This Christmas, spare a thought for poor old Roman Polanski. Things haven’t been going his way at all lately.

He’s going to have a rubbish Christmas. And considering that he’s spent at least the last 30 Christmases on the lam in Europe after being convicted of having sex with a 13-year-old girl, that means it’s going to be incredibly rubbish. You see, an American court has just decided not to dismiss Roman Polanski’s unlawful sex case, despite him asking really nicely.

Worse, he’s still under house arrest. And you wouldn’t want to spend your Christmas trapped in a luxurious snow-covered alpine chalet surrounded by your wife and two children, do you? That’s basically the dictionary definition of the word torture.

This whole Roman Polanski thing has edged towards something approximating a conclusion. And by ‘conclusion’ we mean ‘Roman Polanski’s death from old age’ because the whole affair seems to be brimming with people determined to stall it. But here are the big updates for any fans of Roman Polanski or alleged unlawful sex with minors out there:

1 – Roman Polanski has lost his appeal to have the case against him dismissed. This is a particular surprise, because US appeal courts usually give in after the 150th time an usually short film director gets his lawyers to whine at them.

2 - The court doesn’t seem to want Roman Polanski to go to jail anyway. In its ruling it suggested that if, Polanski agreed to be sentenced in absentia, he could argue his case of official misconduct and possibly get off that way. Or, even if that plan went up, the judge could rule that he’d already served his jail time in 1978 before he legged it to France.

It’s hard to know what to make of the last point. Although it sounds like the court just wants to bring the Roman Polanski case to a conclusion, it might all just be a way to draw him into a trial where he can be hit with the full force of a jail sentence. Or, by pointing out that he might have already served his jail sentence, it could be mocking him for spending 30 years in manky old France eating slabs of undercooked horse when he could have spent the whole time in his massive LA mansion making films that people actually watch instead.

But still, while this continues to play out – or until he’s extradited back to America next year – Roman Polanski will have to remain under house arrest. And that must be awful. Sure he lives in a breathtaking alpine mansion with his family under better conditions that many of us could ever dream of experiencing, but remember – it’s a breathtaking alpine mansion in Switzerland. What’s he going to do if his neighbours Shania Twain or Tina Turner unexpectedly come to visit? He can’t jump out of the back window like a normal person would – he’d set off his electronic tag.

Truly, Roman Polanski is living the worst kind of nightmare.

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This Roman Polanski thing is tricky, isn’t it? On one hand he’s been convicted for having unlawful sex with a child.

Then again, Rosemary’s Baby was quite good. Oh, it’s such a dilemma! But at least the Swiss authorities know what to do with Roman Polanski – they’ve granted him bail, so that he can await his extradition back to America under house arrest in the untempered luxury of his Swiss chalet. And it seems like a good idea, too, because it’s not like Roman Polanski has a habit of fleeing the country while he awaits sentencing or anything, is it?

Hey, wait a minute.

You might say that Roman Polanski has already served his sentence for having unlawful sex with a 13-year-old girl – after all, he’s been forced to spend the last 30 years living in mainland Europe, and if three decades of female armpit hair, suspect-looking sausages and alarming red-faced fat men in lederhosen constantly trying to slap your buttock isn’t a fittingly harrowing punishment, we don’t know what is – but tell that to America.

The American authorities have spent 30 years trying to pin Roman Polanski down while he constantly goaded them by appearing at the end of Rush Hour 3 and making versions of Oliver! where nobody even sings any songs about food, but now they’ve got him. Roman Polanski was arrested at a Swiss airport in September, and he’s been in jail awaiting extradition ever since.

Until now, that is, because a Swiss court has just granted Roman Polanksi bail, meaning that he can wait for his extradition under house arrest in his Swiss chalet. The Los Angeles Times reports:

A Swiss Justice Ministry spokesman said that the court approved a $4.5-million bail for the famed director, who faces extradition to Los Angeles to be sentenced for unlawful intercourse with a 13-year-old girl more than three decades ago. Under the bail plan, Polanski would be under electronic monitoring at his Swiss chalet until the justice system decides whether he should be sent to Los Angeles.

We can’t but feel that this is a mistake. Not only does Roman Polanski have a proven history of running away whenever it looks like he’s about to go to jail, but letting him loose in Switzerland seems like a particularly bad idea. What if he goes mad and gets his hands on one of the country’s most dangerous products, like a cuckoo clock or some fancy chocolate or a well-made watch or something? We’d all be done for, that’s what.

Not that we can see what all the fuss is about. At worst, Roman Polanski would only have to face two years in jail. And he’s already had to put up with 30 years of silly little cars and supermarkets that don’t smell quite right, so it’ll be a walk in the park in comparison.

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Here’s a lesson that Roman Polanski would do well to remember – never trust the ruddy Swiss.

Because the Swiss have done Roman Polanski in. Sure, they might look like the world’s friendliest people, what with their chocolate and precision-engineered watches and big fat red happy faces, but secretly none of them can wait to extradite you to America to face charges for fleeing sentencing for the statutory rape of a 13-year-old girl that you were arrested for three decades ago.

Still, this might be for the best. At least now Roman Polanski can’t make any more godawful Rush Hour cameos.

For as long as anybody can remember, Roman Polanski has been playing a perilous cat and mouse game with the Los Angeles district attorney’s office. In 1977, Polanski hoofed it out of America for a life in France before a court could sentence him for the statutory rape of a 13-year-old girl. And that’s where he’s lived in exile ever since, only briefly surfacing to film stupid remakes of Oliver Twist where nobody even sings any happy songs about custard.

True, a few months ago it looked as if Roman Polanski might have wriggled off the hook when he briefly decided to ask the Los Angeles district attorney’s office for a dismissal of his charges so that he could return to America, but then he realised that he’d probably get arrested as soon as he stepped off the plane anyway so he bottled it.

And that was that – Roman Polanski resigned himself to spending the rest of his life in France, safe in the knowledge that the country’s unique combination of knotted female armpit hair and exaggerated nonchalance would keep the American authorities at bay.

But then it happened. Roman Polanski’s innate desire for either a) cuckoo clocks, b) jaunty feathered hats or c) Nazi gold got the better of him and he flew to Zurich where, surprise surprise, he was arrested by Swiss police at the request of the Los Angeles district attorney’s office. And while we all wait for him to be extradited, at least we’ve got the ensuing gigantic diplomatic poop-storm to keep us entertained. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

[French] Culture Minister Frederic Mitterrand issued a statement saying he “profoundly regrets that a new ordeal is being inflicted on someone who has already known so many during his life.” Polanski also received public support from the foreign minister of Poland, where he moved as a toddler and avoided capture by the Nazis, who put his mother to death in a concentration camp.

So now we all just have to see who wins this weird tug-of-war over Roman Polanski. Honestly, this ordeal is just like the plot of one of his movies. Or at least it would be, if only it was much longer and not quite as good as everyone else says it is. And, you know, Roman Polanski pooed out the devil at the end of it. Or whatever.

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It looks like Roman Polanski had better get used to hairy armpits, dogpoo and comical nonchalance, because he’ll be staying in France for a while.

Why? Because Roman Polanski has lost his bid to get his 1978 child sex charges dropped, so the fugitive status currently keeping him from returning to America remains firmly in force.

So Roman Polanski has two choices – he can either continue living in Europe where he’s respected as one of the world’s greatest-ever directors, or he can surrender to American authorities and face jail. It’ll probably be the latter. Seriously, have you ever been to Europe?

The funny thing about admitting to police that you had sex with an illegally young girl is that it tends to come back and bite you on the arse. Just look at poor old Roman Polanski – it’s been three decades since he allegedly anally raped a 13-year-old girl and then definitely pleaded guilty to unlawful sex with a minor and, just because he freaked out before sentencing and ran away to France, he’s apparently a fugitive now.

However, it looked quite a lot like Roman Polanski was going to get his charges dismissed, after a documentary was released claiming all kinds of unethical conduct on the part of the court during his original trial. The trouble there was that the court was only going to consider dropping Polanski’s charges if he went to America in person, and Polanski was worried that it was all just a big trap to arrest him at the airport.

And – long story short – because of that protracted stand-off, Roman Polanski definitely can’t have his charges dropped ever. But, hey, at least he’s welcome to surrender to the American justice system and be given an almost-guaranteed stint in prison whenever he likes, so that’s something. The LA Times reports:

Judge Peter Espinoza told a packed courtroom that he found the core argument in Polanski’s request for a dismissal of charges to be credible. “There was substantial… misconduct that occurred during the pendency of this case,” Espinoza said. But, Polanski’s fugitive status left him no choice but to deny the request. Espinoza suspended his ruling for 30 days to allow Polanski to discuss surrendering.

Stupid fugitive status. If only Roman Polanski had been smart enough not to leave America before sentencing, and had merely sat through the entire duration of his inevitable lengthy jail sentence before being released into the public as a largely unemployed convicted paedophile, then there’s a chance that his charges might have possibly been dropped 30 years afterwards. Hindsight can be such a bitch, can’t it?

But although this news must be a profound disappointment to Roman Polanski, there’s no point getting down about it. After all, if he’s staying in Europe then at least he’ll know that the furious mob of people that follows him everywhere takes a couple of hours off in the afternoon for a nap. He wouldn’t get that in America.

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The problem is, once you’ve said you’ve had sex with a child, people just don’t think of you as trustworthy.

Just look at Roman Polanski. It’s been three decades since he admitted having sex with a 13-year-old girl and fled America, and now America is still keeping him at arm’s length.

An LA court has decided that Roman Polanski can only try to get his statutory rape charge dismissed if he appears there in person, which is obviously a trap. Really, we don’t know why Roman Polanski won’t stay in France – that sort of behaviour is mandatory there, alegedly. OK, we’re joking.

We might be the only ones who think this, but the Roman Polanski saga is kind of fascinating, don’t you think? It’s like a sort of Mexican stand-off, only with creepy midgets with funny accents instead of Mexicans and upsetting alleged paedophilia instead of guns.

On one hand, there’s Roman Polanski – the exiled movie director, who’s been living in France after fleeing America to escape a statutory rape sentence 30 years ago and now wants his charges dropped.

Then, on the other hand, there’s the American justice system, which probably isn’t ever going to drop Roman Polanksi’s charges, but wants him to come to America to ask anyway – probably because it wants to arrest him the second he steps off the plane.

And then there’s Samantha Geimer, the 13-year-old girl in question, who just wants everyone to shut up because it makes her think about Roman Polanski’s penis. It’s a muddle and no mistake.

But it looks like the courts might be winning this one – an appellate court panel has determined that if Roman Polanski really wants to get his charges dropped, he absolutely has no choice but to make his case to the court in person. The LA Times reports:

A three-judge panel in the 2nd District of the Court of Appeals rejected an attempt by lawyers for Polanski to have all 600 judges in the L.A. County Superior Court disqualified from hearing the dismissal request. The Academy Award-winner’s attorneys had argued that statements by a court spokesman showed bias against Polanski. The appellate judges offered no explanation in the one-page order.

And we’re back to square one again. Roman Polanski wants his to plead his innocence and get his charges dropped, but he won’t to go America in case he ends up getting arrested in an airport. Nobody can be happy with this – Polanski still has his charges and America can’t arrest him.

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You’d want it hushed up if Roman Polanski ever had sex with you, wouldn’t you? Because, really, Roman Polanski? Urgh.

Obviously it’d be far worse if Roman Polanski had sex with you when you were 13, then admitted to it, and then ran off to France for 30 years so he couldn’t be sentenced.

Which is why the girl at the centre of the rape case, Samantha Geimer, has announced that she wants Roman Polanski’s charges dropped. Then maybe people will concentrate on the more attractive people she’s slept with, like a plastic heron or that mouse with the gigantic ear grafted onto its back.

There’s a growing chance that Roman Polanski will be returning to America in the next couple of weeks. He hasn’t been there for 30 years – since he admitted to having sex with a 13-year-old girl and legged it to France before anyone could sentence him – and we’re sure he’ll be surprised at how it’s changed.

The cars look different, for a start, and the TVs are bigger. And he’s bound to notice the crowds of furious people who scream “RAPIST GO HOME!” all the time and constantly push mounds of dogmuck through the letterbox of wherever he’s staying, too. Yes, America sure has changed.

But that’s assuming that Roman Polanski will be returning to America. It all depends on the outcome of his quest to have his charges dropped. Based on a documentary that uncovered several alleged wrongdoings on the part of the deputy district attorney at the time, Roman Polanski seems certain that his charges should all be dismissed, allowing him to return to America. Besides, it’s not as if Roman Polanski is going to have sex with any more children, is it? He’s 75 years old now, so chances are he can only get an erection these days with the aid of a bowl of pharmaceuticals and an intricate system of pulleys and winches.

However, Roman Polanski’s plans might be stumped by the LA superior court’s demand that he come to America first to ask for his charges to be dropped – an obvious ploy to get him out into the open so he can be arrested.

But one person who’s had enough of all this legal nonsense is Samantha Geimer, the woman who Roman Polanski is alleged to have had sex with. She’s decided to ask for the charges against Polanski to be dropped so she can get on with her life. BBC News reports:

Samantha Geimer said the continued publication of details “causes harm to me, my husband and children”. Ms Geimer, 45, said in her written declaration to the court: “If Polanski cannot stand before the court to make this request, I, as the victim, can and I, as the victim do… I have urged that this matter come to a formal legal end. I have urged that the district attorney and the court dismiss these charges,” she added.

You know that you’re onto a good thing, don’t you, when even the girl you were accused of raping 30 years ago wants your charges dropped. It’s unknown whether or not Samantha Geimer’s request will be heeded by the courts, but we’re sure that Roman Polanski will be grateful for her efforts nonetheless.

Maybe with her help, Roman Polanski can shake off his tag of ‘alleged child-rapist’ and live freely with his new tag of ‘man who merely admitted having sex with a child although that’s been neither proven nor disproven.’ It almost brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?

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Everyone can relate to Roman Polanski – really, who hasn’t admitted to a sexual encounter with an underage girl then spent 30 years on the lam in France?

And it’s this completely universal nature of Roman Polanski’s story that’s won him so many  supporters. The trouble is, none of them work at the LA Superior Court.

The court says that it’ll consider dropping dropping Roman Polanski’s charges, but only if he appears there in person first. And Polanski thinks it’s all just a big set-up to arrest him. Wow, who knew that alleged child-rape could be so exciting?

It’s been three decades since acclaimed film director – and owner of the world’s rubbishest life – Roman Polanski hot-footed it to France to avoid being sentenced for a sexual encounter with a 13-year-old girl that he’d previously admitted to.

And surely that’s punishment enough. Spend 30 years in jail and what’s the worst that you’ll have to suffer? An occasional bumming? The constant threat of stabbing? Compare that to what Roman Polanski’s been through in France – 30 years of exposure to creperies, accordion music and an almost galactic level of feminine armpit hair. Doesn’t the man deserve any human rights?

And that’s why Roman Polanski has decided that he wants the charges against him dropped. There’s apparently enough evidence to suggest unlawful conduct on the part of the deputy district attorney at the time, plus the woman who Roman Polanski allegedly had sex with thinks the charges should be dropped. Plus she’s in her forties and he’s 75 now, so it doesn’t seem that creepy any more. Well it does, but in a different and more legal way.

However, there’s one stumbling block between Roman Polanski living in exile in France and Roman Polanski living the life of a free man in America who has to stay indoors all the time because of the angry mob pelting eggs at his windows and screaming “BURN THE RAPIST WITH THE FUNNY VOICE!” at him – and that’s the LA Superior Court.

The court reasons that if it’s going to drop Roman Polanski’s charges, Polanski should at least appear there in person beforehand to explain why. And the trouble is that Roman Polanski thinks it’s all a cunning ruse and he’ll be arrested as soon as he lands in America to make his argument. Which is why Polanski’s lawyer Chad Hummel wants a judge from somewhere other than LA to hear the case, as AP reports:

In a motion filed Monday, attorney Chad Hummel sought removal of Polanski’s case to the California Judicial Council for resolution. He claims that statements by a court spokesman since the original motion was filed showed that the courts have prejudged at least one issue – whether Polanski must appear in court on Jan. 21 for his request to be considered. Such an appearance might make him subject to arrest.

If Roman Polanski’s demands are not met, he’s going to face a tricky decision – does he take the court at its word and go to LA despite the possibility of his arrest, or does he remain an exile in France?

It’s not a choice we’d take lightly, but we’re pretty sure that Roman Polanski will ultimately return to America, because it’s only there that he stands a chance of making the movie that everyone will remember him for – Big Momma’s House 3: Momma’s Inna Kitchen.

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Roman Polanski is a modern-day superhero – he can direct films quite well and also he’s great at having sex with children.

Or, possibly, not having sex with children. Although he’s been on the lam since fleeing America in 1978 after pleading guilty to having sex with a 13-year-old girl, Roman Polanski has now decided to ask a Los Angeles court to dismiss his charges.

Let’s hope Roman Polanski gets his dismissal, because then he’ll stop being an exiled genius and become what he’s always dreamed of – a director in America who can’t get work because everyone thinks he’s so flipping creepy.

Depending on how many turtleneck sweaters you own, you either think that Roman Polanski is famous because he’s directed iconic movies like Chinatown, The Pianist and Rosemary’s Baby or because he allegedly had it off with a kid in the 1970s and then legged it out of America before anyone could do anything about it.

But if you believe the latter, then Roman Polanski has news for you – he didn’t have sex with 13-year-old girl who he pleaded guilty to having sex with in 1975. Or he did, but he’s worked out that the girl is well into her 40s now so it isn’t that illegal any more. Or something. Anyway, Roman Polanski wants his charges dismissed, as Reuters reports:

The film director’s lawyers said they had new evidence, sparked by a documentary film earlier this year, that revealed “judicial and prosecutorial misconduct … so distorted the legal process that the interests of justice can only be served with complete dismissal of the case.”

Perhaps some background information would be helpful here. In 1977 Roman Polanski was asked to guest-edit French Vogue which, it’s alleged, he decided to do by first taking photos of 13-year-old Samantha Geimer drinking champagne, and then allegedly raping her on drugs. In the ensuing court case, Roman Polanski agreed a plea deal whereby the rape would be downgraded to unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor. And then he buggered off to France before sentencing, and has been a kind of fugitive in Europe ever since.

But now, based on findings from the documentary Roman Polanski: Wanted And Desired, Roman Polanski thinks that it’s time the charges were dropped so that he can return to America and be embraced by the artistic community once again. After all, an acquittal in a case involving sex and children doesn’t hurt your reputation at all. Just look at Michael Jackson. He’s um… ooh, bad example.

But still, regardless of whether or not he committed the crime that he pleaded guilty to three decades ago, there’s no doubt that Roman Polanski has served an unbelievably harsh punishment in the interim. The man had a cameo in Rush Hour 3, for crying out loud. Murderers get less than that.

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