With the weekend’s news largely comprising of the grim shootings in America and people wondering what happened to the Magic Of The FA Cup, we can, of course, rely on celebrities to do something non-threatening and stupid.

Enter Gabriela Irimia. Yeah, that household name that’ll no doubt be seeing you all searching Google and saying “Who the hell is that?”.

Well, Gabriela Irimia had her fifteen minutes of fame many years ago and now frequently regurgitates it, pecking at the small fame chunks she vomits up so she can cling on to some vague fame alongside her equally twin sister Monica. Basically, she’s one of The Cheeky Girls. That’s right. The gruesome twosome that everyone wishes would slink off into a darkened corner never to return.

Back on Pop Idol or possibly X-Factor – we can’t remember – this horrific sisterly duo popped on to our screens with a gimmick more annoying than the broken brainset of Jedward. They basically had a song about their arse which ushered in a  new low in British pop music.

With ropey dance moves, they asked us to touch their arses and not being shy about doing so. Would we ever do such a thing with them? No. But if Rihanna asked us…

Like most people from reality shows, The Cheeky Girls went on to make appearances in awful nightclubs before touring the university circuit so maths boffins can throw cheap lager at them before returning to their dormitories before the clock strikes 10pm, leaving The Cheekies to weigh-up offers from Coach Trip and oblivion.

But who says that reality stars are stupid? Gabriela Irimia even bagged herself a slightly well-known boyfriend. Well, that’s if you call a poor excuse for an MP Lembit Opik who got as far as getting engaged to one of them.

However, it all went HORRIBLY WRONG this weekend.

“Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia has been cautioned by police for shoplifting at a supermarket in Cheshire. Officers were called to Sainsburys in Alderley Road, Wilmslow, on Friday, where she was detained on suspicion of stealing groceries. The 26-year-old, from Essex, was given a caution for theft.”

A police spokesperson who wanted to get on the news said:

“At just before 2pm on Friday, January 7, Cheshire Police were called to a supermarket on Alderley Road, Wilmslow after a 26-year-old woman from Essex was detained on suspicion of theft of grocery items.”

Basically that’s about it. Around about now, we’d make some sort of witty comment about how the two look like vampires and should be killed with some Sainsbury’s own brand garlic, but we just can’t be bothered…

It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. Or a normal-sized man inexplicably born with a floppy tongue the size of a cow's, at least.

By which we mean Jamie Oliver. As you all probably know, Jamie Oliver's latest campaign has been to make a sort of middle-class poultry snuff film called Jamie's Fowl Dinners all about the horrific mistreatment of battery chickens, and part of that campaign has involved Jamie lashing out at Sainsbury's.

And then, um, realising that Sainsbury's pays him £1.2 million a year to wank about flogging mince pies, causing him to backtrack spectacularly in case he upset his bosses.

Even though you've all probably been watching Big Brother Celebrity Hijack on E4 instead (what's that? You haven't?) you'll probably be aware that Channel 4 is in the middle of a Food Season. Well, it's not so much a Food Season as a Put You Off Eating Anything Ever Again Season.

Channel 4's Food Season is three-pronged. First there's Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall showing how inhumane the battery chicken process is by, er, raising hundreds of battery chickens. Then there's tonight's Jamie's Fowl Dinners, which again is about the cruelty exposed to battery chickens – except that people will listen more to Jamie Oliver because, unlike Hugh, he looks like he washes occasionally.

Then, less relevantly, Gordon Ramsay – a man who advocates eating everything from horses to newborn babies' eyeballs on his ridiculous F-Word TV show – is going to cook some food and not mention battery chickens at all.

But back to Jamie Oliver. We all know that Jamie loves a good campaigning session, whether it's a campaign to make children eat food they obviously aren't interested in or a campaign to, um, wander about your enormous garden cooking food that one of your employees has sowed, grown and harvested for you. So when Jamie Oliver attacked the battery hen issue for Jamie's Fowl Dinners, he did so with an alarming amount of gusto.

So much gusto, in fact, that he pissed off his paymasters. You see, ahead of Jamie's Fowl Dinners, Jamie Oliver wanted to have a public debate about chicken farming with retailers, including Sainsbury's – the supermarket that pays him £1.2 million a year to advertise it by mooning around like a kind of oversized gammon-obsessed Edwardian Little Lord Fauntleroy. But Sainsbury's didn't show up, leading Jamie Oliver to howl the following angry diatribe:

"It is shocking that the people that I work for did not turn up on the day. I do not know why. The fact that your PR department has not even got the confidence to turn up and talk about what you do … how dare they not?"

Oddly enough, Sainsbury's has realised that it pays Jamie Oliver to gurn around babbling about its sausages and not to severely hurt its share prices by openly criticising its animal welfare record and so, after an apparently tense phonecall between Jamie Oliver and Sainsbury's boss Justin King, Jamie Oliver has written to everyone who works for the supermarket to apologise for his big gob:

"I am happy to confirm what I have said on several occasions: that Sainsbury's has the most to be proud of on this important animal welfare issue. Indeed I would not have continued working with Sainsbury's for so many years if I did not believe that you were showing real leadership. Your team have been particularly helpful."

With Jamie Oliver's Sainsbury's contract still up for renewal, it seems that this Jamie's Fowl Dinners fuss might have cost him a lucrative gig. Of course, the extent of the damage will be seen once Jamie's Fowl Dinners is broadcast on Channel 4 tonight – it looks like essential viewing for everyone.

Except us. We'll be watching Big Brother Celebrity Hijack instead. That Victor, he's nuff grep innit.

Read more:

Jamie Oliver says sorry to Sainsbury's staff over chicken outburst – Guardian