Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
My Chemical Romance – the Soda Stream of Rock (tasteless, full of gas and depressingly disappointing) – are having a typically overwrought time of it at the moment and no amount of self-harming is going to get them out of this drama.
See, they’ve had to sack their drummer who you’ve never heard of. Why? Because he’s been stealing from the group.
But what has he stolen? There wasn’t any musical ability to take, but a sacking means that it was more precious than even that! We’ve got an idea…
Massive news. Seriously. Forget all that News Corp guff. This is the biggie. Honest it is. We’re literally coming down with a dose of The News. Basically, Bigger Than The Beatles, Glee, is going to lose its two biggest stars.
Stars that just happened to be shaped exactly like Lea Michele and Cory Monteith. And someone called Chris Colfer.
This trio are going to make a hasty exit at the end of season three, presumably getting off before people grow tired of the show and stop watching it. Which you will. Despite what you say, you’ll soon give up on it and say “it’s not as good as it used to be”, despite the format remaining exactly the same forever and ever, amen.
Sometimes, one can only hope that Glenn Beck is the Republican version of Jon Stewart and that it was all one big joke we didn’t latch onto in good time… but there’s that gnawing feeling that he really does believe the beserk stuff he says.
And it is his views that have seen him and his family being targeted by “hateful” crowds at a screening of The 39 Steps in New York City on Monday night.
While there, Beck & Co were caught in a “hostile situation”, and if you look at his history, it isn’t difficult to see why that will happen from time-to-time. You troll people, there’s a strong chance they’ll harangue you in return. So let us glare at him at his most weird.
The collective stars of Glee are so clean-cut and boring that they’re almost Teflon for interest. Seriously. The only thing of note about them is when they take their tops off or cover a song which irritates pooh-poohing rock fans (the latter is always particularly funny as musos deserve everything they get).
However, this hasn’t always been the case. You see, All-American Biegeheart, Cory Monteith, used to be much more interesting.
You see, he had a drug problem in his past! In fact, so bad was his druggery that his pals thought it might kill him! So was he a ravaged heroin addict, robbing bodegas at gun-point and selling off his parent’s belongings to fund his dastardly habit?
Hey! Adults! Like watching children’s programmes filled with hideous, soul-sapping, nine million part harmonies, systematically destroying all those pop songs you love? Then, chances are, you like watching Glee and consider yourself to be a member of the corporate-designed clan of The Gleek.
Well, for people like us who like laughing at people like you, we’ve got some wonderful news! Glee is no longer going to be on your television.
That’s right, Glee won’t be shown on E4 after parent company Channel 4 decided to walk away from negotiations for the forthcoming series, leaving the show to Do A Richard & Judy. That basically means that it’ll slope off toward the blank chequebook of Sky, watched on television by a scant handful of people, leaving those who can really be bothered to stream it illegally online. Essentially, the show is about to die, which is brilliant news.
Take one look at the folks who star in Glee, and you just know that they’re the most criminally dull, healthy living, good Christian Americans that could bore a factory filled with glass eyes into a Rip Van Winkle coma, forever.
That said, behind the dozy eyes of Apple Pie celebrities, you imagine that they get up to the most debauched, sordid filth imaginable, right? Look at the alumni of Disney. They’re the dirtiest pigs on Earth.
However, Lea Michele and Matthew Morrison have gone and delivered the backstage gossip on the Glee cast and it is woefully dull.
What do you want most in life? Your two front teeth? Get lost. We’re not dentists. You’ll get what you’re given and show fake gratitude. And your present is the grisly prospect of Glee: The Movie. That’s right. A hundred shrill voices in unison, pumping out of a cinema PA at skin searing volume.
What more could you ask for in life, other than a no frills package holiday to Dignitas?
So what will this Glee movie entail? Will it be exactly like the series, only longer, more expensive looking and featuring more cameos? Or do the Glee kids indulge in a bit of Spring Break boozing and lesbianism in the name of getting some cheap beads while the lads chest bump and fall to the floor, shirtless in a Women In Love embrace?
Fleetwood Mac are more soap opera than band. They’ve taken so much cocaine that even listening to one of their LPs will erode your septum, leaving you looking like Michael Jackson in a sauna.
It is because of this that they still transfix us all. They’ve made some cool tunes, all had ill-advised sex with each other and generally disappeared up their own anuses for us all to titter at.
And now, they’ve made a little history (not seismic history you understand, rather, a slither of TV trivia) by becoming the first group to have an episode entirely devoted to one of their albums. Of course, no-one is stupid enough to devote a whole show to Tusk or Tango In The Night. We’re talking about Rumours, obviously.
There is something monumentally sinister about Glee. Those grinning, android toothed apple pies, all good-looking but slightly quirky, blankly staring down camera and hitting you with melodies so in-tune, that it feels like you’ve wandered into robot heaven.
Only without the fun circuit board jamming that they’ll actually have in robot heaven.
Of course, there’s something sinister about those that watch Glee as well. Those poor, wretched, hallowed out individuals that glare at their television sets, singing along to the songs they’ve heard somewhere before, in the time they had a life of friends and parties, now replaced by a toothy, thin girl, emoting one off all over the screen. And now someone has gone and popped the bubble by leaking a major bit of plot and everyone is slowly rising to their feet in anger – the first emotion they have felt since Glee swallowed them up.
Glenn Beck – the GG Allin of television* – isn’t likely to see his contract renewed by Fox. Imagine that for a second. Someone in the world who is deemed too nutso even for Rupert Murdoch. Staggering stuff.
So what can Glenn Beck do now? Have a cry about it? Roll around on the floor, masturbating into an American flag?
He might! And he might film it too! That’s because Glenn Beck is to take his brand of bug-eyed, frenzied gibberish onto his own network! If you can’t beat ’em, eat ’em! And we can only imagine the horrors that will unfold on GBTV.
