Well they’re wrong. Last night, the big winner at the Grammys was… oh. Alright, maybe the Grammys do cater for a smug, greying establishment, otherwise Robert Plant and Alison Krauss wouldn’t have won so many awards for their fiddle-di-dee bluegrass album Raising Sand.

But they did, so congratulations to Robert Plant. We don’t know how Robert will celebrate his Grammy win but, from the look of him, we’d assume that it’ll involve a moustachioed circus ringmaster holding a whip and a chair.

Usually the Grammys have something for everyone – no, really, everyone gets an award, there are like a billion categories or something – but that sadly wasn’t the case this year.

Why? Because, while the Grammys had a fleet of now-traditional onstage collaborations – like Paul McCartney and Dave Grohl, Stevie Wonder and the Jonas Brothers and, um, Keith Urban and Boyz II Men – the audience wasn’t able to enjoy the sight of a wobbly-legged young scamp dancing around like Michael Jackson trying to run away from the police after being shot with a tranquiliser dart, because Chris Brown might have hit Rihanna or something and had to cancel his performance.

But just because it was short a couple of mediocre R&B performances, the Grammys weren’t going to give up that easily – not when it had to reward a man who looks like leather lion and a woman whose facial skin is so tight that it might well ping off the back of her skull if she scratches her nose.

That’s right, Robert Plant and Alison Krauss were the biggest winners of last night’s Grammys, picking up awards for Album Of The Year, Record Of The Year, Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals, Best Country Collaboration With Vocals, and Best Contemporary Folk/Americana Album. The last of these is certainly a surprise – Robert Plant is the least American person on Earth thanks to his weird Adrian Chiles speaking voice – but, as AP reports, he isn’t complaining:

While accepting the Grammy for album of the year, the 37-year-old Krauss — perhaps wanting to remind the audience that Plant’s rock star hadn’t entirely matured — said there’s “never a dull moment” with the 60-year-old singer. “I’m bewildered,” said Plant. “In the old days we would have called this selling out, but I think it’s a good way to spend a Sunday.”

But while Robert Plant and Alison Krauss must be thrilled at the new shot of publicity that their Grammy wins will have granted them, Page’s bandmates in Led Zeppelin are probably less happy about it. They’ve all spent the last year trying to convince Robert Plant to take Led Zeppelin on a lucrative world tour, but his commitments to his Krauss collaboration have stopped that from happening.

And now this is probably going to harden Robert Plant’s mind against the reunion even further. To think, he’d prefer to spend his days travelling around with a pretty and (comparatively) younger woman rather than standing on a cold stage shouting songs about goblins next to a man who looks like Jamie Oliver’s grandmother night after night? Wonders will never crease.

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Some of the nominations for next year’s Grammys have been announced, and British names like Robert Plant, Adele, Duffy, MIA and Radiohead are all over them. Now we’re not saying that this is because 2008 was a bad year for music, but Coldplay did get seven nominations, so we suppose in retrospect we are a bit.

And this is just the start – next year the rest of the Grammy nominations are announced, including Best Native American Music Album. Come on Coldplay! Make it eight!

You don’t need to be told that winning a Grammy is a sure sign that you’ve made it in the music industry, a sign up there alongside being chased through Japan by screaming schoolgirls and being forced to orally pleasure a sweaty middle-aged record executive for a contract.

So the Grammy nominations are a big deal. And when we say big, we mean big – so big that the actual task of even reading out all the nominees for all 110 categories has to be split up over two calender years because listening to them all in one go would probably inspire some kind of Jonestown-style mass suicide.

That’s why, yesterday, the Grammy nominations were announced, but only for the handful of categories that anyone actually cares about. And, although Lil’ Wayne led the pack with eight nominations and Jay-Z, Kanye West and Ne-Yo all managed to get six nods each, the list was surprisingly Brit-heavy.

Coldplay managed to score seven Grammy nominations, Radiohead got five, while Robert Plant was recognised for his album with Alison Krauss and comparatively new girls like Duffy, Leona Lewis, Adele and MIA all got nods too. But why so many British artists? Reuters thinks it knows why:

“They’re doing great work,” said producer Jimmy Jam, a top Grammy official. He suggested this year’s crop of British newcomers benefited from a “trickle down” from the likes of trouble-prone London neo-soul singer Amy Winehouse, who won the record, song and best new artist Grammys this year.

He’s right. After her slightly unbelievable Grammy wins last year, Amy Winehouse is still big news – but because she’s too busy trying to complete her transformation into Feeble Mumm-Ra at the moment, she’s not eligible for any awards.

In fact, it’s not hard to see that the British acts that were nominated for Grammys yesterday were only chosen because together they make a kind of composite Amy Winehouse – Leona Lewis has the broad appeal of Amy, Adele has the voice, Duffy has the vintage sound, MIA shares Amy’s love of multiculturalism, Radiohead have Amy Winehouse’s funny-looking eyes and Robert Plant has her genuinely awful hair. And what do Coldplay share with Amy Winehouse? The fact that if we hear either of their names spoken again today we’re going to hurl ourselves out of the arseing window.

But let’s not get too excited, Britain – these are just the Grammy nominations. Nobody’s guaranteed to win anything. Fingers crossed that Coldplay pick up a couple of trophies at least, though – because if their next album is going to be the ‘boo hoo Gwyneth Paltrow left me‘ album that everyone’s expecting, they probably shouldn’t worry about saving any more shelf-space.

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And Led Zeppelin listen to their fans, which is why – at long last – the Led Zeppelin world tour has finally been announced. Imagine that – Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, John Paul Jones and John Bonham, all together again at last to smash through their hits for millions of fans around the planet. Except for John Bonham and Robert Plant, anyway – one’s dead and one can’t really be bothered.

But nevertheless, the two other members of Led Zeppelin are going on tour anyway, and they’re hiring a stand-in singer to take Robert Plant’s place. By our calculations, this means that in terms of quality the Plantless Led Zeppelin tour will fall somewhere between their Live Aid set with Phil Collins and that weird Olympic thing that Jimmy Page did with Leona Lewis. Talk about a win-win!

Probably the band we have the most respect for in the entire world is Queen. A little thing like their iconic lead singer dying of AIDS didn’t stop them from being able to make money – they just hired a new singer and toured a slightly ropey karaoke-style version of their greatest hits around, even though nobody alive could be expected to enjoy it. Genius.

However, Queen might be about to be usurped from their thrones, because Led Zeppelin have decided to go one better. Ever since they reformed last December at the O2, there’s been an inter-band struggle between Robert Plant; who thought the reunion should be a one-off – and the rest of the band; who want to tour their arses off, record a new album and generally earn enough money to keep them in fanny-sized mudsharks until the day they pop their clogs.

With the band at such a crucial impasse, someone had to make a tough decision. Does Led Zeppelin keep its dignity and refuse to tour unless everyone is involved, or does it sell out, hire a random shitcake stand-in singer and rake in the cash hoping nobody notices?

Oh. The second one. NME reports:

Led Zeppelin will tour with a replacement for founding singer Robert Plant, bassist John Paul Jones has confirmed… Jones has now told BBC Radio Devon that the band are trying out “a couple” of alternative singers for a proposed tour. “We want to do it,” he explained. “It’s sounding great and we want to get on and get out there.”

Apparently one of the replacement singers that Led Zeppelin are trying out is Myles Kennedy, a man who may as well be that turd out of Nickelback from what we’ve been able to work out.

Maybe Led Zeppelin will stick to one replacement singer, or maybe they’ll work on a rotation scheme like Have I Got News For You. Let’s hope it’s the latter, because if there’s anyone who we’d like to hear roar through Communication Breakdown it’s these guys.

But the main question is, if Led Zeppelin are really going to go through with these plans to tour without Robert Plant, can they really still call themselves Led Zeppelin? We don’t think so, and so we’ve drawn up a shortlist of five potential new names for the band to choose from:

1 – Not Zeppelin

2 – Half Of Led Zeppelin, The Dead Bloke’s Son And Someone Who May As Well Be That Turd Out Of Nickelback From What We’ve Been Able To Work Out

3 – Velvet Revolver

Take your pick, chaps.

Yesterday, we looked at the first half of nominees, including the wonky-dancing Estelle and the brilliantly bonkers British Sea Power. With another six albums to pick from, we’re glad that the job hasn’t been given to us to pick a winner. We’d just get in a flap and end up throwing a dart at the various records. That is how the Pope is picked isn’t it? Anyways, here are the rest of the nominations for this year’s prize…

Neon Neon – Stainless Style – Featuring the producer Boom Bip and Gruff Rhys, who is one of the members of the Super Furry Animals. The music’s concept revolves around the playboy designer John DeLorean. Yes that’s right, as in the DeLorean car in the Back To The Future movies. Ace, eh?

Portico Quartet - Knee Deep In The North Sea – When people say jazz isn’t popular, you can at least say one album has some respect. Their raw sound has seen this fourpiece busk around their home city of London which can involve churches. What Jesus what make of this isn’t known. But we assume he’d crack out a saxophone and jam with them.

Rachel Unthank and the Winterset – The Bairns – Natives of Northumberland, they have created a subtle blend of folk which warms the cockles of most music reviewers. Despite many not knowing of them too much, there could be an outside chance of them winning if the bigger artists fail to capture the attention of the judges.

Radiohead – In Rainbows – Last year, Radiohead shat all over the music industry by letting fans buy their album at any price they felt. Once we got over that and listened, Thom and co returned with another album combining the weirdness of Kid A with their fortune finding album OK Computer. This year’s big entry who won’t win for this reason.

Robert Plant & Alison Krauss – Raising Sand – You know the guy from Led Zeppelin? Well it’s not quite a solo album, but he has departed from the rest of his OAP rockers. This is his side project whilst he debates whether or not to reform Led Zep. A country-sounding album with Alison Krauss caught many offguard, but the variation in style made shows he can hack different genres and make sure people know another country record apart from anything Johnny Cash released.

The Last Shadow Puppets - The Age of the Understatement – Another year, another Arctic Monkey connection to the awards. It could have been an hour-long record with Alex Turner being recorded on the bog and it’d still get nominated. Based on his connections to Sheffield’s finest and Miles Kane – singer from The Rascals, fans literally lapped it up before listening. Not a straightforward listen, but instead a development in the writing ability of the two.

We mentioned yesterday that we think Burial will win the Mercury Music Prize. This hasn’t changed since yesterday, but tomorrow we’ll probably be writing to celebrate the success of someone else. Bah.

Better still, they want that album to feature the guitarist, the bassist and the dead drummer’s son with no singer in sight, right? Because nothing rocks harder than an album of instrumentals containing lengthy bass solos as performed by some painfully old men. Right?

Good, because that seems to be what Led Zeppelin are cooking up. It must be true, because the dead drummer’s son said so.

When Led Zeppelin reformed at the O2 stadium last year, some people got a little bit excited. It was just like the old days, they said, except that the member of the band seemed to be aging faster than the Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. It was like The Beatles reforming, they said, but only if someone had shot Ringo instead of John Lennon.

Following their show, Led Zeppelin could have toured the world a hundred times over and got rich enough to shove ten mudsharks up the fannies of every woman on the planet. But it wasn’t to be, because Robert Plant wanted to tour his fiddle-di-dee country album instead.

Maybe Led Leppelin will go on tour at some point, but don’t worry because Jimmy Page apparently has a two-part interim plan that goes as follows:

1) Introduce the British Olympics to the world by playing Whole Lotta Love with a girl off a talent show while pulling a face that makes it look as you’re being sucked off by a giant snail.

2) Record a new Led Zeppelin album.

Since part one has already been dealt with – and by the way, great job Jimmy, you really pulled off the facial expression part perfectly – that just leaves part two. Which is really happening. Or might be happening. Look, it probably isn’t happening, but don’t tell Jason Bonham because it looks as though he’s got his heart set on it. According to BBC News:

Led Zeppelin musicians Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones and Jason Bonham have been working on new material. Drummer Bonham told a radio station in Detroit that the songs could be destined for a new Led Zeppelin album. But lead singer Robert Plant has not been involved in any of the sessions, he added… “When I get there [in the studio] I never ask any questions. If I get a phone call to go and play, I enjoy every moment of it.”

Great, so there might be a new Led Zeppelin album coming out, but there probably won’t be and even if there is it won’t have Robert Plant wailing about Mordor all over it. That sounds excellent. No, really.

But listen. If this album is really happening, it’s incredibly important that you get Robert Plant back in the fold. Because otherwise you’ll have to find another singer to take his place. And you know who’s interested? Paolo Nutini.

No, we didn’t think you’d want that either.

That's because Jimmy Page has personally assured the public that Led Zeppelin will definitely tour the world really soon. The whole world. All of it. Even crap countries like Denmark.

And by that we mean that Jimmy Page has mumbled a couple of noncommittal words about Led Zeppelin eventually going on some sort of tour, but not for ages and actually he's not even going to think about it for six months anyway, but that's pretty much the same thing.

Just like people ask "Where were you when JFK was shot?" and "Where were you when Diana died?" people are now asking "Where were you when that old band from the 1970s got back together and played a bunch of really self-indulgent songs about wizards and runes and cobblers like that?" because that's how momentous the Led Zeppelin comeback was.

Even though it was for a few fleeting hours in December, the Led Zeppelin reunion concert had a profound effect on everyone – all the music reviewers in the world had to dig out their big book of ridiculously-overblown metaphors and even little Paolo Nutini wanted to join in, even though it's obvious to all that he'll never be much more than a soggy-knickered spatula.

And, although it was just a one-off show, the fans around the world who weren't able to get tickets for the O2 show all hoped that it'd kickstart a desire within Led Zeppelin to take the show on the road. That was dashed when Robert Plant said he'd prefer to do his fiddle-di-dee solo stuff in the world's greatest barns, and everyone went back to being resigned to a lifetime of watching a taped VHS of Led Zeppelin at Live Aid with a scrunched-up face.

But no! Because Led Zeppelin really are going to go on tour again! All around the world! Probably! Subject to approval from the band members in a meeting that isn't even going to happen until August anyway! The Telegraph reports:

Speaking to promote the band’s Mothership Greatest Hits album in Japan, [Jimmy Page] said: “We did the show and it was great. It was exhilarating, fantastic, every week was a week to look forward to. I can assure you the amount of work that we put into the O2, for ourselves rehearsing and the staging of it, was probably what you put into a world tour.” Chris Goodman, from The Outside Organisation, who look after the band’s PR, said: “Jimmy has said that the band will be meeting up in August to talk about it. “The band meet all the time. There is something in it but I can’t give you any more news at the moment.”

So it's all, um, perfectly… wait a minute, Jimmy Page said the words 'world tour' but not actually in relation to a Led Zeppelin world tour at all. That's a bit rubbish.

Of course, much of the problem in Jimmy Page rushing off and formally announcing a Led Zeppelin reunion lies with Robert Plant, who's thought to be reluctant to go out and sing the same songs over and over again night after night, especially when he's got a folky country album to promote.

But demand is so high for there to be a Led Zeppelin world tour that the band could change whatever they wanted and it'd still all sell out in the blink of an eye, so the financial projections for the proposed tour must be huge. And if there's anything that'll win Robert Plant round to touring, it's the promise that ticket sales will be able to buy him that solid gold one-stringed banjo he's always wanted.

Read more:

Led Zeppelin 'considering world tour' – Telegraph 

Such was the anticipation of Led Zeppelin's comeback that they could have just dicked around on a massive piano like Tom Hanks in Big and broadsheet music reviewers would have jizzed themselves silly, but the chances of Led Zeppelin taking the show on the road have been ruined thanks to Robert Plant suddenly announcing a tour next year with Alison Krauss. But Zeppelin fans shouldn't get too downhearted – to make up for it, The Cheeky Girls have decided to go on a Led Zeppelin-themed world stadium tour where they'll perform hits like Ramble On (Touch My Bum), Dazed And Confused (Touch My Bum) and, of course, a largely-improvised 45-minute version of How Many More Times (Touch My Bum).

You might not have realised this, but a band called Led Zeppelin played some sort of concert this week. It was a fairly low-key affair, and coverage was only limited to every newspaper, magazine, website, TV show, radio programme and human thought in the world, with a ticket application process that was capped somewhere in the low trillions.

The reviews for Monday's concert were uniformly ecstatic, and it doesn't take a genius to realise that if Led Zeppelin were to follow it up with a world tour, they'd be able to charge whatever ticket prices they wanted and people would pay just so they could say that they've see them, even though they'd just be spending their money to watch a bunch of old men screech about orcs.

And prospects for the tour were looking good – Led Zeppelin had even picked out a support act for the tour , even if it was The Cult - but suddenly they've run into a wall. Because instead of circling the world in a luxury private jet ramming different species of marine wildlife up various girls' vaginas, Led Zeppelin singer Robert Plant has decided that he'd rather tour the fiddle-de-dee album he's made with Alison Krauss instead.

That's not a bad thing – some of the album sounds thrillingly like a mix between Viva Voce and Brightblack Morning Light – but Robert Plant's decision has probably cost the rest of Led Zeppelin millions of pounds each, which will at least give Jimmy Page more reason to get all stroppy with websites that sell his merchandise without his permission. 

However, that might not be it entirely for Led Zeppelin – rumours are abound that the band will reform again and again, for shows at Glastonbury and Madison Square Garden and the like. But those Led Zeppelin shows will be equally hard to get tickets for, leaving many of the band's fans unable to see them yet again.

Not that there isn't a workaround, though – and we recommend that unlucky Led Zeppelin fans just smash a nail through the foot of the nearest old man they can find, the effect of which will partially replicate the band's vocals, at least. 

Read more:

Zep tour dream dashed – Mirror