Hey! Citizens of Planet Crud! You know what Kelly Clarkson thinks you should do? Go mug her. That’s right. Find her, and forcibly steal things from her. Why? Well, that’s because being mugged doesn’t compare to the worst kind of violation.

Leaking her songs.

That’s right. The sharing of waveforms, collected together in a shapeless, intangible file, leaked through a painless portal is way worse than lamping her on her famous head while making off with her phone and handbag.

Clarkson has opened up about the harrowing incident where something she’s made was shared with loads of people:

“Oh my God, have you ever been robbed? I have. I’ve been physically robbed a couple of times, but this is much worse”

What’s worse is that these songs may show her in a slightly different light than previously, almost like she’d progressed as an artist but in a way that people would be able to make their own minds up without being patronised by an expensive PR campaign.

“Those songs came out and people are like, ‘Oh my God, what direction is Kelly going?’”

“I think what made me mad was that – one, people stole from me, and two, everybody had no idea what my next album was going to sound like. That really caused a lot of confusion.”

Her album is such a gigantic departure that even Clarkson can’t compute it in her vast mind.

“I don’t even have it, by the way, because I’m so freaked out to put it on my computer”

Jesus H. Christ. Anyone think she might be over-reacting slightly, wailing from her million dollar mansion about the indignity of something that will ultimately make no difference to her life?

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Jesus Christ. If Coheed & Cambria weren’t lame enough, the bass player from the band (pictured right)  has only gone and done the most rubbish heist in human history. Not content with peddling wearisome lamerock, he’s gone and stolen some antacids from a chemist. With a phone.

Seriously. The pinhead, called Michael Todd, couldn’t even be bothered to write out a stickup note, preferring to tap it out on his mobile and show them that.

It probably said: ‘THS IS A STICKUP PT UR HNDS UP N GV ME ALL UR TABLTS OR ELSE PMSL kthnxbai‘

So what was this complete berk doing then? Well, he made off with a Massachusetts pharmacy’s prescription pain pills a matter of hours before his scheduled rock concert.

Presumably the tablets were to deal with the unbearable pain of a) Having to listen to his own music and b) Dealing with his gratingly sycophantic fanbase.

And even though it barely registers on the crime scale, Todd was arrested by bored policemen who had absolutely no idea he was in a vaguely famous group in the first place.

In fact, most of you haven’t got a clue who Coheed & Cambria are and too busy looking at the lovely picture of AC Slater above. For the record ‘AC’ stands for ‘Albert Clifford’. Of course, Slater was played by the dashing Mario Lopez who describes himself as a ‘committed Catholic’ and a conservative when it comes to voting.

You obviously know him from Saved By The Bell, but he’s appeared in a whole bunch of stuff. Did you know he was in an episode of  The Golden Girls as a Cuban boy named Mario who faced deportation? That must’ve been a gas!

Most recently, he appeared in Dancing with the Stars, finishing in second place, which is just great. Better yet, is that Lopez hosted the creepy sounding Miss Teen USA. AC Slater would’ve definitely approved.

What? Coheed & Cambria? No-one cares about those pricks do they?

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How we all snorted and laughed when N-Dubz first arrived on the pop scene. Early videos of the group looked and sounded like a hilarious satire on hip-hop. The clothes, the music defied belief. We howled with laughter like the blithering know-nothing clowns we really are.

Of course N-Dubz went on to make a hatful of huge pop-smashes and showed something beneath that grisly veneer that suggests that they actually know what they’re doing and not in fact another stupid scally outfit designed to fill the brief Rockports of East 17 and Dane Bowels.

Naturally, when you get famous, people want a piece of you and, in the case of Tulisa from N-Dubz, they go as far as actually stealing stuff from your house.

Thanks to the TV show that the group have been involved in called Being… N-Dubz, criminals have been able to check out Tulisa’s house just enough to know where it was and presumably, what booty lay in store for them. Of course, booty in this case is akin to pirate treasure as opposed to Tulisa’s back-end.

Tulisa is now furious with her manager who approved the footage that was aired and is invariably giving him immense earache. You can decide whether that’s a reference to her occasional strops seen on TV or whether I mean her singing voice.

Manager Jonathan Shalit is now being asked to pay for CCTV to be installed at her house out of his own pocket. Don’t worry Mr Manager Man, you can dip into the band’s kitty when they’re on tour or, if worst comes to worst, you can sell incriminating CCTV footage to the papers if it all goes belly up.

But first, he’ll have to get past the guard that Tulisa is now demanding at her £550,000 house in Watford, Herts. They have houses that expensive in Watford? Really? I’ve been. It’s rubbish.

A pal said:

“As far as Tulisa’s concerned it is her manager’s fault that thieves broke in and tried to nick a plasma TV. She has been ranting about how she wants to sack him.”

Failing that, Dappy can send a few abusive text messages to him threatening to kill his face off or something.

It takes a brave man to yell at OJ Simpson with his reputation – well, a brave man or a rubbery-faced woman on a wooden bench, one or the other.

OJ Simpson was in jail between Friday and yesterday because he broke court orders and left a voicemail for Clarence Stewart, one of his alleged accomplices in the armed robbery he's accused of staging.

And yesterday, before freeing him, Judge Jackie Glass decided to explain why this was wrong to OJ Simpson, by basically bellowing the words "Arrogant!" and "Ignorant!" at him until everyone in the courtroom ended up deaf and crying.

Things aren't looking great for OJ Simpson. To be fair, things haven't looked that great for OJ Simpson since the day his wife was murdered – but now they're looking especially bleak. But that's what happens when – as OJ Simpson is being accused of – your idea of a polite negotiation with some sports memorabilia dealers involves a gang of thugs, some guns and the phrase "You think you can steal my shit?" hollered over and over again like a disgusting poop-centric mantra.

If OJ Simpson is found guilty of the million or so charges he faces when his trial comes up in April, then he'll most likely spend the rest of his life in jail. And, as a kind of induction to that, OJ Simpson has been spending the last few days in jail, just to size things up and test out some paint samples on the wall, maybe order a few copies of If I Did It, Here's How It Happened for the library while he was there, that sort of thing.

Actually, the reason for OJ Simpson's almost week-long stay in jail was because he was caught leaving a voicemail for Clarence 'CJ' Stewart, an alleged accomplice of his, when the court had ordered him not to. In the voicemail, OJ Simpson told Stewart:

"I just want CJ to know that… don't be trying to change this motherfucking shit now. Fucking asshole, I'm tired of this shit. Fed up with motherfuckers changing what they told me."

Forget contacting an accomplice, OJ Simpson should have been jailed for his fickle attitude towards shit. First he was angry because someone was trying to steal his shit, then he decides that he loves his shit so much that he don't want nobody to motherfucking change it, and then all of a sudden he's tired of his shit? No wonder OJ Simpson is in so much trouble – doesn't he know that nobody likes a shit flip-flopper? Find your line about shit and stick to it, that's the golden rule when it comes to shit. Even a child knows that.

Anyway, yesterday OJ Simpson appeared in court to find out about his immediate future. Would he be set free or would the judge keep him locked up until his trial starts in April? Turns out that OJ Simpson caught Judge Jackie Glass in a good mood, because she let him out of jail with nothing more than doubled bail and a public bollocking. Here's what the judge said to OJ:

"I don't know, Mr. Simpson, what the heck you were thinking – or maybe that's the problem – you weren't. I don't know if it's just arrogance. I don't know if it's ignorance. But you've been locked up at the Clark County Detention Center since Friday because of arrogance or ignorance – or both… Don't get on a boat. Don't go on a trip. You stay on dry land."

This fresh double onslaught of a stretch in jail and a public telling-off from a judge must mean that OJ Simpson's spirits are just about as low as they can get at the moment – but it's not all bad. Perhaps these last few days that OJ Simpson has spent in jail will count towards his full sentence if he's found guilty of his charges. 

That's great news – it means that OJ Simpson can spend the last six days of his life out in the open air instead of dying a broken man in prison. How ace is that?

Read more:

Judge gives O.J. Simpson a tongue-lashing; he goes free on bail – NY Daily News