And the other is by being a billionaire. Chances are you’re neither, so you’ll have to make do without. But French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault won’t, because he apparently got married to Salma Hayek on Valentine’s Day in Paris.

Why did Salma Hayek marry Francois-Henri Pinault? Was it to see if even Salma Hayek’s husband will get bored of looking at the same pair of breasts day after day, or was it because HE’S A BLOODY BILLIONAIRE? Oh, let’s just say both.

Valentine’s Day, huh? Some spend it weeping alone, others spend it resenting the fact that if they don’t go out and buy a present to mark it they’ll be spending the next fortnight in the doghouse, and others like to spend it brawling in the street like a couple of actual prostitutes.

But not Salma Hayek. She’s got more class than that. Salma Hayek is an old-school movie star, and she’s always sure to present herself as such. Unless there’s a little African baby around, obviously, because then she’ll just plug her tit into its gob faster than you can say Jack Robinson and keep it there until it’s all swollen up like a massive tick bite.

Anyway, as an old-school movie star, Salma Hayek realised that she had to make Valentine’s Day as romantic as possible this year. So she did, by getting married. In Paris. To a billionaire. AP reports:

Salma Hayek has picked a romance-lover’s ideal time and place for her wedding: Valentine’s Day in Paris. An official at the City Hall in Paris’ 6th arrondissement says the Mexican-born actress wed French magnate Francois-Henri Pinault in a civil ceremony there Saturday. The official was speaking on condition of anonymity, in accordance with policy.

How utterly romantic. Details of the Salma Hayek/ Francois-Henri Pinault wedding are thin on the ground, but from what we understand it was a very traditional service. Salma Hayek wore white just in case she saw any African babies laying around and started lactating uncontrollably, the couple sliced the cake by fashioning one of Salma Hayek’s breast into a rudimentary water jet cutter, and instead of confetti everyone just squirted Salma and Francois-Henri with litre upon litre of tit-juice.

Honestly, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Although that admittedly has got more to do with all the rampant lactation than any expressions of genuine emotion. Just so you all know.

And where Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault go from here is anybody’s guess. A honeymoon will presumably follow, although nobody knows where it’ll take place. Given that Pinault is a billionaire, we’d imagine that it’d be in his hollowed-out volcano that occasionally doubles as his secret laboratory of evil from which he plans to destroy the world. But that’s just a guess.

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Seriously, we’re burning up with envy. Salma Hayek – the adequate yet massively-norked actress, has breastfed an African baby in Sierra Leone while on a charity mission.

It’s neither offensive or an exaggeration to say that, because of this news, we’re honestly planning to black up, stop eating for a month, develop an intestinal parasite, sellotape some flies to our eyes, fly to Africa and sit around in rags crying on the off-chance that Salma Hayek would return and shove a tit into our mouth.

It’s David Banda who we feel most sorry for, you know. There he was, thinking that he was the luckiest little African in the world after Madonna came along and adopted him, transporting him from a life of poverty and near-certain death in Malawi to a life where his every desire can be fulfilled, and then Salma Hayek goes and slaps a tit into another African baby’s mouth.

How do you think that makes David Banda feel? That other baby got to drink milk directly from Salma Hayek – one of the most beautiful women on the planet – which completely outstrips every material possession that David could possibly wish to own. And it’s not even as if Madonna can make it better by breastfeeding David Banda herself, either – we heard that, even if she’s fully ripe for lactation, Madonna’s breast milk tastes like a mixture of off yogurt and animal semen.

But, anyway, yes. It’s emerged that Salma Hayek has been helping the children of Sierra Leone the only way she knows how – by utilising her gigantic chest. The Daily Mail reports:

The 42-year-old, who has a one-year-old daughter Valentina, was touring a hospital when she came across a mother who was unable to feed her baby boy. Hayek said: ‘The baby was perfectly healthy, but the mother did not have any milk. He was very hungry – I was weaning my daughter Valentina, but I still had a lot of milk, so I breast-fed the baby.’

You want to see it, don’t you? You want to see Salma Hayek anointing the luckiest little boy in all of Africa. Oh, very well then…

While Salma Hayek’s generosity will profoundly affect the baby’s life – we heard that just one drop of her breast milk can give a child superhuman strength and the ability to heal wounds by touch alone – it would be irresponsible of us not to also reflect on the negative implications of Salma’s act.

For instance, why did Salma Hayek only feed one baby? She’s obviously got enough milk in her to feed an entire village for upwards of six or seven years. And did she ever pause to think that the baby’s going to become a terrible milk snob now? After all, he’s tasted Hayek-brand milk now, so if anyone else tries the trick on him he’ll end up slapping their tit away in disgust.

Plus, it was awfully shortsighted of her to breastfeed that little African boy. At some point, let’s say in about 14 years’ time, that boy is going to realise that he’ll never be able to masturbate properly to that clip of Salma having it off with a bloke from Ask The Dust. In essense, she’s ruined his entire teenage years. The bitch.

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OK, so put like that, it sounds a bit odd. But there’s little doubt that vampires can be very sexy.

Admittedly, Dracula never did anything for us. But whether it’s Kate Beckinsale in a tight leather bodysuit or Salma Hayek dancing with a snake, these damsels of the dark are worth getting into a flap about…

13. Sadie Frost as Lucy
Film: Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Yeah, we can’t stand her either, but obviously there is something about bloodsucking which really agrees with her.

12. Anne Parillaud as Marie
Film: Innocent Blood

French beauty Parillaud is so good you almost forget how bad the film is. Don’t believe us? It’s basically The Lost Boys meets The Sopranos. Now are you convinced?

11. Angie Everhart as Lilith
Film: Bordello of Blood

Angie gives a stand out performance as a vampire hooker.

10. Soledad Miranda as Countess Nadine Carody
Film: Vampyros Lesbos

Vampires. Lesbians. Need we say anymore?

9. Catherine Deneuve as Miriam Blaylock
Film: The Hunger

Catherine Deneuve indulges in a bit of lesbian vampire action, unfortunately with old vinegar tits Susan Sarandon.

8. Aaliyah as Queen Akasha
Film: Queen of the Damned

OK, the film sucked shit through a straw, but Aaliyah looks amazing in her final appearance before her untimely death.

7. Jeri Ryan as Valerie Sharpe
Film: Dracula 2000

She’s more famous being in Star Trek, but she looks pretty good as a vampire too. Excuse the foreign language clip, but you get the point.

6. Leonor Varela as Nyssa
Film: Blade II

Forget the fact she can’t act for toffee and shares her name with a fabric conditioner, Varela makes a fang-statistic vampire in Blade II.

5. Monica Bellucci as one of Dracula’s brides
Film: Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Look, it could have been any of the three, but we would settle for Monica Bellucci. Excuse the long intro to this clip, but it’s worth it.

4. Olga Kurylenko as The Vampire
Film: Paris, je t’aime

The new Bond girl makes quite an impression as a blood-sucking vamp in this 2006 French film. Above is the trailer, blink and you’ll miss her.

3. Ingrid Pitt as Elisabeth Nodosheen
Film: Countess Dracula

Hammer horror’s finest. No vampire list would be the same without her.

2. Kate Beckinsale as Selene
Film: Underworld

We’re not huge fans of Kate Beckinsale or Underworld, but there is something about her role as Selene which stands out.

1. Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium
Film: From Dusk Till Dawn

One of those movie moments that stick in your head.

Honorable mentions:
Sharon Tate as Sarah in the Fearless Vampire Killers
Jami Gertz as Star in The Lost Boys
Traci Lords as Racquel in Blade
Jenny Wright from Near Dark
Amanda Donahoe as Lady Sylvia-Marsh in The Lair of the White Worm