With the news that Adele (her again!) is like, totes, going to write and release the theme for the new Bond film, us handsome devils at hecklerspray are going to take a look at the Top Ten Bond themes.

So get comfy, pour yourself a drink and get ready to agree with every single one of our choices.

Right?

DAA DAA!

(BOOM!)

DAA DAA!

(BOOM!)

DA DA D’DAA DAAAA!

*ahem*

Here’s our Top Ten Bond Themes.

The Man With The Golden Gun

Before getting her fanny out on Strictly 2011, Lulu thought it would be fun to have a pop career that sort of spanned four decades (mainly because there was a gap between 1969 and 1993 that she filled with awful, awful songs) which piqued when she was chosen to sing the theme to ‘The Man With The Golden Gun’ in 1974. Nothing happened for 19 years, and then she released ‘Relight My Fire’ with Take That. It’s a shame when good things happen to bad people.

The Living Daylights

If you sing ‘WOOOAAAHH THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS!’ at the top of your lungs you get the best feeling. Better than probably any drugs that Michael Jackson took.

The World Is Not Enough

Up until the mid-90s, most of the Bond themes had been sung by individual artists who had a modicum of talent (Sheryl Crow, you can probably go and get a glass of milk or something, we’re not talking about you), so when Garbage, the famous 90s alternative band, were announced people were excited.

Unfortunately, the song wasn’t very good, despite the video being about Shirley Manson being a suicide android fitted with a bomb. But the song being bad doesn’t necessarily mean that the overall finished product was awful. With a change in Bond, came a change in musical attitude with it. An edgier “rockier” vibe fought off the camp twinge that the themes seemed to have fostered. Obviously the film was still the campest thing since Johnny Robinson ate a unicorn and farted glitter, but for the first time, it became exciting to see what a Bond theme was going to be.

Diamonds Are Forever

Although Diamonds Are Forever is Bassey’s second Bond theme (and the first one our list) her vaulting vocals and a sinister undertone gave this Bond theme an opulent edge that would keep this theme as one of the most famous ones. Even Kanye West wanted a piece on his Diamonds From Sierra Leone, and we all know that Kanye West doesn’t make ANY bad decisions ever.

Goldeneye

In the 90s, the World was forgetting James Bond because he wasn’t involved in a combat pant wearing girlband or had curtains, so Albert Broccoli needed everyone to realise what an absurd name he had and decided to release a film so terrible that a character Xenia Onatopp wasn’t the worst thing about it. That film was Goldeneye, obviously. Can you see Xenia Onatopp being in the Lion King? But regardless of how ball-clenchingly awful Goldeneye is, the title song is all sorts of fantastic.

Sung by Tina ‘Whats Love Scot To Do, Scot To Do With It’ Turner, but written by Bono and The Edge from that U2, it went on to become one of Turner’s biggest hits. Unfortunately someone decided that getting Nicole Sherzinger to record a version of it for the 2010 re-release of Goldeneye for the Wii was a good idea. There’s literally nothing that that woman won’t ruin. First Goldeneye, then Cheryl Cole’s career.

Goldfinger

‘Goldfinger’ is generally seen as one of the quintessentially Bond-esque themes from the series, with Shirley Bassey’s soaring vocals reminding people that there really is a career for men to dress up as women and sing show tunes. Didn’t do Paloma Faith any harm. This is the song that people sing with an accent more than any other (disregarding Shaggy OBV).

A View To A Kill

Simon Le Bon. The Eiffel Tower. Grace Jones. Hot.

For Your Eyes Only

Sheena Easton was pretty big news in the 80s. Her broad Glaswegian accent kept people confused while she flooded the charts with songs about morning trains (not a euphemism for a morning erection) before releasing a song so filthy that it would make Christina Aguilera blush before thumbing herself off in the car park of a Best Buy somewhere. Obviously after singing about your vagina the only way to go next is singing with pint-sized pop penis Prince.

A vagine warbling ballad isn’t what the Bond people were after, so they got her to sing a song that was, although immense, has no oblique reference to vaginas or anything vaginal. Although if you listened to it thinking of vagines, it does take on a more twisted, and sexier edge.

“You can see so much in me, so much in me that’s new. I never felt til I looked at you.” the filthy bitch sings.

We Have All The Time In The World

Although this Louis Armstrong song may be more iconic from other places, it’s the setting that makes it memorable. Taken from ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’, played over the closing scenes after Bond’s wife’s murder at the hands of pussy lover Blofeld, it resonates the tragedy that although Bond may be one of the most powerful characters in fiction, he will always have danger surrounding his family. That and regular STD checks.

You Only Live Twice

The most iconic, and covered Bond themes (but we can’t hold Robbie Williams against it, Cee Lo Green we can), You Only Live Twice is the Bond theme that most people will hum if they were asked. Swirling violins and romantic horns remind everyone of lying almost comatose on a hungover filled Bank Holiday and wanting the pain in your head to stop.

The angelic vocals from Nancy Sinatra compliment the song to such an massive degree that we can’t say anything bad about. We’ll just leave you to listen to it and compose ourselves in the corner.

Are we crying? Of course not.

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Remember when the James Bond films were required viewing every Bank Holiday, he drove awesome cars and had a digital watch that could shoot lasers? And you were 10 years old and everything was completely brilliant?

Then you remember Roger Moore.

Well he’s back, and targeting …. erm. Pate and stuff.

Pierce Brosnan is, we imagine, furious that his news thunder may have been stolen by Moore, what with him soon reappearing on the telly in what sounds like a rubbish version of the Rockford Files.

Which is NOTHING compared to taking-on a SHOP. And WINNING.

Like Roger Moore has.

That’s because Brosnan’s Bond was always Moore Lite. And whilst exec-producing and co-starring in some new telly ‘tec show – as reported today – it’s nothing compared to bringing a SHOP to it’s knees with nothing more than a raised eyebrow.

Yeah. You heard us. A SHOP. He fettled SMERSH ages ago. They had to make up a new organisation for Daniel Criag.  Who just looks puzzled by it.

Yes, as a representative of PETA, Moore has convinced Harvey Nics to stop stocking foie gras. Reports that he did this whilst flying a small aeroplane that was hidden in the back of a horses’ arse like in Octopussy are unconfirmed.

Following what we like to believe was the sound of a Walther PPK safety-catch being released, Moore stated

“I will now be turning my attention to a little shop in Piccadilly called Fortnum & Mason, which PETA informs me is resistant to appeals for compassion”

How ‘Bond’ is THAT? It’s like when he casually ‘offed’ Blofeld in the first couple of minutes of ‘Live and Let Die’.

Look over your shoulder the next time you’re in Waitrose. That’s all we’re saying.

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If last night’s Oscars taught us anything, it’s that George Clooney can do no wrong.

There he was, right in the front row, pulling a thousand faces that made him look like everything from a bored child in church to a bored child in church with a nasty case of intestinal parasites, and the ladies still swooned all over him. Why? Because George Clooney and his ilk are lotharios. If only you could be more like him, eh? Eh?

Luckily, we’re here to help. To make sure that everyone has the chance to become an old-school jet-setting charmer like Clooney or Brad Pitt or Roger Moore, we’ve knocked up this handy guide to becoming an international charmer. Enjoy, and thank us later…

Dress code

At first we were going to suggest a sharp Don Draper-style suit, but that’s no good. A hit with the ladies he may be, but Draper’s all about work. Imagine what a sweltering wreck you’d be if you spent your summer strolling around Capri in a full suit and tie. No, to pull this look off, you have to think like the masters – what you need is a tiny pair of Speedos, with a velvet smoking jacket to set it off in the evenings. As for accessories, you can never go wrong with a giant gold medallion nestled in a luxurious mane of chest hair. You may also like to think about experimenting with a moustache.

Transport

To become a true international lothario, you’ll need a yacht and a tiny Italian sports car. But then you’ll only be a good international lothario, and they’re ten a penny. If you want to be a great international lothario, why not invest in a helicopter? After all, any idiot can drive a car along the Amalfi coast, but only a true jet-setter can zoom over it in their own chopper with three giggling supermodels on each arm. Be sure to throw your head back and laugh like you haven’t got a care in the world every couple of miles, too. You’re much more likely to crash as a result of doing this, but what do you care? You don’t fear death, you’re rich!

Accent

Remember, you’re an international lothario. Blathering away in your natural Billericay accent won’t get you anywhere. You need to sound witty and profound and charming and deep if you’re going to ahead with the European glamourcenti. So why not take a leaf out of Daniel Day Lewis’s book? In Nine, Daniel adopted a bizarre mid-European accent so utterly bewildering that the likes of Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson, Marion Cotillard and Nicole Kidman couldn’t help but throw themselves at him. Remember, nothing is sexier than sounding a bit like Borat’s developmentally-challenged younger nephew.

Hobbies

As a man of incredible style and wealth, you’ll need to find something to occupy your time. And playing Mario Kart in your pants probably won’t square with your new image as a jet-setting charmer. You could collect art, or become a wine buff, or learn to appreciate opera – but that’s hardly exciting. Some form of sporting activity works well – look at what a dollop of tennis prowess did for noted jetsetter Jacques D’Azur, on and off the court – but if you’re going to do something, you may as well do it properly. So why not develop a side career as a master criminal instead? It’ll ensure that you remain a member of the idle rich, it’ll keep you in expensive clothes, it’ll give you a hint of danger that will drive the ladies wild and – if Danger: Diabolik is any indication – you’ll get to live in a psychedelic underground cave that contains a giant, rotating, money-covered bed. Plus you get to wear all-in-one leather ninja suits, too. How many wine buffs can get away with that?

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You knew what you got when Roger Moore was James Bond – safari jackets, volcano HQs and women called Felicity Nobgobbler.

Not any more, though. Daniel Craig is James Bond now, so that means that when you watch a James Bond film you’re essentially getting whatever happened in the last Bourne movie, but without any of the interesting bits about amnesia.

And this has upset Roger Moore. Moore says he’s saddened by all the flashy violence in the new Daniel Craig James Bond movies, and he wishes that 007 films could be more like the ones he made. The thing is, he’s got a point – we know we’d have enjoyed Quantum Of Solace quite a lot more if all the parkour scenes starred a wheezy old man in a corset who looks like he smells of urine-soaked leather instead of Daniel Craig.

Everyone has their favourite Bond. Purists like Sean Connery, discerning connoisseurs like George Lazenby, ironic students like Roger Moore, idiots like Timothy Dalton, people with weird preoccupations with space lasers like Pierce Brosnan and lonely single female office temps like Daniel Craig.

With each new James Bond comes a new reflection of the times. And, if you’ve seen Quantum Of Solace, you’ll know that the times we’re in now require a mute cardigan-wearing nightclub bouncer who smacks people in the face a lot and never ever tells any jokes ever.

Honestly, Quantum Of Solace is so brainlessly devoid of wit or substance that it’s just one giant Ebonics-speaking robot away from being a Michael Bay movie. In Quantum Of Solace, James Bond isn’t the stylishly bulletproof playboy that he’s supposed to be; he’s a squat thug who grunts a lot and – this is heartbreaking – doesn’t get to have sex with one of the Bond girls because she tells him that his mind is like a prison cell. He doesn’t even try to rape her. It’s such a letdown.

And we’re not the only ones disappointed by the new James Bond. The old James Bond is equally disappointed. Although he initially stuck up for Daniel Craig after his appointment as 007, Roger Moore has now decided that there’s too much bang bang and not enough kiss kiss in films like Quantum Of Solace. Reuters reports:

“I am happy to have done it, but I’m sad that it has turned so violent,” Moore said before “Quantum of Solace,” starring Daniel Craig as a darker Agent 007, opens in North America on Friday. “That’s keeping up with the times, it’s what cinema-goers seem to want and it’s proved by the box-office figures.”

Although Roger Moore does have a point – Quantum Of Solace would have been slightly more bearable if James Bond managed to crack a smile for even a second during it – we could all do well to remember that Roger Moore is an 81-year-old man and therefore automatically hates violence. Give him a week or two and we wouldn’t be surprised if he also starts complaining about how young policemen look and those fiddly new 5p coins.

And, who knows, maybe in 30 years’ time Daniel Craig will also complain about how violent James Bond has got. Admittedly for 007 movies to get any more violent than they already are, the next James Bond will need to be a cyborg with chainsaws for arms and a flamethrower rectum, but let’s not rule that out right now.

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Must be hard not to patronise people when you are James Bond.

When you can basically do anything, kill anything and shag anything while in the middle of saving the world, it can't be easy making small talk with us mere mortals. Usually, he tries to disguise it with terrible puns. Shocking! But every now and again he slips up (mainly on Roger Moore's watch).

Like women, fast cars and Martinis, he just can't help himself. There are many we could mention, but we have decided to cut them down to just five:

5. Patronising remark: "Very good."

Film: Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

James Bond: Pierce Brosnan

By 1997, Bond was supposed to be a new man, but he still could not resist one small dig at Chinese agent Michelle Yeoh after she helps him escape. "Very good" has to be one of the most patronising things you can say to anyone, but somehow he gets away with. Unfortunately, the film itself was neither any good, nor did they get away with it.

4. Patronising remark: "Most girls just paddle around. You swim like a man."

Film: Thunderball (1965)

James Bond: Sean Connery

We tried this remark once at the local swimming pool. Suffice to say we got a boot in the Speedos for our troubles. Of course, Bond, speaking to the stunning Domino, does more than get away with it. Lucky bastard.

3. "That'll keep you in curry for a week."

Octopussy (1983)

James Bond: Roger Moore

We shudder to think how this remark to Indian ally Sadruddin got past the censor.

2. Patronising remark: "Play it again, San" to an Asian foe.

Moonraker (1979)

James Bond: Roger Moore

It is possible a pun too far, even for James Bond. Mind you, that fact that his love interest in Moonraker is called Dr Holly Goodhead says it all.

1. Patronising remark: "Your turn will come."

Film: The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)

James Bond: Roger Moore

Bond's relationship with bumbling but beautiful fellow agent Mary Goodnight – played by Britt Ekland – is totally patronising. But the 'your turn will come' remark as he turfs her out of bed in favour of Maude Adams has to be tip of the iceberg. It's also poor judgement.