rumours - HecklerSpray

Britney Spears Might Be The New Nicole Scherzinger

March 1st, 2012 By Robin Darke

It’s not very often that the inhabitants of the hecklerspray bedsit have cause to say something nice about Britney Spears.

If she isn’t going mental with an umbrella and a pair of hair clippers then she’s screeching around Los Angeles with babies hanging under each arm like some kind of irresponsible sloth. And all that doesn’t even broach the Sam Lufti issue.

So it’s with some, we’re presuming, pride that we can sort of announce that Britney Spears is in talks to become one of the new judges on Simon Cowell’s pet project, X Factor USA. We say we’re presuming because like Miss Spears, we too were emotionally stunted by the lack of parental affection.

Readers’ Letters: “A Troll Calls” Or “Learning To Be Alone”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Like Chris Brown in a boxing gym, we’re not surprised to see that you’ve come back for more.

Of course, the outraged backlash against our good pal Breezy has seen #TeamBreezy go into remission, hiding around the corner, waiting to spread into our lymph nodes as soon as we let our guard down. That’s not to say that Chris Brown and his sycophantic legion of slack-jawed domestic abuse apologists are a cancer of the world of entertainment. That would be potentially libellous.

They are though.

Assassin’s Creed 3 Announced, One Christmas Present Sorted

February 17th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Wasn?t it fantastic leaping from roof to roof in Constantinople? Diving from high towers into the river, only to miss and fall into a broken heap, slowly soiling yourself until you died alone and weeping?

It was the stuff of movies, if those movies had troubling control mechanisms and some rather heavy looking armour. Well that's what Assassin?s Creed: Revelations was all about. What it also did, was to bring the story of Altair and Ezio Auditore to a vague kind of conclusion ready for whatever Ubisoft gave us in the next installment.

Well good news everyone who’s still interested! Assassin?s Creed 3 has officially been given a release date. Of October 30th 2012. A full 10 months away. But apart from the title, and the date, what else do we know?

Readers’ Letters: “This Ignorant Little Twit’s Opinion Doesn’t Matter” Or “A Cacophony Of Verbose Morons”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Every week it’s the same, nothing ever really changes. We come into the hecklerspray bedsit on a Monday morning, having been released to poison the outside world over the weekend, and find the same stinking pizza boxes, the same drained bottles of methylated spirits and the same greasy,?ignominious faces staring at us across the room.

Our ‘colleagues’ as we laughingly refer to them are actually lawyers who, down on their luck after losing a Tax Evasion case, have rented out the far corner of the bedsit which is sometimes known as “The Fred West Wing”. They look ill. Lawyers always look ill.

Perhaps it’s the smell which is putting them off their writs. The festering stench of the opposite corner, marked out by a laminated card which- in odious Comic Sans- reads “POST”. It’s enough to make anyone sick to their stomach.

Alan Moore Is Writing More League of Extraordinary Gentlemen But Still Hates DC Comics

February 6th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Everyone just take a deep breath for a minute. We understand that you all feel hurt and that something like this could have happened; we know, we know, it means a lot to all of us. None of us wanted this to happen, but different people have different opinions of things.

It's not the end of the World. We all liked Watchmen, even you lot at the back who say that the book is one of the greatest novels ever written and that Zach Snyder should be repeatedly anally violated with laminated copies of The Beano in penance for his heinous crime. Yes yes, the giant alien octopus is a much better plot point than the threat of nuclear war. Of course.

Readers’ Letters: “THIS IS MEANT TO BE A WEBSITE?!” Or “How To Make Friends With Morons”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

It’s Friday and the hecklerspray bedsit has breathed a collective sigh of relief as they’re allowed out into the world to live among functioning humans for a couple of days. Unfortunately, I’m still here as there are Readers’ Letters to be analysed. Still, it’s nice to have a bit of peace and quiet to work. No Mof Gimmers shouting about codpieces, no Sophie Hall shouting at Kris Wood for making a reclining chair out of sausage and no Euan L Davidson, breathing heavily in my ear.

Yes folks, Fridays are the nicest time to be in the bedsit. It’s easier to sit in “the clean chair” and the stale stench of discarded cigarettes and methylated spirits is beginning to lift. Unfortunately, that means that the foetid stench of the hecklerspray post bag is coming through loud and clear.

It stings the nostrils.

The Big Breakfast Is Coming Back! For The Olympics?!

January 30th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Any child of the nineties will remember not wanting to go to school. Not because the education system was as messed up as Chloe Sims? face, or because of the taunts of ?the three stripe-clad knuckle-draggers who marked themselves as the school’s social elite.

It was because they wanted nothing more than to watch The Big Breakfast.

The alternative breakfast show has been hosted by pretty much everyone on television, but really came into its own with Johnny Vaughan and Denise Van Outen at the helm. It was brash, bright and loud: just what a child wants instead of stupid Maths and History. Tell the truth, where has Maths or History ever got you that knowing how to sing the ?Vital Statistics? song hasn't? Nowhere, that's where.

Simon Cowell Is Not The Marrying Kind

January 24th, 2012 By Lady Robotnik

Runaway bride Simon Cowell has broken off another relationship, this time to his makeup artist Mezhgan Husaiany.

“It’s quite a complicated relationship. We have had a break from each other, and we are still incredibly close,” Cowell told The Sunday Mirror. “I’m vulnerable. It’s not on, it’s not off, it’s somewhere in the middle. I don’t know if I will ever get married, but I am happy.”

You know how painful it is when you drop an M&M and it rolls under the sofa, and is juuussstttttt out of your reach? Welcome to Mezghan Husaiany?s life.

Readers’ Letters – 06/01/12 – “You Didn't Even Have The Guts To Put Your Name On This. No Balls???”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Happy New Year, you jerk-offs. A lot of you have been snivelling onto us, trying to get us to bring back Readers’ Letters so that you don’t have to trawl through our articles looking for all the nut jobs that believe we’re being serious (which we are, obviously) and to you we say only this.

FINE, JEEZ.

You’re so needy. Look at you, sitting there like overgrown babies desperately waiting to read about all the people that hate us so that you can make a mental note of the kind of thing to bombard us with over the next week.

You’re the worst kind of scum and that’s why we love you. Anyway, for the first time in 2012, let’s take a dive into our putrid postbag shall we?

Creased or Folded? Hecklerspray Tells You The Way It Is

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Diversify or Die?

Folded

Become a Spy! – Seriously…
The Killing – Having a hard time working it out? Well, no longer with this handy guide which will help you through the colloquialisms and references. Perhaps you might want to move to Denmark by the end of it as you’ll be such an aficionado of the culture.
Hasselhoff Is Off – No more Hoff Hassling on Britain’s Got Talent. The unfortunate trade-off of which being that Simon Cowell is coming back. Lock up Sinitta!