It’s a big day for Anne Hathaway’s ex, Rafaello Follieri – he’s expected to plead guilty to all his dodgy business dealings later.

So, obviously, it would be a good time for Anne Hathaway to maintain her silence over her suspiciously-timed split with Follieri. After all, when you split up with a man six hours before the FBI arrest him, you’d probably want the fuss to die down a little before you went shooting your mouth off about it.

Which is why we’ve got absolutely nothing to report from Anne Hathaway toda… what? Today just happens to be the exact day that Anne Hathaway’s decided to go public with her version of events? Right before Rafaello Follieri probably hears that he’s going to jail for several years? And she’s decided to do it by using a complex system of rug-positioning metaphors that don’t really make much sense? Do go on.

Rafaello Follieri’s had quite the turnaround in recent months. Not so long ago he was living the high life, trotting around the world, chatting idly with world leaders, with one of the world’s most beautiful – if alarmingly big-faced – actresses as his girlfriend.

Now, though, Rafaello Follieri has none of that. Today he’s expected to plead guilty to all the wire fraud conspiracy charges he was arrested for, which means that pretty soon he’ll be trotting round a cell, shitting idly into a bucket, with one of the jail’s burliest – if alarmingly tattooed and violent – prisoners as his girlfriend.

According to some reports, Rafaello Follieri can expect a jail sentence of anywhere between 51 and 63 months in jail as a result of his alleged crimes – but we suspect that’ll be the least of his worries now that his ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway has started running around blurting out secrets about their split.

That’s not exactly a surprise given that reports have suggested Anne Hathaway may have been tipped off about the arrest beforehand, allowing her to quickly chuck Rafaello Follieri by phone, wash her hands of it all and walk out unscathed. But to do it now, on Follieri’s big day in court, just seems berserk.

Nevertheless, that’s what she’s done, to W magazine. So Anne Hathaway, we’re ready. Discuss your split from Rafaello Follieri, and if you could possibly use as many physically impossible conceits about decorative floor coverings, that’d be great too:

“As soon as I found out about the arrest, I had to get on a plane to Mexico to do a press tour for ‘Get Smart,’ And then I spent a week in shock at a friend’s house. It’s a situation where the rug was pulled out from under me all of a sudden. But just as suddenly, my friends threw another rug back under me. One said, ‘Go stay at my house.’”

Yeah, that’s all very well and everything Anne Hathaway, but have you ever tried to throw a rug under someone? It’s bloody impossible. Their feet keep getting in the way. Sure, it’s easier if you simultaneously jump as they’re throwing the rug, but then it wouldn’t be as sudden and unexpected as you’re making out, would it? Maybe if it was a very thin rug and you were standing on a virtually frictionless surface and they used enough force…

Wait a minute here. We see what you’re doing Anne Hathaway – you’re lobbing all these mentions of rug aerobics around to distract us from the real issue here, aren’t you? You’re hoping that we’ll end up so busy trying to draw theoretical diagrams of how your friend managed to throw a rug underneath you that we’ll forget to ask you about exactly how much you knew about Rafaello Follieri’s shenanigans before his arrest, aren’t you? Well congratulations Anne Hathaway. Your plan worked.

Also, we’re not really that arsed one way or the other. That probably helped as well, to be fair.