Mila Kunis clearly doesn’t think much of herself. Her self esteem is so obviously low that even we, the troglodytes of the ‘spray hovel, can feel completely superior to her. That said, she did spend a bit of time between Natalie Portman’s legs in Black Swan, whereas we have to make do with photocopies of her face with a hole poked in the mouth.

That said, Kunis used to willingly have sex with Macaulay Culkin and even we’re not that depressed and lonely.

Where we sync up is accepting sexual advances from weirdos on the internet. Jaded writers relying on the kindness of strangers is no big news, but a successful actress with a nice face? Yep. It’s true. Mila has agreed to go on a date with a US Marine sergeant who asked her out for a date on YouTube.

The actress was shown the clip where Sgt Scott Moore asked her to be his date for the Marine Corps Ball in November (if you care about such things, he’s paid to kill people with the 3rd Battalion 2nd Marines in Afghanistan) and our army chum introduces himself as Sergeant Moore but says she can call him Scotty.

And then he probably thought about making a joke about ‘standing to attention’, but wisely sidestepped it.

So what wooed the cripplingly lonely Kunis? Well, the video showed Scotty being too hotty with his buzzcut head walking through a heavily-fortified compound in full combat gear. He said, with a look of ‘don’t ever ask me how many people I’ve had to destroy’:

“I just want to take a moment out of my day to invite you to the Marine Corps Ball on 18 November in Greenville, North Carolina, with yours truly”

“So take a second, think about it and get back to me.”

Mila Kunis decided that she was going to make it happen. This will, of course, end up in a crudely made drunken sex-tape with Scotty ‘spud-deep’ in the Hollywood starlet while his colleagues egg him on, whooping and drinking weak beer from red cups.

Can’t wait to see it.

*vomits in hand*

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Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, and then promptly stopped making records because there’s more money in the movies. Seeing as we don’t have a proper male pop-superstar, we can blame JT for Justin bloody Bieber.

And Mila Kunis is the woman who indulged in some lavendering with Natalie Portman in Black Swan, which will keep most of you in mucky thoughts for a lifetime.

Both of these attractive humans appear in a film called Friends With Benefits and for the most part, they’re both naked in it. Two attractive people with no clothes on. What a nice image to have in your head, which will slowly erode your sense of worth because you begin to feel more ugly with each vinegar stroke.

They don’t care about you though. This pair are too busy having great chemistry and looking pretty. And as they sat down for an interview, the both went at it like old pros, eased by the fact they’ve both seen each other completely in the nip.

SO DOES THIS MEAN THEY’LL BE HAVING SEX IN REAL LIFE? Justin thinks not:

“It is such a good idea—until it’s a bad idea”

Mila agreed:

“I concur. Ultimately, it ends when someone wants to go and get serious with somebody. More times than not, a person catches feelings and somebody gets hurt.”

She wasn’t done there. She wanted to bring in cod-science to the table:

“[When] a female orgasms, a hormone gets released. I’ve never met a girl who can have sex without an ounce of feeling.”

She then chirruped to ol’ Timberloin

“You’ve got a fine ass!”

Justin wasn’t so sure:

“I’m still trying to get into the editing room and cut down on my ass time. I’m like, ‘Oh my God, my mom’s gonna see that!’”

Nothing that Mother Timberlake hasn’t seen before though, right Justin?

“I was caught (having sex) one time. My mum wasn’t cool about it. I was too young to be in bed with a girl, so she was upset.”

And now all our female readers are thinking about having sex with Justin Timberlake while all our male readers are frustrated that they’ll never be as handsome, leading them to feel worthless and unfanciable to their girlfriends.

How depressing.

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Gutted. Not long into their relationship, Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez’s relationship has ended. Alex who? Well, all you need to know is that he looks like The Rock, only if The Rock was a vagabond in the desert, living off the flesh of cactuses and the powdery bone-marrow of those which had died there.

Basically he’s like The Rock but thinner. And single. Very, very single.

Of course, this is devastating news for us all because, as you know, everyone on Earth is required to take part in the ‘Diaz Minute’, where the world is unified for one moment where we all down tools and reflect on how great she is. We sit on our special Diaz Beanbags and quietly ponder about her happiness and we hope that, in her already painfully luxurious life, she’s greedy enough to be happy in love too. She isn’t. She’s probably crying in her kitchen now, surrounded by empty cans of treacly super-strength beer.

Naturally, this will be very painful to read for everyone… but not as painful as the whole thing is for the couple in question. And so, we’ll go to a ‘source’ to tell us all about it.

“They broke up a few days ago. He ended it”

Imagine! You’re a man who looks like Dwayne Johnson if he’d been raised by coyotes and having the audacity to dump one of the most coveted women the Nineties ever saw! What cheek! What grief inducing nerve! And he’s a stupid baseball player too! Running around with his hitting stick for the Yankees! God! What an unswerving pleb!

WAIT! It isn’t over yet!

“However, they have broken up and gotten back together before, so not sure it’s forever.”

Of course, there’s no comment from both parties reps, because presumably, they’ve got other clients who they’re quickly covering things up for.

We think it would be only fair for Diaz to acknowledge some of her stalkers in this tricky period and allow them into her house and have sex with them all in some tear-filled rebound sex-week.

It is the only thing that’s going to make a tedious story like this worth writing about.

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Hey ladies and homosexual men! How many times have you imagined having some kind of sexual activity with Justin Timberlake? Sadly for you, he’s never even considered you as a conquest because you’re as ugly as a barrel of rubber Brian Sewell masks. Sorry.

No, our Justin is linked with the world’s most beautiful women, all of whom are lucky enough to be in with a shout of seeing exactly what makes up Justin’s ‘triple threat’ (stuff to do with kissing boobs, bits and bum no doubt, the mucky bugger).

However, one person who isn’t flashing her under carriage at JT is Olivia Wilde who you’ll know as being that woman from Tron or something.

There’s been rumours that Timberlake, who still stubbornly refuses to do the right thing and make an album for us to all enjoy because he’s being a stinking thesp, was seen doing rude things with Wilde in a nightclub in LA.

However, Wilde is keen to bat all these rumours away, as ever, via Twitter:

“Cool it, honeybadgers. We are just friends and have been for years.”

Sorry. We’re thinking about vermin covered in bee excrement now. How disgusting. It’s probably some kind of bizarre Hollywood sex practise.

Anyway, some source wants to chip in as well and, because there’s not much to this story, we’re willing to let them talk to pad the article out.

They say:

“They’ve been friends since they worked together on Alpha Dog. Nothing’s going on. They’re just friends.”

Justin of course, has just split-up with Jessica Biel, so he’s probably being dragged around by his glans like its dowsing for water. And obviously, it is pulling him in the direction of Olivia Wilde. Or Mila Kunis. Or both at the same time on the world’s best booty call.

TWAT.

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Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene have, crushingly, called time on their romance. What will us plebs aspire to now in matters of the heart. For here, we lie jaded, broken and listlessly twitching on our knees, wondering if true love even exists anymore.

It is gone, blown away on a cruel, tender breeze along with our hopes which are fading like the last lingering flickers of the day as the sun sets in all of our hearts.

And Joe Jonas (who may or may not be pictured right, we’ve no idea which clone we’ve featured) is totally not a great big gay. Okay? He’s not. He’s really not a massive gay. Just to clear that up.

The singing Clonas has been trying to insert as many fingers as humanly possible up the groin of the Twilight actress since summer have reportedly split. We say ‘reportedly’ in case they change their minds, which they won’t because some spokespeople have confirmed the news.

Libel law is almost as stupid as your average Twilight fan.

Anyway, Greene, who will be starring as chaste emo vampire Alice Cullen in the final film in the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, went public with Whichever Clonas we’re currently talking about last autumn and were reportedly spotted ‘being affectionate in Disneyland’.

In case you didn’t know, ‘being affectionate’ means penetration and ‘Disneyland’ means ‘anus’.

A source, who we don’t actually care if they’re reliable or not, says:

“He thinks she is down-to-earth and absolutely beautiful. He hasn’t been this into a girl in a long time”

See? As many fingers as humanly possible. The ‘Disney’ area.

So. They’ve split up and junk. We’ll set up a helpline for you snivelling wimps who can’t process this obviously awful news and mock you ’til you snap out of it.

Okay?

Oh, and Joe Jonas is definitely not a young gay man who likes kissing gay men on the lips and Disneyland. Definitely not. Absolutely, definitely not a gay.

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Remember when Justin Timberlake made records? That was fun wasn’t it? He came along and gave us the tunes Michael Jackson was too chicken to chance his arm on and generally revived everyone’s hopes for a decent male popstar.

Then, after a few decent spots on Saturday Night Live, he beggared off and started making films, leaving us to suffer Justin Bieber and… well… there’s no other famous male singers. Thanks Timberlake, you inconsiderate swine.

And thanks to being a genuine triple-threat, Timberlake is not exactly short of female admirers (and male admirers no doubt). So, Justin is in the enviable position of being able to ditch Jessica Biel in favour of Mila Kunis. His life must be awful, eh?

Jessica ‘Everyone Fancies Her, Even The Dead Probably’ Biel is now on the market, faced with a sea of men who aren’t Justin Timberlake. Us chaps will have to rely on our… well…our… okay, we’ve got nothing on Timberlake. He’s friends with Snoop and brought sexy back while the rest of mankind brought beer guts back.

Gah.

And so, Justin tiptoes away from one attractive and famous woman to Mila ‘Yep, She’s The One Who Fellated Natalie Portman In Black Swan’ Kunis. Her ex is Macaulay Culkin, so she’ll be absolutely thrilled at the chance of sharing a bed with a man who doesn’t have a face like a chewed-up rubber ear.

So everyone’s happy right? Well, everyone who is Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. Everyone else is actually really depressed at all this. Our doughy bodies and deep-sea genitals can never hope to compare to this pairing. They’re all smooth like Kinder Eggs while we look on, resembling cottage cheese with legs.

Thanks to our collective hideousness, we’ll have to turn to the only solace we have left – cruel jealousy.

This makes Timberlake a dead-eyed ‘love rat’ and Kunis a heartless, cold hearted homewrecker. Poor ol’ Biel. She didn’t deserve any of this.

Wait! A source has something to say!

“Mila had nothing to do with their break-up”

“In fact, no one came between them. They decided their relationship ran its course and it was time to move on.”

Oh. Stupid sources coming along and spoiling it for us. We wanted to wallow in our self pity for a while before getting on with important things like placing frozen peas in our ear canals.

What? There’s more?

“They’re not in a relationship. They star in a movie called Friends with Benefits but they’re just friends. That’s it. They are not together.”

This isn’t even news then? We’ve been wasting everyone’s time? No change there. To make this worthwhile, be sure to pass the Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are an item thing on as fact.

It’s more fun that way.

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The Palin family are just great aren’t they? In Sarah Palin, we have a woman who doesn’t know a single thing about the world outside of Alaska (she probably thinks Mary Poppins is a gritty documentary about England) and in Bristol, we’ve got a gal who has the cold, dead stare of someone who has witnessed the unspeakable.

Of course, she used to date the most hilarious man in America – Levi Johnston – a man made entirely of satire. He got her pregnant, then promptly went about slagging off anyone with the surname Palin. That probably includes Michael Palin.

Anyway, after being rubbish at dancing on television, Bristol has been looking for love or something. And apparently, she’s found it in the most likely of places – The Alaskan pipeline!

Bristol, was recently asked by the jocks of the Bob & Mark Show if she was seeing a 20-year-old Alaska pipeline worker. She probably spends a lot of time around the pipeline with her mum, straddling it while stroking a gleaming gun, waiting for any pesky Russians who might come along and try to divert all that lovely oil to… oh we dunno… filthy communists and terrorists!

Bristol says about her lovelife:

“I’m seeing a guy and he’s really great and Tripp loves him and we’re having a really good time and we’re really good friends”

“Yeah, we can go with that. I’m thrilled. I love the town that I live in. I love my house. Tripp’s happy; he’s healthy. It was cool. It made Dancing with the Stars worth it, for sure.”

What? Is she saying that this new bloke of hers is ‘healthy’ and that he only tapped her ass because she was on Dancing With The Stars?

Jesus wept… she’s not a fussy girl is she?

Bristol also decided to let everyone know that she’s changed Tripp’s last name to Palin. Although, she’s not done it legally because expert satirist Levi is rather reluctant to do so.

She explains:

“Yeah, I’ve asked Levi to do it many different times, just get it out of the way, just sign over his parental rights, but I don’t know if he will or if he wants to right now. I’ve asked him to do that many times – just say, ‘Hey, look, let’s just avoid this custody case that’s been ongoing since Tripp was born just get it over with just sign over your rights. He’s always going to be your son, you can see him whenever you want to,’ but he just doesn’t want to sign him over because it looks bad on paper. Since Dancing With the Stars he’s seen him, at the most, three times. It’s like four hours I think. It’s unfortunate for Tripp.”

That’s the way things work in Palinland. ‘Just sign over your parental rights’ and everything will be tickety boo for everyone, okay? No seriously. It won’t stop you from seeing your child. There’s no accounting for what my mental mother might do once that happens, but y’know, there’s no beef here!

Head. On. Desk.

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Pot Noodle headed Taylor Swift and tree-faced Jake Gyllenhaal have, apparently, broken up. That didn’t last long did it? Clearly, this is a cheap ploy on behalf of Gyllenhaal to get free promotion from Swift as she writes all about it on her next insipidly twee album of soul-searching garbage.

Taylor Swift is clearly an unbearable human. Even Kanye West hates her and he’s one of the most preposterous dipsticks in human history.

Jake Hisnameistoolonganddifficulttospellwithoutcheckingtentimes is the latest on the list of men who seemingly can’t stand to be in the company of Taylor Swift.

In the past, Joe Jonas (one of the Jonas Clones) and Twilight brooder Taylor Lautner are other suffering men who probably once thought “She seems kinda nice” before, we can only assume, they either discovered some sick-making revelation about the country-pop singer or, y’know, realised that spending a lot of time with her would actually mean that they would have to listen to her music once in a while.

Jake GelatinousHall was first seen stepping out with Swift backstage at Saturday Night Live in October and went as far as spending a Thanksgiving weekend with her. However, it seems that they cheered in the New Year separately.

A source told People.com:

“They’re over – it ended last month.”

Their respective spokesidiots are currently not offering any sort of comment, which of course, gives everyone else the opportunity to make up stories about the whole thing and pass themselves off as ‘a friend’ or ‘a source’. That’s how we make our money.

Next week, every single writer for hecklerspray intends to get Taylor on the rebound so she can write a concept album about a snarky gossip blog which everyone hates.

Perez Hilton will be so insanely jealous that he might walk into a Black Eyed Pea fist all over again.

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In recent years, it seems that just about anyone can get their own range of perfume. Jade Goody even got one! It seems that you don’t have to be famous for a prolonged period or, indeed, a celebrity associated with fashion… you just get one simply by being.

Even the bloody Sex Pistols have a perfume out, which is quite frankly, preposterous! And now, on the back of fragrances from Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift is now going to have a bottle of scented water launched with her name on it.

If you care even slightly, Taylor Swift will be making the perfume with Elizabeth Arden and it will be on the shelves in late 2011.

That’s right nostril owners!

On Monday, Elizabeth Arden announced the new Taylor Swift perfume and also revealed the signature Swift fragrance will be available in late 2011.

The Taylor Swift perfume doesn’t have a name or anything like that yet, but it is said that she’ll be involved in product development, packaging and marketing of the Swift perfume.

So what can we expect?

Well, it’s pretty obvious that it’ll be a twee affair. It’ll probably smell vaguely like flowers, grass and general outdoorsery, because Swift is like, y’know, a rural Earthy type.

The packaging will no doubt be all cutesy, pink and covered in butterflies and ribbons and be the most girlie thing ever released.

However, if it is to stay true to the personality of the singer, then it will have to be essentially a bottle of virtually unscented water that is somehow more boring that water itself.

Imagine a cup of lukewarm water left on a windowsill next to a scented candle and you’re aiming toward the right area for what this product will (should?) be like.

Unless of course, it is made from Taylor’s tears, spilled from her ducts when thinking about all those mind-crushingly dull boyfriends she’s had all these years.

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If rumours are to be believed, then Taylor Swift’s next album is going to be about Jake Gyllenhaal. That means, of course, her next album is going to be filled with boring love songs or boring break-up songs. The only thing that’s certain is that it will be more tedious than eating Rich Tea biscuits covered in cat litter.

Why doesn’t Taylor fall on the sword for her ‘art’ and go out with someone massively inappropriate like Randy Quaid or Dog The Bounty Hunter? That would ensure that her next album was a total hoot to listen to!

However, Taylor is insistent on dating people as dull as she is and apparently, she spend the weekend with Jake Gyllencan’tbebothertypinghisnameoutconstantly in New York city. They probably drank some coffee and sat silently in a park looking at ducks.

That’s not true actually. The date went like this.

She took him to a taping of Saturday Night Live (and by ‘taping’, you can assume that this meant going to see it being filmed, rather than the pair switched the TV but watched the digital numbers go ’round on her VHS recorder as it taped the show from the television – although that seems plausible) and when the lights dimmed, she told her bodyguard to sling his hook so that Gyllenhaal could sit next to her and nearly hold her hand.

A witness:

“They chatted a lot, but no kissing or hand holding or anything affectionate.”

If she’d dated Dog the Bounty Hunter, he would have sneakily got to second base and then leapt through the air to catch some criminal while shouting “Brah” at the end of every sentence.

Then, the coma-inducing duo spent the next day having brunch (the most boring of all meals) before taking a stroll in Brooklyn’s Park Slope neighborhood.

That’s where they probably silently stared at ducks.

And of course, Him From Donnie Darko will end up in a boring ditty:

Taylor says:

“Every person I’ve fallen for, they’ve all been a song. That kind of justifies [the exes] being in my life.”

God knows she didn’t pick up tips on how to give blow-jobs or anything vaguely interesting or salacious as that. If you date a Jonas brother, all you’re going to learn is how to constantly talk like you’re in a job interview.

Here’s hoping that Taylor Swift gets addicted to mind-bending drugs over the course of the next 12 months. Or a plane engine lands on her house. That’d be fun.

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Taylor Swift  – musical cress – has had a bumper 12 months or so, rising to baffling stardom with the twee-est, more Dawson Creeky music ever written and, of course, finding  time to get involved in the lamest beef ever with Kanye West.

And like all whining singer-songwriters, she’s rather fond of baring her soul through her songs, which usually equates to complaining about ex-lovers. We’ve yet to hear any singer-songwriter crooning about crying over a compilation tape that an ex made for them. Bad darts.

Anyway, Taylor is now single (presumably because no-one wants to become the subject of one of her insipid ditties) and she’s revealed that she’s loving it and not looking for a new boyfriend.

The singer and actress has dated Joe Jonas and Twilight star Taylor Lautner in the past, which puts an image of staggeringly dull sex in our filthy heads. You can imagine just about any of the mentioned people dry heaving and nearly fainting at the mere presence of an engorged member.

They’re all so toweringly feeble that any movement of blood to an extremity would probably see them crying with dizziness.

And so, Swift has noted that, while her relationships inspire her work, she’s not planning on jumping into a new one anytime soon.

She might be enjoying ‘the single life’ like the girls hecklerspray knows from the pub by jumping into beds with strangers. That, or she really likes being despairingly lonely.

There’s probably a sensible third option, but we can’t be bothered to acknowledge it properly because we’re gits like that.

Taylor said:

“Being single is wonderful and I love it. I don’t ever have a morning where I wake up and say, ‘I really need to find a boyfriend today.’”

That’s not stopping people linking Taylor romantically to yet another beige dullard… this time, John Mayer. And all this is probably going into the next album.

Taylor revealed:

“I will say everything in my music.”

“There’s been extreme joy, extreme pain, extreme curveballs. Sometimes when things impact you so intensely, it takes writing a song to get over them.”

That’s right.

Get all those raw emotions and then get the rolling pin out and painfully and slowly surpress them until they sound like every other bland MOR bollocks ever written.

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All those years of marriage to Madonna have done something strange to Guy Ritchie – they’ve opened him up to the possibility of love.

Or, to be more specific, they’ve opened him up to the possibility of love with immensely rich women whose plummy British accents are so ludicrous that they sound like aristocratic cats yakking up hairballs when they try to speak.

To demonstrate this, Guy Ritchie has apparently been seen ‘canoodling’ with Jemima Khan – a woman who’s basically just a singing career, an adopted African child and a wardrobe full of gruesome leotards away from actually being Madonna. Possibly.

The best thing about the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce – aside from the happy relief that we’ll never see Madonna star in a woefully-directed cockney gangster thriller about some nonces trying to turn over the Kabbalah – is that they’ve both managed to make a clean break of it.

It was simple – Madonna and Guy Ritchie decided to split up, Madonna handed Guy Ritchie an obscene amount of money and they both went on their merry ways. Since then, Madonna has been seen gyrating her crotch at Alex Rodriguez and, if today’s reports are true, a dancing teenage Jesus – although we’ll admit that we haven’t actually read today’s reports properly – and Guy Ritchie doesn’t seem to be doing too badly out of this either.

Not only has Guy Ritchie been romantically linked with a ginger girl from his new film, but he’s also apparently set his sights on Jemima Khan, the aristocratic ex-girlfriend of Hugh Grant, daughter of right-wing billionaire James Goldsmith and former wife of Star Trek villain Khan Noonien Singh.

Those of you with pointlessly long memories will remember that Jemima Khan is the woman who got the hump because Hugh Grant didn’t want to marry her and then left, and then went back to him, and then left, and then went back to him and blah blah blah forever until everyone died. And now it looks like it might be time for her to go through all that kerfuffle again with Guy RItchie. They’ve been canoodling, don’t you know. Monsters And Critics reports:

Guy Ritchie has a new squeeze, it has been reported. According to London’s Telegraph, the director was canoodling with British millionaire heiress Jemima Khan. The report says that Ritchie and Khan attended a U.K. dinner party together earlier this month, hosted by Matthew Freud and his wife, Elisabeth Murdoch.

Actually, we’re hoping this rumour is true. Guy Ritchie and Jemina Khan would be such a good match for each other. Jemima has lived her entire life in the shadow of powerful men, so we’d have to endure fewer of the ridiculous power struggles that Guy constantly had with Madonna. More importantly, though, Jemima Khan is bloody well loaded, so if Guy moves fast enough he can marry her and then divorce her by Easter and he’ll probably get another pub out of it.

Still, though – Guy Ritchie isn’t the only with a type, is he? First Hugh Grant and now Guy Ritchie? It seems like nothing turns Jemima Khan on more than British people who make rubbish films but are bizarrely lauded in America. If we were James McAvoy, we’d be investing in a decent pair of running shoes.

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To quote one of her own bellowed-out power ballads, didn’t Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have it all?

Obviously by ‘it all’ we meant an out-of-control drug addiction, outbursts of domestic abuse, the worst reality TV show in history and a mutual love of manually removing constipated husks of turd out of the rectums of their loved ones with their fingers? Didn’t Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have that?

Well, yes. Yes they did. But that’s all in the past now. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown definitely aren’t getting back together, no matter how many reports you hear to the contrary. And that denial doesn’t just come from Whitney Houston, but all the imaginary demons she allegedly used to see during her gigantic crack binges as well. So, you know, it must be true.

Whitney Houston’s life has really taken off since she divorced Bobby Brown just over a year ago. Not only has she been hard at work recording her big comeback album and making herself look as completely unrecognisable as possible for said album’s artwork, but she’s also now free to date other men like, say, Osama bin Laden if she wants.

Yes, it looks like Whitney Houston has really managed to beat the odds and pull off what could be one of pop’s biggest-ever comebacks. The only thing she needs to do to stop her professional relaunch from becoming a hideous trainwreck of epic proportions is to stay away from Bobby Brown. That’s literally all. Whitney Houston needs to stay away from Bobby Brown.

So, needless to say, Whitney Houston was seen enjoying an intimate dinner in Georgia recently with, you guessed it, Bobby Brown.

Except she wasn’t. Or at least she says she wasn’t. Despite several reports to the contrary, Whitney Houston has firmly denied that she’s getting back together with Bobby Brown at all, because even she’s not that stupid. E! Online reports:

The 45-year-old singer’s publicist has issued a statement seeking to put to rest rumors of a romantic reunion between the formerly tumultuous lovebirds. Nancy Seltzer called a report in Wednesday’s Chicago Sun-Times “a complete fabrication.” The article said Houston and Brown, who divorced in April 2007, were seen in Georgia enjoying an intimate dinner.

It’s bittersweet news for us. Initially it seems like a good thing that Whitney Houston has denied rekindling her self-destructive relationship with Bobby Brown, but is it? After all, Bobby Brown was always there to keep Whitney Houston in check, either by clearing out her blocked-up colon with his fingers or by allegedly beating her up a little bit when she looked at him funny or whatever.

But let’s take Whitney Houston at her word – if she says she’s not getting back with Bobby Brown, then we have no choice but to believe that. Anyway, rumour has it that Whitney Houston has moved on from Brown anyway, and is currently enjoying the romantic attention of Ray J, the man most famous for being the male star of the Kim Kardashian sex tape.

So congratulations Whitney, that’s really a… um, what’s the word for when you think you’re getting an upgrade for something when really you’re just getting the same defective product repackaged differently? Anyway, that.

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Mayerston? Johnnifer? Jehn Anistayer? Manny Man Maniston? We need to think up a cute compound name fast, because Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back on.

That’s right – Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, the celebrity couple that you know nobody cares the slightest sniff about, presumably not even Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, who get shoved into your face around the clock regardless – are back on, with Aniston apparently being the guest of honour at Mayer’s 31st birthday party.

What’s more, John Mayer has apparently written a song about Jennifer Aniston to show his devotion, sealing their romance. The song, entitled Shut Up You Whiny Pinch-Faced Bitch, is due for release next month by the way.

Jennifer Aniston is starting to get on a little in years now, and her biological clock must be positively shrieking at her 24/7. Presumably it’s shrieking for her to have a baby so overwhelmingly bland that she may as well just push a pillowcase with with a marker-pen face drawn on it out of her birth canal, because her romantic partner of choice lately seems to be John Mayer, and he certainly has the genes to provide that function.

Not so long ago John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston were on, before suddenly deciding to be off again. Since then, we expect that John Mayer has been on a journey of painful introspection, anguished that he’d let the love of his life slip through his fingers just because he was mildly ashamed that he looked like a boy having an inappropriate romance with his auntie every time they went out together.

But lately there have been signs that the Manny Man Maniston relationship – yeah, we think we’ll stick with that one – was starting to flourish again. Last week Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were seen kissing at an airport, and now it seems that things are taking a turn for the serious in a blizzard of flirty text messages, birthday party invitations and songwriting, as a source told The Mirror:

“Determined to show he’s a changed man, John has cut right back down on his drinking and has pledged to quit smoking rollies – two things that really annoyed Jennifer. He has even written a song about their time together and played it to Jennifer who, naturally, was incredibly touched. But so far things are going well, and both parties are hopeful of a long-term reconciliation.”

It sounds sweet, doesn’t it, that John Mayer has thought to write a song for Jennifer Aniston. But remember, any sweetness in the gesture is obliterated by the fact that it’s a John Mayer song, and is therefore probably about as romantic as watching your boyfriend have sex with your sister as he repeatedly punches you about the face.

But still, if it makes both of them happy, then we should all be thrilled for Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer. Without a doubt, each of them has found the perfect partner for traipsing around the world scowling at the paparazzi while secretly being pleased that they’re considered important enough to still be paparazzi targets. It’s sweet.

And, yes, if they’re back on it means we’ll have to brace ourselves for a flurry of messy John Mayer/ Jennifer Aniston split stories that roughly coincide with the DVD release of He’s Just Not That Into You, but we’ll throw ourselves off that bridge when we come to it.

Sienna Miller has committed a grievous crime. She was recently photographed off the coast of Italy all lovey-dovey with actor Balthazar Getty, who is married with four children.

Sienna’s crime: bad posture. A topless Sienna Miller, hunched over like a squatting monkey, making wild gestures– just let that image sink in for a second – revokes her standard ‘Hottie Waiver’ when it comes to any moral violations such as adultery. It also subjects her to the standard Dratch Infraction. This, of course, rates the seriousness of how unattractive a woman is compared to Rachel Dratch doing, well, anything.

We’ve been informed that all charges will be dropped if Sienna Miller goes away. Forever. Please electronically sign this post in the comments section to support this cause. You can make a difference!

Sienna Miller. Sure, she’s been in a movie or two, like that hideously pathetic movie where she dates Jude Law, breaks up with him for cheating on her, gets back together with him, then breaks up a few more times… wait, that wasn’t a movie? That was her real life? Yikes.

Anyway, having been in a relationship where she was apparently cheated on, it’s time for Sienna to take her turn as the other woman, as she seems to have entered the realm of dating married men like this bloke, Balthazar Getty. He’s on that TV show Brother’s & Sisters, so you probably don’t know who he is, but your middle-aged, divorced aunt sure does.

In classic celebrity fashion, Sienna and Balthy have been denying the romance, but that’s much harder to believe now pictures of the two of them vacationing together without much clothing and lots of kissing have come out. Sienna just recently broke up with her boyfriend Rhys Ifans, and before that she dated actor Matthew Rhys.

So, it looks as though Sienna is taking a break from dating guys with ‘Rhys’ somewhere in their name, but don’t expect it to last. The word on the street is that this hunch-backed gal has a call out to John Rhys-Davies, and is expecting his arrival in his sexy Gimli costume any day now.