Last week was huge for Rosie O’Donnell – and not because it’s the only week where everyone gets to eat as much as she usually does.

Instead, it marked Rosie O’Donnell’s big return to TV. Last week saw the premiere of Rosie Live – a big balls-out, unashamedly old-fashioned variety show hosted by Rosie O’Donnell. And Rosie Live would have been great, too, if only more than about four people watched it, and those who did watch it didn’t hate it.

So, with a heavy heart, Rosie O’Donnell took to the internet this weekend to announce that there would be no more Rosie Live. But, undeterred, Rosie O’Donnell has sworn to return to TV soon with a format that suits her better. Working titles for that show include Rosie’s Hour Of Screaming, Rosie Puts You Off Your Dinner, Rosie Punches The Homeless, Rosie Kicks Down People’s Doors With A Knife In Her Mouth and Not Rosie.

Ever since leaving The View because she once got so angry that she psychically set fire to Barbara Walters‘ hair – or something – Rosie O’Donnell has been struggling to get back on TV.

First there were rumours that Rosie O’Donnell would get herself a show on a rolling news station, presumably for people who don’t think current affairs make them irrationally angry enough as it is, but that failed. Then Rosie set her sights on The Price Is Right, only to end up not getting the job because producers baulked at her proposal to rename the show The Price Is ARRRRGH! I’LL KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD, I’LL KILL YOU!

But a force as powerful as Rosie O’Donnell couldn’t stay in the wilderness for long, which is why last week all of America got to see Rosie Live, a great big Thanksgiving variety show featuring turns from every celebrity on earth who Rosie O’Donnell hasn’t started a crackpot paranoid feud with recently. So three. Three celebrities.

Rosie Live looked like it couldn’t be anything other than a big hit – it had a giant potential audience rendered inert by food, it had all the old-time razzle dazzle you could ever ask for and it had a host who was prepared to badmouth anyone she liked so long as it gave her a sliver of publicity. Rosie Live couldn’t fail.

And then Rosie Live failed.

Because of this, there will be no more Rosie Live, as Rosie O’Donnell has revealed on her blog in her own inimitable way. Did we day ‘inimitable’? We meant ‘illegible’. Our mistake. Anyway, the New York Times reports:

“Rosie Live” attracted just five million viewers, according to Nielsen’s estimates. Ms. O’Donnell responded to many messages on her Web site over the weekend, writing in her style that eschews traditional spellings. To another viewer she acknowledged, “I gave it my best shot.” She also wrote that “its up to nbc,” but added, “bad ratings and reviews usually mean no more.”

But, look, it’s important that Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t get downhearted by the failure of Rosie Live. She gave it her best shot, she failed and now the only way she’ll manage to get on television again is if someone makes a retrospective TV show called Fat Lesbians We Barely Remember, but Rosie O’Donnell should take solace in one fact – Rosie Live didn’t make anyone fall to the floor with red-hot fountains of blood jetting out of their ears. And that’s something that Elisabeth Hasselbeck Live would have almost certainly caused.

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