royal wedding - HecklerSpray

Kate Middleton Pregnant: Victory For Inbreeding

November 18th, 2011 By Robin Darke

Good news for all you Royalist dicks out there. It turns out that Prince William, him what wed that “commoner” earlier this year, isn’t a complete waste of semen as reports are coming through that he’s managed to knock up his new wife. Congrats, eh?

According to a Buckingham Palace insider, some chatty US magazine has confirmed that royal couple are “relieved.”

Maybe the years of Royal inbreeding has shrivelled their genitals to the size of Walnut Whips? Perhaps the overwhelming worry that any child with a learning disability would be hidden away in the “Special Dungeon” deep below the Palace was too much to bear?

Press Still Determined For Prince Harry To Have Sex With His Sister In Law

September 12th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Prince Harry is a very, very wealthy man. He could probably get people killed if he wanted to. It must be brilliant being him, even with the whole Not Sure Who My Dad Is Now You Mention It thing.

With all those coins, cars and boats at his disposal, it’s not difficult to imagine that Harry can’t move for tail. The ladies invariably throw themselves at him, with dreams of being a real life princess.

However, the press are adamant that Harry should have sex with his sister-in-law, Pippa Middleton. That’s right! The rags are courting these two, pressing their noses up at windows, overlooking a non-existent sex life. It’s astonishing. And now, it seems that Pippa ‘the arse’ Middleton is falling for it, hook line and sinker, playing out the role of nagging girlfriend before they’ve even had chance to buy condoms.

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Are Getting Married Because You Can’t Get Divorced Without It

July 14th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Because America is only about 4 years old compared to the rest of the world, it has to pin its dreams on daft things. They don’t have a royal family, so they obsess over various Kennedy family member and celebrities.

Concerning the latter, celebrity weddings are the closest thing they have to experiencing the collective thrill/antipathy of a Royal Wedding.

And now, America’s first couple – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – are going to get married, which will be met with a whole range of emotions, starting at ‘boredom’ and ending at ‘anger’. ‘Vaguely pleased because they might be nice people for all we know’ probably makes an appearance somewhere in the middle.

Princess Diana – Anorexic, Bulimic Narcissist

July 4th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Trolling the carcass of Princess Diana is a very, very easy thing to do. Diana has the kind of fans that Michael Jackson would be proud of – bug-eyed nutters who howl in anguish at any kind of negativity thrown their way.

However, riling up these devotees isn’t easy. They’ve heard it all before, willing to shrug off the lamer of the insults levelled at their idol. However, there’s some words being thrown at Diana which are expertly pitched.

How about the one where Lady Di gets called an “anorexic, bulimic narcissist”?

Creepy Princess Diana Appears Aged On Weird Cover

June 29th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Princess Diana was the Queen of our Hearts. Apparently. Quite why, no-one has ever really said. It would appear that she’s attained a lofty position in our affections because she was reasonably good looking and joined the glamorous Died Too Young Club.

Of course, if she’s in heaven looking down on us all, it is fair to say no-one wants to stand near her because half of her head is missing after she redecorated the inside of a French tunnel.

But what would she look like if she’d lived? Well, there’s no need to try and imagine that now as Newsweek have decided to recreate her with the miracle of computer software and plastered her wizened face on their front cover. No. Seriously. They have. Click over the jump to see her Royal Liverspottery.

Pippa Middleton Is Single So Rejoice While She Cries Her Eyes Out

June 13th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Arse worshippers! Good news for your deluded selves! Pippa Middleton is single! Now, you shouldn’t let the fact she wouldn’t touch you with a stinky bargepole stop you believing you’re in with a shot of getting next to her now world famous behind!

Even though she’s now related to one of the most wealthy and powerful families of inbreeds on the planet, you should definitely think to yourself that somehow, she’s going to take kindly to a pleb like you, just like Prince William did when he married ‘a commoner’.

A commoner with a shite load of money.

Prince William And Kate Middleton Are Parasites Says Pink Faced Man

June 2nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

For a brief moment in Britain, everyone felt kinda good when Prince William and Kate Middleton (or The Duchess of Skelmersdale or whatever she is these days) got married. Not that there was a sense of national unity brought about by an old-fashioned state event.

Rather, everyone seemed to agree that the little car they drove around in was nice and that Pippa Middleton has a very pleasing arse.

Of course, this good feeling lasted all of about 30 seconds and everyone went back to wondering what exactly the Royal Family offer us. And in the build-up to an official trip to Canada, one politician decided to vent spleen in their direction in a volley of abuse that is almost hecklersprayesque in quality and pettiness.

Fearne Cotton Splits With Her Fiance After He Realises How Ghoulish She Is

May 23rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The year is 2011AD and no-one has quite managed to work out what the point of Fearne Cotton is. Even her BBC bosses think she’s useless, but they persist in hiring her under the misguided notion that she appeals to Ver Yoof of Britain.

Even they hate her.

Still, at least Fearne has someone to go home to who will hold her and love her when all around are loudly booing and hissing at her, right? Wrong. That’s because she’s now as single as can be after it was announced that she’s split from her fianc? Jesse Jenkins. Presumably, he’s only just started to hear what people have actually been saying about his entirely hopeless ex.

Princess Beatrice Flogs Her Royal Wedding Hat To Morons

May 17th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Remember the UK royal wedding? You might not want to, but thanks to the media still being in love with the couple of the moment, all sorts of tatty commemorative DVD?s and magazines have been brought out to mark the occasion.

Unless you camped out for several hours to wave at William and Kate, it'll be the closest you\’ll ever get to them. They don't associate with peasant scum like us.

The marriage of William and Kate wasn?t just about them however. One other person who gained mass attention was Princess Beatrice. She didn't stop an assassin or anything impressive like that; instead she wore a hat that looked like a huge gaping vagina with two mini spitting foo-foos on top. It’s fair to say it was a fashion no-no. However, some idiot will see it as ?arty? and attempt to buy it. Shockingly, some people are already trying to do this.

Futile Complaint Made About Kate Middleton’s Topless Pictures

May 11th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hello Middleton family! Welcome to the dank, foetid world of celebritidom! In this new realm which you now find yourselves in, you’ll find that people have no qualms about digging up old photos of you in states of undress or looking drunk, or indeed, sticking SLRs up your skirt to snap your gussets!

Hurray for that.

And with that, Kate Middleton, her mother Carol, and sister Pippa (or, as you’ll know her, ‘The One With The Nice Arse’) have filed an official complaint against newspapers who published pictures of them in their bikinis.