Preening, chemically enhanced music “supremo” Louis Walsh has spoken out about his decision to step down as Boyzone’s manager, something that we didn’t even know had happened. Walsh, the man responsible for making the skin of young boys everywhere crawl to the point where it attempts to tear itself from the body of its host and choke itself.
Earlier this month, reports emerged that Walsh had ditched the boyband because of disappointing ticket sales, brought about by the death of pop music, something that he is at least partly responsible for. The poor man’s Simon Cowell is said to believe that he missed a trick by refusing to manage Take That because he didn’t fancy Mark Owen enough to take the job.
Add to this lead singer Ronan Keating’s recent revelation that he likes to put his knob about a bit and you have yourself a self-righteous, pompous TV personality trying to get himself some more personality by strategically dropping a relatively unpopular band that are still well-known at the beginning of the downward slope of their singing careers.
Adulterer and rodent-featured purveyor of musical blandness Ronan Keating has confirmed to the Daily Mail that his marriage is firmly back on track, stating that:
“We’ve been left to our own devices but are now a happy family. It’s all good, thank God.”
His wife Yvonne offered no opinion of her own – probably busy ‘left to her own devices’ caring for their three children. Ronan did not specify what his ‘own devices’ were but it’s probably best not to ask. What with them now being a ‘happy family’ and everything. Don’t want to rock the boat by bringing up the past.
Oh Ronan, why did you do it? We always thought you were the sort of chap who’d buy us a packet of peanuts when our change was low and tell us how to perfectly parallel park.
There didn’t seem to be an ounce of wrongess in your blood. You didn’t star in Coronation Street like Keith Duffy or anger Daily Mail journalists by dying at a tenderly young homosexual age.
Whilst everything seemed fine and rosy, Ronan Keating went and threw it all away. His wife couldn’t satisfy his needs, so he sought solace in one of his backing dancers. The papers were shocked, his wife got upset and we were relieved that an Irish musician apart from Bono could get some press. A marital breakup is always tough and thankfully it appears that Ronan and his wife Yvonne have patched their differences up. Not through intense therapy, but a trip to the zoo to see shivering camels and emotionless lions!
First it was Mark Owen, and to be frank that was bad enough for one year.
Now it’s Ronan Keating – news that made a legion of women squirt tea through their nostrils in utter horror. Water coolers in offices up and down the country were working overtime as hoards of distressed ladies tried to make sense of the fact that two of pop’s squeakiest, cleanest, and ‘devoted’ men had well and truly screwed up.
Even those lucky enough to be in a relationship found themselves lying awake at night wondering what could be happening, taking swabs from their spouse’s shirts because that red wine stain just might be lipstick. And now Charlotte Church and her orange walnut of a fiance have split up, too. Is nobody safe?
Separating the sweet, juicy flesh from the stone and skin of this week’s major label releases.
Another week, another Monday. Another soul-grinding day of pretending to like your colleagues. Even Dave in security, who will tell you all about his weekend’s sexploits despite the whole office knowing he hasn’t seen any ladybits in fifteen years.
Well come ye here, settle down in front of the glowing slavemaster, and bury your face in this week’s Mango… Read More >>>
Preening, chemically enhanced music “supremo” Louis Walsh has spoken out about his decision to step down as Boyzone’s manager, something that we didn’t even know had happened. Walsh, the man responsible for making the skin of young boys everywhere crawl to the point where it attempts to tear itself from the body of its host and choke itself.
Separating the sweet, juicy flesh from the stone and skin of this week’s major label releases.
