Madonna’s a busy lady, what with her old lady crotch about to go on a world tour and all.

And that means that nobody’s allowed to mess Madonna around. Nobody, that is, except the Malawi High Courts. Today was the day when Madonna was supposed to discover whether or not she’d gained permanent custody of David Banda, her adopted Malawian son.

But it didn’t happen – the court has delayed its final ruling until next week. That’s not ideal for Madonna, but it’s even worse for David Banda, who outgrew his tiny soiled lightless holding pen that Madonna keeps him in about 15 months ago and just wants to eat something other than hay.

Since Madonna has a new album out and a world tour about to commence, you’d expect to see Professional Madonna out and about – you know, the age-defying pop icon with the bulging arms and the escapologist vagina.

But because the final ruling over her adoption of David Banda is due now, Professional Madonna has to keep transforming into Caring Mother Earth Madonna now and again – you know, the middle-aged woman with the veiny arms and the vagina that’s kept tucked neatly under her bed for special occasions.

And it’s the latter who’s on the loose at the moment, because we’re getting to the time when we’ll discover if David Banda – the little semi-orphan that Madonna adopted from Malawi in 2006 to great controversy – gets to stay with Madonna forever or if he’ll have to fly back to Malawi again and live the rest of his short life as a kind of social pariah because he once lived in the house of the woman who’s come to be known locally as Claw-Faced Vagina Lady.

In fact, we were supposed to know the outcome of Madonna’s adoption process today, but thanks to the Malawi High Court’s decision to postpone its decision, we’ll have to wait until next week. BBC News reports:

A court in Malawi has delayed its final decision on whether Madonna can have permanent custody of a three-year-old boy until next week. The pop star began adoption proceedings for David Banda in October 2006. A social worker from Malawi has already recommended that the pop star be able to keep the child in London. Simon Chisale said the singer and husband Guy Ritchie had “shown a strong commitment in providing the infant with all essential needs”.

Simon Chisale does have a point there – David Banda hasn’t gone wanting for anything since he’s been under Madonna’s care. Kabbalah bracelets, macrobiotic grains, secondhand obscene leotards, crates of unsold Swept Away DVDs – whatever David Banda wants he gets, so long as it’s in that list of stuff we just gave you.

The social worker’s endorsement of Madonna will go a long way to making sure that she’s allowed to look after David Banda forever, but the questions about whether or not international adoption laws were bent while acquiring him will remain.

Let’s just hope that the Malawi court makes its decision quickly, because then Madonna can continue with her plan to divorce Guy Ritchie as soon as possible. We don’t know if that is her plan, by the way, but we assume it is. He is Guy Ritchie, after all.

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Madonna custody hearing postponed – BBC

Right after she was awarded £24.3 million in her divorce settlement from Paul McCartney, Heather Mills tried to block the release of the judge's full ruling.

At the time, Heather Mills said it was for the protection of her daughter. And it turns out that she was probably telling the truth – now that the ruling is out poor Beatrice is probably going to get bullied by her infant peers because it says her mother is 'ridiculous', 'her own worst-enemy' and pretty much makes makes all sorts of lofty unsubstantiated claims about herself.

However, just because Heather Mills has come in for a sensational kicking in the judge's ruling, don't think that Paul McCartney got away scot free either – the ruling said he had a face like someone's granny and that if he closes one more all-star charity concert with a prolonged rendition of Hey Jude the judge will come round and chop his cock off.

Sometimes, in our weakest moments, we feel a little bit sorry for Heather Mills. Aside from a couple of confused rednecks with temporary telephone privileges and some horny 14-year-olds, there isn't a single person in the whole wide world who even slightly likes her.

Everyone dislikes Heather's constant references to her charity work, the sense that she's a bit of a fantasist and her over-inflated sense of self-importance. And now everyone's views have been legally verified by the judge who oversaw the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce.

Although this week Heather Mills won £24.3 million from Paul McCartney and even managed to chuck some water at his lawyer, it's a pyrrhic victory because the judge's ruling slates her so much that it's basically one red jelly penis reference away from being a hecklerspray article. A 58-page, 327-paragraph hecklerspray article. We know, we can't think of anything worse either.

If you've got a spare hour, we'd urge you to track down a copy of Judge Hugh Bennett's full divorce ruling on Paul McCartney and Heather Mills because it's nothing short of brilliant. Heather Mills gets trashed for making unsupported claims about her income, her status, her role as a wife and a 'counsellor' to Paul McCartney, her annual travel expenses and – perhaps best of all, the £40,000 a year she needs for wine even though she doesn't drink.

The Washington Post has a neat summary:

Mills had sought a $250 million divorce settlement. But in the papers, Bennett rejected Mills's justifications for her demand as "ridiculous" and "wholly exaggerated." He said Mills "flagrantly overeggs the pudding" with demands for just under $1 million a year for travel expenses, including $370,000 for private planes and helicopters… Bennett said he thinks Mills believes "she is entitled for the indefinite future, if not for the whole of her life, to live at the same 'rate' as the husband and to be kept in the style to which she perceives she was accustomed during the marriage… Although she strongly denied it," Bennett wrote, "her case boils down to the syndrome of 'me, too' or 'if he has it, I want it too.'"

The ruling must have stung Heather Mills pretty hard – after all, future generations will now be able to look back on these legal documents and confidently assert that Heather Mills was an out-of-control divpot no matter she does to change this in the future. 

Yep, we're certain that thanks to this divorce ruling Heather Mills is right now crying hard into her gigantic pile of cash that's bigger than anything we could hope to earn in hundreds of years. One-nil to us!

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Judge Portrays McCartney's Ex As 'Out of Control' – Washington Post 

If the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce was a movie villain, it'd be one of those invincible ones that doesn't die even when you've smacked its face in with the back of a shovel 50 times.

After a week at the High Court failing to thrash out a deal in private, the judge presiding over the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce has decided to take things into his own hands and will decide how much cash Heather Mills gets himself.

And then, in a month, that'll be it – Paul McCartney will be divorced from Heather Mills. Unless Heather Mills decides she doesn't like the decision and drags it out through the Court Of Appeals and the House Of Lords for months and months, of course. Which, let's face it, she probably will.

By now Paul McCartney was supposed to be divorced from Heather Mills and quickly moving on to whichever middle-aged sexpot he's rumoured to be boffing at the moment, while Heather Mills was supposed to have taken the tens of millions of pounds that she got in the divorce settlement, realised that nobody particularly cares for her and disappeared out of view forever.

Hasn't happened, though.

Last Monday Paul McCartney and Heather Mills went to the High Court to finalise their divorce. A week later and things have progressed so badly that the judge has decided to take things into his own hands. Reuters reports:

Pop icon Paul McCartney and ex-model Heather Mills failed to agree on a divorce settlement on Monday after six days in court, leaving the judge to decide how much of the former Beatle's fortune Mills should receive. Judge Hugh Bennett will make his decision at a later date, probably in about a month, in a judgement that could set an important legal precedent for future short-lived marriages of the super-rich.

The last week of negotiations have been carried out in private, so nobody really has any idea what happened. We know that Heather Mills represented herself, and that she probably bought up that old wine glass-stabbing story again for everyone to hear, but aside from that nobody has the foggiest. Paul McCartney and Heather Mills might have had a fight in the court room with McCartney using platinum discs to protect himself from Heather Mills' jelly penis attacks for all we know, but it hasn't got them any nearer to an agreement.

Whenever the judge does come to his decision, it'll be closely watched. Because if both Paul McCartney and Heather Mills agree on it, it'll remain private. But if either party disagrees with the ruling – which is likely given the rumoured £25 million discrepancy between what Heather wants and what Paul is prepared to pay – then the whole thing becomes messily public as it gets hauled through an appeals court and possibly the House Of Lords after that.

So now we all just have to sit and wait. It's thought that if Heather Mills does accept a divorce settlement from Paul McCartney in the meantime, one condition will be that she has to keep quiet about the ins and outs of the deal. But we think we can do one better than that – if we all chip in a fiver each, perhaps we can get Heather Mills to shut up completely forever. Or £10 each and she'll actually sew her mouth closed with shoelaces.

Think about it, it'd be worth it not to hear her squeaking the word 'paedophile' over and over again like a morally-outrage guinea pig. Whaddaya say?

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Judge to decide on McCartney divorce deal – Reuters