Or, to be more specific, they’ve opened him up to the possibility of love with immensely rich women whose plummy British accents are so ludicrous that they sound like aristocratic cats yakking up hairballs when they try to speak.

To demonstrate this, Guy Ritchie has apparently been seen ‘canoodling’ with Jemima Khan – a woman who’s basically just a singing career, an adopted African child and a wardrobe full of gruesome leotards away from actually being Madonna. Possibly.

The best thing about the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce – aside from the happy relief that we’ll never see Madonna star in a woefully-directed cockney gangster thriller about some nonces trying to turn over the Kabbalah – is that they’ve both managed to make a clean break of it.

It was simple – Madonna and Guy Ritchie decided to split up, Madonna handed Guy Ritchie an obscene amount of money and they both went on their merry ways. Since then, Madonna has been seen gyrating her crotch at Alex Rodriguez and, if today’s reports are true, a dancing teenage Jesus – although we’ll admit that we haven’t actually read today’s reports properly – and Guy Ritchie doesn’t seem to be doing too badly out of this either.

Not only has Guy Ritchie been romantically linked with a ginger girl from his new film, but he’s also apparently set his sights on Jemima Khan, the aristocratic ex-girlfriend of Hugh Grant, daughter of right-wing billionaire James Goldsmith and former wife of Star Trek villain Khan Noonien Singh.

Those of you with pointlessly long memories will remember that Jemima Khan is the woman who got the hump because Hugh Grant didn’t want to marry her and then left, and then went back to him, and then left, and then went back to him and blah blah blah forever until everyone died. And now it looks like it might be time for her to go through all that kerfuffle again with Guy RItchie. They’ve been canoodling, don’t you know. Monsters And Critics reports:

Guy Ritchie has a new squeeze, it has been reported. According to London’s Telegraph, the director was canoodling with British millionaire heiress Jemima Khan. The report says that Ritchie and Khan attended a U.K. dinner party together earlier this month, hosted by Matthew Freud and his wife, Elisabeth Murdoch.

Actually, we’re hoping this rumour is true. Guy Ritchie and Jemina Khan would be such a good match for each other. Jemima has lived her entire life in the shadow of powerful men, so we’d have to endure fewer of the ridiculous power struggles that Guy constantly had with Madonna. More importantly, though, Jemima Khan is bloody well loaded, so if Guy moves fast enough he can marry her and then divorce her by Easter and he’ll probably get another pub out of it.

Still, though – Guy Ritchie isn’t the only with a type, is he? First Hugh Grant and now Guy Ritchie? It seems like nothing turns Jemima Khan on more than British people who make rubbish films but are bizarrely lauded in America. If we were James McAvoy, we’d be investing in a decent pair of running shoes.

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Obviously by ‘it all’ we meant an out-of-control drug addiction, outbursts of domestic abuse, the worst reality TV show in history and a mutual love of manually removing constipated husks of turd out of the rectums of their loved ones with their fingers? Didn’t Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have that?

Well, yes. Yes they did. But that’s all in the past now. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown definitely aren’t getting back together, no matter how many reports you hear to the contrary. And that denial doesn’t just come from Whitney Houston, but all the imaginary demons she allegedly used to see during her gigantic crack binges as well. So, you know, it must be true.

Whitney Houston’s life has really taken off since she divorced Bobby Brown just over a year ago. Not only has she been hard at work recording her big comeback album and making herself look as completely unrecognisable as possible for said album’s artwork, but she’s also now free to date other men like, say, Osama bin Laden if she wants.

Yes, it looks like Whitney Houston has really managed to beat the odds and pull off what could be one of pop’s biggest-ever comebacks. The only thing she needs to do to stop her professional relaunch from becoming a hideous trainwreck of epic proportions is to stay away from Bobby Brown. That’s literally all. Whitney Houston needs to stay away from Bobby Brown.

So, needless to say, Whitney Houston was seen enjoying an intimate dinner in Georgia recently with, you guessed it, Bobby Brown.

Except she wasn’t. Or at least she says she wasn’t. Despite several reports to the contrary, Whitney Houston has firmly denied that she’s getting back together with Bobby Brown at all, because even she’s not that stupid. E! Online reports:

The 45-year-old singer’s publicist has issued a statement seeking to put to rest rumors of a romantic reunion between the formerly tumultuous lovebirds. Nancy Seltzer called a report in Wednesday’s Chicago Sun-Times “a complete fabrication.” The article said Houston and Brown, who divorced in April 2007, were seen in Georgia enjoying an intimate dinner.

It’s bittersweet news for us. Initially it seems like a good thing that Whitney Houston has denied rekindling her self-destructive relationship with Bobby Brown, but is it? After all, Bobby Brown was always there to keep Whitney Houston in check, either by clearing out her blocked-up colon with his fingers or by allegedly beating her up a little bit when she looked at him funny or whatever.

But let’s take Whitney Houston at her word – if she says she’s not getting back with Bobby Brown, then we have no choice but to believe that. Anyway, rumour has it that Whitney Houston has moved on from Brown anyway, and is currently enjoying the romantic attention of Ray J, the man most famous for being the male star of the Kim Kardashian sex tape.

So congratulations Whitney, that’s really a… um, what’s the word for when you think you’re getting an upgrade for something when really you’re just getting the same defective product repackaged differently? Anyway, that.

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That’s right – Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, the celebrity couple that you know nobody cares the slightest sniff about, presumably not even Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, who get shoved into your face around the clock regardless – are back on, with Aniston apparently being the guest of honour at Mayer’s 31st birthday party.

What’s more, John Mayer has apparently written a song about Jennifer Aniston to show his devotion, sealing their romance. The song, entitled Shut Up You Whiny Pinch-Faced Bitch, is due for release next month by the way.

Jennifer Aniston is starting to get on a little in years now, and her biological clock must be positively shrieking at her 24/7. Presumably it’s shrieking for her to have a baby so overwhelmingly bland that she may as well just push a pillowcase with with a marker-pen face drawn on it out of her birth canal, because her romantic partner of choice lately seems to be John Mayer, and he certainly has the genes to provide that function.

Not so long ago John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston were on, before suddenly deciding to be off again. Since then, we expect that John Mayer has been on a journey of painful introspection, anguished that he’d let the love of his life slip through his fingers just because he was mildly ashamed that he looked like a boy having an inappropriate romance with his auntie every time they went out together.

But lately there have been signs that the Manny Man Maniston relationship – yeah, we think we’ll stick with that one – was starting to flourish again. Last week Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were seen kissing at an airport, and now it seems that things are taking a turn for the serious in a blizzard of flirty text messages, birthday party invitations and songwriting, as a source told The Mirror:

“Determined to show he’s a changed man, John has cut right back down on his drinking and has pledged to quit smoking rollies – two things that really annoyed Jennifer. He has even written a song about their time together and played it to Jennifer who, naturally, was incredibly touched. But so far things are going well, and both parties are hopeful of a long-term reconciliation.”

It sounds sweet, doesn’t it, that John Mayer has thought to write a song for Jennifer Aniston. But remember, any sweetness in the gesture is obliterated by the fact that it’s a John Mayer song, and is therefore probably about as romantic as watching your boyfriend have sex with your sister as he repeatedly punches you about the face.

But still, if it makes both of them happy, then we should all be thrilled for Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer. Without a doubt, each of them has found the perfect partner for traipsing around the world scowling at the paparazzi while secretly being pleased that they’re considered important enough to still be paparazzi targets. It’s sweet.

And, yes, if they’re back on it means we’ll have to brace ourselves for a flurry of messy John Mayer/ Jennifer Aniston split stories that roughly coincide with the DVD release of He’s Just Not That Into You, but we’ll throw ourselves off that bridge when we come to it.

Sienna’s crime: bad posture. A topless Sienna Miller, hunched over like a squatting monkey, making wild gestures– just let that image sink in for a second – revokes her standard ‘Hottie Waiver’ when it comes to any moral violations such as adultery. It also subjects her to the standard Dratch Infraction. This, of course, rates the seriousness of how unattractive a woman is compared to Rachel Dratch doing, well, anything.

We’ve been informed that all charges will be dropped if Sienna Miller goes away. Forever. Please electronically sign this post in the comments section to support this cause. You can make a difference!

Sienna Miller. Sure, she’s been in a movie or two, like that hideously pathetic movie where she dates Jude Law, breaks up with him for cheating on her, gets back together with him, then breaks up a few more times… wait, that wasn’t a movie? That was her real life? Yikes.

Anyway, having been in a relationship where she was apparently cheated on, it’s time for Sienna to take her turn as the other woman, as she seems to have entered the realm of dating married men like this bloke, Balthazar Getty. He’s on that TV show Brother’s & Sisters, so you probably don’t know who he is, but your middle-aged, divorced aunt sure does.

In classic celebrity fashion, Sienna and Balthy have been denying the romance, but that’s much harder to believe now pictures of the two of them vacationing together without much clothing and lots of kissing have come out. Sienna just recently broke up with her boyfriend Rhys Ifans, and before that she dated actor Matthew Rhys.

So, it looks as though Sienna is taking a break from dating guys with ‘Rhys’ somewhere in their name, but don’t expect it to last. The word on the street is that this hunch-backed gal has a call out to John Rhys-Davies, and is expecting his arrival in his sexy Gimli costume any day now.

How serious? So serious that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have been seen out together ‘laughing at each other’s jokes’. What’s more, they might have actually kissed in private once. Whatever could be next? Hand-holding? Nonspecific fondling? This madness has to stop!

Actually, sod the confetti – it sounds like a wedding’s so inevitable here that if we have to fling shredded clumps of our own flesh at the happy couple to celebrate their union that’s what we’ll do.

Call us premature if you like, but Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer should totally have children. True, Jennifer would have got a better looking kid if got pregnant by Brad Pitt, and a funnier kid if she got pregnant by Vince Vaughn, but a John Mayer baby is a guarantee that at least Jennifer Aniston will have a baby with quite nice hair – hopefully nice enough to disguise the fact that it’ll be the dullest baby ever born.

Why the sudden rush to imagine what a Jennifer Aniston/ John Mayer baby will look like? Because they’re totally doing it is why. The early rumours suggesting a romance between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer seem to be spot on, because Aniston has been seen cavorting around in public with Mayer in that kind of ‘look at me, I’m so happy’ way that women do when they get a new boyfriend who obviously isn’t as good as their last one.

And that in itself is a big step – when Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn were together they didn’t even show up to the red carpet at the same time for movie premieres, even when it was the premiere for the movie that they both starred in together. Entire episodes of Oprah were dedicated to Jennifer Aniston explaining that she didn’t really like Vince Vaughn as much as everyone thought. So actual physical touching in public seems like a pretty big step, as OK reports:

And, fingers crossed, she might have just stumbled onto it. It’s been reported that Jennifer Aniston may have found love with squidge-faced bluesman John Mayer after the pair of them were both seen eating in a restaurant with ‘their heads close together.’ Sounds like love to us.

If it’s true it’s nice to see that Jennifer Aniston has successfully moved on from Brad Pitt once and for all, and has learnt her lesson about getting into relationships with tedious-looking prettyboys by getting into a relationship with a… oh. Never mind.

Hey, remember when Jennifer Aniston was married to Brad Pitt, perhaps the most desired man on the planet? And remember when Jennifer Aniston found love with Vince Vaughn who, while not fitting the conventional parameters of attractiveness, was still one of the most popular movie stars on the planet at the time?

You do? Well, let’s hope that Jennifer Aniston doesn’t remember any of that, because now she might have got herself involved with one of Jessica Simpson’s cast-offs, and that’s quite a depressing drop in quality.

Jennifer Aniston is currently in Miami filming Marley & Me, a film about a dog who stops Owen Wilson from committing suicide or something. Anyway, although there were murmurings of an Aniston/ Wilson romance, hopes were dashed when Owen Wilson got back together with Kate Hudson.

That left two options open to Jennifer Aniston – either start banging on about Brad Pitt again, which might be starting to get a bit old, or hook up with the first pretty-haired troubadour who crosses her path, even if he does have a history of boning whichever female celebrity happens to be nearest.

Which we assume is why Jennifer Aniston was seen eating dinner with John Mayer recently. Well, we say ’seen’. It’s more accurate to suggest that the restaurant owner basically just stood outside his front and yelled “Hey, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer just ate in here! They’re totally doing it!” through a loudhailer, as People reports:

When it came to lunch, “I was happy to accommodate them,” says Charles Bell, general manager of Michael’s Genuine Food & Drink in the Miami Design District, which opened its doors for the pair early at 3:30 p.m. for the 90-minute meal… The same also seemed to be true later in the day, when the two were seen at Casa Tua on South Beach. When they returned to her hotel, they were observed holding hands. “We are very discreet here,” the manager of Casa Tua told PEOPLE after the two had departed. “That is why we have celebrity guests.”

It’s early days for Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer yet – they’re still at the stage where restaurant owners can still cash in over the fact that they’ve eaten at their establishment – but things might just work out fine for them both. For a start, John Mayer isn’t starring in a film with Jennifer Aniston, so that’ll fend off accusations that their relationship is a marketing ploy. And also he’s not nearly as handsome as Brad Pitt, so that bitch Angelina Jolie is less likely to steal him away.

And if things go really well, then maybe Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer will even have babies. If that’s the case then we can be certain that the Aniston/Mayer baby will have beautiful hair. And it’ll also be boring, a bit whiny and ridiculously annoying, but the hair will make up for that.

Read more:

Jennifer Aniston On the Town with John Mayer – People