My Chemical Romance – the Soda Stream of Rock (tasteless, full of gas and depressingly disappointing) – are having a typically overwrought time of it at the moment and no amount of self-harming is going to get them out of this drama.

See, they’ve had to sack their drummer who you’ve never heard of. Why? Because he’s been stealing from the group.

But what has he stolen? There wasn’t any musical ability to take, but a sacking means that it was more precious than even that! We’ve got an idea…

The drummer, with the exciting name of Michael Pedicone (which means ‘man who has unlawful sex with underage geometric conoids), has been fired after the terrible band claimed that he’d been “caught stealing”, just like a Jane’s Addiction song.

After a year putting up with staring at Gerard Way’s anus, he’s been replaced by the unfortunate Dead Country sticksman Jarrod Alexander.

Guitarist Frank Iero says:

“Some shit happened last night. The relationship between My Chemical Romance and Michael Pedicone is over. He was caught red-handed stealing from the band and confessed to police after our show last night in Auburn, Washington. We are heartbroken and sick to our stomachs over this entire situation.”

Pedicone says:

“What happened is more complicated than it sounds but I did make a mistake. It was never my intention to hurt this band or all of you … It was an error in judgment based on a whole other situation that’s way deeper, but this does not define me.”

So what did he steal? Well, we have an inkling that My Chemical Romance are avid bottle collectors and Pedicone tried to take one of them to use for his bottles of squash that he likes to drink on-stage.

As you can see from this video, MCR are so keen on bottles that fans are desperate to add to their collection, even as they play.

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Massive news. Seriously. Forget all that News Corp guff. This is the biggie. Honest it is. We’re literally coming down with a dose of The News. Basically, Bigger Than The Beatles, Glee, is going to lose its two biggest stars.

Stars that just happened to be shaped exactly like Lea Michele and Cory Monteith. And someone called Chris Colfer.

This trio are going to make a hasty exit at the end of season three, presumably getting off before people grow tired of the show and stop watching it. Which you will. Despite what you say, you’ll soon give up on it and say “it’s not as good as it used to be”, despite the format remaining exactly the same forever and ever, amen.

So while you pathetic imbeciles wipe away your tears, everyone at Glee is trying to work out if the show can carry on without its most recognisable stars.

So why are they leaving? Well, bizarrely, it’s to do with keeping the show ‘realistic’, because of course, Glee is famed for being gritty and real.

Ryan Murphy, who created the godawful programme that continually gets away with butchering records that you may or may not like, has revealed that Rachel Berry, Finn Hudson and Kurt Hummel will all graduate at the end of the third season.

He explained:

“You can keep them on the show for six years and people will criticise you for not being realistic, or you can be really true to life and say when they started the show they were very clearly sophomores and they should graduate at the end of their senior year.”

Yup. That’s how realistic it is. Despite the fact that the cast are all averaging 40 years old or something.

“We made that decision and I involved Chris and Lea and they thought that was a good idea.

“They both trust the writing and trust me and felt that it would be great to have an open and closed experience for them to go out while they were on top.”

We can only hope the ending for them includes some kind of fireball or a New Directions obsessed mass-murderer who writes ‘Healter Skelter’ and ‘Piggies’ on the locker room wall in their blood.

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Sometimes, one can only hope that Glenn Beck is the Republican version of Jon Stewart and that it was all one big joke we didn’t latch onto in good time… but there’s that gnawing feeling that he really does believe the beserk stuff he says.

And it is his views that have seen him and his family being targeted by “hateful” crowds at a screening of The 39 Steps in New York City on Monday night.

While there, Beck & Co were caught in a “hostile situation”, and if you look at his history, it isn’t difficult to see why that will happen from time-to-time. You troll people, there’s a strong chance they’ll harangue you in return. So let us glare at him at his most weird.

Apparently, Beck was at this outdoor screening and someone kicked wine onto his wife Tanya’s back, soaking her clothes and their Stars ‘n’ Stripes blanket. Then, after that, when Tanya and their daughter Hannah went to the bathroom to clean up, someone yelled “We hate conservatives here!”

The Becks did their best to ignore the catcalls and people taking pictures of them, but it obviously didn’t work, with Beck saying on his radio show:

“These people were some of the most hateful people I’ve ever seen. All I wanted to do was watch a movie in the park. I have a right to watch and enjoy a movie in the park.”

Hate? Wanna talk about hate? See, Beck was mockingly applauded as he left the show. While it may be very uncomfortable to be chided in public, you have to wonder where this behaviour comes from. Seeing as the screening was in New York, you have to assume that saying things like ‘I hate 9/11 victim families’ will turn a community against you.

And of course, Beck’s melodramatic response probably doesn’t help matters.

“If I had suggested ‘Does anybody have a rope? Because there’s a tree here. You could just lynch me.’ I think there would’ve been a couple in the crowd that would’ve.”

It isn’t exactly a good idea to bring up lynching is it, especially given that Beck has been accused of ‘race hate’ in some quarters.

Fact is, if you’re on a huge platform like the Fox Network, given the opportunity to speak without fear of immediate reply, if you have views that are, to put it kindly, controversial, then people will build up loathing and weariness which could easily manifest itself as… well… taking the piss out of you while you sit on a rug in a park.

Of course, Glenn Beck has the right to his views and no-one should ever take that right away from him… but y’know, the right to speak goes both ways, so if someone wants to boo and heckle you, they’ve got that right too, especially if you’re the kind of bloke who can lose his bap on-air and furious slate a caller, only for you to call them a “pinhead”.

Public attacks aren’t very nice are they? Mercifully, we revel in it and would love the chance to mindlessly call Glenn Beck names, mainly because he looks like Bobby from King of the Hill.

It goes without saying that, while Beck recalled all this on his show, he got all choked up. It’s not like Glenn Beck to cry is it? Not one bit…

Beck, who launches a live streaming video network in Sept., closed his segment about the incident with a plea for love, “Find a way to love because in the end only love remains. The only thing that is true is love. Everything else is a lie. Do not hate, love. That’s the promise of America. That is the shining city on the hill that cannot and will not be hid.”

Beck’s GBTV will feature Beck’s new daily two-hour show and other original and licensed programming.

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The collective stars of Glee are so clean-cut and boring that they’re almost Teflon for interest. Seriously. The only thing of note about them is when they take their tops off or cover a song which irritates pooh-poohing rock fans (the latter is always particularly funny as musos deserve everything they get).

However, this hasn’t always been the case. You see, All-American Biegeheart, Cory Monteith, used to be much more interesting.

You see, he had a drug problem in his past! In fact, so bad was his druggery that his pals thought it might kill him! So was he a ravaged heroin addict, robbing bodegas at gun-point and selling off his parent’s belongings to fund his dastardly habit?

Of course not. This is Glee and America. You only have to look at a drawing of some beer and people think you’ve got an alcohol problem.

See, this vapid, boring shit skipped school a coupla times and smoked pot. And yes, while weed can turn the most pleasant of people into one of the most irritating bores you’ll ever meet, it’s hardly PCP is it?

Cory said:

“I burned a lot of bridges. I was out of control. I had a serious problem, anything and everything as much as possible.”

Unbelievably, his mother sent him to rehab at 19 because she thought he might die. Die of boredom presumably. However, in a rare turn of fun, Cory adds:

“I did the stint but went back to doing exactly what I left off doing”

Sadly, saccharine horseshit is never far away.

“It was a cry for help. I said, ‘Yeah, it was me.’ It was the first truthful thing out of my mouth in years.”

Someone call this prick a WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHmbulance.

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Hey! Adults! Like watching children’s programmes filled with hideous, soul-sapping, nine million part harmonies, systematically destroying all those pop songs you love? Then, chances are, you like watching Glee and consider yourself to be a member of the corporate-designed clan of The Gleek.

Well, for people like us who like laughing at people like you, we’ve got some wonderful news! Glee is no longer going to be on your television.

That’s right, Glee won’t be shown on E4 after parent company Channel 4 decided to walk away from negotiations for the forthcoming series, leaving the show to Do A Richard & Judy. That basically means that it’ll slope off toward the blank chequebook of Sky, watched on television by a scant handful of people, leaving those who can really be bothered to stream it illegally online. Essentially, the show is about to die, which is brilliant news.

Sky have apparently offered more than double the amount Channel 4 coughed-up for the first two seasons, which means that, if you don’t want/can’t afford a Sky subscription, you can kiss Glee’s candy-arse goodbye and mourn the days when you’d sit before your television, agog, while pneumatic Americans destroyed entire back-catalogues of music in one felled swoop.

But Jane Lynch is pretty cool.

Of course, Channel 4 are trying to put a positive spin on it all, noting that Glee’s greed is the broadcaster’s gain. By not renewing the show, it will free up “huge amounts”, leaving them to focus on “home-grown programming, British talent and… continuing to discover and showcase what the US has to offer”.

So basically, that means throwing money at spectacularly unfunny humans like Kevin Bishop then.

Oh, let us not forget that Channel 4 has also secured the rights to the US version of Danish crime drama The Killing, which naturally, is the same target audience as the slack-jawed dimwits who like watching young men and women wearing vest-tops while being in the world’s uncoolest choir.

Gleeks – it might be time to consider getting a life.

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Take one look at the folks who star in Glee, and you just know that they’re the most criminally dull, healthy living, good Christian Americans that could bore a factory filled with glass eyes into a Rip Van Winkle coma, forever.

That said, behind the dozy eyes of Apple Pie celebrities, you imagine that they get up to the most debauched, sordid filth imaginable, right? Look at the alumni of Disney. They’re the dirtiest pigs on Earth.

However, Lea Michele and Matthew Morrison have gone and delivered the backstage gossip on the Glee cast and it is woefully dull.

Basically, they’ve come forward to shatter all of our illusions about the joys of fame and insisted that no-one in the cast has ‘hooked-up’ with each other.

Despite the fact that the pair have been romantically linked in the past, not to mention plenty of other rumours about various cast members knocking their uglies together, apparently, these stories just aren’t true. This leaves us with the impression that they simply stand around, staring into the middle distance and occasionally breaking the tension with forced high-fives.

Lea Michele says:

“(The public) thinks that everyone is sleeping with everyone. We spend every minute of every day together, and when we’re finished we all go out to dinner, so of course they think we’re hooking up.”

“I’m thankful that it doesn’t happen. If people hooked up, there’d be awkward tensions.”

Yes! Awkward, bubbling, sexual tension! That’d be fantastic! Imagine the fun of it all spilling out in interviews with Glee people dry humping table legs while others start swearing and slapping everyone with undiluted, seething jealousy! It would be fantastic!

Matthew Morrison feels even weirder about it all.

“I think it’s funny… but it’s a little embarrassing because they’re supposedly my students. I hear a rumor of me hooking up with one of them and I’m like, ‘Eeeww!’”

“I once dated someone that I was in a show with and these things never end well. It’s best to keep it professional.”

BOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING!

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What do you want most in life? Your two front teeth? Get lost. We’re not dentists. You’ll get what you’re given and show fake gratitude. And your present is the grisly prospect of Glee: The Movie. That’s right. A hundred shrill voices in unison, pumping out of a cinema PA at skin searing volume.

What more could you ask for in life, other than a no frills package holiday to Dignitas?

So what will this Glee movie entail? Will it be exactly like the series, only longer, more expensive looking and featuring more cameos? Or do the Glee kids indulge in a bit of Spring Break boozing and lesbianism in the name of getting some cheap beads while the lads chest bump and fall to the floor, shirtless in a Women In Love embrace?

Of course not. Glee has less teeth than a D-Day reunion.

Alas, the film that we’ll all be subjected to at some point will be a concert movie based on the ‘Glee Live’ tour is to be released in cinemas in August. You can thank Justin Bieber for reviving that particular brand of film after he forced cinema staff to cower at the shrieking Beliebers, tearing each other limb from limb as they tried to get their tiny little hands on a pair of Never Say Never purple 3D glasses.

Naturally, this Glee film will do rather well on the silver screen as it has been a massive ratings winner for Fox, and of course, infecting the pop charts with its many, many releases.

Further to this, someone is being killed off in the show.

Matthew Morrison – who plays teacher Will Schuester (you knew that, you disgusting pleb)- recently said that a character will die at the end of this series.

“Somebody’s dying. Obviously I’m not going to tell you who it is, but it is no-one you would probably expect.

“The episode right before the finale is called ‘Funeral’. We were actually at a funeral home yesterday, shooting all day. It was a very taxing day.”

Try actually working with cadavers all day you preening, lisping thesp!

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Fleetwood Mac are more soap opera than band. They’ve taken so much cocaine that even listening to one of their LPs will erode your septum, leaving you looking like Michael Jackson in a sauna.

It is because of this that they still transfix us all. They’ve made some cool tunes, all had ill-advised sex with each other and generally disappeared up their own anuses for us all to titter at.

And now, they’ve made a little history (not seismic history you understand, rather, a slither of TV trivia) by becoming the first group to have an episode entirely devoted to one of their albums. Of course, no-one is stupid enough to devote a whole show to Tusk or Tango In The Night. We’re talking about Rumours, obviously.

The episode sees Schuester (Matthew Morrison) assigning his students the task of covering the whole album, which of course, sees the New Directions (comprised of Lea Michele, Cory Monteith, Naya Rivera, Dianna Agron, Kevin McHale, guest star Kristin Chenoweth, Ronald Reagan’s ghost, a laughing tree, three eggs, a wistful cow and a rapping papier mache simian) singing ‘Dreams’, ‘Don’t Stop’ and ‘Go Your Own Way’ and the like.

All the while, the TV show couldn’t even hope to get close to the tension and ridiculous goings-on that surrounded the recording of the classic album.

The songs of love and betrayal may sound smoother than a freshly waxed leg, but rest assured, in those grooves, you’ve basically got a band that are spelling out just how much they hate each other. It’s not so much a cryptic tale of yearning and deceit, rather, a raw, open letter to each other telling each band member exactly how they feel.

And then there’s Mick Fleetwood’s testicles on the album cover. Amazing.

If you thought this album was omnipresent enough, then an appearance on Glee will introduce the group to a whole new generation of people, thereby ensuring that it will actually last forever, outliving mankind itself, to be latterly enjoyed by primate rulers in some bleak desolate land.

Rumours. The Rosetta Stone of our failing species.

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There is something monumentally sinister about Glee. Those grinning, android toothed apple pies, all good-looking but slightly quirky, blankly staring down camera and hitting you with melodies so in-tune, that it feels like you’ve wandered into robot heaven.

Only without the fun circuit board jamming that they’ll actually have in robot heaven.

Of course, there’s something sinister about those that watch Glee as well. Those poor, wretched, hallowed out individuals that glare at their television sets, singing along to the songs they’ve heard somewhere before, in the time they had a life of friends and parties, now replaced by a toothy, thin girl, emoting one off all over the screen. And now someone has gone and popped the bubble by leaking a major bit of plot and everyone is slowly rising to their feet in anger – the first emotion they have felt since Glee swallowed them up.

That’s right! Someone who was a regular extra on Glee has been fired after they revealed a big fat spoiler from the show’s upcoming prom episode.

This extra is called Nicole Crowther who is now nursing a P45 after she tweeted a message which revealed the show’s Prom King and Queen. And now we’re going to report what she said, just in case you missed it because we don’t care if it spoils your fun.

In a Tweet, Crowther wrote:

“K is PQ and Ka is PK”

To a normal person, that just looks like a puke of nonsense, but to Gleeks, they’ll know that it means that Kurt is going to be named Prom Queen and Dave Karofsky will be Prom King.

Producer Brad Falchuk (who clearly has a fine anagram to be made from his name, but we can’t be bothered to work it out) hit back at Nicole.

“Who are you to spoil something talented people have spent months to create? Hope you’re qualified to do something besides work in entertainment.”

You’ll never work in this town again! That’s what that says! Marvellous!

Crowther quickly deleted her account after her final Tweet:

“They are not doing reshoots because of my careless mistake so shut up haters and leave me alone. Grow up and get a life.”

YEAH! GET A LIFE HATERS!

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Glenn Beck – the GG Allin of television* – isn’t likely to see his contract renewed by Fox. Imagine that for a second. Someone in the world who is deemed too nutso even for Rupert Murdoch. Staggering stuff.

So what can Glenn Beck do now? Have a cry about it? Roll around on the floor, masturbating into an American flag?

He might! And he might film it too! That’s because Glenn Beck is to take his brand of bug-eyed, frenzied gibberish onto his own network! If you can’t beat ‘em, eat ‘em! And we can only imagine the horrors that will unfold on GBTV.

He is considering a cable channel takeover or expanding his online video service, going solo much like Oprah Winfrey. Of course, instead of being the caring bosom of America, Beck will film himself, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, from a secret nuclear bunker, talking to himself and slowly deteriorating before climaxing with a shotgun in his mouth and a small stars ‘n’ stripes dangling from his anus.

You know damn well that’ll happen if there’s no-one to tell him where the line is.

Disagree? Here’s a man who said that the devastating events in Japan were likely to be a “message from God”. He’s all heart isn’t he?

Alas, it would appear that America is tiring of ol’ Glenn. He’s lost over one million viewers from his show in 12 months. We suspect this is wholly connected to his outing himself as a Muse fan. That, or people have stopped tuning in ironically.

Either way, it looks like Fox bosses are considering giving him the chop. Presumably, this is so they can pave the way for Sarah Palin’s sadly inevitable television career. Fox can’t be hiring a man who has nearly 400 advertisers boycotting him can they?

And so, once more, the eyes of the world will look to America with a special kind of astonishment reserved for their right-wingers.

Gawd bless ‘em.

*Think about it. Self defecating and won’t be happy ’til he’s in the centre of a riot he’s caused himself. Probably has a tiny penis as well.

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Just as we all assumed, Justin Bieber is turning into a sneering little brat… a git of the highest order. Throw endless attention at a child and he’ll repay you with the kind of behaviour that would embarrass your average MTV producer.

Now Bieber has had a film out and got himself a starlet girlfriend (who has had a face like a torn welly boot lately), he’s decided to stroppily stomp around the place and forget all that sheened professionalism that he’s had drummed into him by his army of men with flipcharts.

Don’t believe us?

Let us look at Bieber’s recent behaviour.

He went on a date with Gomez and when his fans (y’know, those wide-eyed children with pink pencil cases and pocket money who have vaulted Bieber from foetus to superstar toddler) and decided that he would be incredibly rude to them. That probably left one man mopping up enough tears to fill Death Valley.

On his birthday, he gave the finger to a bunch of paps who he was more than happy to court previously. And it doesn’t end there – he attacked some poor woman with a camera in her hand while he was out-and-about.

Early this month, he thought it would be okay to kick one of his backing dancers. So what’s the fuss about that? Well, he kicked her in the throat.

Yeah.

Then, he capped all this off by performing a show with his flies unzipped and stealing his guitarist’s – Dan Kanter – phone and tweeted that he would be leaving the band, causing an outpouring of grief from his fans and presumably putting the fear of God into Kanter who thought he was getting the coldest You’re Sacked slip in the history of entertainment.

What can we expect next? Bieber bringing back happy slapping? Justin wrestling grandmother’s to the ground like Andy Kaufman before performing a full nelson that squeezes ever trace of air out?

We’re watching you Bieber. Y’little shit.

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The transfer season may well be over, but the biggest football transfer of the year has just taken place. That’s right, after having their contracts terminated by Sky Sports, public whipping boys Richard Keys and Andy Gray have signed for conference side talkSPORT, in a deal said to be worth roughly the price of a few Fray Bentos pies.

Gray and Keys, or to give them their proper names, Tweedle-Chimp (have you seen how hairy Keys’ hands are? They’re not HD friendly, that’s for sure) and Tweedle-Chump, are to host a new show every weekday from 10am until 1pm.

Presumably the show will primarily involve Gray and Keys explaining the off-side rule to female callers.

A Sky Sports mole, who wished to remain nameless, described news of the signing as, “unbelievable, Jeff.”

We’re not quite sure who Jeff is, but we let the rambling idiot continue, despite the fact he seemed oblivious to the fact Gray and Keys had left. “Really… are they gone?” the mole continued, “I must’ve missed that. I saw them go off but I thought they were bringing a sub on.”

Reports we just made up also state that Gray and Keys’ new show will feature a variety of special guests, which come in the form of legends of the game as well as respected football pundits.

Keys himself did hint at the fact some guests feature more regularly than others, he was heard to exclaim that during rehearsals for the new show, “you could have gone round there any night and found Redknapp hanging out the back of it.”

Gray has found the transition from TV to radio hard though. He’s become paranoid that, without being able to draw a mess of incomprehensible lines across the screen, his analysis of key match points will degrade into a series of strange grunting sounds and attempts to put the microphone down his trousers (with or without the assistance of the nearest female colleague).

With Gray, Keys and Stan Collymore all working for talkSPORT, you’ve got to wonder how scared both the female talkSPORT employees are getting.

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You know Thingummy Chops? That fella who could drive cars really fast? Him who was The Stig for a few years? Yeah. Him. He’s called Ben SomethingOrOther. No. We don’t care either. Well, Mr Whatsit is moaning and complaining about the BBC and the people at Top Gear because they paid him to drive a car and asked him not to ruin the secret of Christmas.

The Man Who Played The Stig, who will now be referred to as ‘The Man Who Played The Stig’ is being a whiny bitch because the Top Gear folks are being nasty to him. Rather amusingly, they’ve likened The Man Who Played The Stig to a Dalek and a Blue Peter dog.

You would’ve thought that, after all these years, he would’ve learned that the Top Gear team aren’t known for being overly sensitive about… well… anyone on Earth.

In his first (and quite possibly last) interview since the BBC failed to block his memoir, That Stig Bloke has accused the BBC of hypocrisy because they first revealed his identity.

The driver told the Sun today that the BBC was took him for granted:

“People seemed to have got used to me doing a stunt or slide brilliantly. If you do it right they look easy, but they’re not. Yet Andy [Wilman, Top Gear executive producer] has since said I was the same as a Dalek or the Blue Peter dog. With respect to the Dalek operators, I don’t think it’s quite the same thing and I thought I could leave with more respect than that.”

In all due respect, there’s probably a good number of former racing-drivers out there with loads of time on their hands who would kill to be paid to appear on one of television’s biggest shows and do a slide, brilliantly. No?

He continued, melodramatically:

“It is a travesty that a state-funded broadcaster gagged my free speech. It was hypocritical to suggest I’d done any more to reveal myself than they had.”

Here, he’s referring to the fact that the Radio Times (part of BBC Worldwide) speculated about the Stig’s identity and his name was one of the published possibilities.

“I was astonished. I was being outed by the very people I worked for. Yet I knew nothing about it. It caused a huge question over whether I was viable any more.”

“It was becoming clear that it was either jump or be pushed. Last Christmas I began writing my book.”

Sounds like someone needs to call a Waaaaahmbulance for The Fella Who Drove Cars In Disguise On Top Gear For A Bit. Seriously, he needs to man up. If you hang around with pricks like Top Gear, they’re going to treat you like a prick when you ruffle their feathers.

Anyway, the BBC have made a statement which says:

“Today’s interview appears in a newspaper that is owned by the same company that is publishing Ben’s book. It seems to have been designed simply to attempt to generate further sales.

“The BBC categorically refutes any accusations of bullying. Once Ben informed the BBC of his intentions, he was reminded of his confidentiality obligations and it was made clear to him that if he went ahead with the book, he would not be able to remain in his role.”

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We’ve been playing it coy and cool for the last few weeks because we’ve been sitting on a story so big that we assumed it must be a massive, outrageous lie. We still can’t quite believe what we’re about to announce.

The crux of the matter is that we’ve known the person behind the helmet of Top Gear’s new Stig. The BBC have threatened us with legal action should we reveal the identity of the new driver, but as Ben Whateverhemightbecalled proved, the BBC cannot suppress this information.

Of course, like Santa Claus or Jesus Christ Our Lord, it’s more fun to believe in the myth rather than find out the boring truth. As such, we’ll give no information until you get over the jump. If you want to find out who the new Stig is, please read more.

The announcing of a new Stig is timed with the departure of a infamous media node within these very walls and we can exclusively reveal that the new ‘mystery driver’ on the show will be our soon to depart editor, Stuart Heritage.

As you can see from this leaked mobile phone photo, the moment when Heritage met Richard Hammond for the first time is captured for all to see.

Stuart will be departing Hecklerspray at the end of the week, with the customary parting gift of a P45 and a £10 voucher for the now defunct Andy’s Records.

We wish him all the best in his new role and we hope that this revelation will not see him fired from Top Gear like that last guy who got fired.

Stuart said:

“I’ve loved writing for Hecklerspray all these years. Five, long, gruelling, miserable years. I really have. Remember that story about Alan Davies biting a tramp? Salad days bruv. Salad days. However, when the Beeb came knocking on the door, having seen my punditry work on Sky News, they told me I was the perfect stature to sit in a car and drive it at death-inducing speeds. How could I say no?”

He added:

“The said that my face was perfect for the role of The Stig and they couldn’t wait to stick a racing helmet on my head. They were so eager and excited that until I placed the infamous mask on, the producers of the show spent their time pointing at my head whilst dry-heaving.”

Let us just hope that the producers of the programme don’t discover that Stuart is currently only in possession of a provisional driving license which already has three points on it after he careless mowed down a cyclist by the name of Mr. B. Johnson.

Here’s a clip of our Stu’s first car test, due to be shown on the first episode of the new Top Gear series, due in the autumn of 2011.

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People were up in arms about The Stig’s unmasking being considered newsworthy. So, of course, this article is dedicated to those people in an attempt to wind them up to the point where they grind their teeth into dust.

Of course, you’ll be more than aware of the fact that Some Bloke told the world that he was The Stig. If you really want to know his name before you forget it for the rest of your life, he’s called Ben. Ben Collins. He can drive cars really fast.

Or at least he used to because Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has revealed he’s been handed his P45 after his little court battle with the BBC.

Thanks to all this, the world will spin the wrong way on its axis as Clarkson announced that the show’s format will change after The Stig outed himself. Imagine that. A TV show doing things slightly differently than it once did. Trying to process that notion is making us collectively feel like we’re coming down off bad drugs.

Clarkson said:

“He is history as far as we are concerned, he is sacked.”

“It was a shock. I was hurt, actually, because I liked him and he came around to my house and had drinks and all the time he was writing a book, so I feel a bit hurt.”

So what’s next? Well, apart from Ben Whatshisface wondering whether his book was worth it and whether he should’ve given up such a well-paid and prestigious job, Clarkson said that Top Gear won’t be short of options.

“We’ve many, many thousands of people queuing up to be whatever it is that we create.”

“I have spent the last three weeks doing nothing but trying to figure out what we will do instead. We will get somebody. Top Gear is damaged but not out.”

So there you have it. Earth shattering stuff. Jeremy Clarkson feels hurt and Ben Thingy will now sit at home, alone, dressed in a boiler suit with a pan on his head, making the sound of shrieking tyres and shouting the word ‘Gambon’ over and over until he finally ends his life with a hose attached to the exhaust of his Toyota Prius.

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