Warning: prepare to disregard this story when Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn inevitably get back together next week.

Because, come on, who are they kidding? We’d say that you’d be able to set your watch by the regularity in which Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn almost get divorced and then call it off, but it would be false – you can’t set your watch by it because science has yet to develop a way to accurately measure increments of time that microscopic.

Anyway, that’s the news – Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn have filed for divorce again. Again. Again.

Slowly but surely, Sean Penn’s life is turning into something resembling Sean Penn’s movie career. That’s not to say it’s exciting or dramatic or full of intense scenes of gut-wrenching emotion, though – more that it’s dull, repetitive and given far more attention than it really warrants.

And that’s mainly because Sean Penn and his sort-of technically-still wife Robin Wright Penn still can’t make up their titting minds whether they want to get divorced or not. You may remember the time in 2007 when Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn decided to get divorced in a move that probably wasn’t caused by Sienna Miller, although it’s fun to blame her anyway. And if you remember that, you’ll remember Sean and Robin deciding to call it all off a little while later.

And then you might remember the time four months ago when Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn filed for divorce again, only to call it off again a few days later. Well, guess what – Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are filing for divorce. No, really, this time they mean it, although presumably they reserve the right to make a humiliating back-down by teatime. People reports:

Robin Wright Penn has filed for divorce from her husband Sean Penn, PEOPLE has learned.  The papers state that “both parties have already agreed to [shared] custody” over their minor son, Hopper Jack, 16, and that “the estranged couple have already agreed to division of all property.” The reason for the split is listed as “irreconcilable differences.”

Now don’t take that last sentence too seriously. You know that divorcing couples only have a limited number of options to use as the cause for their split, and ‘irreconcilable differences’ was simply the closest option to their real reason, which is either ‘probably concilable differences’ or ‘something to pass the time before Cash In The Attic comes on the telly’.

But still, let’s hope that this time Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn have made a final decision about the state of their marriage, and that they’ll be able to both positively move on from here. They’d better, because talking about all their constant divorces and un-divorces is making us feel like we’re trapped in a hall of mirrors. And you definitely don’t want to be in a hall of mirrors with Sean Penn. Imagine all those gigantic chins everywhere. It’d be nightmarish.

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Possibly in a bid to prove once and for all that filming the movie Milk didn’t really turn him gay, Sean Penn has decided to call off his legal separation from his big, fat, ugly wife.

For the record, the woman is probably small, thin and pretty – but wife-compliments are just the kind of thing Sean doesn’t allow people to throw around in his wife’s presence.

That’s why she was leaving him, we heard. We didn’t really hear that.

“I work hard all day, & when I come home all I want is a hot meal waiting for me and perhaps the sports-score section of the newspaper. Is that too much to ask? And by the way – your face is like 70% crows feet! Hag!”

Well that’s just the sort of talk you won’t find floating around the Penn house anymore. That’s because Sean Penn and his wife Beverly Butt Crack Magillicutty-Penn are currently reconciling again.

Please don’t make us check on her real name. Just take it.

News of their new found-again marital bliss may seem like deja vu. Well that’s because it’s already happened like a dozen times. Do you doubt our count? No really – sift them with us:

12: There’s the time he maybe left her for Sienna Miller

11: There’s the time he left her for a mule that he and Sienna rode on their second date

10: There’s the time he left her for A-Rod

11: There’s the time he left her for not getting mad enough when he left her for A-Rod

12: There’s the time he left her for a discounted turkey sandwich

13: There’s the time he left her not necessarily for any specific one person or sandwich, but because he wanted to take a year off to make steamy love to several hard working otters. We heard he was impressed because they seem so industrious.

Well look at that – there were thirteen instances. We must of missed one in our initial count.

Our legal department says some of those might be speculation-based. You know what’s not speculation? The fact that he had filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences recently. Well he’s calling it off again. People.com‘s got the skinny:

“The Oscar-winning actor filed a request Tuesday to dismiss his legal separation case, Marin County, Calif., court records show. “This appears to imply that they’re reconciling again,” says L.A. divorce lawyer Lynn Soodik, who is not involved with the case. “It’s unlikely Sean Penn would request a dismissal for any other reason.” This is the second [read 13th] time the actor has rescinded divorce papers. Penn, 48, and Wright Penn, 43, started divorce proceedings in December 2007 after 11 years of marriage.”

Well all’s good in the Penn household. Until the next time he wants to watch that Deadliest Catch episode he DVRd like two weeks ago but she won’t let him because she’s in the middle of a Scooby-Doo on Monster Island marathon.

That’s the exact reason our parents split, incidentally. We’re just saying Penns – if you really want things to work maybe you should buy a second television. Or check out Hulu.

We hear they have quite a show selection.

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We’d imagine that Sean Penn is hard to live with. Not because of his brooding intensity. Forget all that nonsense.

No, we’d imagine that Sean Penn is hard to live with because you’d be tripping over his weird Mr Punch chin all the time. It’d be a nightmare. Any time you managed to carry a tray with a jug of orange juice on it from the kitchen to the living room without tripping over Sean Penn’s chin would count as a massive victory.

And that’s why Sean Penn and his wife have filed for legal separation. Exactly that. We imagine.

Sean Penn isn’t a man who likes to repeat himself. For instance, after he married Madonna he didn’t then go onto marry another tiny old lady with a silly British accent and a vagina that’s visible from space. And his film roles are all completely different, too – one minute he’ll play an anguished, emotionally-tortured murderer; then he’ll play an anguished, emotionally-tortured ex-con. See? Completely different.

So it’s a little strange to see Sean Penn start to repeating himself almost exactly now. You may remember that in 2007 Sean Penn separated from his wife Robin Wright Penn in 2007, possibly because of Sienna Miller but probably because of Sean Penn’s weird Mr Punch chin, before they suddenly changed their minds a few months later and got back together again. Well guess what’s just happened.

That’s right, Sean Penn has had another go at filing for legal separation from Robin Wright Penn. The Times reports:

The Milk actor blamed “irreconcilable differences” in papers filed in Marin County, near San Francisco last week. He is seeking joint custody of the couple’s two teenage children and asking the court to waive spousal support. With long film careers behind them, any divorce settlement would involve millions.

It was hard to tell, but there have been signs that all were not well between Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn. For instance, Sean Penn conspicuously forgot to mention his wife during his Oscars acceptance speech this year, and also THEY ALREADY FILED FOR DIVORCE ONCE BEFORE A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO. You need eagle eyes to pick up intermarital stresses like this, so don’t beat yourself up if you missed them. OK, beat yourself up a bit.

Anyway, we can’t help feeling that this divorce is the worst possible thing that Sean Penn could do. What if he finds that his mood is lightened by freedom of singledom? That’d be the end of his career, surely? It was bad enough watching him smile twice in Milk, so God knows what’ll happen if he actually decides to laugh on camera. It’s too horrifying to contemplate.

Also, Sean Penn would be screwing his wife over if he moved out of their marital home. Between the weight of his awards and the weight of his ego, he’s probably buggered the foundations right up. Plus nobody wants to live in a house with chin-grooves scored into it, do they?

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The Sean Penn/ Robin Wright Penn divorce was the one divorce that everyone was looking forward to, but now the bastards have spoilt it.

How? By flipping well falling back in love again, that’s how. Although they filed for divorce in December, Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn have now decided to call the divorce off so that they can sit around kissing and holding hands for the indefinite future.

We feel sick – this isn’t how Hollywood marriages are supposed to go at all. Where’s the infidelity, the bitterness, the petty public games of one-upmanship? Where, damn it, is the embarrassing sexual encounter with the seven-foot transsexual hooker? Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn, your happiness infuriates us.

We’ve got several different theories as to why being married to Sean Penn must be horrible. These include:

• His chainsmoking.

• His grouchiness.

• His constant po-faced chest-beating about the war.

• The way we expect that he spent months walking around the house practising his disabled voice all the time before filming I Am Sam.

• The fact that Madonna divorced him and yet still hasn’t divorced Guy Ritchie. We couldn’t stay in a marriage knowing that our spouse wasn’t even as good as Guy Ritchie, that’s for sure.

• The fact that he looks like a Mr Punch doll that’s been left in an acid bath for a month.

But try telling any of those reasons to Robin Wright Penn, because she loves Sean Penn so much that she can’t even bring herself to divorce him properly any more.

Back in December, Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn shocked the world by filing for divorce. They had been married for 11 years, which works out at about 400 Earth years, and were generally regarded as one of the strongest couples in all of Hollywood. Literally the strongest – not one person has ever challenged Robin Wright Penn to an arm-wrestle and come out of it without looking like they’d been in some kind of horrific industrial accident.

What caused the Sean Penn/ Robin Wright Penn divorce proceedings? Was it, as some suggested, because Sienna Miller wanted to hump Sean Penn? Was it for some other reason? Or a reason other than that? Or another one?

Well, actually it doesn’t matter, because Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn have decided to call the whole divorce thing off. Reuters reports:

Oscar winning actor Sean Penn and his wife actress Robin Wright Penn have withdrawn their divorce petition filed in December, a court document posted on celebrity Web site TMZ.com showed on Wednesday. The request to dismiss the divorce, filed one day earlier in Superior Court of California in Marin County north of San Francisco, shows the withdrawal was made “without prejudice.” A spokeswoman for Penn declined to comment, and no further details were available.

And that’s exactly the way it should be – no further details deserve to be available, because Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn’s love should speak for itself.

Also, any details that are made available are going to look doubly silly when Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn decide that they really are going to get divorced again in a couple of months. Let’s not forget that.

Read more:

Sean Penn, wife Robin end divorce proceeding - Reuters