role - HecklerSpray

Britney Spears Not The Virgin Mary

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As her stints on How I Met Your Mother proved, Britney Spears’ love of acting is almost as huge as everyone else’s ambivalence to it.

And now that she’s a successful singer once again, it’s only natural that Britney Spears will start looking for more ways to showcase her unique acting abilities, too. But that movie won’t be Sweet Baby Jesus, the film where Britney Spears was rumoured to be playing the Virgin Mary.

But now it’s been revealed that Britney Spears will no longer be the Virgin Mary. And we won’t lie to you – we’re relieved. Because if Britney Spears is the Virgin Mary, then it’d sort of mean that Kevin Federline was God. And that would mean that heaven is a shabby trailer with the video to Popozao playing on an unstoppable loop on a giant plasma screen that you can’t ever look away from. And all the angels have cornrows and smell a bit.

Lindsay Lohan To Star In Ugly Betty Season Finale

March 25th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty?

Does anybody out there love Lindsay Lohan?

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty and Lindsay Lohan?

Well, if the answer to all three is yes, then brace your bladders for this piece of news: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly going to star in…Ugly Betty!

However, if any of you out there don’t love Ugly Betty or Lindsay Lohan then, seriously, stop reading now, because the boredom you may experience from the rest of this post could be crippling.

Hilary Duff To Be In New 90210 Series?

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Everyone loves Hilary Duff – they love that TV show she was in, whatever it was called, and all those songs of hers that nobody can remember.

Yup, that Hilary Duff’s a hot piece of property at the moment, or at least she would be if we could work out what the point of her was. You know what Hilary Duff would be great in? A creatively-bankrupt revisiting of a TV series that everyone stopped liking about 18 months into its 10-year run almost 20 years ago.

What’s that? There’s a part going spare in the new Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off? Well that’s certainly very fortunate for both Hilary Duff and Beverly Hills 90210. Not so much for us, though – we think Beverly Hills 90210 is going to be shit and that Hilary Duff’s a wanker.

Katie Price Set To Ruin A Hollywood Remake

March 25th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

Katie Price, who’s that? The short answer is the fake-tanned slapper who’s famous for getting her tits out.

However, there is another solution to the question. You see, Katie Price has two names. We’d like to point out that she’s not schizophrenic and doesn’t pick between Jordan and Kate Price depending on if its warm enough to strap on a bikini.

In the early days (aka – the nineties) when she had the body for it, Jordon would get her boobies out for men’s magazines across the land. But they weren’t just any set of knockers. They were mega melons! As big as your head and the weight of seven small puppies.

Then Jordan grew up. Married a dire popstar and wanted people to call her by her real name to be taken more seriously. This approach has landed her a film role. And no, it’s not porn related!

Ricky Gervais Lands Role In Grand Theft Auto IV

March 25th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

Slightly obese humourist Ricky Gervais has landed a role in the new GTA game, due for release on April 29.

The man responsible for some of the decade’s greatest television has teamed up with the creators of the decade’s greatest computer game, in what has been described by one man as ‘a slightly interesting event – I’ll probably have a look‘.

Ricky will appear as himself, performing three minutes of new material, as well as some jokes from his recent Fame tour, in the Liberty City Comedy Club.

Make no mistake about it, that’s a tough crowd – one poorly-timed dance routine and Ricky could soon find himself on the receiving end of the old ‘rocket up the arse’ heckle.

Nicole Richie Stars In Chicago? A Planet Weeps

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

One oft-neglected side-effect of giving birth is the overwhelming desire to star in overtly showy prohibition-era Broadway musicals.

Just look at Nicole Richie, for example. For some logic-defying reason, she's currently weighing up an offer to star as Roxie Hart in the Broadway version of Chicago.

It'd be awfully presumptuous of us to try and second-guess what issues Nicole Richie is weighing up exactly, but we're willing to bet that they include rehearsal schedules, being able to spend time with her new baby and the fact that if she was any less talented at anything other than forgetting to eat she'd be legally reclassified as vegetation.

No New Star Trek Role For Pissy William Shatner

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

William Shatner brings a sparkle of class to whatever he touches, whether it's TV work, movies or inexplicable covers of Elton John songs sung between three different William Shatners – but the new Star Trek movie won't see any of that.

And that's because William Shatner won't be in the new Star Trek movie. Although he was rumoured to have a cameo in the movie alongside Leonard Nimoy, William Shatner has revealed that meetings with the new Star Trek director JJ Abrams were unsuccessful and the movie will go ahead sans Shatner. And now William Shatner can't stop bitching about the Star Trek snub. But can you blame him? After all, we'd be bitter if our derided egomaniacal role in a TV show that hasn't been made for almost 40 years wasn't reprised in a movie that's set several years before the TV show we starred in 40 years ago, too. Or something. Oh look, we've confused ourselves now.