Take That’s Prodigal Son and Stoke’s most irritating son Robbie Williams has been waking up in the night covered in a liquid that isn’t his own urine according to The Daily Star. In an interview with Britain’s least believable paper, Williams prophesied that he might be a target for terrorists because he’s so completely important.

The egotist, who recently returned to the warming, Northern embrace of his former Take That, has been  having trouble sleeping recently and instead of taking a Night Nurse and keeping his massive flapping trap shut, he decided to give an “exclusive” to a woeful Red Top.

Luckily, he’s been having dreams that even Joseph & His Technicolour Fraud Coat wouldn’t have any trouble analysing.

Poor ol’ Robbie says that he can’t remember the last time he had bad dreams. We’re not experts on the Rapid Eye Movement of celebrities but we’d hazard that his last bout of nightmares was what prompted him to believe he was Sammy Davis Jr. & release ‘Swing When You’re Winning’. Still, the snivelling little rodent believes he’s part of a different Rat Pack now, one being funnelled into a killing field by a “certain paramilitary group”.

He told some lobotomised hack;

“I had a dream the other night that a sectarian group was trying to kill me. I have not had a nightmare like that for a long time, forever really, but a certain paramilitary group came to kill me.”

A certain paramilitary group. Could have been any of them so hecklerspray used our underground network of contacts to find out if any terrorist organisations were employing dream assassins. Yes, dream assassins. Haven’t you seen Inception? Of the sixteen worldwide paramilitary groups we contacted, fifteen asked us who Robbie Williams was while a representative of “The Real IRA” said;

“Fuck off, we have better things to do.”

Ayda Field’s husband (that’s Robbie, apparently) needed the reassuring sight of a relative to remind him that he was very much alive and still an incredibly rich man;

“I suddenly woke up and saw my brother-in-law Rich from Stoke-on-Trent at the bottom of my stairs at my home in LA and knew everything was all right.”

The paramilitary group responsible for this attack will have to step up its efforts if it wants to avoid another ‘Rudebox’ incident. Hang on a second, do the NME have a paramilitary wing? We’ll get them on the phone and get back to you*.

Williams has admitted to spells of paranoia in the past and spent a summer holed up in his Los Angeles mansion, before emerging disguised in a gorilla suit and wearing a pair of sunglasses. Suggestions that this may have been due to an over-indulgence in a certain white powder were refuted, despite obviously being true**.

*NME’s lawyers would like us to point out that they are not in the habit of forming paramilitary wings in order to assassinate celebrities who are stealing column inches from The Kaiser Chiefs. Protesting too much?

**Legal Note: Robbie Williams has never even seen cocaine, let alone snorted loads of it to make himself feel like Dean Martin.

Good weekend, was it? Had some enjoyable sandwich fillings and simulated some erogenous zones, did you? Yeah. Yeah. Us neither.

Never mind, because The X Factor was on too, and if that wasn’t amazing enough it was a 2 hour special Judges Houses special as part of a special exclusive double X Factor weekend special. Which is pretty, amazingly special when you think about it.

But, that’s the X Factor for you. Always fulfilling our dreams, always making Pinnochio look lacklustre. So what was in store? As if you didn’t know. As if you didn’t Sky Plus it at your X Factor party with custom made flags. Actually, that sounds like a pretty wild night, you probably do need reminding. All those Pringle cans to clean up and all that psychological torment. We’ll sort you out. Come here. It’ll stop bleeding eventually, we promise.

So, just to quickly sum up – 320,332 people applied for the X Factor and 293,023 people got through to Boot Camp. So that leaves us with approximately the entire population of Austria in the Judges Houses stage of the competition. The world has never seemed smaller. Kelly’s mentoring the girls, Tulisa’s got the groups, Gary’s got the boys, and Louis’ got the terminally ill mentals. All in all, things seem pretty straight forward so far. But Jesus, guys, stop dwelling on the past – that’s how you got into this situation of watching The X Factor and THEN reading an X Factor blog about The X Factor in the first place.

Peter Dickson informed us that the X Factor has gone ‘global’, which is true, because yes – the X Factor has gone to America where it is infinitely going to be more successful, cheers for reminding us Peter. Come to think of it, isn’t Peter Dickson just making an entire mockery of The X Factor in a sort of modernist pastiche kind of way anyway? A man who makes stinking wads of cash by having a stupid voice, whilst ex-contestants do UK Tours of the nations Shakeaways? Blimey. That’s going to take a hell of a lot of Antonioni films to help us fully understand the scope of that one.

Anyway, Tulisa  firmly told her girls that ‘NO ONE IS HERE TO LOOK CUTE’ – cue the camera cutting to a thousand girls wearing braces with accordians sellotaped to their gussets. It was always going to be an emotional. We mean, Gary Barlow’s going to take ‘risks’ for god’s sake. How often does that ever happen? Oh, and Louis is going to cry again.

It was funny the first time, but now it’s just kind of awkward to watch.

All the contestants were so darned excited about being able to go on an actual plane to an actual country, because they’re all poor and starving to death for the sake of their talent. One of the contestants (who we don’t know the name of, because we didn’t want to) actually shared to the camera her fears of ‘not being able to get on the plane’, she’s so emotionally incapacitated by the state of her musical aspirations. Can you imagine THAT much sentiment on one plane? No WONDER Ryanair announced plans to temporarily cut capacity by grounding 80 aircraft in the winter schedules between November 2011 and April 2012 due to the high cost of fuel and continuing weak economic conditions! RIGHT GUYS? Oh, they’re travelling by Virgin Atlantic. Well, there goes all our laughter.

The judges met their new prospective new definitions of music in LA, Barcelona, Miami and Greece, which is lovely for us to watch and lovely for Olly Murs, who’s probably been gagging to check out the Parthenon ever since he watched the Malayalam version of Alexander the Great last year, which we heard he just adored. Meanwhile, Gary Barlow standing on a ledge in LA is the most uncomfortable thing we’ve ever seen.

Firstly, we met with Tulisa and the definitelygoingtowinthisyear group category. Tulisa is ‘so excited to get her hands on the final four’. Christ, our EARS, Tulisa. We can’t all be as sexually experimental and all knowledgable about hip hop and leather like you. Tulisa’s all important celebrity helper is for some reason Jessie J, who has a broken leg, in case you didn’t get the NASA report about that 400 years ago. Jessie apparently used to be in a group, so it’s totally relevant for her to be there and she has a fringe and a Brit award so she must know what she’s on about.

Either way, this is going to be a much better combination of musical minds than that time Dannii Minogue and Natalie Imbruglia were teamed up to see who could sing Damien Rice with the most sincerity.

It kicked off to a flying start with Jessie J informing the groups with every ounce of Morgan Freeman’s prefrontal cortex that the best thing for the groups will be is if ‘they all pull together.’ Oh god, that’s actually really good advice. Imagine if they all sung together at the same time as well. That’d be like some sort of mental thing Sigourney Weaver would have to flame thrower the shit out of, make no mistake. And we’re not the only ones, as one of the members of one of the groups (that’s as accurate as we can get, sorry) sighs that she is ‘literally in awe’ of Jessie, which we can totally relate too because we too thought it was pretty phenomenally staggering that Jessie saved the entire ruptured state of the economy by writing Price Tag. Isn’t it nice when you can relate to people?

Next up was Miami, where we got to pretend that we were hanging out with Kelly Rowland. Kelly’s celebrity guest was Academy Award winning incredibly successful human being Jennifer Hudson. ITV1 do their bit for equality by immediately cutting to Misha, the only black finalist of the category, for her reaction, because black people like to see other black people. True, Jennifer Hudson is quite a good celebrity guest judge, but she still never supported Cyndi Lauper’s 2008 ‘Bring Ya to the Brink’ tour at any point, so overall we’re still not impressed.

Then we joined Louis in Barcelona (oh god, if only) to take a look at the mental old contestants. Louis says that ‘he probably has the most hopeful category of the year’, which is true. Not talented, mind. Just hopeful. Speaking of hope, look! There’s Carolynne from Fame Academy 2, who says she is here to ‘work’. Well, that was very nice of the ITV1 camera crew to film some of the opinions of the bar staff in that case. Moving on from all the mass hilarity, we are introduced to Louis’ celebrity expert… Sinitta.

Okay, you can carry on laughing now. What the hell was she doing there? Has Louis not checked under all of the seats of the Westlife tour bus or something? Nonetheless, Sinitta is there. Being Sinitta, once again. Quite possibly the 2004 British Comedy Award-winning X Factor’s most unfunny inside joke. The tears of joy and LITERAL AND NOT FIGURATIVE AWE of the youngster categories are put into harsh perspective with Louis’ category awkwardly clapping and Terry reasoning that he didn’t expect her to be a bit fit, as if the man wasn’t clutching enough straws in his life already.

Finally, we got to be with Gary and the boys in LA. Gary goes on about the fact he got dropped from his record label once and had to come to LA to ‘find himself’/find anyone on Planet Earth who hadn’t seen this and of course his celebrity friend is Robbie Williams. And yes, he was wearing a comedy palm tree outfit, and yes, he did explain why he was wearing a comedy palm tree outfit, which obviously made it even funnier. God, it was funny when he did that. God, it’s funny when Robbie Williams gets naked, like that time he did it for Comic Relief once and how that was funny also, and also for charity which just made us all feel really great whilst we were laughing too.

Hey, isn’t it weird how Robbie has battled depression and self esteem issues for most of his adult life and probably uses his nude body as a comedic shell to hide from his brutalised view of his inner self? Still though. Palm leaves. LOOL!

For a laugh, the auditionees then began to actually sing for their mentors. Because they’re not on holiday, they’re here to have a horrible time in three quarter length trousers. Here is a rundown of their auditions and just how horribly awkward it really was.

THE GROUPS

The Vesty Divs The Keys – Sang one of the really boring Beyonce songs that nobody gave two hoots about at Glastonbury. You know, the one where she didn’t shake any part of her body. Terrible. And yeah, we know she’s withchild now and that would ultimately be an awful thing to do, but still. Can she really give us bootylicious and then take away said bootylicious? Just like that? Really? Well, maybe we’ll just take away her first born child and make it listen to loads of Tori Amos, see how she likes it. What were we talking about?

The Estrelles – Rubbish name that doesn’t make any sense. If you want to sound ‘exotic’, call yourselves Las Ketchup. Also – bad at singing songs. Obviously, not a major issue – but just thought we’d mention.

We Forgot to Write Down Their Name but Essentially Two Crying People –  Hey there! Did you accidently turn up on The X Factor and sing a Kings of Leon song? Did Jessie J absolutely rip the shit out of you once you were done? Never fear! Next time just paralyze yourself on gin and tonics and rip your clothes off and fall off a table, and all your dignity will come flooding gently back. That’s a hecklerspray promise.

The Lovettes – The Wedon’treallyfindwecanemotionallyattachifwe’rebeinghonest-ettes MORE LIKE.

The Risk – There’s quite a funny bit where one of the guys says how he just completely doesn’t want to be in the group and thinks he’s better than the others. Come on, you know us too well to know we don’t paraphrase, don’t you? Oh, sorry, we didn’t mention their singing. Well, they sing No Air. There. Now you’re crying and can’t open your paracetamol lids. That’s what you get.

Two Shoes – Apparently Two Shoes are ‘not just a pair of Essex girls here for the crack’. Based on this, we want them to win. They’re actually really good and we would love to give them some crack.

Nu Vibe – Oh look at us, we have penises and we sing songs written by people with vaginas instead. Novel. Voltaire never thought of THAT ONE, did he?

Rhythmix – Isn’t this a type of biscuit that one of The Apprentice teams made up once?

GIRLS

Amelia Lily – Kindathoughtthiswasgoodsowhatever.

Jade Richards – Yeah yeah. Vowel splitting and being in the sub consciousness of Kelly Rowland is probably exactly how David Bowie did things at the start too, but this was rubbish. That’s right Jade, you don’t fool us. You’re probably secretly happy and everything. You probably go home and do happy eyebrows and watch porn and feel really good about yourself.

Sophie Habibis – YES, Sophie Habibis. With your impossible last name and your sex organs. We like you.

HER NAME MIGHT BE SARAH – BUT QUITE FRANKLY WE FORGOT – Boring.

Melanie McCabe – Nice bun, but ultimately boring.

Holly Repton – Jesus, how many of them were there? Well done Holly, you bored us too.

Misha Bryan – AKA OLIVER TWIST – Poor Misha. She’s never even eaten a Marks and Spencers ready meal, let alone been on a plane with two floors before. We bet she’s never even looked at a lobster. Someone give this poor woman a fucking fiver so she can buy a rag to sleep in at night or something.

Janet Devlin – “I love not wearing shoes. It makes me feel more grounded.” You know what makes us feel more grounded? Trench foot.

THE MENTALS

Johnny Robinson – If Johnny Robinson took Viagra, they’d instate a national law to surgically remove every woman’s ovaries.

Natalie Cassidy Sami Brookes – Sorry Alicia Keys, someone just made your song even less interesting, if you can imagine.

Terry Winstanley – Old man got older.

Carolynne Goode – Blah blah blah vocal chords blah blah blah.

Some Guy – Yeah, he sang Bruno Mars. I think we’re done here.

GOLD-AMAZING-IE – Amazing.

Jonjo – Oh god. THIS GUY. Never has a man been more deserving of the name ‘Jonjo.’ Has his wife had her boring baby that won’t amount to anything yet?

Kitty Brucknell – Ha. Mental diseases. They’re so funny. Kitty says some sort of botched line from Notting Hill and then jumps in a pool. When is Louis going to stop mistaking borderline personality disorder for charisma?

THE BOYS

Frankie Cocozza – Skinny jeans? BUT THEY ARE FOR GIRLS, FRANKIE! HAVE YOU GONE MENTAL? Long hair? BUT THEY ARE FOR GIRLS FRANKIE! YOU ARE TRULY AMAZING. God, we hope you get through and screw everybody until they’re bone dry.

John Wilding – When we have a weird face, we like to compensate with even weirder hair too.

Joe Cox – Olly Murs just called. We didn’t answer, because we just didn’t feel like chatting with Olly Murs. Ever.

James Michael – Poor POOR creative and amazing James Michael literally cannot sing without a guitar because he plays guitar. You need to know this. James Michael has the ability to play the guitar.

Max Vickers – “He sings like his mum has just told him to turn his X Box off.” Says Robbie Williams, who once released some albums, so we’ll assume in some sort of mental universe that makes a scrap of sense and just go with that.

Luke Lucas – A boy with the ability to buy green headphones and bad at singing songs. Give us some of that DNA NOW.

And that, our emotionally disturbed friends is that. Tomorrow, find out who got through in our EXCLUSIVE REVEAL THAT YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL BECAUSE SHUT UP YOU DON’T KNOW.

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Take That are bunch of drips, aren’t they? If they’re not gyrating around in front of millions of middle-aged women or complaining about press intrusion in effete Northern accents, they’re having little panic attacks about getting felt up by giant robots. Or something like that.

Their latest woe has come in the form of a little bit of lightning which gave the lads the heebie-jeebies when their tour plane was lightly struck by it ahead of the start of the European leg of their Progress tour. Oh no! Did they survive the ordeal?!

Of course they did.

The band were travelling to their opening show in Milan when their plan hit bad turbulence at 35,000 ft. Planes never hit anything at anything less than 30,000ft. It’s a rule set down by aeronautical disaster films since the beginning of time. Seriously, you could skim a plane along the ground and it would be in less danger of running into something than at the dreaded 35,000 ft.

Of course, there’s no difference in the feeling of turbulence to the plane actually being struck by lightning. It’s not as though the wings were sheered off by the wrath of an angry god. The plane was hit by a pretty routine bit of weather. Planes are hit by lightning all the time because they have some pathological desire to fly in the ‘danger zone’ of 35,000 ft.

Some nincompoop told the Daily Mirror;

“The plane took off fairly normally, though we knew there was bad weather ahead, but mid way during the flight the turbulence was really quite frightening. Then suddenly, there was a bright flash, and the plane had obviously been struck by lightning.”

Obviously. That being said, the Take That lads were obviously and visually shaken up by the affair with Robbie Williams questioning why the strike didn’t leave them all with super powers before Mark Owen pointed out that they had always had the ability to induce the menopause in any woman over the age of thirty.

The incident was no doubt an act of God, the great and benevolent ruler in the sky that some of you believe in. However, why would God do such a thing?

A spokesman for God told hecklerspray;

“Well, that’s what you get when you release a ‘special edition’ of your old album and try to pass it off as a completely new one in order to grind more shekels out of your fanbase.”

Take note, pop stars. God is watching.

When Robbie Williams left Take That, the news was so seismic that a rubbish punk band called The Pin Ups wrote a song about it called ‘Robbie Left Take That’. It wasn’t long before Take That called it a day and This Morning had an all-morning grieve-in for people who didn’t realise that the band’s departure didn’t mean their CDs would self-destruct.

And then, after Gary Barlow and Mark Owen’s solo careers fizzled out, Robbie began to conquer the world… except for America which broke him in two, leaving him bloated and dead-eyed.

This all lead to a very successful Take That reunion and then eventual offering of an olive branch to Robbie Williams, currently of no fixed talent.

After Robbie sang some Take That songs at The Brits, it was obvious they would reunite and this year, being the 20th anniversary of the band as a fivesome, Robbie’s on-board once again and going on the road with his old chums and sparring partners.

However, it nearly wasn’t to be thanks to Robbie Williams having toothache.

Williams told breakfast show DJ Chris Moyles:

“I was very nervous because there were four of them. I came so close to not going because I had toothache that night and I’d just taken a painkiller. I was quite large as well, and I thought I can’t go mumbling, looking like Elvis.

“I’d said some nasty things about Gaz. What do I do if I go in, is he harbouring anything? So the missus pushed me through the door.”

Then, in what appears to be a rare moment of candid truthery, Williams added:

“I spent the last 15 years thinking what I was going to say. We had that big chat and the most amazing thing happened at the end of it, we both said sorry to each other and we both meant it.

“That’s all we needed. It just lifted so much off my shoulders that I didn’t know was still there.”

“It was the start of a very magical 18 months that we’ve had since then, writing songs together, getting to know each other.

“It’s nice being able to be grown-ups and hear each other and say sorry because not many people can do that.”

Gary Barlow responded:

“All these things had been built up for so long, they just sounded stupid as they were coming out. We just needed to sit opposite each other and talk.

“I think we had a lot of guilt, the four of us, because Rob was the youngest, the most impressionable of all of us. We always felt like we didn’t look after him enough. If there was one big thing we sat and regretted it was always that.”

Robbie and Gary confirmed that Take That had recorded an album together (untitled at the minute) which will be released in November. And there’s talk of a tour.

Barlow said:

“We’re talking about a tour right now – hopefully next summer we will tour.

Williams added:

“There’s some stuff on the cards but there’s only so much we can talk about now. There’s big plans in the works, but when, where and what we’re not allowed to say. Plus we don’t really know.”

We, as leeches in the media, can only hope that this whole thing is a disaster filled with bitterness, ill-feeling and fist-fights. For the record, we reckon that Jason Orange is secretly the hardest in Take That as he can combine his dancing skills with martial arts to kick people’s heads clean off their bodies.

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Yesterday we told you that Robbie Williams might have got his wife Ayda Field pregnant. But that’s not all.

We forgot to tell you about his wedding. And Robbie Williams is deeply annoyed about this, so he’s done it instead. You see, Robbie has decided to describe his wedding day in excruciating detail, presumably with the sole intention of making everyone wish that they could have been there.

And his plan would have worked, too, except it turns out that a) Ayda had eight dogs in flowery collars instead of bridesmaids and b) Robbie Williams decided to start singing Angels in the middle of the ceremony. Romantic, isn’t it? No, wait, not romantic. Self-consciously wacky and slightly insufferable. That’s better.

The wedding of Robbie Williams and Ayda Field that took place this weekend sounds like the wedding of the year or, failing that, the pregnancy-induced guilt-based wedding of the year. Or, failing that, the pregnancy-induced guilt-based wedding of the year to contain an ill-advised serenade that must have been quite unbearable for all the guests.

You see, ahead of the commemorative issue of Hello – because you don’t think a millionaire like Robbie Williams would actually pay for his own wedding, do you? – Robbie has been describing his nuptials to anyone who’ll listen. The Mirror reports:

The flamboyant Take That star described the day as “magical”. Robbie, 36, orchestrated an unconventional service with his eight dogs draped in flower collars walking down the aisle at his Beverley Hills mansion instead of traditional bridesmaids. And after exchanging vows, his impromptu Angels performance roused guests and an emotional Ayda, 31, to a sing-along.

Of course it was a singalong. To our knowledge, having seen him perform on TV, Robbie Williams has never knowingly performed Angels in its entirety. The first line, sure, but then he turns the microphone around, briefly pulls his ‘overwhelmed’ face and lets the audience shout the rest of it back at him with tears in their eyes because it reminds them of Princess Diana while he goes off for a sit down and a nice cup of tea.

It was an admirable sentiment and all, but we think that Robbie would have probably fared better if he’d tried another one of his songs at his wedding. Maybe Dickhead, or another one of his songs that’s got a title that we can insult him with.

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If you wondered why Robbie Williams married his girlfriend Ayda Field on Saturday, here’s the answer.

It’s because Ayda’s pregnant. Sorry, possibly pregnant. Apparently Robbie Williams spent much of his wedding day showing people the new nursery in his house, which either means that Ayda Field is pregnant or that he’s expecting Mark Owen to come over for a visit soon.

But still, congratulations! Robbie Williams will make a great father. Sure, there’ll be crying and violent mood swings and desperate bids for attention and the constant nauseating smell of human waste, but we’re sure that the baby will learn to forgive his father for all that eventually.

Over the last few days, Robbie Williams has shown some worrying signs that he’s growing up. By marrying Ayda Field this weekend he’s shown that he’s able to commit to a serious, mature, lifelong relationship that will probably last for about three years at best. And now Robbie is apparently going to be a dad as well.

Ayda Fields’s pregnancy might not have been officially announced yet but, as Glamour reveals, all the signs are there:

The newlyweds have fuelled speculation that Ayda is pregnant by scheduling a mystery party for her friends and family, due to take place at her mother’s house next week… a baby shower perhaps? According to a source, Robbie also showed wedding guests the couple’s recent £1 million renovation on his pad, which had “one room specifically intended as a nursery.”

If Robbie Williams really is going to be a dad, this is incredibly exciting news. Hopefully he’ll get to work on a concept album about his impending fatherhood right away so that, when he inevitably performs on X Factor later this year and messes everything up by singing in all the wrong places and talking through the chorus and being all big-eyed and creepy, at least he’ll be doing it to a toothless ballad about nappies.

But let’s not count our chickens just yet – this could all just be media speculation gone crazy. Maybe Ayda Field has scheduled this party of hers because she’s happy to be married. And maybe Robbie Williams has built a nursery because he’s an infantilised attention-whore who just wants somewhere to go where he can wear a romper suit and roll around crapping himself while an elderly nanny figure feeds him milk from a plastic bag hidden in her bra. Ever thought of that, huh?

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Married heterosexual men in their thirties were last night wondering why the sofa smelt of piss.

The smell appeared shortly after the news the news that Take That are to release a new album written and performed with overrated supper-club entertainer Robert ‘Robbie’ Williams.

“It’ll be just like the old days!” said one 37-year-old disappointed housewife desperate for 45 minutes escape from the crushing inevitability of her life married to an imbecile who wears a high-vis jacket for a living and who really REALLY wished she could be seventeen again just for a second and do everything differently.

“I’m over the moon that Robbie’s back with us, however long it lasts. I just want to enjoy our time with him. Life is beautifully strange sometimes,” said Jason Orange, the one remaining member of the outfit still poor enough to talk to the press. He needs the exposure.

Tragic women are gearing themselves up for an extravaganza of unseemly over-excitement at the ‘beautifully strange’ possibility of a tour that every SIA qualified crowd-control staff member in the country have privately described as ‘a fucking nightmare. Imagine a nationwide middle-aged hen-night. Christ’.

Gay men were unavailable for comment – one spoke to hecklerspray off the record expressing his extreme disappointment that NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM WAS ‘THAT WAY’ – a bitter disappointment after years of homoerotic videos that fortunately we will never see again what with their lower back complaints and the fact that at least two of them look like handsome tramps.

At time of publication, even normal women were tiring of their husbands’ insistence that I Am Kloot are shit now that they occasionally hear their new single played in Asda after telling anyone who’ll listen for the past ten years that they’re the best thing ever and are considering buying the new Take That album just to piss them off.

New Take That album feat. Robert ‘Robbie’ Williams currently has no release date.

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During their time in Take That, Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow enjoyed a particularly unique relationship.

People liked Robbie Williams, in general. And people thought that Gary Barlow was a fat idiot. But now times have changed, and people generally like Gary Barlow and think that Robbie Williams is a fat idiot, so that sounds like the perfect time for a reunion.

According to reports, Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow have teamed up for a duet that’ll appear on Robbie’s new greatest hits album. The rest of Take That were scheduled to appear on the track, but that idea was dropped when it emerged that two of them can’t sing and the other one was probably busy being balls-deep in a woman that he wasn’t married to at the time.

This, readers will probably remain the biggest news in all of music until the day that Brian Harvey and Tony Mortimer from East 17 put aside their differences to record a glorious new follow-up to their hit Do U Still. That’s right – it may have been a while since they became friends again, and an eternity since they began their slightly nauseating “You’re so great” “No YOU’RE so great” moony-eyed mutual masturbation shtick, but Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow have finally recorded a song together. According to The Guardian:

Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow have reunited on record, the first time the pair have collaborated for 15 years. The former bandmates have written and recorded a track called Shame for Williams’s forthcoming greatest hits collection. The track was announced shortly after Williams, 36, and Barlow, 39, joined forces for a charity football match in aid of Unicef.

Now, don’t get too excited about this. Yes, it would be nice to see the two driving forces of the biggest British boyband from the 1990s patch up their tattered relationship and put out a song together, but don’t forget that the song isn’t due to be released until October, and this is Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow we’re talking about here.

In the next four months, who knows what’ll happen? Chances are Robbie Williams will decide that he hates Gary Barlow again, and grow a beard, and scrap his greatest hits album in favour of a conceptual piece involving him whispering the names of everybody who’s ever said anything nasty about him over some ice cream van music. And Gary Barlow might quit music to do whatever he can to get that knighthood he’s so transparently desperate for.

We can hope, anyway.

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We’ll tell you what he loves what he really really loves. Oops, wrong band there, and completely the wrong gender.

Saying that though, some of The Spice Girls looked like they could have been closet transsexuals didn’t they? Elsewhere, we had Take That – a watered down music act for girls to love.

Instead of telling girls to embrace their inner rebel, Take That made all girls drool from their chops. With a well-timed move here and a ripped shirt there, Take That had a massive audience, even if their songs were arse. Out of all the members, Robbie Williams stood out to all the band’s fans. Once he left, he went onto release a variety of albums, spot a variety of UFOs and – for the entirety of 2009 – smoke a variety of marijuana. He says it’s lovely, so therefore we think it is too.

Don’t believe us? Well, here’s a lovely comment made from the porky singer. Only now can we realise that making fun of his weight was cruel – it wasn’t his fault; it was because he had the munchies. Soon we’ll be apologising to ginger people when evidence emerges that their red hair comes from dipping it into lava. Anyway, Robbie said:

“Weed, it’s such a lovely drug. It is such a lovely drug. But it doesn’t mix well with me – at all.”

Doesn’t mix well? As in it’s a dangerous concoction like water and electricity, woman and technology or a Twilight fan with a grain of intelligence? Say it isn’t so, Robbie Williams. We wouldn’t want to lose you as a musician. After all, you’ve given such epic songs as erm… Rudebox, and that one where you sing about the year 2000

We think lots of stuff is lovely. Like the confused look on a puppy’s face when you squirt it with water, or when Page Three models try to give an informed opinion on the day’s news. But smoking marijuana? Come on Robbie, it isn’t the mid nineties again, you know. Back then, all the kids were spending their pocket money on drugs instead of chocolate. Have you just caught up now?

Perhaps you could educate the youth of today by giving up the drugs and telling them about the wonders of pie addiction. After all, there are so many different types. Pork, beef, apple and our favourite 3.14 with double cream. Add in a handful of chips and you’ll soon be a young porker like Robbie Williams. He may need to actually start doing this, as the drug charity types aren’t impressed about his marijuana promotion. David Gilbert, chief executive of drugs education and awareness charity DARE, said:

‘This is grossly irresponsible. He is a role model. Young people look up to him, they admire him, they want to emulate him so saying something like this is thoughtless.”

Can we suggest sending Robbie Williams to a desert island so he’ll never bother us again with his evil drug-taking antics? Actually, scratch that. Let’s send him to a dessert island instead! Haw haw.

Ahem.

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So that’s it. X Factor 2009 is finally over. And in Joe McElderry, we have found a worthy winner. Well, a winner.

Well, a winner by default. In truth, nobody was particularly crazy about Joe McElderry, but at least he’ll now get to realise his dream of always being known for singing a genuinely awful Miley Cyrus ballad, so that’s something. Remember the name Joe McElderry – not because he’s destined to become a megastar, but because it’s bound to eventually be the answer to the pub quiz question ‘What was the name of that funny-looking boy who won X Factor in 2009 and then almost immediately got dropped by his record label?’

Still, we’ve just come out of a gargantuan X Factor weekend, so let’s pick over the bones, shall we?

Now, you might notice that this recap is fairly light on last night’s X Factor. This isn’t because we didn’t watch it, but because somewhere between that George Michael song about Jesus watching TV and Angela Lansbury performing Drive My Car, we lost the will to live. In summary, though, Olly was rubbish, Joe was rubbish, Alexandra Burke and JLS and Leona Lewis were rubbish, there was an advert for half price pork chops and then Joe McElderry won. Happy now? Good.

Stacey Solomon – What was it that made the public vote Stacey out of X Factor first this weekend? It certainly wasn’t her rendition of What A Wonderful World, because that was effortless and charming and – even though Stacey did her best to turn it into a shouting competition with herself in the final third – fairly understated. She even performed most of it on a stool, possibly because Simon Cowell has an aneurysm every time she attempts a dance routine. It was a fail-safe crowd-pleaser, and it largely worked.

And it couldn’t have been Stacey’s performance of Who Wants To Live Forever, because that was just as thoroughly tedious as it was during X Factor‘s Queen night, and she seemed to do alright then. So what does that leave?

Oh yes, Stacey’s duet of Feeling Good with Michael Buble. On the surface, it looked like Stacey had aced this, too – she managed to comprehensively out-perform Buble, who was dressed like a car thief on the way to court – but it had its lesser moments. Although she looked amazing, and the singing parts were top notch, the mood of the song was shattered somewhat when she broke off in the middle to shout “Laydeez ung jenklemon, lemmee untradooosh MYCAW BOOBLAY!” We were genuinely sorry to see you leave X Factor, Stacey Solomon – especially since you appeared to be transforming into an Afghan hound so quickly that the video to your first single would have almost certainly featured you catching frisbees in your mouth and drinking out of the toilet.

Olly Murs – Olly Murs knows what works for him. The grinning. The dancing. The face so huge that it constantly seems on the brink of shearing away from the rest of his head and crashing to the floor like an impressive jazz-funk rock slide. And we got a cavalcade of that from him on Saturday’s X Factor. That was typified by his last performance of the night – a re-run of Fool In Love that was exactly the same as it was last time he performed it. Not only did we get to see him dance like he had 30 electric eels inserted into his anal cavity, but he also put his shiny tight penis trousers on again. But by that point it was too little too late, so to speak.

True, Olly did manage to out-perform Robbie Williams during his Angels duet, but that’s only because a) Robbie fluffed his lines abominably at the start of the song, and b) the whole thing seemed like it was from the early stages of Britain’s Next Top Unbearable Pissed-Up Stag Night Karaoke Star rather than the final of X Factor. Still, at least we can classify the performance as a success, solely on the basis that Olly and Robbie didn’t tongue-kiss at the end. It was a close-run thing, but somehow they avoided it.

And that leaves us to deal with Olly’s opening song – a run-through of his first ever audition song, Stevie Wonder‘s timeless hit Superstition. Or, as Olly still seems to think its called, Surpistishah. That just about says it all, really.

Joe McElderry – For someone who went into the X Factor final as red-hot favourite, Toothy Joe made some peculiar choices on Saturday. His last song, chosen by Cheryl Cole as his best song of the series, was a version of Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word that sounded like what carbon monoxide poisoning probably feels like. It started off dreary and then, just as it looked like it was starting to get going, it ended.

And Joe’s opening number – a version of Dance With My Father Again – was utterly wayward. We couldn’t decide if he’d chosen to sing it in the style of Westlife, or in the style of the fictional musical Grieve! starring Su Pollard and H From Steps. Either way, it didn’t seem like an especially good advert for what we could expect from Joe’s post X Factor solo career.

However, we will admit that Joe redeemed himself slightly with his duet of Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me with George Michael. Admittedly that’s only because George Michael waddled on looking like either late-period Steve Wright or the world’s fattest Bond villain, honked out a semi-interested verse and steadfastly refused to look at Joe except for the moments when he seemed so exhausted by the effort of singing that he had to physically prop himself up on Joe’s shoulder for support. But it still counts as a victory, right? Right? Well done Leon Jac… we mean Joe McElderry. Well done.

Same time next year?

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This week’s uppers and downers.

Folded:

• Clothes on Film (cool site about clothes in movies. Goodness the editor is handsome)
• Edge of Darkness (Gibbo’s back like it’s 1995)
• David Lean in Close-Up with Jonathan Ross (BBC4, the only reason we pay a licence fee)
• Champagne price drop: pour it on your cereal (by Christmas a bottle of Moët will cost £15, or thereabouts. Possibly)
• Damien Hirst’s return to painting (critics say rubbish, so who cares what we think? It will irritate the hell out of people and that’s good enough for us)

Creased:

• PlayTV (you lose Freeview channels and the crappy PS3 remote can’t adjust volume on your telly. Nice menus though)
• Leona Lewis getting a slap (okay she’s annoying, but if that’s all the justification we need why didn’t someone just bat Lindsay Lohan or Peaches Geldof instead?)
• White Lies by Mr Hudson (this is why the Rusko remix works so well, because the original is downright dull)
• Robbie Williams on X Factor (pop stars singing live always sound cack, but blimey Robbie, it’s not like they put you on the spot)
• Star Wars The Clone Wars: Republic Heroes (far worse than you’ve read. Even worse than the film in fact)

Ever since Plain Jane the Superbrain took off her glasses, smeared some slutty red lipstick around her mouth, and rubbed ice cubes on her stupid nipples, the celebrity makeover has been a must for anyone hoping to increase their fame.

For those unaware, the whole Plain Jane thing happened in the Australian drama serial, Neighbours. She went from geek to whore in a matter of moments.

It was astonishing. Completely astonishing. And it got us to thinking about what the greatest celebrity makeovers of all time might be. We narrowed it down to this small bunch.

1. Joaquin Phoenix

In a career spanning almost twenty years, we have become used to Joaquin’s various physical changes – the majority of which have been a result of the natural aging process, and the awkwardness of puberty. Most recently, however, he’s embarked on a road to total gorgeousness by letting his face-pubes run amock. This has resulted in a gentlemanly beard, leaving Phoenix at the forefront of hobo chic. Rumours suggest that he has even been bathing in milk to achieve a sexy Cleopatra level of putrid, sour stink. Hollywood is watching in shocked, silent awe.

2. Amy Winehouse

When she first arrived in the line of public vision, Amy Winehouse was just your everyday jazz singing stage schooler. Her body was almost completely blemish free, and she was around the average weight for a young woman. Exactly, how boring. Thankfully, she, like Phoenix, embarked on a makeover of her own, by covering her body in strange tattoos – usually only seen on the arms of drunk sea dogs, or alarmingly violent men in one of the country’s many jails. And filling her veins and lungs with popular street drugs like heroin and crack. After that the weight completely fell off. She even started her own line in blood-filled ballerina shoes, presumably aimed at kids. Bloody work horse.

3. Claire from Steps

Like Winehouse, when Claire from Steps was actually in Steps, she looked like every other girl walking down every single street on the entire planet – blonde, sparkly, very beautiful. Hence she went about her makeover by plopping herself down on an exercise couch and stuffing great big handfuls of McDonalds into her greedy mouth, using both of her arms – which, by the way, were becoming considerably weaker with every passing day. After months of hard work, the makeover was complete, and she was a big fat blob. A massive wobbly-bottomed jelly-woman. Great look, Claire. But did H follow suit? H did not. Jesus, H. Christ.

4. Robbie Williams

Probably the most fascinating of the makeovers, Williams focussed the majority of his attention on having a personality makeover. This involved lots of personal work, lots of staring angrily into a mirror. Lots of shouting to the heavens to send him more money, more success, more women. It involved talking endlessly to anyone who would listen about his every waking emotion, each individual thought delivered as though it were caked in finest platinum.  He even spoke a little bit about aliens, before going back to discussing himself again. Makeover complete, he is now a total cretin.

For more from Josh go and have a look at Interestment.co.uk

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It must be excellent being part of a successful young pop group.

You get to travel the world, stopping occasionally to jump around on stage, then, in the evening, you can wile away the hours brainlessly passing groupies around, necking gin. You don’t have to think for yourself, which makes certain popstar decisions near impossible to understand.

Below are four maniacs who decided to brave the world on their own, only to realise that they’d probably just made a massive mistake…

1. Robbie Williams
Granted, Williams could – should he wish to – sprint around town hurling money into the air like it was confetti at a local wedding. But where is his joy? His genuine popstar joy? That’s right, he hasn’t got any. While his old Take That buddies swan around enjoying a second phase of fame, with nice haircuts, children and long term lovers, ‘Rob’ spends much of his time presumably staring silently into a mirror waiting for his beard to grow. Shivering. Needs friends.

2. Mutya Buena
It was 2005 when Mutya decided that she was far too cool for the Sugababes. What a mistake that was. Since then, she has covered herself in strange tattoos, most of which look like entire extracts from Harry Potter books, replaced her front tooth with an unopened Oxo cube, and baffled the nation by WALKING OUT of the Big Brother house, without anyone realising that she’d ever walked in. As for her reinventing herself as a street version of Amy Winehouse… yeah, didn’t really happen, that.

3. Dane Bowers
Face it, Another Level were actually good – even Jay-Z thought so. They were also one of the few UK boybands who didn’t appear to be fashioned from the mind of an overweight and embittered gay man, desperately hunting for kicks. They enjoyed a big hit with Freak Me – American for Have Sex With Me – before Dane Bowers, the podgy lead singer, thought it best if he trod his own weighty path to stardom in 2000. Uh-oh. After a string of singing disasters, he ended up humiliating himself on Totally Boy Band – a very bad MTV show, where five has-beens once again smelt the stench of career failure in their ravaged noses. And, unfortunately, Dane is now widely considered to be a poor girl’s Dean Gaffney.

4. Kerry Katona and Bryan McFadden
These two share a joint place, thanks to their brief stint as a twisted version of Posh and Becks that didn’t last long. In the case of Katona, since going it alone away from her charming sing-a-long sisters in Atomic Kitten, she has been on a steady decline into total mania, topped off with a genuinely tragic appearance opposite Schofield and his goons during the latter stages of last year. The girl. Was. Wasted. McFadden, meanwhile, bade a cocksure farewell to his Westlife cohorts in 2004 – fully expecting to emulate Robbie Williams’ chart success – only to smash the hit parade with all the impact of a flea hurtling into a flannel. He has since decided that he might marry that skinny girl who used to be in Neighbours.

This has been a guest blog by the marvellous Josh Burt from the exceptional Interestment. Go and be his friend.

That’s about it. There’s nothing that we can add to this story apart from involuntary shuddering.

Team hecklerspray likes to bond over a game of croquet and snifter of port, but not Take That. Take That like group wanking sessions. Or at least they did. Honestly.

Because Take That’s fans were all twelve when they split up, it probably wasn’t best letting that sort of sordid information cripple their ears. But we’re all grown up now so, yes, Take That did all used to masturbate furiously together. Happy now?

When people meet for the first time, it can be slightly awkward. After asking someone what their name is, what they do for a living, who their favourite death metal band is and what they had for tea the previous evening, conversation can get slightly stale. So what happens next?

In what sounds like the making of a second-rate low-budget porn film, it appears that the manly men of Take That used this lull in the conversation to whip out their cocks and tug away at themselves.

Talking to Q magazine, Howard Donald revealed that he and former bandmate Robbie Williams had a wank session together when the band started out, saying:

“It were me and Rob… it only happened once.”

We aren’t sure if it was in a hotel room, a bedroom or a room where naughty boys are sent. Still, it is slightly peculiar to indulge in that sort of behaviour with your fellow man.

Maybe they were in a hotel together without a swimming pool and they desperately wanted to see who could survive underwater the longest without drowning. Perhaps we are wrong to judge and should applaud them for inventing such a creative game of wank endurance.

But it gets worse. If it wasn’t enough spreading each other’s seed around, some of the more nervous members sat and watched. Mark Owen added:

“That was an odd one, that. I think I was more of an observer.”

No Mark, you’re all odd. Though with a new single coming out in March it is one of the strangest promotional techniques we’ve read in a while. You’re all utter freaks.

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From Dietpixie – Robbie Williams – remember him? Yep, that bloke who once used to be in Take That, who left and became really successful, but then faded away again and now we never hear from him?

Well, the very same Robbie has been papped at his LA home, lounging by the pool with his lady – and by the looks of it he hasn’t half piled on the pounds.

He’s never been stick thin, and fair play to him for that. But he’s always been known as the ‘chubby one’, especially since Noel Gallagher labelled him ‘a fat dancer’ all those years ago.

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