Roman Polanski - HecklerSpray

Roman Polanski’s Tedious Case Still Not Dismissed

December 22nd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This Christmas, spare a thought for poor old Roman Polanski. Things haven’t been going his way at all lately.

He’s going to have a rubbish Christmas. And considering that he’s spent at least the last 30 Christmases on the lam in Europe after being convicted of having sex with a 13-year-old girl, that means it’s going to be incredibly rubbish. You see, an American court has just decided not to dismiss Roman Polanski’s unlawful sex case, despite him asking really nicely.

Worse, he’s still under house arrest. And you wouldn’t want to spend your Christmas trapped in a luxurious snow-covered alpine chalet surrounded by your wife and two children, do you? That’s basically the dictionary definition of the word torture.

Roman Polanski Swanks Off Back To His Alpine Retreat

November 26th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This Roman Polanski thing is tricky, isn’t it? On one hand he’s been convicted for having unlawful sex with a child.

Then again, Rosemary’s Baby was quite good. Oh, it’s such a dilemma! But at least the Swiss authorities know what to do with Roman Polanski – they’ve granted him bail, so that he can await his extradition back to America under house arrest in the untempered luxury of his Swiss chalet. And it seems like a good idea, too, because it’s not like Roman Polanski has a habit of fleeing the country while he awaits sentencing or anything, is it?

Hey, wait a minute.

That’s Roman Polanski Buggered, Then

September 28th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Here’s a lesson that Roman Polanski would do well to remember – never trust the ruddy Swiss.

Because the Swiss have done Roman Polanski in. Sure, they might look like the world’s friendliest people, what with their chocolate and precision-engineered watches and big fat red happy faces, but secretly none of them can wait to extradite you to America to face charges for fleeing sentencing for the statutory rape of a 13-year-old girl that you were arrested for three decades ago.

Still, this might be for the best. At least now Roman Polanski can’t make any more godawful Rush Hour cameos.

Court: Roman Polanski Can Stick His Dismissal Up His Bum

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It looks like Roman Polanski had better get used to hairy armpits, dogpoo and comical nonchalance, because he’ll be staying in France for a while.

Why? Because Roman Polanski has lost his bid to get his 1978 child sex charges dropped, so the fugitive status currently keeping him from returning to America remains firmly in force.

So Roman Polanski has two choices – he can either continue living in Europe where he’s respected as one of the world’s greatest-ever directors, or he can surrender to American authorities and face jail. It’ll probably be the latter. Seriously, have you ever been to Europe?

Court Tells Roman Polanski To Suck It, Regrettably In Retrospect

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The problem is, once you’ve said you’ve had sex with a child, people just don’t think of you as trustworthy.

Just look at Roman Polanski. It’s been three decades since he admitted having sex with a 13-year-old girl and fled America, and now America is still keeping him at arm’s length.

An LA court has decided that Roman Polanski can only try to get his statutory rape charge dismissed if he appears there in person, which is obviously a trap. Really, we don’t know why Roman Polanski won’t stay in France – that sort of behaviour is mandatory there, alegedly. OK, we’re joking.

Roman Polanski’s Victim Wants Everyone To Shut Up

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You’d want it hushed up if Roman Polanski ever had sex with you, wouldn’t you? Because, really, Roman Polanski? Urgh.

Obviously it’d be far worse if Roman Polanski had sex with you when you were 13, then admitted to it, and then ran off to France for 30 years so he couldn’t be sentenced.

Which is why the girl at the centre of the rape case, Samantha Geimer, has announced that she wants Roman Polanski’s charges dropped. Then maybe people will concentrate on the more attractive people she’s slept with, like a plastic heron or that mouse with the gigantic ear grafted onto its back.

Roman Polanksi Has The Right Hump With LA

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Everyone can relate to Roman Polanski – really, who hasn't admitted to a sexual encounter with an underage girl then spent 30 years on the lam in France?

And it's this completely universal nature of Roman Polanski?s story that's won him so many? supporters. The trouble is, none of them work at the LA Superior Court.

The court says that it'll consider dropping dropping Roman Polanski?s charges, but only if he appears there in person first. And Polanski thinks it's all just a big set-up to arrest him. Wow, who knew that alleged child-rape could be so exciting?

Roman Polanski Says He Didn’t Boff That Child 30 Years Ago

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Roman Polanski is a modern-day superhero – he can direct films quite well and also he’s great at having sex with children.

Or, possibly, not having sex with children. Although he’s been on the lam since fleeing America in 1978 after pleading guilty to having sex with a 13-year-old girl, Roman Polanski has now decided to ask a Los Angeles court to dismiss his charges.

Let’s hope Roman Polanski gets his dismissal, because then he’ll stop being an exiled genius and become what he’s always dreamed of – a director in America who can’t get work because everyone thinks he’s so flipping creepy.