appeared to open the book of Lindsay Lohan’s year of drastically violent heartbroken punching. It might not scan particularly well but, if the reports of Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson having a relationship-ending fistfight in a hotel on New Year’s Day are true, at least it’s accurate. Yahoo reports:

An onlooker said: “The screams and crashing from their room were heard all over the hotel. They spilled out into the hallway at 11am on New Years day, kicking and punching each other. People were watching. They were going for it – it was scary. Lindsay seemed unstable. At one point she dropped to her knees and cried, ‘Why are you doing this to me?’ Sam just said, ‘I don’t know you.’”

Now, although there might be witnesses to this fight, we should probably take the split thing with a pinch of salt. After all, Sam Ronson has spent months in the company of Lindsay Lohan, so angrily punching her in the face now and then is probably just a perfectly natural by-product of that.

What interests us far more is what happens next. The sharper-minded readers among you will remember a startlingly similar story from a couple of years ago, when Lindsay Lohan and Calum Best had an identical fight in the lobby of a hotel. If the pattern continues to hold, we can confidently predict that one of two things will happen in the next couple of weeks.

1) Heartbroken by her split, Sam Ronson decides to leak photos of what appear to be Lindsay Lohan slathering her dirty mouth all over her genitals across the internet.

2) Lindsay Lohan falls off the wagon in spectacular style, takes all the drugs in the world, gets arrested several times for her basic inability to drive a car, spends 18 months in 27 different rehab facilities then comes out and shacks up with a eunuch even though neither of them look like they even slightly enjoy it.

Either way, it looks like we’ll be getting the fun Lindsay Lohan back. Hooray for romantic failure!

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If you’ve ever travelled to America, you’ll notice a substantial amount of differences between itself and the UK.

For example, America has countless fast food joints on every corner whilst in the UK we have endless tea rooms where hungry folk can feast upon scones, chocolate eclairs and the finest English cup of imported Indian tea. There’s also the weather, healthcare issues and America’s persistence of being the only nation in the world to really care about basketball, baseball and ice hockey.

There’s also the grand scale of parties the two nations throw. On the west coast of America, countless film premieres are thrown to celebrate the launch of box office hits. On the east coast, playerz like Jay-Z and P Diddy launch countless products including aftershave, clothing and toilet neutraliser. In the UK, the best we can muster is a rented room in the local church. Part time lesbian Lindsay Lohan got to experience this first hand when she arrived at Faces nightclub in Essex.

Going out in Essex is an experience like no other. Why Lindsay Lohan and supposed ladylove Samantha Ronson were in this part of the world is still unclear. Even if they had rolled out of their hotel room with no sleep after flying over from America, the two would still have looked better the majority of the Essex massive out there.

It’s a genuine fact that there are no white women in Essex. Instead, what you are presented with are zombie-like creatures with horrendous orange skin. Just look at Jodie Marsh and Jordan to see what we mean. Armed with ten-inch-high stilettos and size six clothing to fit on to their size twelve body, they don’t quite put the sex in Essex.

So the owners of Essex’s own Faces nightclub must have thought they’d be on to a winner by hiring famous DJ type person Sam Ronson to play some CDs for a couple of hours. Obviously, the management thought Samantha Ronson was going to turn in to a modern day Pied Piper and use her best scratching skills to get more famous people on to the sticky dance floor. A source revealed:

“The club had hoped the girls would pull in a few big showbiz names – Kimberly Stewart and Jude Law have been there before.”

Surely they’d be queues round the corner as legions of girls ripped each other’s fake extensions out in order to get in the club and dance awkwardly to cheesy R&B music and say hello to Kimberly and Jude. Sadly not, instead of seeing someone who’s famous because of her father and a failing actor, they instead got bottom of the barrel showbiz types.

Definitely not riding off success from many moons ago, clubbers were instead treated to Brian Belo, Charley Uchea, Nikki Grahame and Danielle Lloyd. Yup, Big Brother rejects, a woman who stirred up an international racism crisis and a winner were all present to try and claw some sort of dignity together.

Unsurprisingly this wasn’t the sort of crowd that Lohan and Ronson imagined. If it wasn’t a pain in the arse already with Big Brother types hassling you, then it would have been the pissed people in the club. Cries of “oh my God its Mark Ronson’s sister” and “will you sign my boob” would have made it difficult for any of them to knock back a pint of bitter due to the distraction.

Hmm, hanging out with some reality show rejects or shouting abuse at strangers with the local homeless people. We’ll go for the homeless – they’d probably be better at stringing a sentence together.

So Lindsay Lohan’s career is deeper in the pooper than ever, but it doesn’t matter – after all, family is what’s most important.

And that’s why Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael has chosen now to do the most charming, heartwarming thing he’s probably ever done – he’s finally decided to take back his comments about Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend Sam Ronson being “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity.”

What an incredible show of compassion! From now on, Michael Lohan will no longer use the words ‘dark’, ‘hideous’, or ‘disgusting’ in association with Sam Ronson for fear of offending Lindsay Lohan. Fortunately, that does still leave him with the adjectives ‘abominable’, ‘appalling’, ‘detestable’, ‘loathsome’, ‘repugnant’, ‘revolting’, ‘sickening’ and ‘unsightly’, so look out for any or all of those bad boys in the next few weeks.

Pick an aspect of Lindsay Lohan’s life, any aspect. Chances are it’s in trouble. Professionally? Lindsay Lohan might never work again after screwing up her Ugly Betty guest spot. Personally? Take your pick – not only is Lindsay Lohan being sued by some people she supposedly drove around drunk, but she’s also spent the last few days implying that she’s only going out with Sam Ronson because she looks a bit like a man.

Worst of all, though, is probably Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with her father, Michael. They’ve never had the best of relationships – for every cabin retreat trip they’ve had together, there’s a pop song about what a shit he was for beating up a man with a shoe – but lately things have deteriorated even more, and it’s all thanks to Sam Ronson.

We don’t know why – maybe it’s because he doesn’t like Sam Ronson as a person or because he just thinks that lesbianism is wrong and that Lindsay Lohan should spend her days chewing on the end of Calum Best‘s todger like nature intended – but Michael Lohan has really taken against Sam Ronson.

In September he decided to publicly call Ronson “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity” - an outburst that prompted an amusingly huffy blog post from Lindsay in response.

But now we’re sorry to say that Michael Lohan, appallingly, has appeared to have learnt from his mistakes, as Newsday reports:

“I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha,” Lohan told New York magazine at a book party Oct. 21, usmagazine.com reports. “I’m a Christian,” he added. “I should not pass judgment on anyone.”

Take note, people – this is the first recorded instance in history of a Lohan displaying self-awareness. We think this means they’re about to rise up and start a war against the humans, but that probably remains to be seen.

Still, it goes to show that, for all his massive long list of gigantic character faults, Michael Lohan still loves his daughter very much. That’s why he’s downgraded his opinion of Sam Ronson, and will now only refer to her in print as “grubby, funny-looking and a slightly less than average representation of humanity.” Oh, we’re welling up.