Is Russia a third world country? Perhaps – but lets review the indicators before we rush to judgment.

The first is that we’ve recently seen three television ads suggesting we send only 75¢ a day to what looks like a science-farm full of little bald Gorbachev clones. This doesn’t sound like much until you know an apparently overweight Sally Struthers was their spokesperson, and the children had flies crawling across their head-spots.

A second indicator to consider could be that their non-cloned population growth is so high they’ve begun to outsource for sperm donors.

Mel Gibson, apparently, was quick to oblige.

Mel Gibson’s longtime wife filed for divorce on April 13. At first everyone probably thought it was because she’d converted to Judaism and Gibson just couldn’t stomach the way she kept working the word dradle into all their conversations. He was probably like:

Seriously – how do you get from the rich moving plot points and the spot-on cinematography of Apocalypto to dradles again? She better not disrespect Mad Max like that.

Recently, however, a new cause for the Gibson-divvy has emerged – a cause far less racist. You see, Gibson’s new Russian girlfriend is currently growing 18 years of child support deep in the caverns of her belly. As TMZ puts it:

“We’ve learned Mel Gibson’s girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant with his child. Our sources say Gibson has already told his estranged wife, Robyn, and their children about the news. We’re told Oksana is in her second trimester.”

What’s that? Second trimester? And his wife only filed for divorce on April 13? Now we’re not mathematicians – but it’s beginning to look like Gibson had been sewing his royal oats a little before society’s current decrepit moral code allows. In fact – an Internet fetus-calculator just confirmed it. Gibson was getting busy on Russian girls (or girl) prior to the filing.

It’s his wife’s fault though, if you think about it. If she’d kept her ovaries lush and fertile the way he’d always told her she needed to then maybe he wouldn’t have had to drop sperm elsewhere. Now let that be a lesson to all of Mel’s future wives – keep those ovums young and springy.

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But apparently she of the lips fame does have time – not only time, but she also has the inclination to take roles that were initially meant for one Tom Cruise. Not content with stealing all the babies from the birthplace of humanity, it would seem that Angelina Jolie also wants to steal roles from Scientologists.

At least, that’s what it looks like on current evidence.

The long-touted but never actually made Edwin A. Salt is reportedly the film that Jolie will be taking the lead role in, with the title receiving a change as we would all expect. Edwina A. Salt doesn’t sound that good, mind, so hopefully they’ll put more thought into it than we have.

Not only will the title change, but the script itself is being redrafted to accommodate Angelina and her style. Which probably just means there will be more in the way of revealing thigh/cleavage shots than was originally intended – not many more though, as we’re sure the Cruiser wanted to show his rack off just as much as Jolie, but more nonetheless.

There may also be some re-writing for other reasons that we can’t even guess at, but the general story is likely to remain the same: CIA agent accused of being a Russian spy, has to elude capture long enough to establish his/her innocence. Sounds… formulaic. Oh well.

It does seem that Angie keeps on getting everything handed to her these days – from the $14 million for pictures of her tiny fleshbags, through the obviously necessary help and advice of everyone’s favourite knobend Bono and onto the fact that she’ll probably end up getting handed the Catwoman role, should the part ever get cast – the girl seemingly gets everything handed to her on a particularly sexy platter. Now put Tom Cruise’s job on that list.

The poor tiny man – his wife’s gone and done a runner, for a bit at least, he’s all alone and now he doesn’t even get to be a spy in a film he was supposed to be in for ages. It’s probably affected his thetan levels too, bless his little face. But hecklerspray can’t see Tom Cruise doing anything but a great big smile when he finally gets to show the world how great he is as a one-eyed Nazi.

As for Angelina Jolie, well – she would seem content with popping out sprogs, stealing sprogs from other countries, getting it on with Brad Pitt, forcing our stand-in editor to go on Sky News and talk about them in a thoroughly stupid, ill-informed and embarrassing fashion and taking roles off of possibly mental Scientologists.

Oh, and let’s not forget she’s taking part in an adaptation of Atlas Shrugged, too. But we’re not really qualified to comment on that one in our usual hilarious fashion, as the book is really big and full of words that we can’t be bothered trying to understand. Bloody Objectivism.

So no wonder Ronnie Wood has decided to check into rehab. After flying back to apologise for his exploits to his long-suffering wife, Ronnie has checked into a clinic to beat his drinking problem once and for all.

It sounds like a great idea, except that Ronnie Wood went to rehab to beat his drinking problem once and for all last month too, and that just made him run off to Ireland to get drunk with an unusually young Russian girl that he met in a sex club. So rehab is a brave move, because if the pattern holds he’ll be mainlining heroin with a three-year-old Serbian toddler by the end of the month.

The 12-step alcohol recovery process is a long and complex procedure that requires dedication and mental strength. This is something that Ronnie Wood knows only too well, because he’s just checked in for what’s believed to be his eleventh stint in rehab.

It doesn’t take a genius to work out why – for a week newspapers have been full of stories about Ronnie Wood’s boozy jaunt to Ireland with 20-year-old Russian cocktail waitress Ekaterina Ivanova, much to the alarm of his wife and kids.

Apparently Ronnie Wood was knocking back two bottles of vodka a day during this time, which sounds like a dangerous quantity but is actually just the right amount to calm Ronnie’s nerves after he catches a glimpse of his own terrifyingly gaunt vulture face poking out from under his godawful haircut in the mirror.

Anyway, Ronnie’s son Jesse recently flew out to Ireland to persuade his dad to see sense, and it seems like it’s worked – not only has Ronnie Wood vowed to save his marriage but he’s also checked into rehab for good, as The Independent reports:

In a statement, Wood’s spokeswoman said the rocker was being helped by those closest to him in an attempt to end his alcoholism once and for all. She added: “Following Ronnie’s continued battle with alcohol, he has entered a period of rehab. His close family and friends say he is seeking help and look forward to his recovery.”

While Ronnie Wood is in rehab he’ll also be treated for his addiction to Russian sex club waitresses young enough to be his granddaughter. It’s unknown what form this treatment will take, although it’s assumed that it’ll partially involves being strapped to a chair Clockwork Orange-style while library footage of the 1984 Soviet Olympic female track and field squad’s warm-up routine is beamed into his eyes in horrifying slow motion.

There’s a good chance that, finally, this shot at rehab will stick for Ronnie Wood and he’ll manage to live the rest of his life in a perfectly sober state. It’s unlikely, though, isn’t it? They say that you have to hit rock bottom before you have any hope of recovering, and spending a week in bed with a pretty Russian girl who’s probably good at sex to a professional degree hardly sounds like rock bottom.

Fingers crossed that next time Ronnie Wood runs off to spend a week in bed with someone it’s Jodie Marsh. That’d be rock bottom enough for anyone. It might be Ronnie’s only hope, in fact.

Things like, ooh, let’s say, the fact that you’ve been married to a non-Russian who isn’t a cocktail waitress for longer than your new conquest has been alive. It’s perfectly natural, so it’s perfectly understandable that that’s exactly what Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood seems to have been doing lately.

But no more. According to reports, Ronnie Wood has decided to return to the UK and plead for forgiveness with his wife Jo. It’ll be an important moment for both of them, but if Jo can find it in her heart to forgive Ronnie Wood then at least he’ll know she’ll probably forgive him the next time he picks up a skanky-looking Russian girl in a prostitute club too. Like we said, important.

We’ve never really given too much time to Ronnie Wood. That’s partly because he looks exactly like one of the Skeskis out of The Dark Crystal in a Chuckle Brothers wig and it freaks us out, and partly because he hadn’t ever done anything interesting, like, say, run off to Ireland on a booze-soaked sex holiday with a hollow-faced Russian 20-year-old he met at a notorious Soho sex club.

Luckily, though, that’s exactly what Ronnie Wood has been doing lately. Welcome aboard Ronnie. Welcome aboard.

According to all reports everywhere, Ronnie Wood has been drunkenly holed up in Ireland with Ekaterina Ivanova, a young Russian girl who’s a waitress or an escort or something, causing his wife Jo to inform him that their marriage is over.

Yeah, OK old lady. Nice one on deciding that you’re leaving your husband about a week after he’s starting having it away with a girl who a) is 33 years younger than you, b) has an exotic accent and c) is so good at sex that she quite possibly gets paid to do it. Way to empower yourself, sister.

However, the ploy might have worked, because now The Sun is claiming that Ronnie Wood has flown home from Ireland to try and patch things up with his wife:

The Rolling Stone, 61, caught a private plane out of Ireland after a heart-to-heart with son Jesse, 30. The guitarist, wearing his wedding ring and visible through a porthole, cannot accept his life with wife Jo, 53, is over and will plead with her to take him back.

Will Ronnie be able to win Jo round? Nobody can be sure, but at least Ronnie has one thing on his side – the new range of Hallmark ‘Sorry I had a giant alcoholic relapse and ran off to a different country to embark on an ill-advised love affair with a Russian girl who’s three times younger than me and possibly involved in the sex trade, wife of 23 years’. They almost seem tailor-made for Ronnie Wood’s predicament.

But let’s be positive here, and hope that Jo Wood takes pity on Ronnie and forgives him. She probably will, because any woman who can put up with her husband having a haircut like that for two decades can’t have all that many standards, can she?