Even though Katy Perry and Russell Brand’s marriage was something of a surprise, one good thing about it was that their idiocy was self-contained. They could spend time together being irritating toward each other, occasionally giving us plebians a rest. However, they went and spoiled it all.

Since the couple split, they’re about to unleash their OOOH AREN’T I DIFFERENT AND FUNNY AND QUIRKY on the world again, however, now it’ll be ramped up because they have something to prove to each other.

So now, the circus of who Brand and Perry will try and have sex with next is rolling into town. So step up the most irritating actress of a generation and a farcical god-fearing American footballerist!

First up, we have Katy Perry. There’s a preposterous rumour going around that she’s having a romance with Tim Tebow. If you don’t know who Tebow is, then all you need to know is this: He plays American football for the Denver Broncos and he’s hilariously Christian. Seriously. To say he has a propensity for getting down on one-knee and thinking about God is an understatement. So frequent are his prayers that he’s probably shaved three years off his sporting career, slowly eroding his left praying knee.

Well, Perry dedicated a song to him at a pre-Super Bowl gig. Apparently, Perry’s mother is very keen to get her daughter with Tebow because she believes him to be ”handsome, charming, intelligent and above all, a good Christian.”

With that, Perry dedicated her song Peacock to him. She then proceeded to sing…

“I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock, your peacock, cock.”

Jesus H. Christ.

So what’s Brand doing? Well, he’s apparently got his sights set firmly on Zooey Deschanel. Not only does Zooey look a bit like Katy Perry, but she’s also a simpering fan of The Smiths, just like Brand. They can sit around listening to cod-poetic lyrics and coo about Johnny Marr’s hair.

A source told OK! magazine (massively trustworthy):

“Russell has had his eye on Zooey for a long time. And he’s been sending funny, flirty texts to see if they can get together. He thinks she’s hysterically funny and cute, too. He loves her quirky sense of humour, and thinks they’d be great together both on-and off-screen. There’s a real spark there.”

Whatever happens, we’ll probably all get to hear about it in a new version of Brand’s Booky Wook.

Now, can a government pass a law where we can round these four people up and have them flogged to death on a hillside for us all to see?

The big Christmas celeb-story was the Katy Perry/Russell Brand divorce announcement. For tabloids it had everything- she’s a lipstick lesbian and his addictive personality means that there has to be something either up his nose or on his dick at all times.

It’s been the latter for years now which has made him the thinking woman’s sexual predator of choice and a tabloid favourite.

What the tabloids don’t like is not having the sleazy details.

So January had a running commentary of updates and scoops based on almost no information whatsoever.

On the 2^nd January, the Daily Mail reported that:

“The comedian is in line for the huge lump sum in a 50/50 split of the couple’s earnings even after just 14 months of marriage.”

Had he expressed the slightest interest in doing this? No, and since he has a perfectly successful career speaking eloquently about grand themes and his ballbag, it is unlikely to happen either.  So what is the story actually telling us? Well the original article, before editing, actually read

“Wen a man and a ladie dont luv each other anymor they have a divorse and sumtimes wun ov them wants half of the things the other one hav. I no sum peepel calld katy and russel and they am getting divorsd.”

On Wednesday The Mirror showed a picture of Russell Brand taking off his wedding ring in a promotional video. You may think it was simply part of a joke about meeting college girls on a forthcoming tour (principally because it was). Think again, you sweet naifs. It could actually mean one of two things because it has caused speculation that

“it either caused the split or they had already parted before it was made”.

They couldn’t even be bothered to decide which story to go with! Maybe one day all newspapers will do this and read like 1980s Fighting Fantasy game books.

“If you think the reason for the recession is the financial policies of the previous Labour government please turn to page 4. If you feel that it is the inevitable result of a profit-driven capitalist system please turn to page 7.”

They could then appeal to everyone’s prejudice and ideology simultaneously and consequently sell more copies!

The Sun inserted their own motive into Perry’s actions when reporting on the 11^th January that Katy Perry wasn’t going to attend the People’s Choice show

“as she gets over her split from hubby Russell Brand, where she is nominated for two awards”

(which made it even more impressive when they reported the next day that she had won five).

More award ceremony attendance news could be found on the Daily Mail’s website on the 16^th when they reported that Russell Brand had arrived in LA for the Golden Globes and had eaten a meal. Or as they phrased it

“Russell Brand dined alone late last night in Los Angeles while trying to gather his thoughts ahead of a meeting with his estranged wife.”

Presumably they had despatched Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock Holmes to cover the storythrough observation and deduction

“You are eating alone, so are currently single. You have a tan line where you recently removed a wedding ring, probably for a recent promotional video for a forthcoming tour, so the split is permanent. There are remnants of blue hair dye on your trousers so I deduce you were married to pop star fembot Katy Perry who recently cancelled her appearance at the People’s Choice Awards. You have stopped talking about your winkie for ten minutes so must be gathering your thoughts before some kind of stressful meeting, probably with the estranged Katy Perry”.

If using wiki is research for the 21^st century, then looking at Twitter is what passes for investigative journalism. So on 21^st January with the info-well run truly dry the Mail reported that Perry had ‘unfollowed’ Brand which is surely the most desperate excuse for a story yet.

They also explained how Perry felt about the break-up by using quotes by ‘sources’. Unfortunately the only quote they could attribute to Perry herself was a tweet where she stated that no-one speaks for her. By that she did of course mean no-one aside from journalists and anonymous-definitely-not-made-up journalistic sources.

Christians eh? They never say the right thing do they? That’s probably because they seek advice from a made-up God. You may as well ask Sooty to whisper wisdom in your ear or seek teachings from the sound of a conch shell.

And two Christians – notably the ones that gave birth to Katy Perry – have irritated their famous daughter by saying that her split with Russell Brand ain’t all bad because, as a result, there’s been increased interest in their missionary.

How delightful. Of course, the outspoken Katy isn’t having that and has tweeted a missive against them, or so it seems. It’s okay though. She can say what she wants. That’s because Christians are contractually obliged to forgive everyone, no matter what.

Over the weekend, Perry took to Twitter to speak publicly for the first time since the split. She wrote:

“I am so grateful for all the love and support I’ve had from people around the world. You guys have made my heart happy again.”

So far, so celebrity-humble. However, it didn’t last long and the paranoid glare of someone surrounded by the deafening chatter from beyond the velvet rope reared up.

“Concerning the gossip, I want to be clear that NO ONE speaks for me. Not a blog, magazine, ‘close sources’ or my family.”

Get that mom and dad? You can shut your stupid Christian cake-holes! You might wanna try being a bit more Buddhist about it and using your daughter’s grief as a time of quiet, introspective reflection instead of talking to the press.

Although, don’t stop entirely. We’ll have nothing to write about then.

We shouldn’t worry though because, the reality of it all is, Brand and Perry will now be in a race to see who can have the most public shag or orgy as they bid to get first to the punch. It’s going to be brilliant, then irritating, then kinda sad and ultimately, of no importance to any of us while they both slide into obscurity.

When an ex-serial sex pest and constantly touring pop star get married, you can be assured that everything will end happily ever after, can’t you? With constant media coverage covering their every move like they’re some sort of wild animal, what could go wrong for Katy Perry and Russell Brand?

You have to question the actions of a couple who haven’t been together long since their Hindu ceremony just over a year ago. Not because we have anything against a religion that prays to elephants, but Katy Perry’s parents are devout Christians. So you’d at least think that her folks would want God to give the thumbs up over Ganesha.

As of yet, there have been no reasons given as to why the marriage collapsed. But before anyone suggests that the two simply drifted apart, wild theories are already being thrown around. Of course, we’re inclined to believe them, so imagine our surprise that Rihanna’s name has been named as one of the rotters who messed everything up.

Doing a piece of detective work based on pure lyrical logic, we are going on a hunch that Katy Perry kissed a girl and liked it. Presumably, her husband Russell Brand didn’t and subsequently filed for divorce. Though we imagine it was done by his PA or faxed through.

So where does Rihanna fit into all of this? 2011 saw her release a new single every 36 seconds and tour a record number of cities that she’d never heard of. HELLO MANCHESTSHIRE! Well it appears the crazy and up-for-anything Russell Brand has calmed down a helluva lot. Gone are the days when he shot junk and dressed as Osama Bin Laden for work. Instead, free range organic tea is his poison of chance. Rihanna doesn’t approach life calmly. In fact, she might have been partying too hard with Katy Perry leading her to a path that Brand disapproved of. According to reports:

“Russell didn’t like his wife hanging out with the sexy singer because the women used to party together. And Russell, being a recovering heroin and sex addict, didn’t think the friendship between Katy and the singer from Barbados was good for their marriage.”

Everybody likes a good party don’t they? Even we’ll try and hide the usual miserable expression on our faces for something people call a “smile” when the opening shapes of the conga are thrown. But if the same reports are to be believed, the situation might be a little awkward:

“Rihanna called and texted Katy all throughout the New Year’s Eve weekend, perhaps influencing her on what to do and where to go to stay out of the limelight. If this is the case, the superstar may have influenced Katy to give up on her marriage and move on as a single woman. And maybe that’s why Katy has been spotted happy in Hawaii, while Russell is looking gloom in London.”

Trust us; they’ll be some sort of musical retort to this marriage breakdown. There’s no doubt that Katy Perry will enlist her pal Rihanna to re-record this nineties classic with directly altered lyrics to show Russell Brand who’s boss:

Hey! Did you hear about Russell Brand and Katy Perry spending Christmas away from each other? They haven’t been married very long have they? You’d think they’d want to spend the festives (aka Some Time Off Work) together, right?

Well, aside from the myriad of perfectly legitimate reasons why this happened, they’re quite obviously splitting up.

Why? Because that’s what everyone wants. Basically, they’ve got the temerity to appear rather fond of each other. Mercifully, there’s a source on-hand to tell us all otherwise, which is incredibly convenient.

The pair had apparently planned for Katy’s family to get whisked to London via private jet for the holidays, but alas, Perry changed her mind and decided instead, to faff around in Hawaii with her friends.

The source says:

“They had a massive fight. She was like, ‘F–k you. I’m going to do my own thing.’ Russell replied, ‘Fine, f–k you too.’”

So that’s why Katy Perry was papped in a bikini while frollicking around in the Pacific Ocean off Kauai without her wedding ring! That’s why Brand was sat in a pub in Coverack, Cornwall!

Of course, previous stories about this pair have been about pregnancy and near constant reminders of Brand’s former penchant for heroin, but alas, as relapses and baby-bumps weren’t fast enough, we’ve had to focus our attentions on looking for cracks to form in their relationship.

That source again:

“They haven’t split up just yet, but things are not good. The fighting is getting worse.”

Why?

“Katy doesn’t think Russell respects her parents’ Christian beliefs or her friends.”

WILL THEY SPLIT IN 2012?! God, we hope so! And if they could time it with a quiet news day, that would be ideal! Many thanks, The Media.

When celebrities get married, everyone turns into meddling grandmas, demanding offspring because our lives are so hopelessly empty that we need that brief moment of alleviating joy, lived vicariously through someone else.

Christ knows no-one wants to actually have sex with us, let alone have our children, right?

And the latest couple getting their groins shoved toward each other are Katy Perry and Russell Brand. They basically look like they’re having far too much fun as a couple and, as such, we must make them mature into parents… indeed, we must halt their leisure time immediately with shitty nappies, sleepless nights and silent seething.

And so, with the world staring at the stomachs of every female celebrity on Earth, expectantly, some have noticed that Katy Perry is looking slightly more rotund than usual.

THIS MEANS SHE IS, WITHOUT DOUBT, PREGNANT.

Or, she really needs a big poo. You may mock, but the latter is actually closer to the truth. You see, we suspect Perry and Brand to be indulging in something of a sham marriage which helped her to break the British market and help him get work in America.

Basically, they’re not even sexing each other so how is she going to get pregnant? As such, she’s keen to quash these rumours and told everyone that, basically, she’s greedy.

When asked if she was expecting her first baby with Russell Brand, the chinny hitmaker replied:

“Hell no!”

“I like In-N-Out Burger and Taco Bell and if you want to make that pregnant that’s your problem. I still love drinking alcohol, so not yet.”

So there you have it. Katy Perry isn’t pregnant because she’s actually living a life of junk food and copious amounts of booze.

Basically, she’s behaving like she’s from absolutely anywhere in Britain.

Remember Rentaghost? Rentaghost was brilliantly awful. It was all camp and terrible graphics (they were probably decent at the time, but for those who saw the repeats, the clunky special effects only added to its eccentric charm) and had one of the best theme tunes ever.

The show was about a company that found work for ghosts. The main star was the leggy madman, Timothy Claypole, a jester with a comical lack of knowledge about the modern world.

And Ben Stiller is going to shatter our memories by turning it into a dreadful, dreadful film.

That’s right folks. Ben Stiller is going to take Hazel the McWitch, Nadia Popov, Dobbin and Catastrophe Kate and turn them all into gurning simpletons, rather than the charming oddballs which we all loved way back when.

Stiller will thrown handfuls of his own dung at the project with his ‘Night at the Museum’ writers Tom Lennon and Robert Ben Garant.

The film is most likely to focus on Stiller playing the role of a US consultant sent to the UK to help reinvigorate the failing firm, a role that was initially lined up for Russell Brand.

Of course, Brand should be considered for the role of Timothy Claypole, thanks to being made entirely of legs, but that’s unlikely.

Naturally, this won’t mean a damn thing to 90% of readers because they’re either too young or not from the UK.

Or, worse still, they’re massive Ben Stiller fans. It makes us sick.

SICK.

Now, let us cry in unison at the theme song from the original show.

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Russell Brand has opened his mouth and let a load of words come out that have made disabled people either cry, or want to viciously beat him up with their angry, angry fists.

Has he ill-advisedly said that Katy Perry looks ‘a bit special sometimes’?

NO! Don’t be an idiot. He’s called Paralympic athletes “novelty ­value”, which is nice of him isn’t it? This, naturally, has made a thousand unprintable jokes run through the head of team ‘spray which is most infuriating.

Just 2 days after Sith Lord Coe patronised the International Paralympic Day, Brand decided to make a funny with his brain and share it with the world who had long stopped listening.

During a gig, the man with American equine teeth, said:

“I don’t give a f*** about the Olympics. It’s boring Blue Peter sport and a waste of taxpayers’ money.

“At least the Paralympics have some kind of novelty value or something.”

This caused Paralympians to sharpen their guns.

David Weir, who is some kind of athlete with a load of medals, said:

“Calling the sport a novelty is offensive. It’s not like I get up, do one ­marathon then go to bed for the rest of the year. I train every day – I am no different to Paula Radcliffe. Brand obviously hasn’t met any Paralympians. If he did he certainly wouldn’t call any of us a novelty.”

And Weir clearly hasn’t met a stand-up comedian who might say things they really don’t mean, just to get a laugh (even if it’s a little careless or irresponsible).

It’s at this point, we’re legally obliged to bring up Sachsgate, where Brand took the piss out of an old man who used to be on Fawlty Towers.

Either way, you can remember this story and, in the future, use it as a reason to hate him amongst your friends who really like him, saying things like “Sorry, I just don’t like comedians who hate disabled people”

You’re welcome.

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