Every week, we have the unfortunate task of picking our way through your crusted correspondence to find the most depraved, hideous scrawlings to put on the site for everyone to laugh at. This week, it was a little bit easier as our drooling mass of a readership left a slug trail right to some of the most sexually-charged content that has ever deposited itself in our post bag thanks to a certain Ms. Scarlett Johansson.

Yes, everyone’s favourite bombshell had her phone hacked as hecklerspray brought the curious masses a skin-exclusive and everyone wanted to get in touch to reveal their masturbatory habits. There’s also veiled threats from Kasabian’s representatives, a singing Michael Jackson and a screaming INXS nutter, all with Editor Mof just over the jump.

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Hollywood gossip, being what it is, has provided outlandish entertainment to all of us for years.

Remember, for example, in 1991 when it was discovered Emmanuel Lewis was actually the kidney that stunted Gary Coleman‘s growth? Or what about when Air Bud lost his leg to an enormous electric pencil sharpener mistakenly left on and churning by the owner’s alcoholic teenage son? Well that last one really isn’t a good example because it was eventually proven in court – Lifetime actually did an entire mini series on it. We think.

Well now we’ve got another of those stories for you, and of equal or lesser caliber too – Lindsay Lohan is apparently maritally engaged to a super-ugly man that is actually a mediocre woman.

We think she was mediocre anyway. We really don’t remember as several weeks ago a picture of her made us poke out our own eyes.

We don’t know, though. She could have been alright.

When a paid mystic is lucky enough to look into Lindsay Lohan’s future, they’ll likely see a few concrete things. Probably a dozen or so Herbie Fully Loaded straight-to-DVD sequels around 2015 – all filmed while Maggie Peyton has a death grip on several colostomy bags. It’s because of a popped colon. Disney will probably find a way to work it into the plot as their people are really quite creative.

To be clear Lohan’s 2015 popped colon is based purely on speculation. We don’t have any inside sources leaking us medical charts, we’ve not been tracking poop-related global maladies and more importantly we’ve heard Lohan’s excrement is far too acidic to ever be held by anything less than a double riveted, thick-hulled Russian T-90S steel war tank.

But why talk about Lohan’s toiletry needs when we have far more interesting things to speak of – like her maybe being engaged to a woman. The Bosh wants you to read for yourself:

“Lindsay Lohan was spotted flashing an engagement ring at Cannes, fueling reports she is in a romantic relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson.”

You remember who this Ronson chick is don’t you? Well you should – when Lohan almost beat up half of Michelle Tanner for saying hello to her in a public place we reported on it twice. (1, 2) Also she’s a DJ or something. She’s got her finger right on the pulse of America’s music vein we’ve heard.

More recently the two have been in the headlines for simultaneous limp bumping either all over P Diddy, or all over P Diddy’s yacht – we’re not sure which. Given the chance we’re told the boat could do so with a touch more vigor and passion.

That’s probably from someone who saw Raisin In The Sun.

We’re just saying.