Take That’s Prodigal Son and Stoke’s most irritating son Robbie Williams has been waking up in the night covered in a liquid that isn’t his own urine according to The Daily Star. In an interview with Britain’s least believable paper, Williams prophesied that he might be a target for terrorists because he’s so completely important.
The egotist, who recently returned to the warming, Northern embrace of his former Take That, has been having trouble sleeping recently and instead of taking a Night Nurse and keeping his massive flapping trap shut, he decided to give an “exclusive” to a woeful Red Top.
Luckily, he’s been having dreams that even Joseph & His Technicolour Fraud Coat wouldn’t have any trouble analysing.
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Good weekend, was it? Had some enjoyable sandwich fillings and simulated some erogenous zones, did you? Yeah. Yeah. Us neither.
Never mind, because The X Factor was on too, and if that wasn’t amazing enough it was a 2 hour special Judges Houses special as part of a special exclusive double X Factor weekend special. Which is pretty, amazingly special when you think about it.
But, that’s the X Factor for you. Always fulfilling our dreams, always making Pinnochio look lacklustre. So what was in store? As if you didn’t know. As if you didn’t Sky Plus it at your X Factor party with custom made flags. Actually, that sounds like a pretty wild night, you probably do need reminding. All those Pringle cans to clean up and all that psychological torment. We’ll sort you out. Come here. It’ll stop bleeding eventually, we promise.
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Take That are bunch of drips, aren’t they? If they’re not gyrating around in front of millions of middle-aged women or complaining about press intrusion in effete Northern accents, they’re having little panic attacks about getting felt up by giant robots. Or something like that.
Their latest woe has come in the form of a little bit of lightning which gave the lads the heebie-jeebies when their tour plane was lightly struck by it ahead of the start of the European leg of their Progress tour. Oh no! Did they survive the ordeal?!
Of course they did.
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When Robbie Williams left Take That, the news was so seismic that a rubbish punk band called The Pin Ups wrote a song about it called ‘Robbie Left Take That’. It wasn’t long before Take That called it a day and This Morning had an all-morning grieve-in for people who didn’t realise that the band’s departure didn’t mean their CDs would self-destruct.
And then, after Gary Barlow and Mark Owen’s solo careers fizzled out, Robbie began to conquer the world… except for America which broke him in two, leaving him bloated and dead-eyed.
This all lead to a very successful Take That reunion and then eventual offering of an olive branch to Robbie Williams, currently of no fixed talent. Read More >>>
Yesterday we told you that Robbie Williams might have got his wife Ayda Field pregnant. But that’s not all.
We forgot to tell you about his wedding. And Robbie Williams is deeply annoyed about this, so he’s done it instead. You see, Robbie has decided to describe his wedding day in excruciating detail, presumably with the sole intention of making everyone wish that they could have been there.
And his plan would have worked, too, except it turns out that a) Ayda had eight dogs in flowery collars instead of bridesmaids and b) Robbie Williams decided to start singing Angels in the middle of the ceremony. Romantic, isn’t it? No, wait, not romantic. Self-consciously wacky and slightly insufferable. That’s better.
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If you wondered why Robbie Williams married his girlfriend Ayda Field on Saturday, here’s the answer.
It’s because Ayda’s pregnant. Sorry, possibly pregnant. Apparently Robbie Williams spent much of his wedding day showing people the new nursery in his house, which either means that Ayda Field is pregnant or that he’s expecting Mark Owen to come over for a visit soon.
But still, congratulations! Robbie Williams will make a great father. Sure, there’ll be crying and violent mood swings and desperate bids for attention and the constant nauseating smell of human waste, but we’re sure that the baby will learn to forgive his father for all that eventually.
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Married heterosexual men in their thirties were last night wondering why the sofa smelt of piss.
The smell appeared shortly after the news the news that Take That are to release a new album written and performed with overrated supper-club entertainer Robert ‘Robbie’ Williams.
“It’ll be just like the old days!” said one 37-year-old disappointed housewife desperate for 45 minutes escape from the crushing inevitability of her life married to an imbecile who wears a high-vis jacket for a living and who really REALLY wished she could be seventeen again just for a second and do everything differently.
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During their time in Take That, Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow enjoyed a particularly unique relationship.
People liked Robbie Williams, in general. And people thought that Gary Barlow was a fat idiot. But now times have changed, and people generally like Gary Barlow and think that Robbie Williams is a fat idiot, so that sounds like the perfect time for a reunion.
According to reports, Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow have teamed up for a duet that’ll appear on Robbie’s new greatest hits album. The rest of Take That were scheduled to appear on the track, but that idea was dropped when it emerged that two of them can’t sing and the other one was probably busy being balls-deep in a woman that he wasn’t married to at the time.
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