When we make lists, they’re usually pretty easy to do. You just take your own opinion of something, prioritise it and throw it in an article without giving the consequences much thought. As such, we still have people arguing the toss (pun intended) over our ‘Top’ Sci-Fi babes & newscasters.

Of course, some lists aren’t that easy to come up with and require rigorously observed criteria in order to make them acceptable for the delicate eyes of our readers.

Our quest was long and arduous but we got there in the end.

Hallowe’en costumes are the sort of thing that you really want to get right. Imagine you’re at a party dressed as a comedy dog turd and that girl/guy that you’ve fancied for ages shows up. The last thing you want is to- quite literally- look like a canine has just expelled you from its rectum.

That’s where the costume makers come in, these kings of convenience will sell you a costume to suit your every whim and fancy, and all for a reasonably small fee.

That’s the criteria of this list- to make it, the costume has to be an all-in-one that you can buy from the internet. None of this “oh, look at the terrible craftsmanship in that gentleman’s homemade ghost costume” tripe here. We’ve also included the links, should you need to pick up some last minute Hallowe’en garb.

Our gratitude to the people of the good ship Twitter for helping us compile this list.

10. Zombie Cowboy

Okay, so they’re not all sexy.

We’ll concede the fact that this is far from the worst costume of the bunch but the mask really lets it down. “Oh, you’ve come as a zombie Charles Manson? You know he didn’t use guns and just convinced people to do his killing for him?” Perhaps the most disturbing element of the costume is the fact that the mask looks one of Jim Henson’s Imagineers turned Manson into a muppet. Chilling.

Highlight: The wee plastic rifle. Not included.

Want it? You can get it here.

9. The Kinky Krayon

The trend for attending Hallowe’en shindigs dressed as a child’s drawing implement is long established but what if you want to go as a wax rod and maintain your femininity? Well, this naughty crayon might be for you. Just don’t put up with any phallic innuendo.

Highlight: This seems to be endorsed by Crayola.

Want it? Get it here.

8. Inflatable Jabba The Hutt

Star Wars fans are always arguing about the minutiae of their favourite film series but, in the first of our Star Wars entries, why not do it dressed like an inflatable, post-stroke Vanessa Feltz? It’s difficult not to suggest that this costume looks like a mutilated penis so… err… this costume looks like a mutilated penis!

Highlight: Its almost looks like he’s winking at you.

Want it? Why wouldn’t you? Get your grubby paws on it here.

7. ‘Why Helllllloow’ Kitty

hecklerspray are by no means moral crusaders. In fact, the less clothes we can put on something, the better. However, this might just take the global obsession with the glorified Nyan Cat, Hello Kitty, a little bit too far. Also, it doesn’t seem to sit very well around the crotch…

Highlight: It barely covers your arse which is exactly what you want from a beloved children’s character.

Want it? You’re a sick puppy.

6. Don’t Cross the Streams

I ain’t afraid of no hot-pants! Seriously though, this one is just wholly impractical. The Ghostbusters wear boiler suits for a reason- to keep the ectoplasm off their skin. With this costume, you could end up with ectoplasm splattered all over your ch- oh… gotcha.

Highlight: A jaunty cap which really sets the whole thing off.

Want it? Buy it with your hard-earned pennies here.

5. Sexually Inappropriate iPhone

In fairness, if this costume was actually called “sexually inappropriate iPhone” then it might be funny but as it is they’ve picked a man who looks enough like a rapist to make this abortion of a costume worthwhile. You’ll notice that some of the buttons are, instead of apps, sexually suggestive comments. We assume that they’re there so that ladies can swan up and touch the one that they want to do with him or at least use them to target their punches.

Highlight: The “turn me on” button that probably doubles as a makeshift glory hole.

Want it? You can buy it on Amazon. Yeah, Amazon.

4. Mind the Gap!

Yes, that’s right folks. In at number 4, it’s everyone’s favourite walking fuzzball given a 21st century update by costume makers so that women can feel sexy while dressed up like a strategically shaved sasquatch. What’s in the pouch? A Wookiee never reveals its secrets.

Or is that a magician?

Highlight: The fur-lined Wookiee pants which will have Star Wars fans from here to Mos Eisley drooling into their inflatable Jabba the Hutt costumes.

Want it? Really? (If that’s not enough, you might enjoy the PVC Darth Vader & Stormtrooper in one of the pictures)

Let it go down in lore that the following costumes are the worst costumes that we have ever seen on sale. In all honesty, they’re probably about equal but we’ve scored them based on how much they ruined much-loved franchises.

3. Cool But Rude?

Let’s remember that classic theme song for a moment. “Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines, Raphael is cool but rude, Michaelangelo is a party dude.” This costume combines all of those elements for those looking to lead people to the bedroom, use a vibrator on them, never call them again and then go to another party to repeat the process. What have you come as? The corruption of childhood memories. Oh, wonderful.

Highlight: PVC boots designed to really accentuate the message of the outfit.

Want it? Of course you do, you kinky thing.

2. Optimus Primed & Ready For Action

It has long been a trucker’s dream that the rig would magically transform into a beautiful woman but it’s so unclear what this costume is actually supposed to be that it would leave even the most ardent truck-fan flaccid. Still, at least it’s not a Michael Bay transformer or you’d be able to see right through her and into the vacuous pit of money where Bay himself lies, mocking everyone that grew up in the 80s & 90s.

Highlight: The two diddy little wheels attached to the shoulders. It’s supposed to make it clearer.

Want it? If you must…

1. Dead or Alive, You’re Coming With Us

What’s that? You didn’t think it could get worse than Optimus Prime? Well, ladies & gentlemen, your number one is the sexy Robocop. Part french maid, part law enforcement cyborg, this costume will set you back about $70 (in that American money) and will ensure that no-one speaks to you all night. Although, for only $30 extra you can get a holster implanted into your leg by a South American doctor in a grubby operating room. Excellent value.

Highlight: Worried that people might mistake the costume for a “tarty Geordi LaForge” the makers of the costume added in a neck band which clearly states who the person is supposed to be. Gets rid of the awkward “what have you come as?” questions. “Oh, you’ve come as an idiot.”

Want it? You’re the worst kind of scum.

So there you have it folks, there’s some real doozies in there but we know that you’ll be all fixed up and will end the evening with your pants around your ankles, vomitting into a Jack o’ Lantern and isn’t that what Hallowe’en’s all about?

Yes, yes it is.

Robocop was, in a way, the original plastic police officer, except he was made of metal and could actually arrest people, unlike his real life counterparts.

Made from the parts of an old police officer who was brutally murdered by Red Foreman from That 70s Show and scraps of metal collected from a dumpster out the back of the General Motors warehouse, Robocop kicked crimes ass all over Detroit.

People loved Robocop because he stood for law and order, by any means necessary. He was also near indestructible and made an awesome whirring sound whenever he moved, plus he had a massive gun and if there’s one things American’s love, it’s a hero with a miniature cannon strapped to them at all times.

The people of Detroit, and by people we mean geeks, wanted their metallic hero immortalised in… erm… metal, in the form of a statue. After all, Philadelphia has a Rocky statue, so why not reward another fictional character from the 80s who’s no longer relevant by making a permanent shrine to them.

The Mayor of Detroit, Dave Bing, received a tweet asking for him to put a statue of Robocop somewhere in the city to boost morale. After Bing had finished laughing he rather predictably put the kybosh on the whole thing.

This angered the geeks, who did what they do best when someone tells them they can’t do something. They took to the internet.

Rather incredibly the campaign was a hit, resulting in both a plot of land being donated for the statue to be built on as well as the sum of $56,000 being raised for the statue itself, smashing the $50,000 target.

So it looks like Robocop will have his own statue built in Detroit, conveniently just in time for the new Robocop film that is due to come out in 2013, not that that has anything to do with it you understand, it’s all just a massive coincidence… maybe… probably… not.

We here at hecklerspray aren’t against the statue per se. Actually, that’s a lie, we are. It is completely stupid to try and create a landmark to a fictional character, unless they’re considered to be some sort of deity. Think about it, in thousands of years, when the statue is found in the ruins of old Detroit, what will people think? They’ll think we’re buffoons, that what they’ll think.

A Robot policeman, honestly.

Besides, it’s plainly obvious for everyone to see that the people of Detroit chose the wrong character to immortalise. So the hecklerspray team has come up with a plan:

That’s right, let’s put a statue of ED-209 on the fourth plinth. Infinitely cooler, as trigger happy as the Met’s SO19 squad and hard as a coffin nail, he’ll really put London back on the map.

Suck on that, Detroit.

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There are certain places that you’re allowed to swear: in the bedroom of a loved one during some sort of steamy romp, a rum-fuelled pool party round Samuel L. Jackson’s house, a Derek & Clive record.

But there are other places where it’s not so cool to swear: in the bedroom of a dying relative during some sort of last rites, a fundraiser for a Pentecostal Church-sponsored under-eight’s netball team, ON AMERICAN TELEVISION AT ANY TIME AT ALL.

What happens when sweary movies are shown on some of the more sensitive US networks? I mean, the best films feature those dastardly curse-words, don’t they? Whether it’s Joe Pesci telling some ‘C-word’ to go ‘eff his Mother’, Jason Statham telling you to ‘suck his so and so’ or Clark Gable telling Olivia de Havilland in Gone With The Wind that, “Quite frankly, you fucking slag, I couldn’t give a fisherman’s piss!”

So how can television combat this evil, evil language? Awful editing that’s how! They take the offending words, cut them and replace them with re-recorded, inoffensive but audibly similar dialogue. Sometimes they do it well, so that if you’d not seen the movie before and didn’t look at the actor’s face when he says the formerly naughty thing, you just about might not notice. Other times, they’re balls-out-of-the-bath brazen about it. No sync-ing, nothing!

Let’s have a look at the ten funniest examples. C’mon, don’t be shy. LOOK SEE!

Die Hard 2

An extravaganza of cutting-room antics here. The highlight being John McClane’s reaction to a plane about to run him over, “Aaah, shoot!”

Robocop

“So, Mr. TV Exec, can we use the word ‘asshole’? No? How about ‘boner’? Not even that? Blimey. Can we leave in all the people getting their heads kicked in and gunned down in a vicious hail of machine-gun bullets? We can? Oh right.”

Weird Science

Words censored here include: nuts, tongue, studs, whips, bang and nipples. Tee hee hee! Nipples!!!

Casino

I hope the editor here was on commission – Casino had over 750,00 swear words! Fuck!

Scarface

If only it tasted like pineapple, eh lads? Eh? Who’s with me? Yeah! No?

The Usual Suspects

Now this is the kind of thing that should bag you Best Film Editing Oscar. Truly, a thing of beauty…

Big Lebowski

What happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass? Same thing that happens when you fight a stranger in the Alps apparently (your car gets smashed up by the fat bloke from Roseanne).

Pulp Fiction

Those fuckers in the editing suite cut every fucking line out of Tarantino’s brilliant fucking screenplay. With what’s left, you may as well just not bother and watch a couple of old episodes on Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper or something. A Travesty.

Ghostbusters

Not even an innocuous film like Ghostbusters can get past Ol’ Editing Edward Scissorhands.

Snakes on a Plane

This is the classic of the genre. It doesn’t get any better than Big Sam’s “I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!” If only all hatchet jobs were this good, we could do away with swear words…

Had enough, you fudgin’ Margaret-flippers? Well, you better had ‘cause that’s it. Go on, scram, you fork-lift cake-sniffers…!

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10 - It’s probably safe to assume that Megan Fox has manky hands – Amy Grindhouse

9 – The Beatles: Surrey’s greatest export. No, really – SurreyHerald

8 - Something about evil babies. EVIL BABIES! – Cracked

7 - An opera version of a Dr Dre song. Marvellous - YouTube

6 - Five sinister newsreaders – Watchwithmothers

5 - Robocop sells out for Korean chicken- Geekologie

4 - Dolph Lundgren sings A Little Less Conversation by Elvis Presley, dances, plays the drums, punches through three planks of wood, obliterates four giant bars made of ice and then finishes singing A Little Less Conversation by Elvis Presley. In that order. You must watch this – Best Week Ever

3 - Go to the Philippines, sing My Way at a karaoke bar, end up dead. Nope, nothing weird about that – Asylum

2 – Nile Crane raps. FOR FOUR FUCKING MINUTES – My Chemical Toilet

1 - Ten minutes of Star Trek actors making sex noises. You’re welcome…

10 – Thank heavens. After tomorrow, all YouTube videos will be like this one again…

9 - The 15 worst porno ideas ever. Hint – your mum accounts for 14 of them – Cracked

8 - Robocop and a unicorn, together at last. Beautiful – Flickr

7 - The five best and five worst Tim Burton movies. As if you didn’t know already - Film

6 - Gratuitous self-promotion, yes, but here’s something Stu wrote for another website. It’s about, bleurgh, the election - Kontraband

5 - Hey, look, The Onion invented Joe The Plumber over a decade ago – Theonion

4 - Are you following hecklerspray on Twitter? Because you should be, and we’re not going to ask you again – Twitter

3 - Songs that sound suspiciously like other songs, with audio - Jamsbio

2 – A Dominoes pizza experiment that’s so perfect we might just cry - Thesneeze

1 – This is what happens if the closest thing you have to social interaction is a computer and a copy of Thriller. All recorded with his mouth – I Am Bored

Like many people we enjoyed the original RoboCop, except for one thing – the ending wasn't depressing enough.

True, it was exciting enough when RoboCop stabbed that bad guy with the glasses, and touching when he referred to himself by his human name afterwards, but that's hardly very depressing, is it?

Are we the only ones who wanted to see RoboCop, his arms septic and withered from years of crippling heroin addiction, putting on a soul-destroying lesbian dildo show for a gaggle of sleazy businessmen?

Perhaps we are. But we always get what we want, which is why we're not completely surprised to hear that Darren Aronofsky - the director of Requiem For A Dream – is in talks to direct a new version of RoboCop. Seriously.

Someone in Hollywood should probably send out a team of scientists to test the town's water supply, because we think it might have been tainted with mercury.

That's the only logical explanation for all the genuinely crackpot decisions that have been made there recently.

First it was announced that Robert Downey Jr would be playing a beefed-up Sherlock Holmes in a movie directed by Guy Ritchie of all people, and now – before anyone's had time to digest that news and realise how awful that sounds – Darren Aronofsky's been mentioned in a report discussing a new RoboCop film. Look:

MGM toppers Harry Sloan and Mary Parent announced the [Red Dawn] remake — along with a big-budget rebuild of "RoboCop," which director Darren Aronofsky among others has recently been in to discuss — in May at the Festival de Cannes.

Darren Aronofsky, of course, is synonymous with two things. One is his strong vision – Requiem For A Dream is a beauty to watch, even if you'll probably try to kill yourself 15 minutes after it's finished – and the other is The Fountain, his ambitious but utterly befuddling 2006 movie about, um, a tree in a bubble in space. Or something.

So this talk of Darren Aronofsky directing a RoboCop remake is either genius or the stupidest thing we've ever heard.

There's every chance that, if this actually happens, Aronofsky's RoboCop will arbitrarily flick backwards and forwards through time, contain a lengthy midsection about slow-motion cell division and finish with an ending so heavy in oblique symbolism that people will think they're watching a 1980s advert for fancy aftershave.

No, actually, screw it – we do want to see Darren Aronofsky direct the RoboCop remake. Not only would it be a refreshingly brave decision for a Hollywood studio to take, but it'd probably mean that Rachel Weisz would be in it, which we're completely OK with.

What's more, if Darren Aronofsky gets to direct RoboCop, than we're one step closer to our dream of seeing David Lynch direct a remake of that film where Tim Allen turns into Father Christmas.