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WWE’s X-Pac Won’t Be Watching Chyna’s New Skin Flick (Millions Of Lonely Teenagers Will)

May 27th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Back in 2004, there was a video released of two WWE wrestlers going at it hammer and tongues. Seriously. Sadly for you weirdos, it wasn’t a ‘feature’ that starred Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair in a bath giving each other toe-jobs, but rather, a proper grotgramme that saw X-Pac and Chyna grunting at each other.

So what did we learn from the experience? Well, we discovered that X-Pac likes to wear incredibly tight trousers away from the ring and that Chyna has an ugly piercing in a delicate part of her anatomy. The pair also rut like pigs in swill.

The whole thing left a bad taste in the mouth, right? Well, not for Chyna. That’s because she’s making another porn film which X-Pac is graciously refusing to watch, saying: “It’s too hard remembering how devastated she was the first time around.”

Britney Spears Doc: The Nanosecond You Didn’t Already Hear About

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The contents of the Britney Spears documentary, Britney: Buy My Record, were perhaps the worst-kept secret in history.

To be fair, everyone knew what to expect anyway – 90 minutes of Britney Spears going “Cuh! What happened THERE? Lorks a-lummy, I went proper bananas for a while, didn’t I? Oh well, I’m better now. Buy my record” – but that didn’t stop all the interesting parts of the documentary creeping out weeks ago.

But now that Britney: Have I Told You About My Record has been aired in America, we now know everything that happened in it from start to finish. So what did happen in Britney: You Know What’d Make A Lovely Christmas Present For All Your Loved Ones? My Record? Nothing. It turns out that people weren’t leaking the interesting parts of the documentary, just the bits where Britney Spears used actual identifiable words.

STOP PRESS: Madonna Expresses Recognisable Human Emotion

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

For a woman who got divorced a few days ago, Madonna has been doing a remarkable job of gritting her teeth and ploughing on.

That’s not particularly surprising – years ago Madonna had her brain removed to make space for more bicep and her tear ducts were cemented up because she didn’t weep holy Kabbalah water – so we’ve come to expect steely, robotic reactions to everything from her. However, Madonna has now finally decided to accept her divorce and mention it in public for the very first time.

Speaking to the Associated Press, Madonna has said how sad she is about the divorce, and how grateful she is that her heavy workload can distract her from it. Wow, sadness and gratitude? We’ve seen Swept Away and Body Of Evidence – that’s literally about six more human emotions than we thought Madonna was capable of.

Michelle Williams Still Quite Cut Up About Heath Ledger

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

People miss Heath Ledger for several reasons – because he won’t be in Batman again or, if you’re odd, because he’ll never make The Patriot 2.

But Michelle Williams has probably the most genuine reason for missing Heath Ledger – not only was she engaged to him, but she also gave birth to his daughter. And because of this, it’s apparent that Michelle Williams is still having trouble coming to terms with Heath Ledger’s death.

In a recent interview with Newsweek, Michelle Williams broke down upon hearing Heath Ledger’s name, telling her interviewer that her grief is only getting worse over time. Warning: the following probably isn’t going to have too many jokes in it…

Britney Spears Doc: Now With More Rhyming Self-Disparagement

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You probably haven’t heard about the new Britney Spears documentary yet, because it’s only been everywhere all the time forever.

In fact it’s fair to say that so much of the Britney Spears documentary has now been leaked that the only new footage that’ll come as a surprise to anyone watching the whole thing next week is a three-second snippet of Britney Spears gazing into the middle distance and wistfully humming the theme-tune to Animal Hospital.

For instance, People magazine has now seen an exclusive preview of Britney: For The Record, and the most exciting bit left to review seems to be when Britney Spears starts crying and says of her life “It’s bad. I’m sad.” Bad? Sad? That’s the most eloquent you can be, Britney? Disappointing. We just expected something more profound from the poet behind “Womanizer womanizer/ You’re a womanizer/ Oh/ Womanizer/ Oh.”

Kim Kardashian In Boo Hoo Hoo Dancing With The Stars Failure

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We’re red-blooded men, so if there’s one thing we like more than watching strangers have sex, it’s watching strangers have sex and then cry.

Therefore, we’ve decided to crown Kim Kardashian as our favourite girl in the whole wide world. Following that tape she made where she had loads of sex with that bloke, Kim Kardashian has apparently been sobbing her eyes out because she was voted off Dancing With The Stars this week.

True, that means there’s a full 18-month gap between Kim Kardashian having sex and Kim Kardashian crying, but we have to take what we can get. Anyway, the point is that Kim Kardashian was sad to be voted off Dancing With The Stars last night. But on the plus side, Kim can use this new free time to really try and work on closing that gap between the sex and the crying, maybe getting it down to a week or a good night’s sleep.

Heather Locklear’s Director Miffed About Her DUI Arrest

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

People, we think we’ve found the root of all Heather Locklear’s problems – she’s about to star in a film with Billy Ray Cyrus.

It all make so much sense now – if you’d just spent several months making a family drama that nobody’s going to watch, and had to do it in the presence of Billy Ray Cyrus, getting tanked up on prescription medicine and parking your car in the middle of a busy motorway would seem like a perfectly sensible thing to do, too.

And now Heather Locklear has been arrested for DUI after allegedly doing exactly that, the director of this new movie has spoken out. Jim Amatuilli thinks that Heather Locklear’s DUI arrest is ‘sad’, especially since it followed Heather’s ‘solid’ work on the movie. Solid? That’s the best adjective he could drum up in her greatest hour of need? No wonder Heather Locklear went mental. And that’s not any solid. That’s solid compared to Billy Ray Cyrus. Honestly, next time just go for the more sympathetic ‘Oh, just kill yourself already,’ Jim.

Bai Ling Only Went Robbing Because She Was Sad

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Valentine's Day does funny thing to people.

In a relationship? Valentine's Day will make you grumble about spending £1.70 on a card. Single? Valentine's Day will make you feel worthless and unloved. Bai Ling? Valentine's Day will make you steal magazines and batteries to the value of $16 from an airport store before you're caught and arrested.

Bai Ling – star of no good films ever – was arrested for shoplifting on Wednesday, and she blames it on splitting up with a boy right before Valentine's Day. Makes sense – sometimes the only things that can mend a broken heart are some celebrity magazines and batteries to the value of $16.

Ryan Phillippe Gets All ‘Poor Me’ About Reese Witherspoon Divorce

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Remember when Reese Witherspoon got divorced from Ryan Phillippe and everyone thought it was because he was boning that other girl?

Us too, but it turns out that everyone was wrong about it – because Ryan Phillippe has just been interviewed in W Magazine and he revealed that he was so cut up about divorcing his vastly more successful wife that he literally didn't get out of bed for five months.

Also, according to Ryan Phillippe, "an outside person can never cause a divorce." So, lads, remember to keep that argument in mind for when your wife catches you boning other women. We hear that one's watertight from a legal perspective.

Michael Parkinson Gets A Bit Sad On His Last Show

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

For 36 years, Michael Parkinson has been a near-permanent fixture, either on TV gurgling sycophantically at famous people or in magazines grumbling that people can't gurgle sycophantically at famous people as well as he can.

But not for much longer, because last night Michael Parkinson recorded his last ever celebrity interviews before fades away into a retirement of autobiography-writing and complaining about how rude young people are. And it's even been reported that professional northerner Michael Parkinson even got a bit teary-eyed during the filming of his last show. That's something we're either putting down to Parkinson realising what a prolific and generous interviewer he's been over the last three and a half decades or because Jamie Cullum turned up and started singing bad jazz-pop at him. We're going to go with the second one.