Articles tagged with: Robert Pattinson
Stephen King Hates Twilight As Much As You Do! Hooray!
Stephen King and Twilight author Stephenie Meyer have got two gigantic thing in common. Number one: their books get turned into awful, awful films. Number two, both Stephen King and Stephenie Meyer write books for 14-year-olds. True, Stephen King writes books for 14-year-old boys who smell of BO and secretly want to machinegun their school, while Stephenie Meyer writes books for 14-year-old girls who can't spell and wet themselves every time they think of Robert Pattinson. But it's true. So you'd think that Stephen King and Stephenie Meyer would get along, wouldn't you? Wrong - Stephen King hates Stephenie Meyer rotten.
Stephen King and Twilight author Stephenie Meyer have got two gigantic thing in common. Number one: their books get turned into awful, awful films. Number two, both Stephen King and Stephenie Meyer write books for 14-year-olds. True, Stephen King writes books for 14-year-old boys who smell of BO and secretly want to machinegun their school, while Stephenie Meyer writes books for 14-year-old girls who can't spell and wet themselves every time they think of Robert Pattinson. But it's true. So you'd think that Stephen King and Stephenie Meyer would get along, wouldn't you? Wrong - Stephen King hates Stephenie Meyer rotten.
Dakota Fanning Much More Excited About Twilight 2 Than You Are
The headline's comparative - if you're 14 years old, that means Dakota Fanning is really excited about Twilight 2. But if you're not then Dakota Fanning could completely ignore Twilight 2 and she'd still be more excited than you. Because, as a normal person with a normal person's idea of the difference between good and terrible, you couldn't be less excited about Twilight 2 if it came with a written confirmation that the final scene would involve Robert Pattinson being kicked in the testicles by a furious mule. Anyway, Dakota Fanning is more excited than that. Because she's almost definitely going to be in Twilight 2 now.
The headline's comparative - if you're 14 years old, that means Dakota Fanning is really excited about Twilight 2. But if you're not then Dakota Fanning could completely ignore Twilight 2 and she'd still be more excited than you. Because, as a normal person with a normal person's idea of the difference between good and terrible, you couldn't be less excited about Twilight 2 if it came with a written confirmation that the final scene would involve Robert Pattinson being kicked in the testicles by a furious mule. Anyway, Dakota Fanning is more excited than that. Because she's almost definitely going to be in Twilight 2 now.
Dakota Fanning To Make Twilight 2 Genuinely Creepy?
As popular as Twilight was, it didn't really fill anyone's quotient of spooked-out kids who put the willies up everyone. Teenagers with comically bad haircuts, yes. But Twilight just didn't have as many freakishly intense, frighteningly composed big-eyed children who look like they crawl out and eat your thoughts at night as we expected. But that doesn't matter, because Dakota Fanning could be in Twilight 2 and she's exactly that. According to reports, Dakota Fanning will play Jane in New Moon, a vampire who 'creates illusions of pain'. We've seen Hide And Seek, so we know she's great at that already.
As popular as Twilight was, it didn't really fill anyone's quotient of spooked-out kids who put the willies up everyone. Teenagers with comically bad haircuts, yes. But Twilight just didn't have as many freakishly intense, frighteningly composed big-eyed children who look like they crawl out and eat your thoughts at night as we expected. But that doesn't matter, because Dakota Fanning could be in Twilight 2 and she's exactly that. According to reports, Dakota Fanning will play Jane in New Moon, a vampire who 'creates illusions of pain'. We've seen Hide And Seek, so we know she's great at that already.
Courtney Love Plays Mad-Eyed Cupid For Robert Pattinson
Robert Pattinson, as the whole world already knows, is the dreamiest plank of balsa wood on the planet. But this dreaminess comes at a cost. Everywhere Robert Pattinson turns, he's confronted by a wall of screaming, knicker-wetting teenage girls in too much eyeliner who appear to think he's a cross between Jesus and The Beatles, rather than the personality-free stupid-haired toff that he actually is. Or, worse still, Robert Pattinson has to put up with mothers constantly trying to set him up with their daughters. Slightly deranged-looking mothers. Who look like they probably smell a bit. Courtney Love, basically.
Robert Pattinson, as the whole world already knows, is the dreamiest plank of balsa wood on the planet. But this dreaminess comes at a cost. Everywhere Robert Pattinson turns, he's confronted by a wall of screaming, knicker-wetting teenage girls in too much eyeliner who appear to think he's a cross between Jesus and The Beatles, rather than the personality-free stupid-haired toff that he actually is. Or, worse still, Robert Pattinson has to put up with mothers constantly trying to set him up with their daughters. Slightly deranged-looking mothers. Who look like they probably smell a bit. Courtney Love, basically.
Sorry Kids, Vanessa Hudgens Won’t Be In Twilight 2
Vanessa Hudgens is so multi-talented - she can sing, she can dance, she can pose naked on the internet. And, um, that's about it. But, sadly, the Twilight sequel doesn't require any of these talents, so Vanessa Hudgens won't star in it any more. Vanessa Hudgens has denied rumours that she auditioned for the role of Sexy Naked Lady Werewolf 4 in Twilight 2. Twilight fans will be thrilled - they never wanted an embarrassingly cheesy tween star like Vanessa in their movie to begin with. No, Twilight is all about embarrassingly faux-rebellious tween stars. And silly-haired pipecleaners. And that's how it'll stay, damnit!
Vanessa Hudgens is so multi-talented - she can sing, she can dance, she can pose naked on the internet. And, um, that's about it. But, sadly, the Twilight sequel doesn't require any of these talents, so Vanessa Hudgens won't star in it any more. Vanessa Hudgens has denied rumours that she auditioned for the role of Sexy Naked Lady Werewolf 4 in Twilight 2. Twilight fans will be thrilled - they never wanted an embarrassingly cheesy tween star like Vanessa in their movie to begin with. No, Twilight is all about embarrassingly faux-rebellious tween stars. And silly-haired pipecleaners. And that's how it'll stay, damnit!
Hooray! Taylor Lautner Stays As New Moon’s Weedy Werewolf!
Irrational teenage girls, here's a lesson - you can get anything you want in life with a healthy dose of screaming obnoxiousness. It certainly worked with Taylor Lautner and New Moon. After being told that he was too much of a scrawny little runt to continue playing werewolf Jacob Black in the Twilight sequel, a wave of berserk quasi-emo outrage from Taylor's female teenage fanbase has kept him the job. True, this means that Robert Pattinson will be replaced by a plank of wood with a merkin on its head for New Moon instead, but don't pretend you'll notice the difference.
Irrational teenage girls, here's a lesson - you can get anything you want in life with a healthy dose of screaming obnoxiousness. It certainly worked with Taylor Lautner and New Moon. After being told that he was too much of a scrawny little runt to continue playing werewolf Jacob Black in the Twilight sequel, a wave of berserk quasi-emo outrage from Taylor's female teenage fanbase has kept him the job. True, this means that Robert Pattinson will be replaced by a plank of wood with a merkin on its head for New Moon instead, but don't pretend you'll notice the difference.
Robert Pattinson Gets A Haircut, Planet Earth Sheds A Lonely Tear
What's the best thing about Robert Pattinson? His intense lack of charisma? The way his speaking voice is the perfect auditory representation of carbon monoxide suffocation? No! It's his hair. As all shrieking teenage girls know, Robert Pattinson has the world's dreamiest hair - it's all tousled and unkempt and probably home to millions of undiscovered species of rodent. So if Robert Pattinson ever had a haircut, we'd probably kill ourselves. Which is a bummer, because Robert Pattinson has had a haircut. Actually, forget killing ourselves; it's time for plan B - find the hair. WE MUST EAT ROBERT PATTINSON'S DREAMY HAIR!
What's the best thing about Robert Pattinson? His intense lack of charisma? The way his speaking voice is the perfect auditory representation of carbon monoxide suffocation? No! It's his hair. As all shrieking teenage girls know, Robert Pattinson has the world's dreamiest hair - it's all tousled and unkempt and probably home to millions of undiscovered species of rodent. So if Robert Pattinson ever had a haircut, we'd probably kill ourselves. Which is a bummer, because Robert Pattinson has had a haircut. Actually, forget killing ourselves; it's time for plan B - find the hair. WE MUST EAT ROBERT PATTINSON'S DREAMY HAIR!
Twilight 2: Probably Directed By A Crazed Robert Pattinson Fan Now
Twilight is well-known for three things: 1) it's popular, 2) it's rubbish and 3) ooh Robert Pattinson! He's so dreamy! The first one of these is undoubtedly a good thing, and the third one at least distracts from the nagging sensation that Robert Pattinson is basically an even-less charismatic Orlando Bloom with better hair, but the second one? That could well be a problem. So, to try and make Twilight 2 less rubbish, it's been announced that Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke has been bumped out of the way to let someone else have a bash at the sequel. Which is, um, news. We think.
Twilight is well-known for three things: 1) it's popular, 2) it's rubbish and 3) ooh Robert Pattinson! He's so dreamy! The first one of these is undoubtedly a good thing, and the third one at least distracts from the nagging sensation that Robert Pattinson is basically an even-less charismatic Orlando Bloom with better hair, but the second one? That could well be a problem. So, to try and make Twilight 2 less rubbish, it's been announced that Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke has been bumped out of the way to let someone else have a bash at the sequel. Which is, um, news. We think.
