Stargate used to be a franchise that was labelled alongside other sci-fi dross such as Farscape and Babylon 5.

The type of indecipherable nonsense that appealed to closet masturbators and those guys who sit in the dark writing fan fiction. Well, that all changed recently, with Stargate Universe revitalising the franchise and propelling back into your cranium with a quality cast and a new edge to proceedings. It’s all helped no less by Begbie himself, Robert Carlyle, who has swapped glassing people for exploring both time and space.

With the first series hitting those newfangled technological marvels that are DVD and Blu-ray from Monday July 5, we’re bringing and exclusive clip of people yapping about the show. What more could you possibly want? Blood?

Sometimes you really have to ask what the hell is going on?

First, hit show 24 becomes ‘26’. Then it casts Jon Voight as a terrorist. The 69-year-old Oscar-winning actor was recently signed on to be Jack Bauer’s nemesis for the upcoming seventh series.

After the shambles of the sixth series, 24 have pulled out the chequebook in an attempt to win back falling viewing figures.

But don’t you think casting Angelina Jolie’s frail father as the super villain is going a little too far – even by 24’s ridiculous standards.

Now, we know they have used Hollywood A-listers before. But at least Dennis Hopper is a nutter. He is not the kind of guy you want to piss about with, while Jon Voight is the kind of kindly gentleman you buy sweets from at the local cornershop.

Just think about it: Jon Voight, a terrorist? Doesn’t quite fit, does it? I mean, what is Hollywood playing at?

They have spent years building up a handy photo-fit of what a terrorist looks like, just so we can point them out in the street – and then they pull a stunt like this.

They are just messing with our minds. Next they’ll be saying he’s American, doesn’t have an AK47 and doesn’t wear a turban.

Don’t get us wrong, we like Jon Voight. Like many boys and girls, we bawled our eyes out to the end of The Champ, even if the kid was really annoying in it.

But is he really a credible threat to Jack Bauer? What’s he going to do? Cough on him? Bore him to death talking about the 60s?

Anyway, Jon Voight will be introduced during 24’s two-hour Season 7 prequel alongside Robert Carlyle due to be aired in November 23.

He will also feature heavily in the latter part of the series, which is expected to start at the beginning of next year. Not really a shock, seeing though he is the bad guy.

Voight said:

“I am thrilled and excited about being invited to be part of my favourite show 24. I’m hoping to bring my very best to it.”

First of all, glad he’s bringing his best to it. There was us thinking he would just turn up to go through the motions.

Secondly, two-hour sequel!? Are we the only ones annoyed by this? The whole premise of 24 is that it’s set in 24 hours – not 26!!!

I know the sixth series was a bag of shit, but that is no reason to throw the whole format away.

The world truly is a scarier place these days.

Good news, people: the world’s second biggest twat, otherwise known as Jonathan Edward Borrell, is to be murdered.

OK, OK, yeahyeahyeah, it’s only going to happen in a movie, but sometimes life imitates art, right? Right? Right. We can but hope. Our fingers remain firmly crossed.

Borrell is to star in the new film by Antonia Bird and Irvine Welsh, named The Meat Trade, and will be killed by two grave robbers, played by Robert Carlyle and Colin Firth. Jonathan Edward told the Daily Star:

"It's going to be so much fun. I love horror and I'm a really big fan of Irvine Welsh's work. I loved Trainspotting."

Oh, it’s horror! There should be lots of blood then. Let’s hope Antonia and Irvine get twat number one, Bono, involved. And Keane. And The Feeling. Oh, please The Feeling. And why not stab Luke Pritchard of The Kooks in the mouth with a rusty screwdriver while you’re at it? Why not?

The film is about two body snatchers snatching bodies in Edinburgh and should be released sometime next year. Hecklerspray waits with baited breath. But how will Borrell die, Irvine?

Hecklerspray likes to think Carlyle and Firth will recruit sometime actor Bob Dylan to do this excellent deed. On the release of his band’s debut, Up All Night, Borrell spouted some awful shit out of his mouth-arsehole which decided it was better than Dylan’s first album proper. Get your own back, Bob. But do it for real like Brandon Lee. Come on. Be a sport.

Or, if Bob can’t be reached for some reason, why not contact Morrissey? Borrell did “feel sorry” for Moz when he somehow didn’t manage to draw as big a crowd at V Festival a few years back. People really are stupid.

You are now officially 87% stupider if you voluntarily listen to Johnny Borrell’s arsehole gibberings with feelings of enjoyment. Really. They’ve done tests and everything. We don’t know who “they” are but we’re sure these tests have been done. Kind of.

Too harsh? Not harsh enough we say.

Release Mark Chapman already.

Read more:

Johnny Borrell To Be Murdered In New Movie – AngryApe