OK, that’s it. Adam Lambert has had enough of the speculation. He’s going to put an end to this right now.

For weeks, Adam Lambert has been forced to endure all kinds of unwanted media speculation over his sexuality. And now he’s reached the end of his tether. Nobody should suffer the torment he’s been put through. And that’s why, on the cover of Rolling Stone, Adam Lambert has stated once and for all that he definitely isn’t gay.

Wait, what? Adam Lambert said he is gay? Really? But that doesn’t make any sense! His nail varnish is so masculine!

Just a hunch here, but we have a feeling that the next issue of Rolling Stone is going to feature a bear on the cover, along with the headline ‘Hey, I Just Did This Excellent Crap! Over There, In The Woods! Look, It’s Next To My Friend The Pope! He’s A Catholic! Did You Know That?’

Why? Because Rolling Stone has just officially outed Adam Lambert as a gay man. Let’s get straight to the quote, shall we? Adam Lambert told Rolling Stone:

“I don’t think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I’m gay. Right after the finale, I almost started talking about it to the reporters, but I thought, ‘I’m going to wait for Rolling Stone, that will be cooler. I didn’t want the Clay Aiken thing and the celebrity-magazine bullshit. I need to be able to explain myself in context. I’m proud of my sexuality. It’s just another part of me.”

Now, yes, look, congratulations to Adam Lambert for having the guts to stand up and out himself on his own terms like that, but we can’t help feeling that he’s making a terrible mistake here.

What set Adam Lambert apart from his American Idol counterparts was his aura of mystery. Was he gay? Was he straight? Sure, he might have already been outed once and he’s openly got a boyfriend and any fool with the internet can easily access pictures of him kissing boys with tongues and everything he’s ever done, said or thought in public has been unquestionably informed by the fact that he’s a gay man – but who could really say for sure, huh?

We suppose what annoys us most about Adam Lambert’s admission that he’s gay is that it’s in direct violation of rock star tradition. Everybody knows that before a singer can admit to being gay he first needs to first 1) embark upon an awkward, loveless marriage with a female employee, 2) record a zany duet with Kiki Dee and then 3) hint at his homosexuality by claiming that, rather than seeing people as gay or straight, he prefers to think of human sexuality as a sliding scale of endless permutations.

What we’re trying to say is that Adam Lambert has gypped us out of his zany duet with Kiki Dee. And we’re not sure that we’ll be able to forgive him for that.

It now remains to be seen whether or not Adam Lambert’s gay admission will affect his level of fame. To be honest, we can’t see it happening – it doesn’t matter what he does, to us Adam Lambert will always be that bloke who couldn’t even win American Idol. And long may he reign.

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And that calls for a change of tack. Rather than bleating on about how relentlessly misery-filled her life is all the time, Britney Spears chose her second-biggest promotional tool – an interview with Rolling Stone – to discuss the positive things in her life. Like her infant children, for example, and how they, um, can’t stop blurting out inappropriate swearwords all the time.

Needless to say, Britney Spears blames all this sudden effing and jeffing on the fact that the kids have been primarily raised by Kevin Federline. But Britney needs to look on the bright side here – at least they’re using words to communicate. That’s far more sophisticated than the system of hoots, grunts, roars and crude caveman gestures that Kevin Federline uses himself.

Britney Spears is all set to release her big shiny comeback album Circus next week, and everything’s in place. The artwork is suitably creepy, the lead single is helpfully monotonous and the entire album has been leaked onto the internet so that people can decide that they don’t like it without having to buy it first.

That just leaves one problem – the promotion of Circus. That’s just bewildering. The big push, of course, was supposed to be the Britney: For The Record documentary, but since that looks about as depressing as watching Requiem For A Dream in an abattoir at 4am with a habitual glue-sniffer, Britney Spears has chosen to do something more conventional as well – an interview with Rolling Stone.

Nothing could go wrong with that – the questions were all pre-vetted and Britney Spears would never be left alone with the reporter – unless Britney used the interview to yammer on about what filthy mouths her two- and three-year-old children have already developed. Which, oh, she did:

“They don’t look like their father at all. And it’s weird ’cause they’re starting to learn words like ’stupid,’ and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn’t get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.”

Yes, that stands to reason. Kevin Federline isn’t exactly the model of respectability, is he? To be honest Sean Preston and Jayden James probably did learn some swearwords from him. But if Britney Spears had been in charge of looking after them, that wouldn’t be the case at all. Admittedly they would have probably learnt how to babble gibberish in a pretend British accent quite well. And how to have all sorts of gut-churning sex with obnoxious and clearly inappropriate photographers all the time. And their constant anguished screams would have been second to none. But at least they wouldn’t swear.

But so what? They’re just words. It’s not ideal that Britney’s kids know how to swear but, if anything, it’s something they could have done with learning even earlier in life. That way they’d have been able to convey complex thoughts like “Mummy, don’t run any more fucking red lights when we’re in the car with you,” or “Mummy, please don’t lock me in the fucking bathroom with you and scream about death until the police are called again, you silly old cuntwhistle.”

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But the particular time she seems to want to return to is the one where a drummer from a bit of a crap, over-hyped band who likes to get his junk out on stage gets to stick it to her on a regular basis.

Yes, kids, Pamela Anderson is back with Tommy Lee.

Unfortunately not Tommy Lee Jones. Mind – that would be both hilarious and perfect for Pammie’s reality TV show. Especially if Jones was in full ‘Two Face from Batman Forever’ makeup. Seriously – we at hecklerspray should be television executives, we’d make things worth watching again.

But that’s beside the point here.

The point is that Pamela Anderson is in a relationship with a man she’s known for more than 30 minutes – a revelation in itself – and if you add up all the time that she and Tommy Lee have been together it actually comes to more than a week or so. Surely a record for the ex-Baywatch star?

The groundbreaking, world-moving and earth-shattering news came about in an interview with RollingStone.com, when Tommy told the interviewer:

“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me. It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together.”

Well, who wouldn’t be happy with the news that an ageing rocker from a substandard hair metal band and the woman that adorned the walls of every red-blooded male throughout the 90s – purely because she looked good running in super slow-mo – have shacked up (again)?

We certainly are. Because it means we are unlikely to have to report on the trials and tribulations of that no-talent berk Rick Salomon or his equally-pointless, though somehow marginally more annoying (probably because he’s an irritating, weasel-faced little prick) counterpart Kid Rock.

Yes, the world of a semi-stable relationship – that is, semi-stable in the world of Pamela Anderson, of course – is the perfect one for both hecklerspray and Pammie for a couple of fantastic reasons:

1) It means she may actually manage to stay with one man for more than 13 seconds, thus giving her kids the slimmest of chances that they won’t grow up to be utter, complete and total fuck-ups.

2) We won’t have to report on those utter, utter wastes of skin mentioned above any more.

Though we are likely to have to talk about Tommy Lee. Shit.