It’s just us who are looking at it wrong. True, Lindsay Lohan’s constant brushes with substance abuse, rumours of epic wayward unprofessionalism, diva-ish behaviour and stints in jail have ensured that she’ll probably never work again – but look at Lindsay’s dedication to getting sacked from increasingly disappointing jobs. She’s the best at that. Lindsay Lohan is the Laurence Olivier of that.

This time, Lindsay Lohan has apparently been sacked as the host of the World Music Awards – the dreariest, most low-rent awards show on Earth – because she didn’t like the idea of having a co-star. But let’s look on the bright side – since this is easily the lowest point of Lindsay Lohan’s career, the only way is up. Well, until next week when she’s fired from the set of a SafeStyle UK double glazing advert, anyway.

Since Lindsay Lohan has spent the bulk of her adult life shivering in one grotty rehab facility or another, it’s probably best to address her current professional situation in terms that she’ll understand – the rock bottom.

Back when she received a letter from the producer of Georgia Rule scolding her for wasting everyone’s time, Lindsay Lohan may have thought she’d hit rock bottom, but she hadn’t. And then, as a result of that letter, her regular DUI arrests, her various addictions, her Worst Actress awards and her incredible lack of popularity with the public, Lindsay Lohan may have considered her failure to find any decent movie work to be her rock bottom. But it wasn’t.

Not even getting chopped from Ugly Betty can be counted as Lindsay Lohan’s rock bottom any more, because now Lindsay Lohan has just been axed from her role as host of the World Music Awards – the music awards show that nobody, not even the producers or any of the artists who win anything, can bring themselves to even slightly care about. Digital Spy reports:

Lindsay Lohan has been axed as the host of next weekend’s World Music Awards. The actress was said to be angry after bosses drafted in Jesse Metcalfe to help her with presenting duties. She has now been replaced with Denise Richards. “Lindsay was furious that she wasn’t the star [of the event],” a source told The Mirror.

OK, actually we can sort of see why Lindsay Lohan got angry. Imagine someone telling you that you’re doing such a terrible job at hosting an awards show that they need to bring in Jesse Metcalfe – a man with all the personality of a damp sock – to boost up your charisma. You’d throw a tantrum too, wouldn’t you. They may as well take a dump on your face.

But let’s stay positive here. This has to be the nadir of Lindsay Lohan’s professional career. True, to recover she might need to knuckle down and gracefully accept lower-paid television or commercial work to get back on the ladder again, but we don’t doubt that she’s capable of doing it.

After all, it’s that or porn, and not even Lindsay Lohan wants to be responsible for millions of people gushing blood out of their eyes, does she?

And that spells a big uh-oh for Heroes, because both of those apply equally to it. The latter has done since around the end of the first season, but the former has only just happened. Heroes co-executive producers Jeph Loeb and Jesse Alexander have been given the boot by NBC in an attempt to make the show decent again.

There’s no word on who’ll replace Loeb and Alexander on Heroes, but we think it’ll be us. We have a three-point Heroes resuscitation plan raring to go, and it’s unbeatable. 1) Reduce the cast down to a key core of characters, 2) ditch all the time travel, and 3) bring in a new character who’s a cartoon time-travelling giraffe who speaks in rhymes like a rapper and has magical sunglasses. Kids still like rap, right?

Remember when everyone liked Heroes? You have to cast your mind back quite a way, but they did. When it started, Heroes was like Lost, except that it answered questions instead of wallowing around examining its own navel all the time.

Public opinion about Heroes has changed a little since then – it’s now like Lost except that nobody watches it, none of the characters are good, the stories are all rubbish, the acting is weak and all in all sitting through an episode is so pointless that you may as well spend an hour trying to push a goose up a badger’s bottom. Generally speaking.

It’s clear that Heroes needs something big to happen to change and, since NBC appears to be ignoring our calls to turn it into The Hayden Panettiere Rides A Mechanical Rodeo Bull In Slow Motion In A Swimsuit Hour, it’s decided to give the shove to a couple of co-executive producers instead. Variety reports:

Big shakeup on the staff of NBC’s “Heroes” came down on Sunday with the axing of co-exec producers Jesse Alexander and Jeph Loeb. Both had been with the show since its first season. It’s understood that Alexander and Loeb were let go because of Peacock execs’ frustration with the creative direction of the show.

It’s absolutely right that NBC should be concerned about the creative direction of Heroes. If the show continues to slide in quality at its present rate then we expect the entire second half of this season to consist of nothing but Mohinder waffling endless half-sentences about destiny and God and genetics to a photograph of a duckling. Actually, we take that back – we’d much prefer to watch that than Heroes as it currently is.

But, hey, if anyone can turn Heroes around, it’s the network executives. Give them a few million dollars to focus group the problem and we’re sure they’ll get Heroes back on its feet.

Well, it won’t be Heroes as such – it’ll be a new show set in space, and all the characters will be kung-fu girls in bikinis, and the end of each episode will be decided by text-vote, and it’ll be called Heroez and afterwards there’ll be a real-life reality show all about the dramatic ups and downs of Hayden Panittiere and Milo Ventimiglia’s relationship called Heroez: Unzipped – but kids like shows that have a ‘Z’ instead of an ‘S’ at the end, right?

Not only did 18-year-old Lindsey Evans snatch the title of Miss Teen Louisiana USA from under our noses – we knew we should have shaved our bum for the swimsuit round! – but she’s also gone and squandered it by allegedly running away from a restaurant without paying, and getting dethroned as Miss Teen Louisiana USA as a result.

It’s a shocking development. After all, everyone knows that beauty queens only get dethroned when they act like gigantic sluts and take naked pretend-lesbian photos of themselves for the internet. True, police did find a small bag of marijuana in Lindsey Evans’ possession, but that hardly makes up for anything. What we’re basically saying is that Lindsey Evans should be more of a slutty lesbian. And possibly invest in a dildo.

There’s never been a worse time to be a beauty queen. The economic downturn has bred widespread public resentment bordering on violent towards anyone whose sole job involves literally wearing a crown all the time and waving condescendingly at poor people, but that’s not all.

No, also the internet and the general atrophying of western civilisation means it’s getting easier and easier to catch the beauty queens out. Take Tara Conner, for example, the Miss USA who couldn’t stop drunkenly shagging piles of drugs or something. Or Katie Rees, the former Miss Nevada USA who took photos of herself biting a girl’s nipple and then allegedly kicked a policeman.

And now we can add Miss Teen Louisiana USA Lindsey Evans to that list of outlawed beauty queens. Lindsey Evans’ alleged crime is perhaps the worst of all – she ran out of a restaurant without paying. A really fancy restaurant, too, because between her and three other friends the bill came to a whopping $46. The New York Post reports:

A Bayou beauty queen and her pals skipped out on a bill, but the reigning Miss Teen Louisiana USA left her purse – and a baggie of pot – behind, police said yesterday… Jennifer Martin, 22, who was among the busted bad girls, said Evans actually left cash for her share of the bill and the other three were ready to pay with debit cards. “The service was so slow, we just said, ’screw it’ and left,” Martin told The Post tonight.

It’s too late for excuses – that mixture of soft drug possession and food-based tomfoolery has caused the Miss Teen Louisiana bigwigs to intervene and dethrone Lindsey Evans for good.

This news has completely knocked us for six. After all, this is a young woman who won a title based solely on how closely her genes arbitrarily happened to adhere to an outmoded set of patriarchal values we’re talking about here! We thought those girls were supposed to be smart!

But, hey, let’s take whatever positive we can get from this. True, Lindsey Evans might have lost her Miss Teen Louisiana USA title, but it’s taught us a valuable lesson. If Lindsey Evans is the prettiest girl in Louisiana, and Lindsey Evans looks like a papier mache sculpture of an albino Wednesday Addams, then we’re probably not going to bother looking for a wife in Louisiana.

He had a multi multi multi million selling album, a wife (eventually, a few times), a child with his name and some hats. Things were looking rosy for the dancing pop prat.

Then he brought out a new album, ‘Here I Stand’, and – compared to his last one, ‘Confessions’, at least – it flopped something rotten. While still selling just under a million copies to date, this is considered a failure by both Usher and, more likely, his record label.

So what’s the solution when you’re known around the world, popular, good looking and – apparently – talented?

Why – sack your management and go running to your mum. Obviously. Which is exactly what Raymond has gone and done, re-employing the mother he sacked just over a year ago as a part of his throwing his toys out of the pram reaction to not selling enough records.

Aww, bless him.

Instead of doing what any self-respecting person would do on realising a failure – acknowledge it, shoulder the blame and move on having learned something – it would seem that Usher believes he couldn’t possibly be at fault for his record not selling too well. Not that we’d sniff at 1,000,000 sales for hecklerspray: The Record, it’s just it seems that that many copies doesn’t count as ‘too well’.

Regardless, instead of realising that maybe he was just something of a R&B flash in the pan – a nobody in a sea full of nobodies – some pretty big changes have been made.

Splitting from his management arrangement with Benny Medina, manager of such incredible acts as Mariah Carey and cancelling his arrangement with W&W Public Relations, Usher has gone full circle back to his dear old mama, Jonetta Patton. As the statement from his LaFace/Zomba label… stated:

“[Usher] has dissolved his management arrangement with Benny Medina and has re-engaged (his mother) Jonnetta Patton as his manager.”

Well at least it makes sense – who can talk up a person better than your own mother? And who’s better at arranging to do things for you than your own mother? Plus he’s sure to always look good on public appearances, and she’ll hopefully make sure that he doesn’t forget where he is again, thus making him look like less of a complete dick.

She’s also sure to keep him on the straight and narrow, avoiding the temptation wherever his dancing penis may take him. Though as a result of this, he may inadvertently create more lesbians – lord knows Usher is knowledgeable on their kind.

What we really hope will come from all this though is the overwhelming realisation that’s sure to hit Usher right in his big smug face. When he sees that re-hiring his mother has no effect on his floundering sales and he thinks, just for a second, that maybe he isn’t all that good. He sees for the first time in his life that people were only ever slightly entertained by him because he could dance like a twit while going “YEAH!” every second or so of a song.

But he’s sure to find comfort in his collection of hats. As long as he doesn’t go driving in them.

Alright, maybe that's an overstatement – Velvet Revolver never having even existed in the first place is clearly better than that – but Scott Weiland being all whiny in public will do for now.

Scott Weiland has put out an angry, confusing statement about his dismissal from Velvet Revolver where, at one point, he tips Johann Sebastian Bach to become his replacement. Which would work – dig up the 250-year-dead Bach, pump him full of heroin, slap a ridiculous Nazi hat onto his mouldy corpse head and he'd be the spitting image of Scott Weiland. Alright, he actually meant Sebastian Bach from Skid Row. But that's less funny so we'll ignore it.

Like many people, we never really saw the point of Velvet Revolver. We never wondered what some of Guns N' Roses would sound like if a skinny heroin addict sang their songs instead of a tubby ginger bloke with dreadlocks, and we certainly didn't want to hear them perform any Pink Floyd cover versions.

But, now that the current incarnation of Velvet Revolver is splitting up, we've finally discovered what the band means to us. Moderate hilarity, that's what. Everything Velvet Revolver did was brilliant. If Coldplay got banned from Japan, for example, or Chris Martin crashed his car on drugs or Gwyneth Paltrow burnt his clothes, it wouldn't be especially funny. But that's only because Chris Martin doesn't dress up as a heroin-blasted Nazi onstage. That makes everything funny.

Funnier still was yesterday's news that Velvet Revolver was sacking Scott Weiland for being weird. Admittedly the news that Scott Weiland was going to reform Stone Temple Pilots in his new-found free time was less funny – the world generally needs a Stone Temple Pilots reunion like it needs to be kicked down a lift shaft by a nun – but Scott's done his best to make up for it.

Why? Because he's responded to his sacking with the most deranged, froth-mouthed statement you're ever likely to hear. Here it is, in full. Thank us later:

After reading the comment by Duff, Matt, Dave and the illustrious "GUITAR HERO," Saul Hudson, a.k.a Slash, I find it humorous that the so called four "founding members" of Velvet Revolver, better known to themselves as "the Project" before I officially named the band, would decide to move on without me after I had already claimed the group dead in the water on March 20 in Glasgow. In response to Slash's comment regarding my commitment, I have to say it is a blatant and tired excuse to cover up the truth. The truth of the matter is that the band had not gotten along on multiple levels for some time. On a musical level, there were moments of joy, inspiration, fun… at times, but let's not forget the multiple trips to rehab every member of the band had taken (with the exception of one member, no need to mention his name). Personally speaking, I choose to look forward to the future and performing with a group of friends I have known my entire life, people who have always had my back. This also speaks to my commitment to my music and my fellow band mates in STP and to the fans who I feel would much rather watch a group of musicians who enjoy being together as opposed to a handful of discontents who at one time used to call themselves a gang.

p.s. don't be fooled by veiled trickery

p.p.s good hunting lads, I think Sebastian Bach would be a fantastic choice.

Oh, paranoid heroin-addled conspiracy theorists, where would we be without you? But still, now that both Velvet Revolver and Scott Weiland have got their sides of the story across, perhaps this means they'll be able to get on with their lives in peace again.

Pah, where's the fun in that? Hey Slash, are you going to sit there and let Scott Weiland insult you like that? You're not going to react? That's rubbish – call him a bastard. Call him an arse-helmet. Call him anything you like, just do it in public. You can't allow something as beautiful as this awkward squabble to die, can you?

Read more:

Velvet Revolver parts ways with singer; Scott Weiland responds - EW 

And now they'll get to find out, because Velvet Revolver have sacked singer Scott Weiland being he's such a monumental douchebag all the time. We're paraphrasing slightly.

In fact, Scott Weiland has been dismissed from Velvet Revolver because of his "increasing erratic" behaviour. Given that Scott Weiland is basically a whiny bipolar heroin addict with a Nazi hat who's been arrested for buying crack cocaine, beating up women and driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol, it's hard to imagine what Weiland could have done to up his level of erracticness. What? He's reformed Stone Temple Pilots? Ohhhhhh.

The non-singing element of Velvet Revolver can't half pick their singers. As Guns N' Roses they decided to be the backing band for a podgy ginger bloke who can't stop fiddling about with his already-dead album even when he's offered some fizzy drinks in return for a release date. And then, after he disappeared up his bottom, they chose Scott Weiland.

Scott Weiland, for christ's sake, lead singer with Stone Temple Pilots. Lord alone knows why Velvet Revolver picked Scott Weiland as their singer, but we imagine that they figured that a recovering heroin addict with well-known mental issues, a history of domestic violence and a CV that includes a stint in one of the 10 worst bands of all time must have just complimented their widdly-woo wankfests quite well.

But as much as every band wants a skinny drug addict dressed as a German war criminal singing whiny poor-me lyrics over their music, Scott Weiland was perhaps Velvet Revolver's biggest drawback. After all, Velvet Revolver was banned from Japan because of Weiland's drug history, plus it's difficult to concentrate on your job when you're crashing your car on drugs and watching your wife burn all of your clothes.

So the other members of Velvet Revolver have done the decent thing and given Scott Weiland the boot. Reuters reports:

Four founding members of the rock band Velvet Revolver said on Tuesday they were splitting with the group's troubled singer, Scott Weiland, citing his "increasingly erratic" behavior. The announcement came in a terse statement from the group's management company as Weiland, 40, and his recently reunited original band, Stone Temple Pilots, were set next week to announce plans for a highly anticipated summer tour. "This band is all about its fans and its music, and Scott Weiland isn't 100% committed to either," Slash was quoted as saying. "Among other things, his increasingly erratic on-stage behavior and personal problems have forced us to move on."

If you're worried about what the future holds for Scott Weiland and Velvet Revolver, then don't be. Unless he winds up in jail or rehab for his car crash, Scott Weiland will get to travel the world with Stone Temple Pilots once again, delighting the three or four remaining fools who actually still listen to their records, while Velvet Revolver will be on the look out for a suitable replacement vocalist.

But that shouldn't take too long, because there's one candidate head and shoulder above the others. Bipolar? Terrible at driving? Dreadful wardrobe? Useless personal life? Yep, we're sure that Britney Spears will be inducted into the band before the week is out.

Read more:

Velvet Revolver splits with rocker Scott Weiland - Reuters 

Let’s start with the good news, shall we: The entire cast of dire TV twaddle Skins are to be made redundant! Yeah! No more undeveloped twatty stereotypes with better hair than you!

That would be so sweet if it weren't for the bad news. 

The twatty stereotypical undeveloped characters are to be replaced by twattier further stereotyped undeveloped characters with even better hair. Fuck. The good news isn’t quite so good anymore, is it? Pretend you haven’t read this bit. Delete it from your brains. It hasn’t happened.

Still reading? More fool you. It gets worse:

After beginning nationwide open auditions recently and announcing that they’re on the look-out for an “Eastern European male and identical twin sisters,” executive producer Bryan Elson confirmed that all current characters will be axed.

This probably means The Cheeky Girls are going to be in the new series saying excellent dialogue such as:

“Towny, why you’re cock not werk?”

And:

“Ow fyuck my pyeriod is own. I bleed downstaars. Dis is sow like reeall lif. Let's dance for no reason.”

The rumours are true, the head of Channel Four is definitely a peanut. Unsalted. With no sense of reality. Obviously. Peanuts don’t have that generally. We’re just clarifying in case anyone from Channel Four is reading. Hi people from Channel Four! You’re dead good at telly! That would be so true if it weren’t false. So close.

The horrible news is that Bono is still alive.

Read more:

Skins Cast Axed! - Zoo 

That former Hollyoaks actor, as if it could be anyone else, was our old friend Paul Danan – who up to six of you may remember from also being on Celebrity Love Island a couple of years ago. Paul Danan was all set to play Jack in the local panto production of Jack And The Beanstalk at Preston's Charter Theatre this year, but now he's not. What could Paul Danan have done to lose such a searingly high-profile acting role? Why, screaming "Come on, make some motherfucking noise!" at the disparate gaggle of bewildered children and pensioners who'd come to see Danan switch on Preston's Christmas lights, of course. 

In these socially-fragmented, multicultural, multi-choice times, the world needs figures like Paul Danan like never before; figures that unite everyone regardless of gender, race, age or persuasion in thinking "Christ, what a fucking idiot. Seriously. What a complete tool."

Everyone who knows Paul Danan knows what a screeching little overcompensating turd he is, mostly thanks to his stint on Celebrity Love Island where he stalked a girl, then screamed violently at her, then got drunk and screamed "you're my little bitch!" at anyone within a kilometre of him. In fact, it's fair to say that Paul Danan's life is one long guilt-ridden hungover 'did I really do that last night?' moment stretched out to fill a lifetime, but without any of the usual shame that  tends to accompany it.

Even though we can't quite get our heads around the public wanting to pay to see Paul Danan in anything – with the one exception of a brick-filled bin-liner on a crumbling riverbank – the good people of Preston inexplicably decided to give Danan a second chance this year and offered him £5,000 to play the lead in its Jack And The Beanstalk panto, due to start on December 8. And it was all going swimmingly, right up until some idiot thought to ask Paul Danan to switch on the Christmas lights as well.

As a nice touch to help promote the panto, organisers of the event wanted Paul Danan to dress up as Jack to turn on the lights. But Danan apparently refused on the basis that it made him look "like a twat." Leaving aside the fact that his own face, body, voice and brain already do a decent enough job of that, Paul Danan then went onstage and yelled this unforgettably family-friendly opening at the assembled crowd:

"Come on, make some motherfucking noise!"

After which Paul Danan had his microphone swiped by a local DJ before he could manage to bellow any more obscenities, was hit with an on-the-spot £100 fine by police and got the sack from the panto for his behaviour. So it'll be a lean Christmas in the Danan household this year – but what about Preston's panto? After all, there's only just over two weeks to go to find another star and rehearse them before the first performance.

Our advice to the panto's producers is to aim high. Sure, you may have lost a first-class actor in Paul Danan, but that isn't to say that you can't find someone more talented and famous in such a short space of time. Someone like your own Nan or that crazy Russian lady who hangs around Preston town centre sometimes screaming at shoppers that they killed her mum and dad.