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The world used to love Daniel Radcliffe. For he was Harry Potter. From when he was just a sperm to when he sprouted his first pube Radcliffe made a spectacular living from swanning about shouting dodgy Latin while pointing a twig at things. And we gobbled it up like the suckers we are.
But no more!
The world has got together and decided to take a giant steaming dump of rejection on Radcliffe’s snowy white shag-pile carpet of self worth. WE DON’T LOVE YOU ANY MORE MR WIZARD!
We all love the Harry Potter don’t we? The books are the perfect way to get kids reading and introduces more morbid elements of death and orphans in a child-friendly manner. The films are great hangover fodder, and are one of the biggest British export since Katie Price’s vagina.
All the children on them look so happy to be acting with them don’t they? Look at those cherub faces. Not knowing what real life will hold for them after the films finish. We heard that the girl who played Pansy Parkinson is teetering on a total K-hole after taking a great big E through her eyes. They’ll be friends for life once they all have a whip round and throw an intervention for her.
We’re romantics at heart aren’t we?
Thousands of Harry Potter fans with nothing better to do decided to stand in a queue all night while the heavens opened on them, making them wetter than Ron Weasley’s demeanour. Trafalgar Square is now overrun with Potterists with the local council considering exterminating them like rats as they breed in the streets, birthing runts diseased with magic.
Of course, these poor souls stood beneath the rainclouds ahead of the world premiere of the final instalment of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (pt 2), posing the question – why not wait a couple of weeks and watch it online where you won’t get pneumonia from sleeping like tramps in the road?
Naturally, they’ll be hanging around to see the cast, which includes recovering alcoholic Daniel Radcliffe and Emma ‘Are We Still Calling It A New Haircut?’ Watson. It’ll be thrilling for the stars to meet their fans, who will, by the time it gets to this evening, smell so bad that even a botfly would vomit in their presence, refusing to lay their eggs in the foetid skin of the Potterites.
Daniel Radcliffe seems like a nice chap doesn’t he? That’s despite that fact he got naked once and showed everyone his ghastly, sinewy, gym-honed body which made him look like a pale He-Man figure (didn’t see it? Click here at your peril).
How does someone get the confidence to derobe before the public’s eyes? Easy. Get absolutely hammered ’til your liver starts to hurt.
See, what you didn’t know about the Harry Potter star is that he had a drink-problem. These days, he’s tee-total. The odd thing about that is, is that he’s no more or less interesting than he was when he was hitting the sauce with an impressive regularity.
Howdy pardners! Emma ‘YeeHaw’ Watson is in the good ol’ U S of A to work on her American doodle dandy accent for a role in ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’, which is one of those varmint adaptation of the hella controversial book doobry about teenage life and sexuality.
Whyayeoudda!
As you critters can see, we Limeys are rootin’ and tootin’ when it comes to doing the American accent! We can all do the New Yoik accent too. We even have the punchline, but not the joke, for a New Yoik accent joke about dolphins. The punchline is ‘they were suffering from crossed porpoises’. And so, like, Emma Watson will like, toootally be great at doing, like, an American accent, like. She ain’t so sure.
In a shocking revelation this week, pop entity Cheryl Cole laid down the gauntlet to that lassie from Harry Potter that it’s now all right to fancy, Emma Watson. Harry Potter girl has been accused by former Girls Aloud star and alleged racist Cheryl of stealing her Style Crown, given to her by Glamour Magazine for being the world’s best dressed woman
The Harry Potter star has topped Glamour’s 9th Annual Best Dressed Woman List, beating renowned malaria sufferer Cole and Twilight actress Kristen… Kristen… uhh… yeah, that lassie out of Twilight to the top spot.
The other female X Factor judge Dannii Minogue also makes the most pointless top 10 list since a hecklerspray advertorial along with Rihanna and some bimbo from Glee.
Oi! People who like Harry Potter! It’s the trailer for the thing you’ve all been waiting for! That’s right kiddiekins (and adultkins as well), the final instalment from Hogwarts is upon us with Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 2 looking rather explodey.
In the trailer, which you can see over the jump, you’ll see Harry squaring up to Lord Voldemort who still hasn’t found his nose. No matter though, because what the baddies lack in noses, they make up for with gigantic fire-breathing monsters.
And the flick seems to be keen to go out with a bang, which is remarkable seeing as the early books/films were so twee. This is going to give some kids nightmares. And nightmares are great.
The stars of Harry Potter are all grown up now. Since JK Rowling stopped writing about wizardry and magic potions that are just a simple cover for a meth lab, film work for the main characters looked to be drying up. But instead of pouring pints in a generic Eastenders/Corrie pub soap, the main trio of stars have pulled their resources together.
Only a couple of weeks ago, Emma Watson got her mop sheared and this pulsating career change literally caused Twitter to melt in excitement. She also modelled some clothes which her fans will eventually buy when Primark makes a cheaper version.
The main star of the franchise, Daniel Radcliffe continued to work in the magic industry by using his penis as a magic wand and dangling it around on stage in Equus, producing his own love brew. But if you expected fellow co-star Rupert Grint to follow suit, you’d be sadly mistaken. Read More >>>
