Articles tagged with: Ryan Seacrest
American Idol: Simon Cowell Falls For Paula Abdul’s Self-Pity
Yesterday we said that Paula Abdul was probably going to leave American Idol. And she really was, too. She was going to leave. It wasn't just a dimwitted bluff to make American Idol pay her more money. Paula Abdul was definitely leaving American Idol. Unless the show decided to pay her a lot more money, in which case she'd consider staying. But it's not about money. Its about being treated with a basic level of human decency. And money. It's mostly about money. Anyway, Simon Cowell has revealed that he wants Paula Abdul to stay. That was probably our point.
Yesterday we said that Paula Abdul was probably going to leave American Idol. And she really was, too. She was going to leave. It wasn't just a dimwitted bluff to make American Idol pay her more money. Paula Abdul was definitely leaving American Idol. Unless the show decided to pay her a lot more money, in which case she'd consider staying. But it's not about money. Its about being treated with a basic level of human decency. And money. It's mostly about money. Anyway, Simon Cowell has revealed that he wants Paula Abdul to stay. That was probably our point.
Paula Abdul To Strop Off American Idol In A Boggle-Eyed Huff
As far as American Idol goes, Simon is the brain, Randy is the mouth and Kara is like the appendix or something. And then there's Paula Abdul. Paula Abdul is American Idol's beating heart. Admittedly it's a slightly terrifying heart that seems to be drunk a lot of the time and often shrieks to itself for no particular reason, but it's still a heart. What would American Idol be like without Paula Abdul? It'd be professional and consistent. And rubbish. But we'll see that next year, because Paula Abdul is about to quit American Idol in a pay dispute.
As far as American Idol goes, Simon is the brain, Randy is the mouth and Kara is like the appendix or something. And then there's Paula Abdul. Paula Abdul is American Idol's beating heart. Admittedly it's a slightly terrifying heart that seems to be drunk a lot of the time and often shrieks to itself for no particular reason, but it's still a heart. What would American Idol be like without Paula Abdul? It'd be professional and consistent. And rubbish. But we'll see that next year, because Paula Abdul is about to quit American Idol in a pay dispute.
Ryan Seacrest Employs Lindsay Lohan, Oddly Not As His Scarecrow
What's the first word that comes to mind when you think of Lindsay Lohan? We'll tell you. Inspirational. No, really. Inspirational is the first word that comes to mind when you think of Lindsay Lohan. It is. It is. It is. Shut up. It is. Alright, inspirational is almost the last word that comes to mind when you think of Lindsay Lohan, sandwiched between 'well-adjusted' and 'clothed'. But Ryan Seacrest clearly thinks that Lindsay Lohan is inspirational, because he's just hired her to be the judge of his new reality TV show, provisionally titled America's Next Top Harrowing Trainwreck Hasbeen.
What's the first word that comes to mind when you think of Lindsay Lohan? We'll tell you. Inspirational. No, really. Inspirational is the first word that comes to mind when you think of Lindsay Lohan. It is. It is. It is. Shut up. It is. Alright, inspirational is almost the last word that comes to mind when you think of Lindsay Lohan, sandwiched between 'well-adjusted' and 'clothed'. But Ryan Seacrest clearly thinks that Lindsay Lohan is inspirational, because he's just hired her to be the judge of his new reality TV show, provisionally titled America's Next Top Harrowing Trainwreck Hasbeen.
American Idol: See You Later, Iraheta
We have some breaking news. Apparently America likes speccy idiots who scream like bellends and are rubbish. It must do. Because on last night's American Idol Danny Gokey - the man with a face like a remedial-level bespectacled foot who had performed Aerosmith's Dream On in the style of a traumatised burns victim - wasn't eliminated. Instead, Allison Iraheta was told to pack her bags and instantly leave the public consciousness. Allison Iraheta did OK on American Idol, and she's young - she's got the rest of her life to consistently fail to reach the same heights before dying embittered and resigned.
We have some breaking news. Apparently America likes speccy idiots who scream like bellends and are rubbish. It must do. Because on last night's American Idol Danny Gokey - the man with a face like a remedial-level bespectacled foot who had performed Aerosmith's Dream On in the style of a traumatised burns victim - wasn't eliminated. Instead, Allison Iraheta was told to pack her bags and instantly leave the public consciousness. Allison Iraheta did OK on American Idol, and she's young - she's got the rest of her life to consistently fail to reach the same heights before dying embittered and resigned.
Is Britney Spears Pregnant Again? Oh Bloody Dear
Humanity could soon be wiped out by couple of Mexican pigs with the sniffles. But relax, Britney Spears is on it. If Ryan Seacrest is right, then Britney Spears plans to repopulate the planet in her image - she's apparently pregnant again. This means, in years to come, Britney Spears will be seen as Earth's new Eve figure - identical to the old Eve but with worse skin, madder eyes and, somehow, even fewer clothes. Anyway, Britney Spears is reportedly pregnant again. All that Eve stuff was a distraction to stop you howling in despair like we did when we found out.
Humanity could soon be wiped out by couple of Mexican pigs with the sniffles. But relax, Britney Spears is on it. If Ryan Seacrest is right, then Britney Spears plans to repopulate the planet in her image - she's apparently pregnant again. This means, in years to come, Britney Spears will be seen as Earth's new Eve figure - identical to the old Eve but with worse skin, madder eyes and, somehow, even fewer clothes. Anyway, Britney Spears is reportedly pregnant again. All that Eve stuff was a distraction to stop you howling in despair like we did when we found out.
Shark Eats Portion Of Ryan Seacrest
Just a portion though. Had the rest of him been eaten our headline would have been 100 times more sensational. You know, it probably would have read 'Shark Eats All Of Ryan Seacrest' or something. See what we mean? 100 times more sensational - that's the stuff people want to read. Had Seacrest been entirely consumed it probably would have been due to his utter refusal to preach Bible things to the Assyrians, whom we can all agree have been on a hot streak of wickedness in the past few weeks or so. He'd have to sit in the sharks belly just long enough to think about what it is he'd done, and sternly resolve to improve. Actually, at this point it is widely unknown if Seacrest's shark attack is a direct result of him offending the Almighty. We, however, having watched over ten minutes of last season's American Idol, are pretty sure it was. What more evidence can anyone ask for?
Just a portion though. Had the rest of him been eaten our headline would have been 100 times more sensational. You know, it probably would have read 'Shark Eats All Of Ryan Seacrest' or something. See what we mean? 100 times more sensational - that's the stuff people want to read. Had Seacrest been entirely consumed it probably would have been due to his utter refusal to preach Bible things to the Assyrians, whom we can all agree have been on a hot streak of wickedness in the past few weeks or so. He'd have to sit in the sharks belly just long enough to think about what it is he'd done, and sternly resolve to improve. Actually, at this point it is widely unknown if Seacrest's shark attack is a direct result of him offending the Almighty. We, however, having watched over ten minutes of last season's American Idol, are pretty sure it was. What more evidence can anyone ask for?
Ryan Seacrest To Possibly Inherit Larry King’s Swivel-Chair Throne
Larry King has been interviewing people with bad posture since he was two. That is to say his posture is poor – that of his guests is nothing less than perfect. They all sit there straight-backed with pinkies extended while flipping through etiquette books and properly addressing each piece of silverware. King's got a cooking show, right? No? But as we said – King’s been at this interviewing business for some time now – on his current show since 1985 if our sources are correct. But he can’t keep at it forever you know. If he’s ever going to dedicate himself to making more Jewish/Mormon hybrids he’s gotta act fast. He’s getting older – soon his ovarian tubes will shrivel, drying his man-milk reservoir to an endless low. Before long, for baby making he’ll have to rely solely on fluids drawn from Lake Michigan, which has a one-part spoo three-parts water ratio. And when he retires, who do you think will have the hunched-at-a-desk prowess, the swivel-chair stamina and the never-ending suspender collection to replace him? Why, Ryan Seacrest, apparently.
Larry King has been interviewing people with bad posture since he was two. That is to say his posture is poor – that of his guests is nothing less than perfect. They all sit there straight-backed with pinkies extended while flipping through etiquette books and properly addressing each piece of silverware. King's got a cooking show, right? No? But as we said – King’s been at this interviewing business for some time now – on his current show since 1985 if our sources are correct. But he can’t keep at it forever you know. If he’s ever going to dedicate himself to making more Jewish/Mormon hybrids he’s gotta act fast. He’s getting older – soon his ovarian tubes will shrivel, drying his man-milk reservoir to an endless low. Before long, for baby making he’ll have to rely solely on fluids drawn from Lake Michigan, which has a one-part spoo three-parts water ratio. And when he retires, who do you think will have the hunched-at-a-desk prowess, the swivel-chair stamina and the never-ending suspender collection to replace him? Why, Ryan Seacrest, apparently.
Gary Busey Tries To Explain His Berserk Oscars Weird-Out
Chances are you've woken up after a night out in the past and thought "Oh God, what did I do last night?"
And if that stuff you did included slathering kisses up Jennifer Garner's neck and verbally assaulting Ryan Seacrest on live global TV on the Oscars red carpet, then you probably know how Gary Busey has been feeling this week.
Except, no, you really don't. Because Gary Busey phoned Ryan Seacrest's radio show yesterday to explain his bizarre Oscars antics. And it turns out he's like that all the time.
