The Grand Theft Auto series is like a biblical dynasty, with more and more versions being released on what seems like an almost daily basis. Before long we’ll be able to chart our lives by where we are when the new GTA was released.

Like how the elderly chart theirs by when JFK or Elvis died, or One Direction fans will when Harry Styles finally succumbs to hairspray poisoning and he’s found slumped over Caroline Flack’s riddled corpse, herself only recently imploded under her own sense of self worth.

Well before that happy occasion arrives, you can all just shut up and read our brilliant and totally 100% correct in every which way review of Grand Theft Auto 3 for iOS and even some Android phones.

Although not a new offering from the Rockstar laboratories of prostitute haters, it is the newest of the franchise to reach the imaginary cyber-shelves of the App Store and has even been tinkered with to make the most of the new technologies that weren’t available back in the day, and which we can’t profess to know anything about. Get off our back, we can name all the Kardashians in order of Evil, can you do that? ‘Sackly, now step off.

Returning to Liberty City a decade after the original release was probably going to raise a few eyebrows and call for cries of nepotism and cashing in, but that’s entirely not the case. Yes, it is the same game essentially, and yes, you do have to pay a premium (for iPad games anyway) for a decade old game, but the people from Rockstar haven’t been resting on their smelly bums waiting for you to fork out your hard money in a nostalgic fervour. They’ve tweaked the graphics to take away the odd blurring issue that the original had and gave it a lovely spruce of paint. As well as the important graphics issue which grated cocks back in 2001, they’ve also added a fancy new camera angle which makes the whole thing just like the original Grand Theft Auto. Essentially it’s only a top down view, but for us who still hark back about how fantastic the original Grand Theft Auto was back then, it is a lovely feature.

As you might expect, the controls issue is always a problem with games on iPad, but Rockstar have done the impossible. They’ve made it actually possible to control a 3D character without careening off a cliff or into an bystander. Obviously in GTA3 those are things that you would want to do eventually anyway, but you don’t want to do it involuntarily. The control panels, on both sides of the screen are full of helpful buttons like ‘Walk’, ‘Open Car Door’, ‘Shoot Bitch In Face With Gun’ *paraphrasing* but they aren’t cumbersome or unsightly. They fade in and out when they are in use, and don’t take up space on the playing screen. This might be a problem on the iPhone because of it’s smaller screen, but there was no trouble on the iPad version.

Unfortunately there’s no multiplayer aspects SO FAR, but that’s not to say that there isn’t going to be one in an upcoming update. There’s nothing quite running your girlfriend or boyfriend off the road in their car, only to see it explode into a ball of flames as you burn off to start a new life in a new part of town. It would be nice to see in Grand Theft Auto as well, fnanananaa.

For the remarkable price of ONLY £2.99, the only thing holding you back is if Alexandra Burke herself was selling the fucker on QVC. It’s literally begging for you to play it. And seeing as it’s the season of goodwill to all men, and non-celebrity women, this is either going to get you through some really shit Christmas television, or it’s going to be a great present. Not for us mind, we don’t want anything that you’ve even looked at. We know where you’re eyes have been.

Listen up losers, there’s something you need to know. It won’t help you find a girl/boy/dogfriend, you pathetic sacks of rotting fat molecules. And it won’t get you more money to spend on any more useless gifts for your loved ones; those loved ones who only keep you around until the end of the year so they can get a present from you.

And it certainly won’t make you feel any younger. You’ll still creek like a damp-sodden sideboard half hanging out of a skip each morning and night.

But you can rejoice a little bit, before going back to your worthless lives, because Grand Theft Auto 3 is soon to be available for iOS 5. For those of you don’t know, that’s what us rich people call the operating system on their iPhones and iPads. GTA3 HD, which it will probably be called, is also available on Android. But the less said about that the better.

Although it might seem that everyone and their step-children are talking about Grand Theft Auto 5, and theorising over the most minute specks of information, gleaned from a rather short, nondescript trailer. Much like those insufferable Potterphiles. Or the unemployed obese who managed to stick with Lost beyond Season Two.

GTA3 is still, and will be, a valiant attempt at making sure kids know the best angle to hold a gun at when you’re doing a drive by. Between rioting, of course.

The gameplay is reportedly the same as the release ten whole years ago, that’s a decade in old money, but from sneaky videos made when Rockstar debuted the game at this year’s Comic-Con, you can see the graphics have been up-tweaked slightly. Think of it like the group performances on X Factor; everything has been modified slightly. For the better.

There’s no release date set but that’s what makes it interesting. Some people think that it is imminent, whereas some think that it’ll be out for the holidays, cynically. There also isn’t a definite pricing structure established, so could try harder Rockstar, C+.

One thing that we think might cause us to propel our iPads across the room, like a very expensive frisbee, is the potential fiddly-diddly controls. iOS developers have always struggled to find the best way of placing buttons so you don’t find yourself walking into the area covered by your thumbs as you chase prostitutes, or that guy who looked at you funny.

So although there’s not much concrete information for us to give you, we’ll probably keep you updated with new developments. And if we don’t, console yourself with the thought that we’ve probably just found something better to do. Like watch a particularly gripping episode of ‘Doctors’ or setting half an hour aside for a good poo.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

The video game equivalent of Child’s Play is back with yet another sequel, taking the number in the GTA franchise to such an amount that it now rivals the amount of times Kerry Katona has relapsed on ket ‘n’ chips.

It’s gone to the ’80s, ’60s London and even the present day (which is a rarity in video games), so the public were looking forward to something fantastic with what is going to be one of 2012′s biggest gaming releases (unless there is a Stacey Solomon Teaches Elocution obviously).

Luckily for Rockstar North there probably won’t be any rioting because GTA 5 as it is being known, is set to blow the hubcaps off the franchise, stop by a Dixie Chicken before continuing to pummel prostitutes into oblivion. And sell in its thousands. And yes, the trailer is over the jump for you to watch.

We’re returning to Los Santos, which is the Rockstar version of Los Angeles, so we’re hopeful of seeing Lindsay Lohan smacked off her tits in a morgue while Kim Kardashian stars in the next series of ‘The Batchelorette’.

Oh, and there’s helicopters, jets, fast cars and even a jet ski.

Not much is shown about the story, apart from the protagonist being a family man, who moved to Los Santos to see his kid grow up. Seems a little like the character bio for a new Mitchell in Eastenders, but we’ll forgive that for now because there’s jet skis in the trailer.

Some nicer graphics would’ve been nice, but y’know, you can’t demand the world from a stupid video game can you? Nice to see the Small Faces appearing as soundtrack in the trailer too.

Still, looks like fun though.

Jet skis.

Or click here to watch it in case the HTML code is being a loser on our site.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

The Grand Theft Auto franchise is one of the most wildly successful things to ever crash land onto our pop-culture radar. Basically, the release of GTA3 was the moment that Hollywood realised it was about to have its thunder stolen by video games.

Flicking through radio stations while murdering completely innocent civilians for no reason at all and razzing cars ’til they blew up was the most fun you could have with your clothes on, provided you’re the kind of loser who actually wears clothes while gaming.

And the series continued to grow apace, with Vice City giving everyone a love for dodgy ’80s records again, as well as allowing us all to spot potential psychopaths in our circle of friends as they told you in great detail about the ways in which they murdered prostitutes for giggles. And now, Grand Theft Auto V (or GTA5 if you prefer) is imminent and there’s a trailer being dangled before us.

Rockstar have a holding page for GTA5 (which you can view here if you’re thoroughly bored) which promises a trailer of the game for 11/2/11.

That’s exciting isn’t it?

Of course, it’ll be the usual mindless violence-fest, complete with wanted levels, cartoonish stereotyping and licensed radio stations.

However, when games get this big, programmers and producers like to tinker with the format (look at the way EA mucked around with the tackling system on FIFA12).

So what would we like to see?

Less realism

Okay. Grand Theft Auto IV was a great game and all, but really, compared to older games, it was a much slower pace. There was more life admin that got in the way of the really fun stuff. And of course, the really fun stuff is shooting and driving cars incredibly quickly. Taking girls for dates in bars and learning how to play darts is all well and good, but really, that time often ends up with a mindless rampage thanks to being frustrated at the slow progression through the game.

Less giving lifts to people

Seriously. It’s fair enough that your first challenge should be giving some berk a ride, just so you can get used to the driving controls… but seriously… no more giving lifts to people. There’s no fun in having a car in GTA if you have to carefully plod your way to a checkpoint. The whole point of driving in GTA is to completely obliterate your car, okay?

Less talking

We get it. You want to recreate the cinematic experience and get taken seriously by adults. DON’T. The reason that video games are better than movies is that they’re interactive. If there’s going to be some kind of Heavy Rain interactivity or decision making in the chat, fine. Anything else is just denying us the chance to indulge ourselves in mindless fun.

Less World

Sandbox games are undeniably impressive. These giganto world never fail to wow… however, sometimes, they’re so big that it’s boring. Look at the hugely overrated Red Dead Redemption. Instead of getting your kicks and blowing people’s heads off, most of the time spent was commuting. Commuting is boring. There was also a lot of pointless admin in that game, picking flowers for old men and filling out stupid forms in police stations. Sod that. Gaming isn’t supposed to be ‘zen’. It’s supposed to be visceral and engrossing. There’s a lot to be said for the dumb-glee of a linear game. Of course, if you turned GTA into a sideways scroller, it wouldn’t be half as much fun, but there’s a lot to be said for the instant gratification of a game that takes you from Point A to Point B.

Play As Yourself

Really, it’s about time that you were able to put yourself into these games. FIFA and WWE games allow you to create yourself, so imagine how funny it would be to watch you, pathetic ol’ you, running around with an Uzi, shooting old women in the knees while Triads try and stab you a new anus!

What do you twerps think?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

I’m not a gamer. I’ll happily have an evening with a controller and a few beers, but when my thumbs start to blister and my eyes crust over, I rejoin the real world.

Having said that, I’m not lacking that manchildish streak that still gets pants wettingly excited at the prospect of being a cowboy/ pirate/ zombie/ space marine/ Elvis.

You only have to see the average stag do to see grown men, thanks to intoxication and a flimsy excuse, donning the likeness of their particular hero and having a jolly good prance about.

This is why Rockstar Games had such a genius idea when they took their GTA series and put a Stetson on it. EVERY man out there with a twig and giggleberries loves the idea of being able to skin Clint Eastwood and scare the bum custard out of a saloon full of banditos.

It sound like this is an idea that couldn’t go wrong. Take the guts of the insultingly successful Grand Theft Auto series and set it in the Wild West. Mix intelligent, player-led gameplay with the kind of personality-ruining role play usually found in dingy German fetish clubs and hey presto!

This is where my eight-year-old self pisses himself with excitement. My flatmate has a copy, and lets me play if I give him my pocket money and other stuff. I jumped at the chance. I promptly regretted it.

Like I said, I’m not a gamer, I didn’t really get into the GTA series. Thus the controls rattled me at first. Walking, shooting and watching cut scenes all come naturally, but doing more than one at a time and I am struggling. Plus the fly-behind-camera gets very confused with its zooms and does something to ruin the fire fight. Often performing a colonoscopy on your horse.

There are other irksome features, the lethally long-winded weapon selection menu, the constant button bashing to get John Marston to mince a bit quicker and the fact that you can’t punch accurately.

But these could all be forgiven if the game seemed to have a storyline. There are frequent cut scenes and walk and talks to deliver this to you, but it’s more than likely you’ll skip them as they are insanely dull.

So screw it, let’s do it like a real outlaw. Sod the rules, storyline and helpful hints. I’m going to strike out into the brush by myself and try to find the fun parts of the game.

There is to do, but there doesn’t seem to be much point to any of it. You can help the AI characters, kill them, buy them off or shoot all the horses. This plays havoc with Fame and Honour ratings.  Which means bugger all. You still get given plenty of less than rewarding, shamefully easy mini missions – still with no idea where or how to find the bad guy, or why you want to. I don’t even know what the name is all about.

This makes me think, all this ‘plot’ is probably in the manual. Bloody hell! The bad guy kidnapped Marston’s wife and kid. The game probably mentioned that in some epic cut scene I didn’t watch.

Weirdly, Marston never seems to bring it up. He must have gotten over it and really be enjoying my confused romp through the brush, shooting innocent creatures or lassoing the townsfolk and leaving them all hogtied. There really is no sense of overall point to this game.

But the real world beckons and I’m bored enough of staring at the back of Marston’s head to quit and realise I’ve spent much longer than expected at this. Hours, maybe even days have passed.  I smell, my hands are sore and there are a massive quantity of empty beer cans around.

I have achieved nothing within the game, but it really is addictive. Not in a good, challenging and rewarding way. But in a schizophrenic, Being John Malkovich, stalking Jill Dando kind of way.

It really is a game that is all about escapism. It’s not a game, it’s a fantasy. Rockstar have left you free enough to turn the game into whatever you want it to be. You can be the good, bad or ugly. But you’ll still end up listening to some irritating animated Irishman talking guff about horse gonads.

(By Randy Figgins)

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Eminem's been awfully quiet lately – so quiet that he hasn't even guff-headedly tried to get remarried to his ex-ex-ex-wife in the last couple of months.

But maybe that's because Eminem was quietly hatching a plan to get his name back up in lights again. Maybe Eminem was preparing to take the lead in a brand new movie based on Grand Theft Auto.

No. No he wasn't. According to GTA producers Rockstar, Eminem was never going to star in a Grand Theft Auto movie, because a Grand Theft Auto movie was never going to be made. Good thing too – we always had Eminem down as more of an Irritating Stick kinda guy anyway.

A few years ago, Eminem had the world at his feet. He'd managed to achieve the impossible and become a credible white rapper, he'd punished all those who'd ever held him back in the past by making Dido famous and there was talk of him winning an Oscar for 8 Mile even though he was so transparently playing himself that we're surprised that the movie didn't end with him remarrying and divorcing the same woman 16 times in a row. 

Since then, though, Eminem hasn't contributed anything to the world of cinema. To be fair Eminem hasn't contributed much to anything lately, except perhaps the pneumonia-suffering lardballs statistics, but let's just focus on the world of cinema for now, OK?

Remember that talk of Eminem starring as a modern-day gun-totin' cowboy in that Have Gun Will Travel remake? Didn't happen. But you might have heard that Eminem was getting ready to star in a movie based on the Grand Theft Auto videogame series – that's still definitely on. And when we say 'definitely on' we mean 'not even vaguely going to ever happen, especially if it's got Eminem in it.'

If you haven't guessed, Rockstar has shot down rumours of the Eminem-starring Grand Theft Auto movie. MTV reports:

On Tuesday night, Variety reported that "a deal was virtually in place with one of the six major movie studios" to begin development of a "GTA" movie, possibly starring Eminem. But the deal, according to the report, fell through for unknown reasons. Reached for comment by MTV News, Dan Houser, vice president of creative at Rockstar, said no movie was ever in the works. "Not as far as we are concerned… Some movie producers were trying to put something together to entice us to make a movie, as studios and production teams frequently have done in the past. This proposal was no more interesting than the numerous others we receive. We never entertained proceeding with the project."

It's a shame, really, because Eminem would be perfect for the lead in a Grand Theft Auto movie; running around, shooting people, stealing their cars, climbing up the criminal underworld's career ladder, all set to – if there was any justice and based on Vice City – pop hits of the 1980s. Although, of course, if the Grand Theft Auto movie has Eminem in it, it'd be relocated to Detroit and have a soundtrack of Eminem songs rather than Luther Vandross songs. And it would be about a struggling white rapper instead of a would-be criminal.

Still, now that the Grand Theft Auto movie has been officially denied, Eminem can go back and do what makes him most happy these days – eating relentlessly and catching serious lung diseases.

Read more:

'Grand Theft Auto' Movie, Possibly Starring Eminem, Shot Down By Rockstar Games - MTV 

Remember Blink 182?

Despite only disbanding as recently as 2005 (apparently), this trio of punk-pop muppets were really big in the year 1999, which led many to believe that a global technogical meltdown at the turn of the century would have been preferable to hearing All The Small Things one more time. Alas, it wasn't to be, and album Enema Of The State (do you see what they did there? Do you?) went on to sell approximately sixty million billion trillion copies the world over.

You'd think, then, that the Blinksters would be a relatively chilled-out bunch these days, happy to kick back and watch the odd royalty cheque pop through the letterbox. Unfortunately, you'd be quite massively wrong – because the band's former drummer Travis Barker is mightily pissed off about something and he wants the whole wide world to know it. 

Barker's anger lies with energy drink Rockstar, who he claims wrongfully used his picture by publishing an image of him on their website "holding a can of one of Rockstar's beverages, and identifying him and his endorsement by name".

While Barker naturally seems like quite a bizarre, relatively low-key figure for a company to use as a figurehead – kind of like 'hey, I'm Crispin Mills from Kula Shaker, and I can't get enough of Findus Crispy Pancakes', or 'hi, I'm Brad Renfro and I just love Axa life insurance'* – a big old lawsuit is all set to go ahead.

Barker's lawyers are frothing that:

'… the company unjustly used his photo and image to endorse their product,
alleging invasion of privacy, unfair competition and misappropriating
his likeness to promote the product.'

Fair enough, but they also make the claim that Barker is "a prominent figure in the rock music world" - a statement that was either a) written eight years ago or b) pushed out there by the ballsiest legal attorney in the world.

Probably a bit similar to that Lionel Hutz character from The Simpsons, except with a love of rubbish Walmart 'punk' and a bright orange Californian skin-glow in place of that yellow Groening tinge.

Hecklerspray, on the other hand, would like it put on record that we would never endorse an energy drink such as Rockstar. Except to say that – should Blink 182 be announcing a comeback gig in your local area – you'd probably be able to run away faster if you downed five cans of the stuff.

Or possibly a bottle of delicious, delicious Lucozade (available from all good supermarkets, and some bad ones too) instead. 

Read More:

Blink 182 Man Files Suit Against Beverage Company – NME

* Too soon?