Mila Kunis clearly doesn’t think much of herself. Her self esteem is so obviously low that even we, the troglodytes of the ‘spray hovel, can feel completely superior to her. That said, she did spend a bit of time between Natalie Portman’s legs in Black Swan, whereas we have to make do with photocopies of her face with a hole poked in the mouth.
That said, Kunis used to willingly have sex with Macaulay Culkin and even we’re not that depressed and lonely.
Where we sync up is accepting sexual advances from weirdos on the internet. Jaded writers relying on the kindness of strangers is no big news, but a successful actress with a nice face? Yep. It’s true. Mila has agreed to go on a date with a US Marine sergeant who asked her out for a date on YouTube.
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Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, and then promptly stopped making records because there’s more money in the movies. Seeing as we don’t have a proper male pop-superstar, we can blame JT for Justin bloody Bieber.
And Mila Kunis is the woman who indulged in some lavendering with Natalie Portman in Black Swan, which will keep most of you in mucky thoughts for a lifetime.
Both of these attractive humans appear in a film called Friends With Benefits and for the most part, they’re both naked in it. Two attractive people with no clothes on. What a nice image to have in your head, which will slowly erode your sense of worth because you begin to feel more ugly with each vinegar stroke.
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Gutted. Not long into their relationship, Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez’s relationship has ended. Alex who? Well, all you need to know is that he looks like The Rock, only if The Rock was a vagabond in the desert, living off the flesh of cactuses and the powdery bone-marrow of those which had died there.
Basically he’s like The Rock but thinner. And single. Very, very single.
Of course, this is devastating news for us all because, as you know, everyone on Earth is required to take part in the ‘Diaz Minute’, where the world is unified for one moment where we all down tools and reflect on how great she is. We sit on our special Diaz Beanbags and quietly ponder about her happiness and we hope that, in her already painfully luxurious life, she’s greedy enough to be happy in love too. She isn’t. She’s probably crying in her kitchen now, surrounded by empty cans of treacly super-strength beer.
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Hey ladies and homosexual men! How many times have you imagined having some kind of sexual activity with Justin Timberlake? Sadly for you, he’s never even considered you as a conquest because you’re as ugly as a barrel of rubber Brian Sewell masks. Sorry.
No, our Justin is linked with the world’s most beautiful women, all of whom are lucky enough to be in with a shout of seeing exactly what makes up Justin’s ‘triple threat’ (stuff to do with kissing boobs, bits and bum no doubt, the mucky bugger).
However, one person who isn’t flashing her under carriage at JT is Olivia Wilde who you’ll know as being that woman from Tron or something.
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Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene have, crushingly, called time on their romance. What will us plebs aspire to now in matters of the heart. For here, we lie jaded, broken and listlessly twitching on our knees, wondering if true love even exists anymore.
It is gone, blown away on a cruel, tender breeze along with our hopes which are fading like the last lingering flickers of the day as the sun sets in all of our hearts.
And Joe Jonas (who may or may not be pictured right, we’ve no idea which clone we’ve featured) is totally not a great big gay. Okay? He’s not. He’s really not a massive gay. Just to clear that up.
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Remember when Justin Timberlake made records? That was fun wasn’t it? He came along and gave us the tunes Michael Jackson was too chicken to chance his arm on and generally revived everyone’s hopes for a decent male popstar.
Then, after a few decent spots on Saturday Night Live, he beggared off and started making films, leaving us to suffer Justin Bieber and… well… there’s no other famous male singers. Thanks Timberlake, you inconsiderate swine.
And thanks to being a genuine triple-threat, Timberlake is not exactly short of female admirers (and male admirers no doubt). So, Justin is in the enviable position of being able to ditch Jessica Biel in favour of Mila Kunis. His life must be awful, eh?
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The Palin family are just great aren’t they? In Sarah Palin, we have a woman who doesn’t know a single thing about the world outside of Alaska (she probably thinks Mary Poppins is a gritty documentary about England) and in Bristol, we’ve got a gal who has the cold, dead stare of someone who has witnessed the unspeakable.
Of course, she used to date the most hilarious man in America – Levi Johnston – a man made entirely of satire. He got her pregnant, then promptly went about slagging off anyone with the surname Palin. That probably includes Michael Palin.
Anyway, after being rubbish at dancing on television, Bristol has been looking for love or something. And apparently, she’s found it in the most likely of places – The Alaskan pipeline!
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Pot Noodle headed Taylor Swift and tree-faced Jake Gyllenhaal have, apparently, broken up. That didn’t last long did it? Clearly, this is a cheap ploy on behalf of Gyllenhaal to get free promotion from Swift as she writes all about it on her next insipidly twee album of soul-searching garbage.
Taylor Swift is clearly an unbearable human. Even Kanye West hates her and he’s one of the most preposterous dipsticks in human history.
Jake Hisnameistoolonganddifficulttospellwithoutcheckingtentimes is the latest on the list of men who seemingly can’t stand to be in the company of Taylor Swift.
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