Jennifer Lopez has had a tricky life. She’s spoken openly about her abusive, alcoholic background which saw her struggling with alcohol problems herself. Her troubles hit the headlines in ’94 when she set fire to Andre Rison’s tennis shoes in a bath which ultimately burned down the mansion she lived in. After years of being a successful R’n'B singer, she died in a horrible car accident.

Hang on. That’s Lisa Left Eye Lopes.

Arse.

Jennifer Lopez, who isn’t dead, is in fact looking at a massive pay-cheque, $12 million no less, as she looks to have agreed to serve as a judge on American Idol’s 10th season. It has been rumoured for a while, despite shadowy elites trying to trash-talk her, and now, it’s all but formality.

After Simon Cowell decided to ditch the show, presumably because he hates the whole of America, there’s been some holes that have needed plugging on the show and, it would seem that this plug is exactly the same size as J-Lo’s famous bum.

Former Hecklerspray editor Ellen DeGeneres took his place on the show, but alas, it didn’t really work out because she wasn’t really offering the show anything that wasn’t already being said by fellow judge Randy Jackson.

What we’re saying here, under the thinnest of veils, is that she used to copy what he said and it was boring.

So, here comes Lopez who will hopefully be able to muster up an opinion of her own and, fingers crossed, find it within herself to be a real bitch when needed because that’s the whole point of the show – watching people’s dreams cruelly crushed on our television sets.

The pressure will be on for Lopez as her $12 million wage isn’t far from host Ryan Seacrest’s $15 million pay and trumps Randy Jackson’s $8million.

Seeing as Americans are also in the business of hiring talentless, loud-mouthed know-nothings from England, can we just point out that Hecklerspray is filled with idiots willing to be nasty for a fraction of the pay.

PLEASE.

DON’T MAKE US BEG YOU BASTARDS.

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Jennifer Lopez hasn’t been up to much lately… has she? Thing is, she stopped being mega famous a while back and only appeared in the columns when she was acting like a stroppy git. Or that’s what her detractors would have you believe.

This is, naturally, according to Her People who are implying that there’s some sort of shadowy cabal of shit-slingers who are trying to sabotage J-Lo’s attempts to become the next ‘American Idol’ judge.

Honestly – people in television and media are this paranoid. This is largely thanks to the huge amounts of cocaine they consume, which sees them holed-up and cackling wildly at imagined threats, shaking their fists at the horizon shouting “THEY WON’T BEAT US DOWN!”, despite the fact ‘they’ and ‘us’ are both imagined.

Yes indeed, the crackpots at FOX believe that enemies of the format show, as well as people who generally don’t like Lopez (despite the fact ‘Jenny From The Block’ was pretty good) are planting rumors about the star’s so-called “diva demands” before she gets to watch the ink dry on the dotted line.

Muttering idiots have been whispering in the ear of TMZ, saying that negotiations between the two parties have been “normal” and lovely, perfect, pleasant and other fluffy-wuffy words.

Basically, Lopez is a dead-cert to get the judges gig any day now.

Of course, this doesn’t stop the drip-drip of rumour that says J-Lo is stamping her feet in incredibly expensive shoes demanding more money than anyone can even count to.

Not to mention the fact that she was ‘demanding’ a movie deal to be included in any contracts.

Weirdly, Lopez only got offered the gig after some seriously famous old queens turned down the show, notably, Elton John and Barry Manilow, who are far too bloated to want a proper job sat near the general public.

In even stranger news, Simon Cowell’s replacement is Aerosmith lips-on-legs, Steven Tyler. He’s been spouting off to friends that he is replacing Cowell, which seems incredibly unlikely. Unless of course, they’ve got bags of painkillers for Tyler to neck from branded Coca-Cola cups on-set.

Anyway, if the rumours are all true, we could end up with a judges table that’s longer than the stage where the performances take place.

That would be stupid wouldn’t it? Although, not as stupid as anyone giving Piers Morgan a job. Any job. What Jennifer Lopez? Yeah. Her. Something or other.

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In this post-feminist landscape, beauty contests are more about displaying a united spirit of sisterhood than anything else – well, that and attacking your competitors with pepper spray to stop them winning, as Ingrid Marie Rivera has found out.

Ingrid Marie Rivera, you see, is going to be Puerto Rico's representative at next year's Miss Universe competition. But her journey has been fraught with more peril than anyone could have imagined because rather than Vaseline her teeth and make up a lot of bullshit about animals like all other wannabe Miss Universes do, Ingrid Marie Rivera had to cope with someone sabotaging her clothes and make-up with pepper spray before the show began. And by struggling through the pageant covered in hives and emerging as Miss Puerto Rico, Ingrid Marie Rivera has proved that nothing can stand before her ultimate goal of wearing a sash, smiling subordinately and being found attractive by Donald Trump for a year.

You might think that beauty contests are nothing more than awkward anachronisms that merely reduce women to subservient objects of male desire while offering the illusion of empowerment judged on nothing more than a series of intergenerational genetic flukes, but you would say that wouldn't you, fatty?

Because even though beauty contests are just jumped-up dog shows where you don't feel as suicidal if you find the winner attractive, people go crazy for them. Especially Miss Universe, where previous winners have subjected themselves to dresses made of chains and relentless Mexican jeers just so they can win the ultimate prize of being called the prettiest girl in the universe, travelling to hopeless war-torn environments to inspire the locals with their beauty and getting drunk, taking drugs and banging all the men. 

And people will do anything to even compete in Miss Universe – anything, it's transpired, including sabotaging your competitors with pepper spray attacks before they're due to go onstage.

That's what's happened in Puerto Rico, anyway – on Friday's beauty contest to find Puerto Rico's representative for Miss Universe 2008, the ultimate winner Ingrid Marie Rivera was forced to keep running backstage to change clothes and ice her face to stop it from swelling up, all because someone had doused her clothes and make-up with pepper spray. After she won, and revealed the torment she'd been through, Ingrid Marie Rivera said:

"It was a lot of sacrifice, and my tears were genuine. At one point, I asked, 'Am I a masochist?' But I said regardless of the results, this is my goal. The more rocks there are in my path, the more thanks I will give to God for sustaining me."

There's currently an investigation into who would dream of attempting to wreck Ingrid Marie Riviera's hope of winning the Miss Puerto Rico crown by covering her with pepper spray, and investigators have narrowed the culprit down to either a team member of one of Riviera's competitors or Dennis The Menace from The Beano.

And not only was there the pepper spray that Ingrid Marie Rivera had to endure, but also her bags and credit cards were reportedly stolen and a bomb threat cancelled some of the Miss Puerto Rico preliminary rounds.

But while the investigation into this sabotage continues, some important questions have to be asked. Like what would compel someone to cause another human being so much distress just because they might be slightly prettier than them? Is it a reflection of the increasingly competitive world we live in, or is it a sign that the media constantly inflicts unattainably high ideals on us that destroy our self-confidence as a result of our failure to meet them?

But perhaps the most important question is this: how frighteningly ugly must the other Puerto Rican beauty queens have been to let sobby old Ingrid Marie Rivera and her welty face win Miss Puerto Rico? We're guessing 'quite'.

Read more:

Puerto Rican Wins Beauty Contest Despite Sabotage – Reuters