Ronnie Wood – a man who looks like all four faces of Mount Rushmore packed into one particularly perished melon – is of course, rock royalty. This means that, away from him mugging on-stage with The Rolling Stones, we’re supposed to care about the other aspects of his life.

So has something bad happened to Ron Wood? Well, apart from that whole midlife crisis and running off with a woman 300 years younger than him, not really.

See, his youngest son, Tyrone, has been beaten up really badly with a baseball bat while on holiday in Greece. But we’ve never heard of him before, so we can just treat it like any no-mark who has had their arse handed to them, right?

This isn’t even celebrity gossip or news. This is chat about someone related to a celebrity. Celebrity By Proxy Gossip. Doesn’t have the same ring to it does it?

Either way, because there is so little news in the world that isn’t related to the fall of the News Of The World, we have to relay this pointless fluff about some bloke’s son getting a whole barrow of whoop-ass tipped onto him.

Apparently, this attack on Ron’s son, whose name we’ve already forgotten, was so thorough, that he’s ended up with a broken arm and concussion.

The attacker must’ve been one particularly competitive Beatles fan, eh?

A source says:

“Tyrone has taken a terrible beating. He was attacked with a baseball bat. He’s OK but really shaken up by the whole incident.”

He’s okay? Jesus Christ. This is the most pointless story ever written in hecklerspray’s history. Next, we’ll be writing about Snoop Dogg having a quiet night in.

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Basshunter, the lovable dance DJ behind such songs as ‘Now You’re Gone’ and… erm…  that other one he did, which seem designed to make your brain bleed with hate, has appeared in court in Kircaldy to deny two allegations of sexual assault.

That’s right, the man who followed Ronnie Wood’s former missus, Ekaterina Ivanova, around like a little lost puppy with a somewhat creepy look in his eye is alleged to have sexually assaulted a couple of girls in a nightclub in Fife.

Maybe she was right to keep him at arms length, mind you if you’d been allegedly battered by your ex you’d probably try to keep strange men at more than an arms length, just to be on the safe side.

You can’t help but feel sorry for Basshunter though, real name Jonas Erik Altberg, mainly because he was playing a gig in Fife. We here at hecklerspray aren’t big fans of Swedish dance music, but we did think that after his appearance on Celebrity Big Brother Basshunter would announce a residency at the O2 to rival fellow alleged sexual predator Michael Jackson.

But no, apparently not even reality TV could save the Basshunter or the profile of loud and annoying Swedish dance tunes in the UK, forcing him to go to places like Fife to find an audience.

This may not sound that bad, but have you ever been to Fife? No? Well, don’t, that’s hecklerspray’s top tip for the week, don’t go to Fife, it’s frequented by gropey DJs for one.

Basshunter will have to return to Fife at some point in the near future, where he is to take part in an identity parade. We can only imagine how bizarre that line up is going to be. Is it number 1? Number 2? Number 3, the one from Big Brother with the funny voice? Number 3, can you please sing the lyrics to the 2007 number 1 hit Now You’re Gone for us please?

Unconfirmed reports have stated that the UK government had been after Basshunter for some time as the artwork for his hit single Now You’re Gone was made up of thousands of top secret emails from Gordon Brown, asking Tony if he was ready to stand down yet.

We’re all eagerly awaiting Jemima Khan’s campaign to free him from this persecution.

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Look, we know the Rolling Stones enjoy pretending that they’re younger than they actually are, but this is ridiculous.

Of course, we blame Chris Brown. If it wasn’t for Chris Brown beating up Rihanna earlier this year, then would Ronnie Wood have allegedly rolled up his sleeves on Wednesday night and shown that awful acts of violence on women aren’t exclusively reserved for the young by giving his girlfriend a pasting in the street? No, Ronnie Wood wouldn’t.

Or maybe Ronnie Wood would. All we know is that he’s been arrested on suspicion of assaulting his 20-year-old girlfriend. Oh, we’ll blame Chris Brown anyway. Why change the habit of a lifetime, huh?

Few things can be more terrifying than the sight of Ronnie Wood, dressed in a girl’s leather jacket and looking like a kind of glam rock transvestite skeksis, lunging at you with his fists raised in anger. Well, that’s unless you’re a normal-sized human male, because he generally looks so frail and alcohol-weakened that he’d splinter into dust if you so much as looked at him hard enough. But if you’re a 20-year-old Russian girl then, yes, it’s probably fairly terrifying.

That’s something that we should probably put to Ekaterina Ivanova, Ronnie Wood’s 20-year-old Russian girlfriend, because on Wednesday night Wood was arrested on suspicion of assaulting her. And witness reports of the incident aren’t especially pleasant. The Telegraph reports:

“We heard a woman screaming, then saw a man pinning her to the ground. He was shouting at her then we heard choking sounds so my boyfriend rushed out to help. When he got outside he saw it was Ronnie and Ekaterina.”

“I saw a couple. I thought they were hugging but when they got closer I realised the man had the woman in a headlock. As soon as I got a decent look I recognised Ronnie. He was forcing her to walk with him. She was crying and sobbing and trying to get away but he wouldn’t let her go.”

Nobody knows what started this alleged assault on Ivanova by Ronnie Wood. It could have been something to do with the 42-year age difference between them – maybe he got enraged when he made an oblique reference to the 1973 discovery of Comet Kohoutek and she didn’t understand, or maybe she showed him a picture of a skateboard and it blew his mind – but it would seem more likely that it happened because Ronnie Wood is a pointless old dickhead who looks like a fire-damaged Terrahawk.

But we’ll have to wait for the case to go to court before we can be sure of that, we suppose.

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We’ve never spent a week getting drunk in the arms of a Russian waitress who’s a third of our age, but it sounds awful.

So no wonder Ronnie Wood has decided to check into rehab. After flying back to apologise for his exploits to his long-suffering wife, Ronnie has checked into a clinic to beat his drinking problem once and for all.

It sounds like a great idea, except that Ronnie Wood went to rehab to beat his drinking problem once and for all last month too, and that just made him run off to Ireland to get drunk with an unusually young Russian girl that he met in a sex club. So rehab is a brave move, because if the pattern holds he’ll be mainlining heroin with a three-year-old Serbian toddler by the end of the month.

The 12-step alcohol recovery process is a long and complex procedure that requires dedication and mental strength. This is something that Ronnie Wood knows only too well, because he’s just checked in for what’s believed to be his eleventh stint in rehab.

It doesn’t take a genius to work out why – for a week newspapers have been full of stories about Ronnie Wood’s boozy jaunt to Ireland with 20-year-old Russian cocktail waitress Ekaterina Ivanova, much to the alarm of his wife and kids.

Apparently Ronnie Wood was knocking back two bottles of vodka a day during this time, which sounds like a dangerous quantity but is actually just the right amount to calm Ronnie’s nerves after he catches a glimpse of his own terrifyingly gaunt vulture face poking out from under his godawful haircut in the mirror.

Anyway, Ronnie’s son Jesse recently flew out to Ireland to persuade his dad to see sense, and it seems like it’s worked – not only has Ronnie Wood vowed to save his marriage but he’s also checked into rehab for good, as The Independent reports:

In a statement, Wood’s spokeswoman said the rocker was being helped by those closest to him in an attempt to end his alcoholism once and for all. She added: “Following Ronnie’s continued battle with alcohol, he has entered a period of rehab. His close family and friends say he is seeking help and look forward to his recovery.”

While Ronnie Wood is in rehab he’ll also be treated for his addiction to Russian sex club waitresses young enough to be his granddaughter. It’s unknown what form this treatment will take, although it’s assumed that it’ll partially involves being strapped to a chair Clockwork Orange-style while library footage of the 1984 Soviet Olympic female track and field squad’s warm-up routine is beamed into his eyes in horrifying slow motion.

There’s a good chance that, finally, this shot at rehab will stick for Ronnie Wood and he’ll manage to live the rest of his life in a perfectly sober state. It’s unlikely, though, isn’t it? They say that you have to hit rock bottom before you have any hope of recovering, and spending a week in bed with a pretty Russian girl who’s probably good at sex to a professional degree hardly sounds like rock bottom.

Fingers crossed that next time Ronnie Wood runs off to spend a week in bed with someone it’s Jodie Marsh. That’d be rock bottom enough for anyone. It might be Ronnie’s only hope, in fact.

We’ve often found that things slip your mind when you’re repeatedly having it off with a 20-year-old Russian cocktail waitress.

Things like, ooh, let’s say, the fact that you’ve been married to a non-Russian who isn’t a cocktail waitress for longer than your new conquest has been alive. It’s perfectly natural, so it’s perfectly understandable that that’s exactly what Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood seems to have been doing lately.

But no more. According to reports, Ronnie Wood has decided to return to the UK and plead for forgiveness with his wife Jo. It’ll be an important moment for both of them, but if Jo can find it in her heart to forgive Ronnie Wood then at least he’ll know she’ll probably forgive him the next time he picks up a skanky-looking Russian girl in a prostitute club too. Like we said, important.

We’ve never really given too much time to Ronnie Wood. That’s partly because he looks exactly like one of the Skeskis out of The Dark Crystal in a Chuckle Brothers wig and it freaks us out, and partly because he hadn’t ever done anything interesting, like, say, run off to Ireland on a booze-soaked sex holiday with a hollow-faced Russian 20-year-old he met at a notorious Soho sex club.

Luckily, though, that’s exactly what Ronnie Wood has been doing lately. Welcome aboard Ronnie. Welcome aboard.

According to all reports everywhere, Ronnie Wood has been drunkenly holed up in Ireland with Ekaterina Ivanova, a young Russian girl who’s a waitress or an escort or something, causing his wife Jo to inform him that their marriage is over.

Yeah, OK old lady. Nice one on deciding that you’re leaving your husband about a week after he’s starting having it away with a girl who a) is 33 years younger than you, b) has an exotic accent and c) is so good at sex that she quite possibly gets paid to do it. Way to empower yourself, sister.

However, the ploy might have worked, because now The Sun is claiming that Ronnie Wood has flown home from Ireland to try and patch things up with his wife:

The Rolling Stone, 61, caught a private plane out of Ireland after a heart-to-heart with son Jesse, 30. The guitarist, wearing his wedding ring and visible through a porthole, cannot accept his life with wife Jo, 53, is over and will plead with her to take him back.

Will Ronnie be able to win Jo round? Nobody can be sure, but at least Ronnie has one thing on his side – the new range of Hallmark ‘Sorry I had a giant alcoholic relapse and ran off to a different country to embark on an ill-advised love affair with a Russian girl who’s three times younger than me and possibly involved in the sex trade, wife of 23 years’. They almost seem tailor-made for Ronnie Wood’s predicament.

But let’s be positive here, and hope that Jo Wood takes pity on Ronnie and forgives him. She probably will, because any woman who can put up with her husband having a haircut like that for two decades can’t have all that many standards, can she?