Fanboy idol Hugh Jackman knows when he puts on the mutton chops that he is onto a winner.

So much so that, now he’s back again as the Gillette razor clawed Wolverine, he’s barely made any effort to make this entry stick out from the rest of the franchise.

Let’s get one thing straight: This is better than X3: The Last Stand. Watching a lobster snip at your genitalia is a less gruelling experience. Not to say that Wolverine is a good film – not when it throws franchise continuity around with such reckless abandon. If you like Bryan Singer’s two-stroke masterclass in comic book movie-making, then you may feel slightly bemused after this film is finished chewing up the established Wolverine facts then spitting them out, forming a somewhat hairy mess.

This is, literally, the full origin story (don’t mention Japan); we see him as a bone-clawed child (Original trilogy continuity error #1: He was given claws according to X1 and 2), then whipped through every war before joining a crime fighting group in Africa. These early scenes are the most enjoyable, a miniature team of X-Men raiding a base and using all their powers is enthralling and exactly the type of dynamic a film like this needs. The bunch of mutants features a decent who’s who as well: Dominic Monaghan is great but all too brief in his Electro-like appearance. Ryan Reynolds notches another superhero movie on his bedpost and makes a good wise-cracking Deadpool and then there’s Will.i.am, some sarky Asian dude and a bloke who has popped up in Lost.

The team is lead by a young Striker (Danny Houston) – of whom you know from X2 as Weapon X leader – here representing none of the subtle repression of a man scorned by mutant atrocity on his family. Now he is a panto villain. One that looks like a young Gordon Brown, too. Joining him on the evil side of the fence is Sabretooth, once a little furry package in the first X-Men, now shaven down and possessing the ability to string sentences together. Here as Wolverine’s brother, he runs around killing people and little else. Shame, as Liev Schreiber is a decent character actor and playing a thug-for-hire role really doesn’t provide anything for him to grab hold of.

This film is called Wolverine, though, and any team angle is soon dropped to follow the hardest man in a vest since John McClane. Reliable as Jackman is, this is just a retread, trying so hard to explain everything that it feels redundant, like a greatest hits collection – getting his leather jacket, bike, claws, memory erased, bouffant etc.

When it isn’t concerned with doing this, it’s packing in the mutant cameos. As said before, the X-mercenaries make fleeting appearances and joining them is baby Cyclops, Prof. X, Blob and fan favourite Gambit.

Taking a step aside for a moment to discuss Gambit; on any level of conception it’s hard to understand the casting of the role. Not being a 33-year-old virgin, our X-Men knowledge is minimal, but from what we remember of the guy, he was a slick rogue with an edge. Not a blank-faced OC extra with as much charisma as a pickled onion.

The film is an average romp, having none of the intensity nor the atmosphere of Singer’s films but, thankfully, not being the hyperactive, overcooked turkey of X3. Jackman wears the role like a comfortable slipper but the script and idea are unfocused and what could have been a dark, distinctive film ends up repeating much of what has come before and becoming cameo reliant.

On Blu-Ray the film is packed with some great extras; a Stan Lee conversation, deleted scenes, commentaries and behind the scenes features. Along with the excellent picture and sound on Blu-Ray, it also comes with a copy on DVD and a digital copy for your ipod – a nice little package.

Wolverine is a neutered film, trying to appeal to kiddies can never make this mutant go full berserker. Unfortunately, this means that much like the rest of the film, it never gets its claws deep enough into the really good stuff.

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9 - A Russian girl with an AK-47. Not sexy – I Am Bored

8 - If Lost characters told the truth. Splendid – Cracked

7 - The best page on Amazon. Fact – Amazon

6 - Female? Like chocolate? Moronically susceptible to marketing? Then you’ll love this – NPR

5 - Just in case you were planning on getting any sleep tonight, here’s a news story with the headline ‘Daddy Ate My Eyes’ – Kget

4 - If Mike Tyson made motivational posters – Sploshspot

3 – Ryan Reynolds in ‘does something almost watchable’ shock – Funnyordie

2 - Most of the funny parts from 30 Rock, all on one page – Unlikelywords

1 – This is wonderful. Guess the song before the halfway point, please…

Sandra Bullock is getting deported.

She’s a Canadian you see, and far too many of them are flooding over the border to live off American prosperity. She’s also the nightmare boss of a huge corporation. The kind of she-wolf that you curse from your cubicle and makes you turn in your six-hour slumber.

Margaret Tate (Bullock) is getting deported and her least favourite employee, Andrew Paxton (Ryan Reynolds), is the perfect excuse for her to cling to power. Either Andrew agrees to marry her or he gets his ass fired.

Watch the ill-matched corporate couple and their hijacked marriage as it travels to Alaska to meet the family. Chaos ensues as Margaret and Andrew are forced to display affection and tango on the thin line between love and hate. Neurotic romantic comedy meets the ultimate immigration nightmare.

That’s unless you don’t care. Which you probably shouldn’t do, in fairness. After all, it’s not like you know Scarlett Johansson or Van Wilder, and you’d have to be a complete weirdo to like either of them enough to care about their potential children. Is that what you are? A weirdo? Is it? Want to know about Scarlett Johansson’s unborn babies, do you? You make us sick. Sick.

As it happens, Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want any babies yet. Are you happy now? Jesus.

After Konnie Huq, Joan Sims and Mark Owen from Take That, Scarlett Johansson is one of the most desirable women on the planet, and that’s something she’s painfully aware of.

Scarlett Johansson is so desirable that one-hit wonders want to kiss her with tongues. She’s so desirable that grown men will figuratively elbow each other in the face to get their hands on droplets of her disease-ridden mucus. She’s so desirable that she’s not even surprised when minor films stars who she’s been going out with for months propose to her.

Really, she’s not. That’s the one big revelation to come from an interview with Scarlett Johansson in this month’s Harper’s Bazaar. That and the not wanting babies yet thing. Are you still reading this? You are? Urgh, creepy. Anyway, here’s the quote:

“I wasn’t surprised. You say you can’t believe it, but of course you really can. Anyone being presented with a diamond ring, you just squeal with delight… I’m not pregnant nor will I be any time soon.”

That’s it. That’s literally the most thrilling thing that Scarlett Johansson said in the entire interview. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that Scarlett got married to Ryan Reynolds, it wasn’t a surprise to her when she did and she’s not having any children in the imminent future.

But why doesn’t Scarlett Johansson want to get pregnant any time soon? It’s certainly not because her vagina’s all clogged up with hepatitis, that’s for sure. So here, for no other reason that this is apparently newsworthy and we’ve got space to fill, are our top five reasons why Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want children…

1 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

2 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

3 – Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

4 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

5 - Scarlett Johansson is a man

We would have also accepted ‘Scarlett Johansson is still quite young’, ‘Scarlett Johansson doesn’t feel that her unsettled moviestar lifestyle would provide a baby with the right amount of security’ and ‘Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want to jeopardise her movie career by getting pregnant’. That last one, by the way, just shows how dedicated Scarlett Johansson is to the craft of making films that nobody particularly likes.

Are you still reading this? You’ve properly given us the creeps now.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

But who has Scarlett Johansson got married to? A king? James Bond? A philanthropic playboy billionaire? Pre-goose Fabio? No. Scarlett Johansson has got married to Ryan Reynolds – the man who you’ll probably recognise as the bloke you wanted to punch square in the face for the entire duration of that Definitely, Maybe film your girlfriend made you go and see.

Apparently Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynold’s wedding was a small, quiet affair attended by only a handful of people. That’s not to say that more people weren’t invited – they just never got round to replying because they’ve all been scratching their heads and going “Ryan Reynolds? Why?” ever since the invitations arrived.

When most people watched Van Wilder, their main thoughts were probably either “If this film doesn’t finish instantly I’m going to thumb my bloody eyes out,” or “Why am I watching a film that revolves around someone eating a doughnut filled with dog semen?” But not Scarlett Johansson.

When Scarlett Johansson saw Ryan Reynolds in Van Wilder, she thought “Who is this sexy hunk of sex photographing a bulldog getting wanked off into some cakes? I don’t care if his face is obviously too small for his head – he must be mine!”

And now he is. By some absurd quirk that we’re going to put down to either brain damage or long-term hypnosis, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds got married this weekend. People reports:

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds made it official with a wedding this weekend, Reynolds’s rep, Meredith O’Sullivan, confirmed to PEOPLE. Attended by only a handful of close friends and family, the ceremony was held at a remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver, B.C.

A remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver? Wait, that’s… isn’t that… all of Canada?

Anyway, this news isn’t a huge surprise, because Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds got engaged back in April. Back then, however, they both made out that it was going to be a long, relaxed engagement that wouldn’t result in anything for ages – not that they were going to wait five months, then run off to get married down the woods.

But still, as inexplicable as this wedding is, at least both Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds can look each other in the eye and know that they’re both a step up from their last partners. That’s because one of the last women Ryan Reynolds was with was Alanis Morissette, and after he dumped her she wrote an album all about what a twat he was. And one of the last people Scarlett Johansson was linked to was Justin Timberla…

OK, no, we take that back. Scarlett Johansson hasn’t done very well out of this marriage at all, has she?

According to reports, Scarlett Johansson and boyfriend Ryan Reynolds have just got engaged. And, while it’s nice to see that Scarlett and Ryan have decided not to follow the current celebrity trend of secret never-confirmed weddings, it’d probably be bigger news if Ryan Reynolds was a bit more, you know, famous.

Oh, we’re just kidding. We’re sure that Ryan Reynolds is as warm and caring as you could possibly hope for. The real question is what a catch like Ryan sees in a rich, talented, successful tit factory like Scarlett Johansson. Wonders will never cease.

It’s no secret that all women are madly in love with Ryan Reynolds. Well, they are once they’ve been told who Ryan Reynolds is and they’ve been shown a picture of him and it’s been explained several times that he isn’t actually Rob Scheider. Anyway, after all that they fall madly in love with Ryan Reynolds.

And the trick to snaring him is ridiculously easy. All you need to do is wail along to the sound of a tatty acoustic guitar and he’ll be dry-humping your leg by the middle eight. Honestly – Ryan Reynolds used to be engaged to Alanis Morissette, and he was just Scarlett Johansson’s boyfriend until she decided to release a weird-sounding album and now they’re engaged. Coincidence?

Well, yes. Probably. Anyway, Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are engaged and there’s nothing to do about it, other than angrily stalk Reynolds for stealing the woman who you imagine communicates exclusively with you in a secret code based on subtle cleavage adjustments. People reports:

After dating for more than a year, Scarlett Johansson is set to marry her boyfriend Ryan Reynolds, PEOPLE has learned exclusively.  “They’re both thrilled,” Johansson’s rep Marcel Pariseau tells PEOPLE. Reynolds, 31, currently filming the aptly named The Proposal in Boston with Sandra Bullock, recently popped the question to Johansson, 23. The couple have not set a wedding date.

Wow, Ryan Reynolds is really on the up and up. First he gets to star in a film with Sandra Bullock and now he’s engaged to a woman who almost certainly doesn’t have hepatitis? Throw in plans for a Van Wilder 3 and we’ll have to take the rest of the day off from chronic over-excitement.

And this engagement isn’t just a load of one-sided gratification on the part of Ryan Reynolds, either – Scarlett Johansson will get to experience plenty of joys as well. After all, Scarlett Johansson is one of the sexiest women in the world and literally has the pick of the most desirable men alive, and now that she’s effectively decided that the only man she’ll ever sleep with ever again is possibly most famous for that film where he wanked off a dog with some doughnuts, well, we’re sure she’s giddy with happiness.

Read more:

Scarlett & Ryan Engaged! – People

According to a ‘Stateside spy’ working under cover for the Daily Mail, their relationship has ‘hit a rough patch’. It seems Scarlett has been scared off by Ryan’s mentioning of babies and weddings. The spy said:

"Scarlett is younger and has no desire for a husband or family just yet."

What’s this? An A-list female celebrity who prioritises her career above procreation?

How refreshing.

The couple have been dating since last year, after Ryan's split from fiancée Alanis Morisette, and Scarlett’s two-year relationship to king of the uber-dullards, Josh Hartnett, had come to an end.

The spy went on to comment about rumours suggesting Scarlett, 23, had moved in with Ryan, 31, at his Los Angeles home:

"Scarlett hasn't moved in full-time. She has just moved in some of her stuff so that if she stays over she has some belongings there. She is very much focused on her career and is filming three movies back-to-back this year."

So, she's sort of moved in but hasn't really, which therefore means – as far as hecklerspray is concerned – that she's sort of available, but isn't. And 'sort of available' is enough for us.

Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett's window is slightly ajar. If we all combine forces we could wrench it wide-open, so far open that even a normal person like you could scuttle in. Only if you can out-charm hecklerspray first, of course.

If you're reading this, Scarlett, then come over here, darling, cos' hecklerspray's got a bottle of KY, three viagras and a pack of pork scratchings with your name on it.

To all pretenders to our throne – Good Luck.

Read More – Boyfriend's marriage hopes on hold as Scarlett's wedded to her career – Daily Mail