That Axl Rose is a nice, reasonable, not completely batpiss mental fella isn’t he? No, you might think that all the business with bullying the behatted Slash was all a bit much, but really, wouldn’t you pick on a berk from Stoke who looked like that?

Course you would.

Naturally, what with Axl being absolutely misunderstood, former Guns N’ Roses members aren’t looking forward to the group’s induction at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They think kitten Axl is going to spoil it all in some way.

Steven Adler, who used to mindless thwack the drumkit in GNR is most concerned about Axl’s antics and that the cornrowed shrieker may let his grudge ruin their Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame induction.

Adler spoke to Rolling Stone, saying:

‘You figure that time could heal all wounds, but some people just really hold a crazy grudge’

‘The real shame about the ending of Guns N’ Roses, when I got kicked out, wasn’t just that I got kicked out, but Slash and Axl stopped working together. They are the Keith Richards and the Mick Jagger! For 20 years, because of some stupid grudge, which I guarantee you that neither of them could even tell you what it was.

‘I just had lunch with Slash. He loves Axl. He holds no grudges towards him. Twenty years of great music wasn’t created because of some stupid grudge.’

Of course, Axl wouldn’t accept that he hasn’t done a damn decent thing since he stopped playing nice with Slash (matter of fact, he didn’t really do much while WITH Slash, apart from about 4 seconds of Welcome To The Jungle), and will no doubt appear at the Hall Of Fame show to play some dross from Chinese Democracy, still under the firm belief that it’s some of the best music ever, ever created.

Adler is hoping for a reunion of the classic line-up… all together now…

FAT FUGGIN’ CHANCE!

The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame is, as everyone knows, a hallowed place reserved only for those who rock the hardest.

You know, like Abba. And Genesis. Those cats are responsible for more melted speakers and blown minds than you could ever hope to count. Why, remember the time when Phil Collins bit the head off a Yorkshire terrier during the second chorus of I Can’t Dance onstage that time? Or when the beardy one out of Abba broke away from the middle eight of Dancing Queen to carve the word ‘HATE’ into his bare chest with a broken jam jar?

That’s why both Genesis and Abba will be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame next year. And that’s why KISS won’t be, the cat-faced bellends.

On the face of it, KISS have done more for the cause of rock and roll than any other band on the planet. They wanted to rock and roll all nite to such an extent that they couldn’t even find the time to go to school to learn how to spell the word ‘night’ properly. They believed that God gave rock and roll to us, when in reality he’s only really responsible for Jesus and pestilence. They pledged allegiance to the state of rock and roll, even though rock and roll isn’t even a congressional district, let alone a state. That‘s how much KISS love rock and roll.

Everything that the members of KISS have ever done, solo or as a band, has been done with end goal of being inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame. Everything. The tongue waggling. The stupid facepaint. The deliberately bad hair. The genuinely harrowing sex tapes. The awful songs that all mentioned rock and roll every three lines. That world’s worst cover version of Firestarter. So they must be pretty arsed off that they were beaten to the punch by Abba and Phil Collins this year. The Boston Herald reports:

The Rock Hall announced its class of 2010: prog-rockers Genesis, Swedish disco stars ABBA, prepunk punks the Stooges, reggae hero Jimmy Cliff and British Invasion band the Hollies… “There are disco bands, rap bands, Yiddish folk-song bands in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but not KISS,” [Gene] Simmons griped last year. “I believe we have more gold records in America than any other group, but it’s OK.”

Still, it doesn’t matter what Gene Simmons thinks. All we know is that next year’s Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame ceremony is going to be the best ever. An old reggae man, a topless rocker whose body looks like a condom full of eels, a band that nobody cares about, some Swedish billionaires and Peter Gabriel done up like a poxy tulip – what more could you possibly ask for?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

People, get ready for four full months of nerve-shredding anticipation – the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame inductees have been announced.

And are we ever excited. In just 79 short days we’ll get to see the likes of Run-DMC, Metallica and Bobby Womac get inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame – literally the place to be if you’re a fan of both brain-aching corporate bureaucracy and the sight of people old enough to be your grandparents unironically dressed up like teenagers and looking a bit confused.

We can’t wait. We literally can’t wait. Oh, no, our mistake. We can wait. Sorry.

The thing we love most of all about the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame – even more than watching a handful of creatively-spent old men who all hated each other for decades being forced together for the sake of an ultimately meaningless award – is the show’s process.

We’re being serious. The voting and presentation of the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame has been specifically designed to maximise the public’s excitement. First comes the incredibly long voting procedure, followed by a big announcement of some of the bands who might make it into the hall. Then, just four short months later, the inductees are finally announced. And then, just four short months later, there’s the induction show itself. Whew! Talk about whistlestop!

So hold onto your hats, everyone, because we’ve just reached the blistering middle stage of the process. The 2009 inductees for the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame have just been announced, and there’s only a third of a titting year to wait until anyone does anything about it.

So, then, the names of the bands to be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame this year – which you’re instantly going to forget anyway so there’s not really much point – are Run-DMC, Metallica, Bobby Womac Little Anthony And The Imperials, Wanda Jackson, Bill Black, DJ Fontana and Spooner Oldham.

Luckily, it seems like all the inductees realise that what they’re being inducted into is basically just a showy circlejerk for music industry insiders and that none of it really matters, as Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich told Newsday:

“[It shows] we are part of the big picture. We are a link in a chain of everyone that’s come before and everyone that’s come after you. I love how it all fits together.”

OK, so maybe not all of the inductees realised that none of it really matters. But, credit where it’s due, Metallica are a link in chain of everyone that’s come before and everyone that’s come after. They’re quite an obvious link, too, because all the links before them are quite good and the link at the other end of the chain is Fred Durst. They must be so proud.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

It’s our favourite time of the year – the time when the shortlisted nominees for next year’s induction to the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame are announced.

Why is it our favourite time of the year? Because we know that from hereon in, it’s going to be a whistlestop pedal-to-the-metal seven-month funride until the bands eventually chosen to go into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame get properly inducted. Seven months. Seven poxy months that we’ll never get back. Fun.

So who could be going into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame next year? Why only Run-DMC, Metallica, The Stooges, Jeff Beck, Wanda Jackson, Chic, Little Anthony And The Imperials, Bobby Womack and War. That’s War the concept of organised military disputes between feuding nations and not War the 1970s jazz-funk fusion band responsible for hits like Why Can’t We Be Friends, by the way. That struck us as weird, too.

Of all the different ways that the Rock And Roll Hall Of fame can make you angry – like the awkwardness of reuniting bands or the desperately bad musical tributes or the inescapable fact that none of it actually matters in the slightest – we think we’ve found a new one.

It’s exactly the same every year. Every year Chic get nominated for the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, and every year The Stooges get nominated for the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame and every year neither of them do because of the long-winded and confusing multi-stage voting process. Do you know what it’s like knowing that you’ve got to write exactly the same thing about Chic and The Stooges every year? Do you? It’s bloody awful.

However, this year we’ve got our fingers crossed really tight for both The Stooges and Chic get inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame. We think they will, as well, because most of the other nominees this year are crap. But first we’ve got to wade through seven months of bureaucratic nonsense. Reports Reuters:

Artists become eligible for the Hall of Fame 25 years after the release of their first single or album and are represented in an exhibition at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland, Ohio. More than 500 music industry professionals will choose five of the nominees for the 24th annual induction on April 4 in Cleveland. The inductees will be announced in January.

So who’s been nominated for induction into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame? Here’s our rundown.

Run-DMC - Rappers responsible for hits like Walk This Way. DMC actually stands for Dog Muck Clodge, after the time that Reverend Run once made a fanny out of some dogshit.

Metallica – Heavy metal group responsible for hits like Enter Sandman. Now more famous for their film Some Kind Of Monster where they all sat in a circle, wanked each other off and then cleaned bugs out of each other’s fur with their fingers than for their music.

Bobbie Womack – Responsible for hits like Let Me Kiss It Where It Hurts. Legally changed his name to Bobbie Womack from the original Boobie Woman in 1974.

Jeff Beck – Responsible for hits like Rock My Plimsoul. Actually invented the guitar – before him, people just used tennis raquets and their own mouths.

Chic – Responsible for hits like Freak Out and Good Times. One of the most influential bands in history, Chic’s fingerprints can be felt all over everything from No Surprises by Radiohead to Here Comes The Bride.

Wanda Jackson – Responsible for hits like Funnel Of Love. Having studied at RADA, Jackson’s first achieved fame with her role in Ken Russell‘s Women In Love before becoming a household name with her portrayal of Queen Elizabeth I of England in the BBC’s 1971 blockbuster serial, Elizabeth R. Now a Labour backbencher representing Hampstead and Highgate.

Little Anthony And The Imperials – Responsible for hits like Shimmy, Shimmy Ko-Ko-Bop. Named ironically, since the band were all medieval peasants and Little Anthony was actually Megatron from Transformers.

The Stooges – Responsible for hits like Search And Destroy. Recently reformed, The Stooges now play concerts exclusively at wakes and pet bar mitzvahs.

War - Responsible for hits like Spill The Wine. One of War’s songs was performed at the end of Lethal Weapon 4. For allowing this to happen, everyone in War is legally a twat.

You’re welcome.

Madonna might not be rock, or especially roll, but she is fame – and one in three's all you need to get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame these days.

Last night, Madonna was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame along with other young upstarts like The Dave Clark Five, John Mellencamp, Leonard Cohen, The Ventures and Little Walter. But Madonna was the real Rock and Roll Hall of Fame headline-grabber, because she's one of the only inductees ever to still be as iconic and popular and relevant as ever at the time of her induction.

So, yeah, Madonna's got all the money and fame and influence and spots in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but can she say she's the 45th most powerful blog in the world according to a Sunday newspaper? No. No she cannot.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame gets an awful lot of attention for what's basically a ropey old tourist trap that effectively celebrates the gradual loss of artistic merit that comes with age and has a set of needlessly complicated admission procedures.

Every year, like clockwork, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees will be scrutinised for their perceived level of rock and roll credibility against a set of non-inductees. For instance, The Stooges aren't in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but The Ronettes are. Does that mean that The Ronettes are more rock and roll than Iggy Pop? And now Madonna is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame too. Is it rock and roll to be a rollerskating granny in a nauseating leotard?

It doesn't matter now, because Madonna is now a stone-cold part of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and so everything Madonna has ever done is now officially rock and roll. That's right – starring in Andrew Lloyd-Webber musicals about sad Argentinians, forcing Willem Dafoe to perform cunnilingus on you in a car park, having arms that look like human scrotums stuffed with live eels and being married to Guy Ritchie are all now undeniably rock and roll.

And, according to the New York Times, Madonna – having been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame by Justin Timberlake – decided to use the opportunity to spread a message of peace. Well, OK, not exactly peace:

Madonna, calling herself a “control freak,” … started one of the longest speeches given at any Hall of Fame ceremony. Among the people she thanked were naysayers: “The ones that said I was talentless, that I was chubby, that I couldn’t sing, that I was a one-hit wonder,” she said. “They pushed me to be better, and I am grateful for their resistance.”

Great. Maybe she'll give us a cut of her fortune as a thank-you, then. The big no-talent, one-hit-wonder, sausage monkey.

Although there's been a bit of a stir that Madonna was whisked through the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's labyrinthine nomination process first time round while other, arguably more influential, artists are left out time and time again, it's probably for the best. Because if Madonna's new album Hard Candy is all as rubbish as that leaked Four Minutes single of hers, then Madonna will be lucky to get into any Hall Of Fame that isn't exclusively for middle aged ladies who still think it's OK to dress like teenagers from now on.

Read more:

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Inducts Madonna – New York Times 

Although the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame is really nothing more than a cruel procession of semi-forgotten acts looking back at a time when their hands didn't resemble gnarled vulture claws, it's still nice to be asked.

So Madonna must be feeling rather spiffy jazzed today, because the final line-up of bands to be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame next year has just been announced and she's on it, along with Leonard Cohen, The Dave Clark Five, John Mellencamp and The Ventures. Come next March, all of these acts will have to trudge down to Cleveland where they'll all be frozen in carbonite like Han Solo and stored away in the bowels of a vast warehouse forever alongside the likes of Little Richard and The Doors, never to make another note of music again.

That's what we want you to tell Madonna if she asks, anyway. OK?

For what basically amounts to a lovely night out that lets a bunch of pensioners talk about the old days and watch Velvet Revolver perform a badly-judged medley of their hits, the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame doesn't half have a convoluted entry process. 

Next year's Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame induction isn't until March 10, but organisers were already faffing about it back in October, when they announced the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame shortlist – a group of acts that released their first single over 25 years ago, making them eligible for Hall Of Fame entry, which serves as a fairly decent excuse for the voting panel to shake their head and tut about how hip-hop isn't real music.

We're guessing that's the case because the shortlist for next year's Hall Of fame entry included both The Beastie Boys and Afrika Bambaataa, and they've both been passed over. The final list of Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame inductees for next year has just been released, and it's not an incredible list by any stretch of the imagination.

Going into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame next year are The Ventures (a surf guitar band who managed to release 52 albums in the 1960s alone), John Mellencamp (a man so dull he had to name himself after a sexually-aggressive older woman in the 1980s), Madonna (a sexually-aggressive woman from the 1980s), Leonard Cohen (the most miserable man alive) and The Dave Clark Five (composers of the official Crystal Palace anthem, so probably the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth most miserable men alive).

Sadly, since three of the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame inductees are solo acts, we might not get to see too much of the most traditional Hall Of Fame activity – the fractious inter-band sniping that tends to happen when bands who split up decades ago because they hated each other are forced to try and get along for one night, often with hilariously ill-willed results.

But it's thought that Madonna will try and make up for this by having a public brawl onstage with all of her old incarnations, like Cowgirl Madonna, Evita Madonna, Conical Bra Madonna and Completely Naked And Slightly Off-Putting Madonna. However, they don't stand a chance against the current Madonna. She's the only one with arms like a bouncer and giant scaly vulture claws, you see.

Read more:

Madonna, Mellencamp Lead 2008 Rock Hall Class – Billboard