Posts tagged as:

Robert Pattinson

Twilight Hand Model Wants Her Chance To Shine

by Kris Silver

Twilight fans, otherwise known as Twihards or obese pre-pubescent girls who need to go outside once in a while, are a notoriously crazy bunch. But one woman is determined to out crazy all of them by claiming she has some sort of right to be famous due to some arbitrary link with the series. Hand [...]

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Robert Pattinson Starts Music Career But Gets Drunk First In Order To Gain Some Kind Of Personality

by Mof Gimmers

There isn’t much about Robert Pattinson is there? If he wasn’t in some vaguely successful films about vampires who are ashamed of their own erections, then you’d probably hang a coat off him and think no more of it. In a bid to get some personality, Pattinson has decided to do two things. Apparently, the [...]

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Twilight: Emma Watson Wants Robert Pattinson To Bog Off

by Stuart Heritage

Twilight and Harry Potter are basically the same – both are supernatural books for children and stupid adults. But there are differences. In Harry Potter, it’s basically taken as granted that all the characters are timid virgins – except for Dumbledore, of course, who spends most of his free time engaged in all sorts of [...]

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Kristen Stewart’s Vagina Makes Robert Pattinson Jealous

by Stuart Heritage

How to make Robert Pattinson jealous: 1) Have more than one facial expression. 2) Be able to brush your own hair. 3) Wash yourself proficiently. 4) Have a bucketload of red-hot simulated sex with Kristen Stewart. All of these are completely true but, for the purposes of this story, the last one is the most [...]

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An Elephant Tries To Do The Right Thing By Crushing Robert Pattinson

by Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson is a crashing bore isn’t he? There’s so little about him that, should you see him at a party, you might be tempted to hang your coat on him. Even then, your coat would become so bored of hanging on such a useless lump that it would throw itself to the ground in [...]

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Robert Pattinson Bitten By Kristen Stewart’s Lion. Probably.

by Ralph Sanders

It hasn’t taken long for the backlash to start, has it? It only seems like yesterday that Robert Pattinson didn’t want to settle down with Kristen Stewart, instead revealing that he wanted to plunge his tepid penis into whatever narrow gap he could find (and your mum). Now as retaliation it looks like she’s set [...]

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Robert Pattinson In Name-Calling War With Courtney Love

by Amy Grindhouse

Robert Pattinson, we’ll have you know, is not besties with Courtney Love. This is news to us, and is something that was only confirmed in a weekend interview that Robert gave to The Daily Mirror. Wait. What’s that? The two haven’t liked each other since Courtney said that glittery Robert wasn’t worthy to have licked [...]

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Good News! Robert Pattinson Will Almost Certainly Sleep With You!

by Ralph Sanders

Hang on a minute, that’s not good news at all, is it? Who’d want to sleep with Robert Pattinson? You might as well do the nasty with a savagely whittled shop dummy with an unwashed birds nest pritt-sticked on top. One that you found under all the burst bin bags in the alley at the [...]

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Robert Pattinson Is ACTUALLY A VAMPIRE, Science Confirms

by Robyn Wilder

Science. Isn’t it a marvel? Without it there’d be no internet, which means we’d all probably have horrid, tanned, athletic bodies and nasty, well-rounded psyches unburdened by celebrity minutiae. Without science we wouldn’t have photographs of that face on Mars that isn’t a face, or that Large Hadron Collider thingo that was meant to punch [...]

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Robert Pattinson Wonders What This Whole Twilight Thing Is About Anyway

by Robyn Wilder

Suddenly we’re feeling a kinship towards Robert Pattinson. Yes, in the past we may have been irritated by his hair and face and ubiquity and the way his American accent makes him twalk a bwit like a robot Christopher Walken – but now he’s said that he doesn’t understand the Twilight saga, we’re all “Hey [...]

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