There’s a good chance that Kristen Stewart is the most envied girl on the face of the planet right now.
Why? Just look at her. She doesn’t just get to kiss Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner all day long, but she actually gets paid to do it. No wonder Kristen Stewart recently topped an imaginary poll of stars who teenage girls would most like to secretly kill in order to dance around in a nightmarish suit made out of their skin.
And how does Kristen Stewart react to all this scrutiny of her private life? By telling the entire world to jolly well eff off, obviously.
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New Moon will be released soon – so soon, in fact, that we can almost smell the mixture of black nail polish and teenage urine from here.
But there’s trouble on the horizon. According to magazine reports this week, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have dramatically fallen in love and their relationship is threatening to pull the success of New Moon apart. Wait, did we say ‘threatening to pull New Moon apart’? Because we meant ‘coming off like a cynical marketing stunt designed exclusively to make millions of useless teenage girls become even more unbearably excited about New Moon‘.
Our mistake.
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The onscreen chemistry between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is what makes Twilight so popular.
Actually, that’s a fib. Sorry. Cynical marketing aimed at a notoriously stupid demographic is what makes Twilight so popular – Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have the onscreen chemistry of two learning-disabled second-hand toilet brushes after an extensive series of amateur lobotomies. But, hey, that’s just onscreen – offscreen Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are totally doing it.
Probably. They went to a Kings Of Leon concert on Saturday and were photographed having what appears to be a little snog, anyway. Romantic. And sort of off-puttingly grubby.
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Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have something of a ‘will they, won’t they?’ relationship. That much is clear to see.
By which we obviously mean ‘will they or won’t they find any form of meaningful acting work once they’ve finished starring in those terrible Twilight films?’ To which the answer, in all honesty, is ‘probably not, no’. But until we can find a definitive answer to that, let’s just arbitrarily speculate on whether or not Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are doing it with each other.
They both ate dinner alone together on Sunday, you know. Which definitely proves, um, something.
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