Robert Pattinson has got it all. He’s got incredible fame. He’s got wealth. He’s got moviestar good looks.
He’s got a stinky arse. He’s got armpit odour that could blind a nun from 30 paces. He’s got breath that could dissolve concrete. He’s got feet that could be isolated and used as a spitefully powerful weaponised pathogen. He has. No, really, he has. Robert Pattinson has admitted to a magazine that he essentially smells like a dirty protest in a curry house.
Um, Robert Pattinson? We think you’ll find that slagging you off is our job, not yours. Would you like it if we starred in a number of crappy films about sparkly bad-haired effeminate vampires? No. No you wouldn’t. So stop it.
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Believe what you read and you’ll know that Robert Pattinson smells like a sweaty tramp’s dirty rectum – fact.
And that’s made Robert Pattinson mad. Because, as everyone knows, the only things that Robert Pattinson smells of are moonbeams, fairydust and an unidentified chemical agent that makes teenage girls and lonely adult women urinate on sight. Seriously, Robert Pattinson is so upset with rumours of his chronic BO that he’s actually gone public to tell everyone that he does shower sometimes, actually.
So just to clear that up, Robert Pattinson doesn’t stink. He just looks like he stinks. Big difference.
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Robert Pattinson’s hair is one of the great mysteries of the age – how does he get it so unkempt and dirty-looking?
Mystery solved. If you want your hair to look as bedraggled as Robert Pattinson’s, the secret formula is dirt. And encrusted sweat. And probably bloody fleas or something. The point is, Robert Pattinson never washes and smells like death.
That’s not idle slander – a source from the New Moon set said so. Robert Pattinson stinks like a diarrhetic tramp in a house of animal corpses, and he still gets more girls than you. How rubbish does that make you?
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