Oh, Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes, why now? Why did you decide to bring an end to your seven-year marriage now?
Why not three years ago? If Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes has split up three years ago, they would have never made Revolutionary Road together. And we would have never had to spend two hours of our lives watching a slightly repugnant melodrama about the world’s most grisly abortion. Damn you both for not realising that you hated each other sooner, Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes!
But anyway, Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes have separated. And that means that Sam Mendes will never again get to see Kate Winslet naked. Unless, you know, he owns any of her films on DVD.
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We all have to become grown-ups at some point; whether it’s the first time you become suspicious or the first time you complain about food in a restaurant, it happens to us all. Away We Go is a love story about grown-ups.
It’s not boy meets girl, then queasy romantic glances with some popular indie track in the background, then third act melodrama, followed by the inevitable happily ever after. Maturity is something the romantic comedy genre is in short supply of, but this has it in spades.
Normal couple (if by normal we mean quirky, fuzzy-faced oddballs) go on a road trip to decide where the best place is for them to raise their unborn child. Along the way they discover what kind of parents they want to be – mainly not dickheads. Read More >>>
Now that Daniel Craig has been James Bond for a while, we all know what we can expect from his films.
Punching. And grunting. And silly blue knickers. And no invisible cars. And up to two scenes where James Bond looks a bit sad and a foreign woman babbles on incoherently about how his mind is like a prison, to show that he’s all sensitive and modern and whatever. And no fun. That last one’s very important. There must be no fun whatsoever.
So good news, fun-haters! The director of Bond 23 has been announced as Sam Mendes who, so far in his career, has made a film about the horrors of war, a film about the horrors of organised crime, a film about the horrors of gory abortions and a film about a plastic bag sort of flapping around in the air for a while. Hooray! This new James Bond film is going to be no fun at all!
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Think of the most boring script you could ever come up with…
No? Can’t do it? Sam Mendes can. In fact, he’s made a film that just about takes the cake when it comes to mind-numbing tedium and films that make you want to die. Away We Go is about a couple of losers expecting a child. They need to start a new life, so off they go to brighter places to see relatives you’d generally want to shoot. It’s a sentimental story that might appeal to unmarried couples who think their lives are over and there’s even a few laughs if you like neurotic, American humour.
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What a blunder, Kate. You opened your mouth and now the whole world has idiot flu.
We at Hecklerspray, however, can feed our families because you discreetly told a girlie mag that you’re working class. Somehow we can’t see you binge-drinking down the local with a pack of slags or putting mayo on our chips.
You could a buy a couple of chippies for £12 million though, maybe open your own colliery and get Sam Mendes to film your family while they break their backs for minimum wage. Next time you want make a statement, don’t tell Marie Claire – use propaganda. That’s what clever people do.
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Oh, Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes, why now? Why did you decide to bring an end to your seven-year marriage now?
