rumour - HecklerSpray

Justin Bieber Explains How To Be A Good Boyfriend (Does It Include Unsavoury Views On Abortion?)

March 27th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Justin Bieber has released a new song called ‘Boyfriend’ and absolutely no-one over the age of 10 who isn’t an outrageous pederast gives two hoots. However, it does give him the chance to talk about things he has little-to-no clue about.

See, some idiot decided to talk to him like he was a fully formed human, despite the fact the top of his head is still soft and he’s got no noticeable fingerprints.

Basically, Justin ‘not a hair on his balls’ Bieber is going to tell you, world weary and experienced, how to be a good boyfriend.

Katy Perry Says Friends Don’t Care About Celebrity… While Travelling The World At Her Expense

March 19th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Katy Perry isn’t like other popstars is she? Apart from the countless and obvious comparisons to all the other popstars of course. But yeah, she’s totally different. She married an ugly tall thin man for starters.

Either way, Perry is now focused on her friends since she and Russell Brand went their separate ways. Friends are the best aren’t they? They drink coffee with you, are there when you cry, there’s the Chandler one and of course, they don’t care what your job is – they love you for who you are.

And so, Katy Perry would like to talk up her pals and says that she?loves travelling with then because they ‘don’t give a crap about the hubbub’ that surrounds her celebrity status. They clearly enjoy you paying for everything though, not to mention the money which comes in handy when they appear in various publications as ‘sources’.

Celine Dion: Regrettably Not Dead Yet

March 16th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Even though Celine Dion hasn’t done anything of note in the public eye for some time now, it doesn’t stop you from feeling her evil presence on the wind, does it? It’s malignant and just… there.

And so, a collective weight was lifted from the shoulders of the world when it was announced that the tepid belter was dead.

Alas,?Celine Dion is just the latest celebrity to be killed off by a rumour. As well you know, bullets, illness, drugs, murder, knives and wild bear attacks are much better at killing unwanted celebrities, rather than mere rumours.

Joan Collins Wants To Burn Your Jeans

March 13th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Joan Collins, a woman who has traded on looking like a glamorous ghost for the past 20 years, not to mention being the campest of all bitchy gay men, is opening her mouth again and spouting advice.

What important, world-harming event is she looking at now?

Jeans. That’s right, denim. Massively important stuff. Not just any ol’ jeans. She’s looking at jeans that sport the legs of women in their forties!

Katy Perry To Write Tell-All Booky Wook About Russell Brand?

March 13th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Russell Brand and Katy Perry’s marriage was a surprise to everyone. He, the infantile Victorian magician with a Morrissey obsession and she, the Carry On popstar with a puntacular career and a long face.

When they split-up, everyone joined-in on a giant collective shrug and vaguely wondered what might happen next.

Well, one thing on the cards is a tell-all book from Katy Perry where she talks explicitly about Brand’s long, thin member and the various cutesy names he stuck to it.

Jason Donovan Gets TV Work: A Guide To Donovitis

March 13th, 2012 By Robin Darke

It's time to invest heavily in padded panty liners and cod liver oil tablets because Jason Donovan has just been announced as one of the new judges set to fill Andrew Lloyd Webber?s new talent search show. Tentatively entitled Superstar because it looks for the leads in Lloyd Webber?s newest obsession; trying to make money from Jesus.

As if Easter wasn?t enough.

Donovan is the housewife?s favourite with a career heavily reliant on his good looks and charming, inoffensive words, churning out album after album of mediocre covers and books to satiate the hidden desires of women who regret their decision to marry your father and want to run away and live on Ramsay Street with Donovan and Craig McLachlan and Harold Bishop.

Elizabeth Berkley’s Pregnancy Gives Us The Opportunity To Talk About Showgirls

March 6th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Elizabeth Berkeley is married to an?artist called Greg Lauren and she’s pregnant with their first child. She’s really thrilled, it’s a ‘moment to cherish forever’ and they are ‘so excited to share this moment and special news! The baby is due this summer’.

Right?

Good. Now, let us completely ignore this baby rubbish and focus squarely on the fact that Elizabeth Berkeley was in Saved By The Bell, which is fine, but that she was also in the greatest craptacular film ever made – SHOWGIRLS!

Snooki Is Pregnant And Engaged – The World Is Broken

March 6th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Imagine for a moment, waking up in a bed, having willingly had sex with Jersey Shore star, Snooki. Once you’d scraped off 8 gallons of fake-tan residue off your stomach, you’d then need to start scrubbing the shame off yourself with wire-wool.

Only then can you start thinking about the fact you rogered Snooks without a condom on and that she was starting the process of harvesting a symbiotic thing inside her orange abdomen.

And then you see the engagement ring on her finger. You bought it for her. You remember proposing. You start to reevaluate your life and give in to that crippling tide of gloom that rises from your weakened knees, all the way into your nauseated stomach. Somewhere, all this translates into a single, solitary tear on your cheek. The world, it seems, is a cruel and unforgiving place and you’re stuck like Sysiphus.

Justin Bieber Is Glad He Wasn’t Aborted

March 6th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

Fame does strange things to people. Over the years, we've heard diva like demands from people requiring their dressing room to be painted blue, the ingredients in a salad sliced a certain way or that no other DJ play the same record as them.

But whilst famous folk realise that any freakish behaviour will kill their career early, they can count on the fans to support them through thick and sometimes eating disorder thin. Chris Brown can count on Team Breezy to endorse his domestic abuse and phone pinching antics whilst Michael Jackson mentalists have long given us a continual source of comedy gold.

Justin Bieber also has his own hardcore following. Known to the world as Beliebers, they will defend him to the end and lap up anything with his name on. Those who despise Bieber often wish he hadn?t been conceived due to his annoying nation, but how about congratulating the mother herself that she didn't do such a thing? One Belieber amazingly did this.

Hitler Definitely Lived In Argentina ‘Til He Was Really Old

March 5th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

In an EXCLUSIVEly stolen story from an actual tabloid newspaper, it appears everything you knew about Hitler was wrong. Apart from the hating Jews bit. You’ve invariably got that bit absolutely spot-on.

We’re talking about the other thing. The thing about him getting killed during that whole World War II thing.

It would appear that Hitler ran off to Argentina and lived a merry life right into his old age, which means that he’s probably met Maradona and seen Evita. Can you guess which newspaper may have written this story?