Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Last week was exciting wasn’t it? Did you all get Valentine’s gifts and do that sex thing with someone?attractive? ?Of course you didn’t, you were all too busy trying to survive another week on Earth, like a load of spotty, overweight extras in a JJ Abrams movie.
So well done for not getting eaten by dinosaurs and let’s rush on and see what terrible things await you this week. Even if death isn’t on the cards, it’s going to be brutal.
Trust us. We’re all kinds of spooky.
It would be stupid to expect you to wander through life without a little guidance. ?Life is tricky and you can’t be expected to work everything out for yourselves. Especially you at the back there, with the tears and snot-bubbles.
So once again, our Queen of the Runes, Jo Bolouri, looks at the stars to provide you with a cheat-sheet for the next week of your life, helping you to fulfill you.
Shall we see what the stars are saying you gullible, gullible shitcarriage?
This week hecklerscope has been tirelessly fiddling with the planets in order to bring you a completely accurate and not at all fictional account of what lies in store for you this week and all?because?in our own way, we love you.
You’re like the children we never wanted.
Ready to be dazzled and amazed? Well are you? You’d better be because reading the movements of celestial bodies is thirsty work (please send alcohol to numb this awful weight which we carry, okay?).
Now it’s time for our weekly stroll through the astrological plane in our frighteningly accurate section called Hecklerscopes.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
Your mum introduces you to your long lost identical twin. The?resemblance?is uncanny and all you can think is ‘Christ he’s ugly.’
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
You’ll be pleased to know that your girlfriend is NOT sleeping with her workmate. No, she’s sleeping with your workmate. ?Sorry.
What’s this? You’ve managed to survive another week? ?Congratulations! Now look, we’re the first to admit that we sometimes get it wrong. But not this week. This week, we’re bang on. Trust us. ?We’d never lie to you. Let’s look at what rotten luck awaits you this week. It’s your own fault for being born.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
The planets are playing a song for you …’Love is a stranger in an open car, to tempt you in and drive your far away’…sorry, not love. Abduction. We recommend staying in this week.
Once again, we’re here to bring you amazing insights into your life! Aren’t you lucky?? Well, actually no. Probably not.?Were our predictions correct last week? Of course they were, we don’t just make this stuff up you know.
?This is science.
You probably thought it was all mumbo-gumbo, but when did anyone ever accuse Prof. Brian Cox or Patrick Moore of mumbo-gumbists? No, like us, they are properly scientific when they stare at the stars. And so, let our gravitational pull deflect advice your miserable, miserable way.
Welcome to 2012 you losers!! Think this year is going to somehow be better for you because you made some pitiful resolutions about being less onanistic and getting a real job? ?Pfft.?Unlikely.
We’ve been staring into the new crystal ball we got for Christmas, conversing with the stars and even dancing with tears in our eyes, just to bring you a completely accurate and poorly written insight into your?miserable?lives.
Ready? Hit the jump!
Derek Acorah, Colleen Rooney and Jennifer Ellison. What does these people all have in common? They?re all gigantic dicks. Dicks that are so bulbous that slightly less dense objects, like Abbey Clancy gravitate towards them and start to orbit them. Like the rest of the Sun and Pluto. (Did you know that the galaxy is secretly pleased that Pluto got downgraded from Planet status? The interstellar bitches).
Purely by coincidence, they all happen to hail from Liverpool! What’s more there are now a whole new batch of people hailing from the city that are equal, if not bigger dicks than all the “voices” in Derek Acorah?s head. You know, the ones that he pretends he hears for money.
Those people are being showcased as part of E4?s latest ?scripted reality? show, Desperate Scousewives. Yes. It does sound like Desperate Housewives. Isn't that funny and clever?
Ah, Wembley Arena. That great big, soulless, cavernous hole in the suburbs of London. Nowhere?s better at sucking all joy out of an event. And this week, it got to consume all atmosphere from a Very Special Strictly Come Dancing.
Yes, this week Strictly decamped to an overhyped aircraft hanger in aid of Children in Need. They?d sold tickets for the kids, or something. Despite everyone's forced enthusiasm, it was pretty much the same as always. Except that our remaining celebs found themselves faced with a dancefloor six times bigger than normal, so the dance routines involved more running about than usual.
It’s time for hecklerspray psychic and astrologer person Joanna Bolouri to guide you through the next week and possibly ruin it entirely. She doesn’t care. Nope. Not even a little bit.
Think the planets care either? Really? Do you think that the planets care one jot about you and your life?
Wrong again.
