It is a truth passed down from generation to generation amongst Hollywood’s glittering elite. There’s no reason to make something if you can remake something. Hollywood film executives are willing to remake or reboot any film or franchise in the pursuit of artistic fulfilment*.

From tat like The Day The Earth Stood Still to horror classics like Dracula, it’s nigh-on impossible to escape the pervasive influence of the Hollywood remake in modern cinema. Hollywood is even willing to remake remakes and reboot reboots. One need only look at the treatment of The Incredible Hulk & Spiderman to see that Hollywood’s pursuit of film-making perfection** is a rolling juggernaut of epic proportions.

These big-money remakes of classics usually focus on films and characters that are omnipresent in the minds of the public, encouraging a sense of anticipation as idiots clamber over one-another to see the first teaser trailer on Youtube, while cynics raise their flared nostrils skywards and sniff loudly that it’s never going to be as good as the original.

Even the ‘modern classics’ aren’t safe. Those films that people loved as children for being cheese-filled romps full of dance sequences and genuinely awful dialogue are being recreated for the Glee generation. Just look at Footloose, a film so terrible the first time around that both Kenny Loggins & Kevin Bacon still have night terrors where they’re being chased around a small town by the blood-vomiting, putrefying corpse of John Lithgow. Now it is the turn of 1991 Surf ‘Em Up, Point Break to fall into the crosshairs of the Hollywood snipers.

Say what you want about the original Point Break; it’s not terribly good but it’s not terribly terrible. It is, without a doubt, one of those films that people remember fondly until they sit down to watch it one night and realise that they’d rather be face down in a shell-hole being stabbed in the back by a rusty bayonet than watching Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze play some hard-surfing, hard-loving, hard-men with Gary Busey thrown in to really ramp up the crazy factor.

Therefore, it’s the perfect film for Hollywood’s razor-taloned vultures to get involved with.

The remake has been picked up by Warner Bros & Alcon Entertainment who seem keen to get the film cranked out as quickly as possible, presumably in order to give it that rough, unprepared, ill-conceived notion that runs through most modern cinema. Yes, it really is a golden*** generation.

The film doesn’t have a director yet but movie-goers should have no fear. It already has a screenplay by Kurt Wimmer. Kurt Wimmer is the man behind 2010′s Angelina Jolie vehicle Salt. A statement released by Alcon Entertainment said, amongst other things:

“Kurt’s take infuses the story and characters with new twists and settings. We’re very excited to be in business with Kurt, and Michael DeLuca, Chris Taylor, and John Baldecchi.”

This is Kurt Wimmer the man who- in case you missed it- wrote Salt, one of the least original films ever made by human hands. Luckily for Wimmer it would have been the least original film ever made but Tom Cruise had to drop out of the part and it was hastily re-written for Angelina Jolie.

Anyone unfamiliar with Wimmer’s work should watch any Steven Seagal film, replace the strong male protagonist with a strong female protagonist and imagine a twist that’s as insultingly blatant as asking a young police constable to hold your passport while you beat his grandmother about the head using his own truncheon.

We can only assume that these are the twists to which the Alcon Statement refers. We can only hope that the new Point Break will follow Salt’s lead and include an obvious set-up for a sequel which it will never get.

*Cash

**Money

***Bullion

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Salt – it’s the stuff of legends. It’s that thing you put on chips. That substance your doctor tells you not to have too much of. You can even occasionally find it in quaint blue sachet, nestled between your crisps. Angelina Jolie has a lot to live up to.

Jumping into her latest action-heroine role, Jolie proves that she still remains queen in that regard. A sultry look, a tight-fitting outfit and a slap round the chops have all become second nature to ol’ Angie. However, what also remains a frustrating constant is her choice of projects.

She’s yet to find real ground in the action genre. Each role she picks just falling short of excelling, neither becoming iconic or even particularly memorable. Salt is no different. The Salt of the title is Vivian, a CIA agent who is ousted as a Russian spy, setting the film on a cat-and-mouse chase that’s nothing if not intriguing.

Clearly knowing her colleagues probing practices, she decides it’s best to make a run for it, proving her innocence on the go and presumably looking for the one-armed man while she’s at it. There’s plenty of espionage on show, with Salt altering her appearance as often as Simon Cowell whitens his teeth.

This is a game of intrigue; forcing attention as the plot twists and turns and demanding concentration more than its excitable gaggle of horny youngsters are destined to give it. It fills the blanks between the action with either implausible revelations, or uncomfortable flashbacks between Salt and her German husband.

However, this is an action film first and foremost, and in that regard it delivers. While director Phillip Noyce has managed to ground his thrillers firmly in realism, he throws logic out of the window with Salt, crafting some genuinely thrilling sequences of violence, explosions and things all-round bang. Jolie’s nimble frame manages to kick various arses that are several sizes bigger than her but there’s still no denying the wonder of watching Angelina’s command over set-pieces.

So mesmerising are Salt’s actions that it leaves the supporting cast with little to do but gawp at her expertise. Enemies of spell-check, Liev Schreiber and Chiwetel Ejiofor, both quality character actors in their own right, are left with little to do but partake in the odd verbal exchange. It’s a shame to have such a talented cast be used for little more than paperweights. But this is the Angelina show and she delivers, even if it just falls short of Bourne and Bond.

Salt is an enjoyable lark, even beyond the ludicrously of the whole film, it remains a cut-above Hollywood’s action output, injecting some emotion and intelligence into what could have easily been a bland thriller. Also, the Blu-ray features a couple of extra versions of the film, with the extended cut boasting an interesting alternate ending, which rounds off a nice package of extras.

While Salt still isn’t the iconic role that Jolie has been searching for it still proves that Angelina is the queen of the genre. And when it comes to salt, who wouldn’t mind sprinkling a bit of her on yer fish ‘n’ chips, eh? Eh? Grrrr, lad’s noises, etc.

‘spray Rating: 3.5/5

And as an added bonus, have a lovely Salt-related video to watch. Salt is available on Blu-ray and DVD now.

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It’s easy for Angelina Jolie to make news. Steal someone’s husband, give a foreign kid a stupid name.

That sort of thing. But last night, at the London premiere of Salt, Angelina Jolie managed to make headlines simply by putting on some clothes and turning up. To be fair that’s not all she did – Angelina Jolie also managed to go an entire evening without letting on that Salt looks like a massive sack of donkey bollocks. So that’s something.

Notice that Brad Pitt didn’t accompany Angelina Jolie last night. This might be because he was making a film, or because he didn’t want to steal the limelight. But we’re a gossip blog, so we feel duty-bound to start a made-up rumour that their relationship is in trouble and, we dunno, he’s left her for Jennifer Aniston. Or something. We’re not very good at this.

Angelina Jolie’s promotional duties for Salt have been surprisingly light so far. Sure, we’ve had a few stories about how her daughter thinks she’s a boy and how she may have tattooed her thigh at some point, but that’s all minor stuff. Maybe Salt would have fared better in America if she’d gone the extra mile. You know, like adopting a child from Indonesia and giving it a new name that consists entirely of consonants and emoticons. Or starting another breathtakingly pointless war of words with Jennifer Aniston. Stuff that she’s good at. But, sadly, none of that has happened yet.

Maybe Angelina’s waiting for the DVD release. Instead, we have to make do with scenes like last night, where Angelina Jolie turned up to her own premiere in some clothes and sort of hung around for a while, and people generally treated it like the actual second coming of Christ. ITN reports:

Hundreds of fans camped and queued for hours to catch a glimpse of the stunning actress, who attended the Leicester Square event without partner Brad Pitt. The star, who was wearing a long silvery dress, said she appreciated the support. “I always enjoy London. It’s amazing. It means so much when everybody comes out,” said Angelina, 35.

And that was that. Well done to Angelina Jolie for proving her doubters wrong. Those people who said she couldn’t get dressed and then go and see her own film and then sort of stand around while people take photos of her must have serious egg on their faces now. You show ‘em, Angelina. You show ‘em by continuing to get dressed and then go and see your own film and then sort of stand around while people take photos of you.

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She’s a little bit ‘quirky’ that Angeline Jolie isn’t she? A bit ‘eccentric’? ‘Off-the-wall’?

Actually, no. She is ABSOLUTELY BLOODY CRACKERS.

During filming of the latest film-you-won’t-watch Salt, Jolie went home still wearing the latex man-suit her character has to don as a disguise to play a prank on her seven-year-old child! The NUTTER!

According to Teen America she said:

“I loved doing it, it was the weirdest feeling. I came in and said, ‘Somebody go get Mad, and tell him that there’s a man downstairs.’ And he came in and just like any seven year old, he was so almost bored, having to come meet this man, and he said, ‘Hi.’ I just put my hand out, and he said, ‘Hi’, trying to be really polite but really not interested. Then I said, in my own voice, ‘Hi honey.’ And he said, ‘Mom?’ And then I said, ‘I get so crazed,’ and he sat and watched me peel the whole thing off and laughed about it, but was definitely like, ‘Don’t do that again.’”

Yeah. “Don’t do that again”.

The loon also told PEOPLE TV that she can’t cope with the thought of her children growing up – “I’m not ready for them driving, dating. I’m not ready for any of it.”

Now, we’re not suggesting that she’ll cope with the anguish of her daughters dating by turning up to the date herself dressed in a latex man-suit and then peeling-off the mask Mission Impossible-style at the most vagina-drying moment possible saying “Hi Honey” just to make sure they’re so traumatised that they’ll never approach another man again on the off-chance he might actually be their crackpot mother.

We’re not suggesting that at all.

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Hey, you know that new film Salt, where Angelina Jolie runs around shooting people and it all looks a bit crap and nobody can really the see the point of watching it?

You do? Great. Then this game based on Salt needs little explanation. You’re Angelina Jolie and you have to run around inside an office shooting people. It’s as simple as that. PLUS, just to give you an impression of the pointlessness and crapitude of the film, the game happens to be in German, so you won’t have an actual clue about anything that’s going on. Brilliant!

Play Salt now

This week, the weekend box office was all about Inception vs Salt. The reigning champion vs the plucky underdog.

Leonardo DiCaprio vs Angelina Jolie. A film about the impossibly labyrinthine tangle that is the human subconscious vs a film about, dunno, some salt or something. A film filled with groundbreaking special effects and breathtaking narrative devices vs the same stupid generic guns-out film that Angelina Jolie always makes right after she’s made a sad film about a woman crying over her lost baby or whatever. Who would win?

Well, Inception, obviously. Don’t you people read headlines any more? Honestly, sometimes we think we’re just pissing up a wall here, we really do. Full US weekend box office top five after the jump…

1 - Inception (It’s official: Inception is easily the best film ever about that boy from Third Rock From The Sun tying up a bunch of floating people in a lift while a van falls off a bridge really slowly and Edith Piaf runs around trying to stab everyone) $43,505,000

2 - Salt (Seriously, though, why Salt? Why not Spygirl or Mystery Avenger or Generic Angelina Jolie Gun Vehicle Number 12? Imagine if James Bond films were named after table condiments. Dr No would probably be called Mr Piccalilli. It’s stupid, that’s what it is) $36,500,000

3 - Despicable Me (Fingers crossed that people stop watching Despicable Me now, because we’ve completely run out of things to say about it. No joke here. We actually have) $24,000,000

4 - The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (We’ll assume that there’s been some logistical problem here, and that The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is actually number one here. This is because it’s a Nicolas Cage film and we couldn’t bear the thought of a Nicolas Cage film being a failure. So The Sorcerer’s Apprentice has done better than Inception. That makes sense) $9,685,000

5 - Toy Story 3 (We can’t wait for Toy Story 4, where the toys are forced to survive the aftermath of a harrowing nuclear strike, and become hopelessly deformed, and have deformed babies, and have to chew through their own distorted umbilical cords when they have them) $9,030,000

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Digestives and Rich Teas.

Folded:

• Modern Warfare 2: Price War (the supermarket battle royale)
• Salt (reads kinda cack; looks kinda Bourne)
• Planes, Trains and Automobiles (revisit this classic, particularly the sweary rental car bit, and understand why Steve Martin is going to make a hilarious host at next year’s Oscar’s)
• Dark nights (cosy…or cold, lonely and miserable. We’re going with cosy)
• The Greggs (time to reconsider that application form maybe?)

Creased:

• Queuing at midnight to buy Modern Warfare 2 (never has Shaun of the Dead been so vividly recreated in reality. Best to head home, we-thinks)
• “Too much of anything can you make you sick” (thank you, Cheryl, you finally get it)
• Spiced apple everything (candles, biscuits, shower gel, beer – you can tell it’s six weeks to Christmas)
• Dark mornings (when you need a light to find the bedroom door you know you should still be in bed)
• Ragging on Gordon Brown (okay so the guy made a mistake – several – but The Sun and co are being harsher than a bristle brush swab)

Sit down for this one, it’s huge – Angelina Jolie’s haircut looks marginally different to how it usually looks.

Sorry if that just blew your mind. But we can’t keep news this gigantic away from you – Angelina Jolie has changed her haircut. True, Angelina only changed it for a film – and she’s only put a couple of wigs on rather than properly changing her actual hair – but still, eh? Blimey.

It’s hard to see how Jennifer Aniston will top this – maybe in her next film she’ll wear some glasses or a nice hat or something. Goodness, this rivalry is brutal.

Angelina Jolie’s career path is an easy one to predict. Every summer she’ll release a barely-watched action movie about a tattooed woman who likes to shoot things in slow motion, and every winter she’ll release a harrowing real-life story about a woman who cries a lot because she thinks this will win her an Oscar even though it never does.

And since Angelina Jolie’s last movie was Changeling – for which she didn’t win any Oscars – that can only mean that her next film will be a hokey, slightly low-rent action film. And guess what? It is.

Angelina Jolie’s next film will be Salt, a film that’s either about a hotshot superspy or some salt. We haven’t got round to looking it up yet. And, just because it’s not one of Angelina Jolie’s highbrow Oscarbait movies, it doesn’t mean that she’s not completely dedicated to the production.

For A Mighty Heart, for instance, Angelina Jolie became friends with the woman she was portraying onscreen, learnt how to perfectly mimic her accent, explored the extremes of human emotion to give the agonising story a sense of verisimilitude and risked controversy by blacking up for it.

Meanwhile, for Salt, Angelina Jolie has decided to put a couple of wigs on. The Envelope reports:

Angelina Jolie will play a spy who wears a lot of different disguises — including blond and brunet banged wigs — in the new spy thriller from director Phillip Noyce called “Salt.” “She’s a character you never know,” says producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura “People who think they know the real her may or may not. Those who think they can tell whether she’s in a disguise also may or may not.”

You hear that, Brad Pitt? The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button may have broken the mould in terms of three-dimensional facial manipulation technology, but Angelina Jolie is willing to put a couple of wigs on when she makes a film. She’s the powerhouse in this relationship, and you’d do well to remember that.

Incidentally, you may remember Salt as the movie that had to be completely rewritten when Tom Cruise dropped out and Angelina Jolie took his place. That means that this was almost a story about Tom Cruise having a slightly different haircut than normal. Thank God it wasn’t. We honestly don’t think we’d have been able to take the excitement.

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